Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want sex more than once per week?

92 replies

Doodles29 · 18/08/2023 07:05

Help!

I am 27 and he is 29. We have been together for 18 months and lived together for 6.

I feel that our intimacy and sex life has declined to the point where I am feeling resentful towards him.

We have got into this pattern where we tend to have sex once per week, often on a Saturday. He doesn’t seem interested any other time during the week and will often fall asleep at 9pm each night.

We both work full time, however, I am a teacher on summer holiday at the moment, so am alone more during the day hence it seems to be cutting deeper.

I have expressed to him that I would like to have sex more, but this never seems to happen.

This morning he woke up earlier than usual and was on his phone next to me in bed before work. He told me he couldn’t sleep. I then told him I couldn’t either; I tried to hug him and was stroking his arm but he was just laying on his back with both arms by his sides. Once upon a time, he would have tried it on with me, but now there’s nothing.

He is setting an alarm at the moment much earlier than he needs to get up. He gave me a kiss, then left the bed. Out of frustration I made a comment as he was leaving that I was actually feeling it this morning. He says “well I didn’t know.”

He says this all the time. We have had issues where I try and initiate and he avoids, which has led to me not feeling confident to initiate.

I said that things were fine before he went to work this morning, but I felt resentful so was probably acting cold. As soon as he left, I burst into tears. I just feel that he doesn’t want to rip my clothes off anymore.

He is out tonight and then working on Saturday. We are going out for dinner on Saturday night but I just don’t feel excited for it. Things feel stuck in their routine and I’m not feeling fulfilled.

The more I seem to try, the more I feel pushed away and then resentful. I try to rationalise things that he is probably tired etc, but I feel sad that he can’t meet my needs.

It is affecting our relationship as I then don’t want to cuddle him and show affection outside of the bedroom as I feel rejected from him in other areas.

I don’t know whether to just start rejecting him when he wants sex, as it is all led by him and it is getting frustrating. But then again I don’t want to play games.

I spend the days feeling sad and guilty about the way I treat him when I feel resentful (I am quieter than usual with him and a bit cold). I know this isn’t right but I can’t seem to stop doing it as I feel so much pent-up frustration.

Any advice? Thank you.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 18/08/2023 07:08

End it now. You’re too young for this. And please don’t get pregnant !

MrsK89 · 18/08/2023 07:09

Think you should sit down and have a proper chat rather than a comment.
Hopefully you can work things out but you might find more clarity if you can open up to eachother

towriteyoumustlive · 18/08/2023 07:23

You need to be having this conversation with him, not with random people on MN.

Speak to him and tell him how you feel. He is probably clueless!

If he doesn't agree then perhaps it's time to go your separate ways.

DustyLee123 · 18/08/2023 07:24

She’s told him she wants more sex, it says it in the OP.

TeaKitten · 18/08/2023 07:27

I spend the days feeling sad and guilty about the way I treat him when I feel resentful (I am quieter than usual with him and a bit cold). I know this isn’t right but I can’t seem to stop doing it as I feel so much pent-up frustration.

You are right, it isn’t right to sulk at someone for not wanting more sex, it’s not fair on him or you. It sounds like you aren’t compatible and the relationship is coming to an end. Do you want to be frustrated and sulky forever? Time to leave and find someone who wants you like you want them.

ZigZag21 · 18/08/2023 07:31

What does he do for work ? What time is he up in the morning?

babbscrabbs · 18/08/2023 07:34

DustyLee123 · 18/08/2023 07:24

She’s told him she wants more sex, it says it in the OP.

Yes but has she tried to understand why he doesn't?

Often problems with sex are communication issues.

Having said that if it can't easily be resolved, cut your losses. While things can "settle" you should still be having a great sex life at this stage that you're both happy with.

Mydogisamentalist · 18/08/2023 07:35

I have no advice but I’m in the same boat. It’s soul destroying isn’t it? I just want there to be some passion there and there’s not and I’m so upset about it. I am only 30 and the last time I had sex was last August.

Aprilx · 18/08/2023 07:39

He has a different sex drive to you, I honestly don’t see what talking to him about it is going to do, you can’t pressure somebody into more sex. Sounds like you are incompatible in this respect and yes at your age, maybe a dealbreaker.

