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Original poster

To want sex more than once per week?

92 replies

Doodles29 · 18/08/2023 07:05

Help!

I am 27 and he is 29. We have been together for 18 months and lived together for 6.

I feel that our intimacy and sex life has declined to the point where I am feeling resentful towards him.

We have got into this pattern where we tend to have sex once per week, often on a Saturday. He doesn’t seem interested any other time during the week and will often fall asleep at 9pm each night.

We both work full time, however, I am a teacher on summer holiday at the moment, so am alone more during the day hence it seems to be cutting deeper.

I have expressed to him that I would like to have sex more, but this never seems to happen.

This morning he woke up earlier than usual and was on his phone next to me in bed before work. He told me he couldn’t sleep. I then told him I couldn’t either; I tried to hug him and was stroking his arm but he was just laying on his back with both arms by his sides. Once upon a time, he would have tried it on with me, but now there’s nothing.

He is setting an alarm at the moment much earlier than he needs to get up. He gave me a kiss, then left the bed. Out of frustration I made a comment as he was leaving that I was actually feeling it this morning. He says “well I didn’t know.”

He says this all the time. We have had issues where I try and initiate and he avoids, which has led to me not feeling confident to initiate.

I said that things were fine before he went to work this morning, but I felt resentful so was probably acting cold. As soon as he left, I burst into tears. I just feel that he doesn’t want to rip my clothes off anymore.

He is out tonight and then working on Saturday. We are going out for dinner on Saturday night but I just don’t feel excited for it. Things feel stuck in their routine and I’m not feeling fulfilled.

The more I seem to try, the more I feel pushed away and then resentful. I try to rationalise things that he is probably tired etc, but I feel sad that he can’t meet my needs.

It is affecting our relationship as I then don’t want to cuddle him and show affection outside of the bedroom as I feel rejected from him in other areas.

I don’t know whether to just start rejecting him when he wants sex, as it is all led by him and it is getting frustrating. But then again I don’t want to play games.

I spend the days feeling sad and guilty about the way I treat him when I feel resentful (I am quieter than usual with him and a bit cold). I know this isn’t right but I can’t seem to stop doing it as I feel so much pent-up frustration.

Any advice? Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doodles29 · 18/08/2023 23:15

The conversation tonight went better than I expected. It was calm and didn’t result in an argument which is what I was worried about.

Basically when I was frustrated a few months ago, I told him that sex seemed always on his terms. He internalised that as in he can’t win, as if he does initiate it is on his terms and if he doesn’t I get annoyed. He claims he can’t win, which I see his point.

We have both agreed that sometimes once a week is not enough and we are both on the same page with wanting more sex. He says that he doesn’t feel desired as I rarely initiate with him and when I do, they are ambiguous signals I am giving off.

I acknowledged that perhaps they are, as I feel nervous about initiating (in my previous relationships I never really had to). This relationship is different, he is very big on us being equal.

We both agreed to be more up front, but we both also reaffirmed that it is obviously ok to say no and not feel like it.

He promised to make an effort and assured me that he loves me and is still attracted to me. I promised him the same.

I’m hoping that this conversation has helped us. It does really feel like a big weight has been lifted tonight. Thank you so much for all your advice.

OP posts:
Lockeddownagain · 19/08/2023 00:35

Just get out these things get much worse I'm in a marriage that had this at the start and it should have ended then it wont change

RugglesB · 19/08/2023 00:38

You could try therapy or save the money and go on a fab vacation and get laid. Honestly if at 29 his sex drive is that low it will be gone by 40. You can't create a sex drive. I'd go unless you can come to terms with a sexless marriage.

GoingGoingUp · 19/08/2023 00:48

Sounds like you had a really good conversation. Hopefully it was sincere on his side and things will now improve. Good luck!

WallaceinAnderland · 19/08/2023 01:27

I don't think anything will change. When you are young and so early in the relationship you usually can't keep your hands off each other.

He's said the right words but I would be surprised if he really meant it. The thing is, sex drives are different for each person and when yours don't match there is very little you can do about it except agree to separate.

