Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want sex more than once per week?

92 replies

Doodles29 · 18/08/2023 07:05

Help!

I am 27 and he is 29. We have been together for 18 months and lived together for 6.

I feel that our intimacy and sex life has declined to the point where I am feeling resentful towards him.

We have got into this pattern where we tend to have sex once per week, often on a Saturday. He doesn’t seem interested any other time during the week and will often fall asleep at 9pm each night.

We both work full time, however, I am a teacher on summer holiday at the moment, so am alone more during the day hence it seems to be cutting deeper.

I have expressed to him that I would like to have sex more, but this never seems to happen.

This morning he woke up earlier than usual and was on his phone next to me in bed before work. He told me he couldn’t sleep. I then told him I couldn’t either; I tried to hug him and was stroking his arm but he was just laying on his back with both arms by his sides. Once upon a time, he would have tried it on with me, but now there’s nothing.

He is setting an alarm at the moment much earlier than he needs to get up. He gave me a kiss, then left the bed. Out of frustration I made a comment as he was leaving that I was actually feeling it this morning. He says “well I didn’t know.”

He says this all the time. We have had issues where I try and initiate and he avoids, which has led to me not feeling confident to initiate.

I said that things were fine before he went to work this morning, but I felt resentful so was probably acting cold. As soon as he left, I burst into tears. I just feel that he doesn’t want to rip my clothes off anymore.

He is out tonight and then working on Saturday. We are going out for dinner on Saturday night but I just don’t feel excited for it. Things feel stuck in their routine and I’m not feeling fulfilled.

The more I seem to try, the more I feel pushed away and then resentful. I try to rationalise things that he is probably tired etc, but I feel sad that he can’t meet my needs.

It is affecting our relationship as I then don’t want to cuddle him and show affection outside of the bedroom as I feel rejected from him in other areas.

I don’t know whether to just start rejecting him when he wants sex, as it is all led by him and it is getting frustrating. But then again I don’t want to play games.

I spend the days feeling sad and guilty about the way I treat him when I feel resentful (I am quieter than usual with him and a bit cold). I know this isn’t right but I can’t seem to stop doing it as I feel so much pent-up frustration.

Any advice? Thank you.

OP posts:
Dolores87 · 18/08/2023 08:12

Talk to him about why he isn't interested in the week in a way that doesn't radiate resentment or expectation.

Is the sex good when you do have sex?

I think peoples sex drives can come and go through out life and if he is stressed and tired he might now want to. Or maybe he is stuck in a rut and not that into the sex you are having and you both need to commit to trying new ways to excite each other, for example i have found sending texts and photos to each other when we are not around each other helps. These things can be addressed if you both want to address it but it needs honesty with each other. It is so easy to get stuck in a rut sexually.

Some of the comments are gross. Once again if this was the other way round and it was you with no sex drive and him behaving resentful and contemplating playing weird games about it the replies would be outraged about it. Its not ok to be cold and off with him for not having sex with you.

That all said it is ok to leave a relationship if you feel you are not sexually compatible. Once a week isnt that bad though on average, if the sex is good when it does happen but if you are miserable and when you talk to him he has no desire to address it its better to leave then to carry on behaving as you are about

Mischance · 18/08/2023 08:13

Another sexual incompatibility thread. The only advice can be to talk, talk, talk rather than thinking of tit for tat retaliation.

If talk does not work then you need to accept your incompatibility and live with it or part. You are young enough to start again.

Silvered · 18/08/2023 08:14

If you love him then you need to talk to him.

It's really unpleasant and unfair to sulk when you don't get sex. Nobody should feel pressured into having sex that they don't want.

Equally it's fine to want to have a fulfilling sex life with your partner.

If your sex drives are mismatched then you could look to try and compromise. If that doesn't work for you then you need to leave. You can't emotionally manipulate people when you don't get your own way. And if your needs aren't being met then he's not the man for you. If you love him then you need to recognise that you can't try and mould people to fit the pattern that you'd prefer.

littleburn · 18/08/2023 08:15

You're not sexually compatible and if it's like this only 18 months in it's very unlikely it'll get better. You're so young and you've only been together 18 months. You're not married with kids, this isn't something you need to tough out or weigh up the pros and cons of breaking up a family. Leave and find someone who makes you happy.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 18/08/2023 08:15

At your age I'd be pissed off too because it only gets worse as the years go by 🤷‍♀️.
I'm old now 😂
But we still make time for each other at least 4 times a week (i have a really high sex drive ) and I'd feel disappointed if it was less x

Ragwort · 18/08/2023 08:19

Just end it, my DH & I have been married 35 years and this is the one issue that is really, really difficult... we have totally different sex drives (well, I don't have one and would happily be celibate Grin), it is very, very difficult - for both of us. And believe me, not all men lose their sex drive as they get older!

Mummy08m · 18/08/2023 08:21

I've been in this position but only when I'd been with my dp for 8 years or so. By then I knew it was really worth making a go of.

I have advice I could share from that time, but - seriously, 18 months, living together only 6 months... if you're already discovering you're incompatible then just cut your losses and find a hot blooded man. They're everywhere.

Cardboardcup · 18/08/2023 08:21

You need to talk to him. There’s no set amount of times to have sex in a relationship. We’ve been together 30 years, sometimes it’s every day, sometimes we go months without and that’s fine too. But it’s fine with both of us. If it’s a problem for one of you then it’s just not going to work as it causes resentment. The only way to resolve it is to have a talk. If he has a lower sex drive and you can’t live with that then it’s best to finish it now because you can’t change that and trying to do so fill just cause resentment.

llamadrama16 · 18/08/2023 08:23

My relationship was like this 10 years ago when we were first dating, but I brushed it aside. Two kids and 10 years of marriage later and the frequency has reduced down to once a month if I'm lucky. It's incredibly difficult. We have a wonderful life aside from this one issue so I'm not sure I'd change anything, but please go forward with your eyes open. It can be soul destroying going to bed night after night and having your partner turn away from you every time.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 18/08/2023 08:30

It's absolutely fine for you to want more sex.