BygoneDays · 18/08/2023 07:41

Leave the disgusting creature.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 18/08/2023 07:42

It's not going to get better. In fact it will almost certainly get worse. You're too young to settle for someone with an incompatible sex drive.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 18/08/2023 07:45

Mydogisamentalist · 18/08/2023 07:35

I have no advice but I’m in the same boat. It’s soul destroying isn’t it? I just want there to be some passion there and there’s not and I’m so upset about it. I am only 30 and the last time I had sex was last August.

I think once a week is a bit different to once a year though.

LolaSmiles · 18/08/2023 07:46

Usually with sex issues there's an underlying issue that can be explored with improved communication on both sides.

But you've only been together 18 months so my gut is that you're not sexually compatible, and that's exacerbated by the fact that he's working and you're on the summer holidays.

He doesn't have to have sex that he doesn't want. You're also not obliged to remain on a relationship where you're already unfulfilled in this area. Relationships are meant to be fun at this stage.

C0NNIE · 18/08/2023 07:50

DustyLee123 · 18/08/2023 07:08

End it now. You’re too young for this. And please don’t get pregnant !

First reply nails it.

Mydogisamentalist · 18/08/2023 07:50

YaWeeFurryBastard · 18/08/2023 07:45

I think once a week is a bit different to once a year though.

Show quote history

That is very true…

I’m guessing the rejected feelings are probably not that dissimilar though! I can also see why once a week would be upsetting when you live together, the opportunity presents itself and isn’t taken.

Didimum · 18/08/2023 07:50

mid 20s and only 18 months in? I would leave this relationship. Even if it improves for a while, if this is his sex drive in his 20s then you’re setting yourself up for a disappointing sex life all your life.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 18/08/2023 07:52

You sound incompatible.

DeedlessIndeed · 18/08/2023 07:54

Is he stressed? Having a tough time at work?

I think you need to either accept and be understanding that his sex drive might fluctuate, or leave and find someone who is better matched.

Don't pressure someone or get snarky because they don't want to have sex with you. That is the biggest turn off going and will only make your situation worse.

Can you work at your relationship? Do nice things for him, not with sex as an objective but to make him feel valued? Try to get back the intimacy with sex relatively off the table?

You're in your 20s in a short term relationship, so if it's too much work at this stage leaving might be a better option.

rowanoak · 18/08/2023 07:55

When I was your age I had a fiance with a lower sex drive than me (he was 8 years older though), who was rarely as interested in sex with me as I was with him and I just couldn't keep going like that. I called off the wedding and I'm so glad!!!!!!! At age 30 I met my now-husband and we had sex drives that matched each others' and now, 12 years and 4 kids later, he still always wants to have sex with me and vice versa; it's great. I'm so glad I didn't marry someone I wasn't sexually compatible with. (We went to couples' counseling and I talked to him about my feelings a lot but it never changed. I think this is an issue of fundamental incompatibility honestly.) Good luck!

Kitkatfiend31 · 18/08/2023 07:58

You say you don't want to cuddle him etc at the moment but still want more sex. Personally I don't like my partner only showing physical affection when they want sex and it puts me off.

Whattodo112222 · 18/08/2023 07:58

Whatever you do. Please don't have children together...

Original poster
Doodles29 · 18/08/2023 08:01

Thank you for your responses. It’s so hard as I don’t want to leave him. I love him. I am madly, deeply in love with him so much that I still feel that passion and that’s why it’s all so frustrating. :(

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 18/08/2023 08:04

This was your 20s relationship. Hopefully you have lots of good memories and are now ready for your 30s relationship. I wouldn't choose this man to be the person you have that relationship with.

rosemarypetticoat · 18/08/2023 08:06

You need to have a proper talk about this. Don't let it drag on and on, you are so young and you don't want to look back having wasted these precious years feeling frustrated and resentful.

It might feel awkward or difficult, so have the talk away from the bedroom so there's no pressure for it to turn into sex. It should be a separate talk, because actually you're not talking about sex, you're talking about your relationship and whether you have a future together. You need to find out why this is happening - it might be a medical issue, or he might be very stressed or depressed about something else. If it's you have incompatible sex drives, then you need to work out if you can live with that. But if sex is important to you, you need to talk about this now and possibly make a hard decision, for both of your sakes.

And eching previous posters, don't have kids until this is sorted !!

millymollymoomoo · 18/08/2023 08:09

The quickest way to end someone’s sex drive is to have a partner who sulks , withdraws and becomes moody if they don’t get sex and only want a cuddle if they know it will lead somewhere

if a man came on here describing this he’d be defined as a sex pest

however, you should be able to have a chat with him and talk about how you feel and that you’d like to feel wanted a bit more