ArcticSkewer · 19/08/2023 06:43

All of that was nonsense. Men aren't that complicated. He clearly has a low sex drive and is dressing it up as not feeling wanted and other excuses. He won't change but it will always be your fault.

Herejusttocomment · 19/08/2023 07:43

Men aren't that complicated

This is a myth that perpetuates patriarchal notions that women are complicated and keeps men in a toxic masculinity state. Men are just as complicated as women, they're human so they're complicated. They have feelings just like women. They don't always want "it" and they want to make love rather than sex sometimes too.

OP, I'm glad your talk went well, have fun tonight 😜

BigButtons · 19/08/2023 08:10

IME the talks often seem promising. For a while things change but very soon go back to how they were.

Janiie · 19/08/2023 08:15

At your ages this is unusual, it's the easy bit before kids etc.

I'd end it, you're sexually incompatible for whatever reason and life is too short for sexually rejection in your 20s.

Janiie · 19/08/2023 08:21

You really shouldn't need long chats at your ages op he's making excuses, he either doesnt fancy you <sorry> has kinks he doesn't want to share, has a very low sex drive or perhaps is in the closet. Whichever it is isn't your problem, you should be made to feel irresistible and desired.

I hope you make it work if it's what you want but I think you'll end up with no confidence and feeling resentful. Find someone else is my advice.

ArcticSkewer · 19/08/2023 09:29

Herejusttocomment · 19/08/2023 07:43

Men aren't that complicated

This is a myth that perpetuates patriarchal notions that women are complicated and keeps men in a toxic masculinity state. Men are just as complicated as women, they're human so they're complicated. They have feelings just like women. They don't always want "it" and they want to make love rather than sex sometimes too.

OP, I'm glad your talk went well, have fun tonight 😜

Choose to believe whatever you want and call it a patriarchal myth.

He's hiding his low sex drive under a ton of psychology he thinks she will fall for.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 19/08/2023 09:38

You're no longer sexually compatible. And I'm sorry but to me you sound like an incredibly annoying sex pest. Always wanting a shag, always batting at him wanting sex. So much so he's waking up earlier to avoid you.

Leave if you're not happy

TheWayoftheLeaf · 19/08/2023 09:40

BygoneDays · 18/08/2023 07:41

Leave the disgusting creature.

This is such a vile response. How is someone a disgusting creature for not wanting more sex?

Do you think women who don't always want sex are disgusting? Do you think everyone should force themselves to put out even when they're not feeling it?

Wtf is wrong with you?

MichelleScarn · 19/08/2023 09:43

BygoneDays · 18/08/2023 07:41

Leave the disgusting creature.

Disgusting because he won't have sex when he doesn't want to?

Oblomov23 · 19/08/2023 09:50

Why on earth aren't you telling him all this. Leave him, this will never get better. Ever.

Agadontdontdont · 19/08/2023 09:56

This happened to me and we kept having ‘positive’ conversation but it never helped. I then read an article about ways to initiate sex and one caught my eye and it didn’t involve pointless, going around in circles conversations.

We both have our own fridge magnets have a magnet code. So magnet placed on the bottom is a no, middle means not sure but I can be persuaded but don’t be upset if nothing happens and top is a yes! Maybe you can try something like that?

If after a while nothing helps then as others have said you are not sexually compatible, you are still so young and that resentment from both of you will just grow.

ArcticSkewer · 19/08/2023 10:50

Agadontdontdont · 19/08/2023 09:56

This happened to me and we kept having ‘positive’ conversation but it never helped. I then read an article about ways to initiate sex and one caught my eye and it didn’t involve pointless, going around in circles conversations.

We both have our own fridge magnets have a magnet code. So magnet placed on the bottom is a no, middle means not sure but I can be persuaded but don’t be upset if nothing happens and top is a yes! Maybe you can try something like that?

If after a while nothing helps then as others have said you are not sexually compatible, you are still so young and that resentment from both of you will just grow.

I guess it's great to have a variety of suggestions but that magnet thing just sounds so depressing for the high sex partner.
So one person's magnet is always at the top of the fridge and they have to daily monitor the other person's?
I would definitely just be outsourcing for sex if I had to use that system.
I hope it wasn't as awful for you as it sounds.

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