It's absolutely fine for him not to want more sex.

Talk to him, lay your cards on the table and have a grown up discussion - if he doesn't want to change his sexual expectations and neither do you, then you'll have to go your separate ways.

Please don't sulk and get in an arse with him for not wanting sex, it's gross and not ok.

FoodFann · 18/08/2023 08:41

I have been there OP. It feels horrible to get rejected time and after time. I don’t believe it’s good for our mental health to feel rejected and invalidated, and I think it can lead us to make silly decisions. So, you’re best off leaving now before you’re even more damaged and vulnerable

Doodles29 · 18/08/2023 08:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

continentallentil · 18/08/2023 08:53

Have a proper this is a deal breaker conversation with him in a neutral setting. You will probably need a couple of follow ups. Listen to what’s going on for him.

I think the chances are you have mismatched sex drives and you need to leave, but since you love him it’s worth a go.

If you do have those conversations it needs a plan of action and a compromise. You are a bit young for this but in long term relationships you often have to schedule sex so you might want to try that.

But don’t give it more than 6 months to improve.

Mummy08m · 18/08/2023 08:58

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

You've got to have these conversations in person and not by text. Also, not in bed or in the evening etc. Go for a walk in the park with takeaway coffees and discuss it there.

This is not the best way to go about this - I'm saying this as someone who has been thru similar

ArcticSkewer · 18/08/2023 08:59

how could this possibly improve enough?

I read something interesting the other day about baseline sex drive - everyone has a natural setting. the first few years I've driven by a higher sex drive because it's new and exciting. after that things settle into the baseline.

yours seem quite different.

Mummy08m · 18/08/2023 09:00

By all means text him to say "let's go for a walk on Saturday at xyz time and place, I want to talk about our intimacy" but don't carry out the dialogue itself by text. You will both come across very badly, as you do in these screenshots, and not achieve anything.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 18/08/2023 09:01

@Doodles29 - This is not a texting matter. It's interesting that you are understandably upset about a lack of intimacy, but you, too, are unable to be intimate by avoiding speaking to him face-to-face. That might be worth considering - that in different ways, you are both at arm's length.

Greenwitchhorse · 18/08/2023 09:04

End it.

It should not be like this when you are in your 20s and in a new relationship.

He also is refusing to communicate with you about what is going on.

Just accept that he is not really interested and you are not compatible. Move on to someone who will be more suitable.

@millymollymoomoo
The quickest way to end someone’s sex drive is to have a partner who sulks , withdraws and becomes moody if they don’t get sex and only want a cuddle if they know it will lead somewhere . if a man came on here describing this he’d be defined as a sex pest

Don't be daft and stop blaming her for his behaviour...she is a young woman in a fairly new relationship. She should not have to turn into a psychologist or tip toe around the fact that she wants that relationship to include intimacy. It is a perfectly normal expectation. She has spoken to him already now it is time for her to cut her losses.

GalileoHumpkins · 18/08/2023 09:05

Why on earth have you posted your private text messages on mn?

Minfilia · 18/08/2023 09:09

Greenwitchhorse · 18/08/2023 09:04

End it.

It should not be like this when you are in your 20s and in a new relationship.

He also is refusing to communicate with you about what is going on.

Just accept that he is not really interested and you are not compatible. Move on to someone who will be more suitable.

@millymollymoomoo
The quickest way to end someone’s sex drive is to have a partner who sulks , withdraws and becomes moody if they don’t get sex and only want a cuddle if they know it will lead somewhere . if a man came on here describing this he’d be defined as a sex pest

Don't be daft and stop blaming her for his behaviour...she is a young woman in a fairly new relationship. She should not have to turn into a psychologist or tip toe around the fact that she wants that relationship to include intimacy. It is a perfectly normal expectation. She has spoken to him already now it is time for her to cut her losses.

Er - she’s right, though. A partner who sulks and withdraws physically and emotionally because they aren’t getting enough sex in their eyes is deeply unattractive.

It’s fine for him to want sex once a week. It’s fine for her to want it more frequently. It’s not fine to sulk about either scenario.

user1492757084 · 18/08/2023 09:12

Other than leaving him... you instigate the action.

Go to bed earlier, kiss more, touch more, hug more during every day life. Make sexy talk in the mornings - don't be ambiguous.
If romantic play and frank discussion will not change the libido of your BF then seriously consider whether you can live like that for years.

Mischance · 18/08/2023 09:12

You have posted on a public site a personal message between you and your partner! I think he might be better off without you!!

Whattodo112222 · 18/08/2023 09:18

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Please get this deleted. This is private and so unbelievably outing. Please think about what you're doing here. You need to talk to him not a bunch of random people on a forum.

Mummy08m · 18/08/2023 09:18

The reason why I'm strongly suggesting not doing this by text is you aren't expressing yourself well at all in writing (tbf very very few people could transact thus sort of dialogue well in writing).

He's right that you're so unreasonable in your point about - I touched your arm and you didn't realise I want sex! - but that's not your main point, is it? So why include it in writing? Now he's legitimately defending himself on that specific case and it's just becoming a mudslinging match.

Just discuss this stuff in person.
Or just break up, which would probably be easiest.

Mummy08m · 18/08/2023 09:19

Also, next time, touch his arm and say you want sex.

But that's by the by.