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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want sex more than once per week?

92 replies

Doodles29 · 18/08/2023 07:05

Help!

I am 27 and he is 29. We have been together for 18 months and lived together for 6.

I feel that our intimacy and sex life has declined to the point where I am feeling resentful towards him.

We have got into this pattern where we tend to have sex once per week, often on a Saturday. He doesn’t seem interested any other time during the week and will often fall asleep at 9pm each night.

We both work full time, however, I am a teacher on summer holiday at the moment, so am alone more during the day hence it seems to be cutting deeper.

I have expressed to him that I would like to have sex more, but this never seems to happen.

This morning he woke up earlier than usual and was on his phone next to me in bed before work. He told me he couldn’t sleep. I then told him I couldn’t either; I tried to hug him and was stroking his arm but he was just laying on his back with both arms by his sides. Once upon a time, he would have tried it on with me, but now there’s nothing.

He is setting an alarm at the moment much earlier than he needs to get up. He gave me a kiss, then left the bed. Out of frustration I made a comment as he was leaving that I was actually feeling it this morning. He says “well I didn’t know.”

He says this all the time. We have had issues where I try and initiate and he avoids, which has led to me not feeling confident to initiate.

I said that things were fine before he went to work this morning, but I felt resentful so was probably acting cold. As soon as he left, I burst into tears. I just feel that he doesn’t want to rip my clothes off anymore.

He is out tonight and then working on Saturday. We are going out for dinner on Saturday night but I just don’t feel excited for it. Things feel stuck in their routine and I’m not feeling fulfilled.

The more I seem to try, the more I feel pushed away and then resentful. I try to rationalise things that he is probably tired etc, but I feel sad that he can’t meet my needs.

It is affecting our relationship as I then don’t want to cuddle him and show affection outside of the bedroom as I feel rejected from him in other areas.

I don’t know whether to just start rejecting him when he wants sex, as it is all led by him and it is getting frustrating. But then again I don’t want to play games.

I spend the days feeling sad and guilty about the way I treat him when I feel resentful (I am quieter than usual with him and a bit cold). I know this isn’t right but I can’t seem to stop doing it as I feel so much pent-up frustration.

Any advice? Thank you.

OP posts:

itsmyp4rty · 18/08/2023 09:34

I don't think this is going to work, your communication is awful and you sound very emotionally immature to even think about rejecting him when he makes a move on you - when what you want is for him to make more moves on you. You also punish him by being cold and distant with him when he doesn't want sex enough or when he doesn't know that you touching his arm means you want sex. I can imagine the response on here if a man posted this - sex pest sulky man child, bound to give anyone the ick.

If you want someone who is all over you all the time then I'm sure it won't be hard to find. Your man is happy having sex once a week, that's perfectly reasonable. Wanting more sex than that is also perfectly reasonable but you can't make him into what you want, he is who he is.

I think you need to grow up and work on your self esteem, but I don't think you'll ever be happy in this relationship and the fairest thing would be to end it.

WantingToEducate · 18/08/2023 09:38

Has he said why he doesn’t want sex more frequently?

Im currently not working, but when I was I felt so tired all the time and when I got home all I wanted to do was collapse in a heap and be in bed by 9.30pm. Sex was a million miles away from what I was thinking about. I know it used to frustrate my DH as his sex drive has always been slightly higher and sometimes he would sulk a little bit but I just ignored it.

It did get to the point where even if he came to cuddle me or kiss me I would freeze because all I would think is that he wanted sex whereas I didn’t. It made the whole dynamic of our relationship really uncomfortable.

He used to tell me that his general acts of affection were nothing more than that and it was nothing to do with sex, but I found it really hard to believe him because that’s the mindset I was in.

Then I went through a phase of not wanting to have sex because I wasn’t happy with my body (post children) and I simply didn’t want him to see me naked. I also have to take medication which has made me gain weight which is another reason why I’m insecure about how I look. My husband is reassuring and tells me he isn’t bothered at all about the weight gain, and he really isn’t, but my own issues and lack of confidence are a big factor in our reduced sex life.

Does he have any issues with his body that he may be insecure about? Is the sex good when you do have it? Do you feel like he’s really into it or do things feel a bit awkward?

I know my situation I different as I’ve been with my DH for 13 years and we have two children (who knacker us out) but I guess what I’m trying to say is that for a good number of people who avoid sex, there is a very genuine reason for it, and it’s just a case of needing to get to the bottom of it.

Prior to marriage and children me and DH never had a huge amount of sex anyway, maybe 3 times a week, even when we lived together, so maybe our appetites were aligned but since children and my body confidence issues there’s a marked difference now in how often DH wants sex compared to how much I want sex.

It’s become an understanding now where unless I initiate sex then it’s not on the cards. DH doesn’t really initiate it now as he’s very wary about not making me feel uncomfortable. We do joke about it though and I know another poster has mentioned “planned sex” and that has helped to some degree. Sometimes I will text my DH in the middle of the day and tell him I feel horny and he knows then that he will be getting some action that night 😂

I know sex is more important to my DH than it is to me and we’ve had lots of open conversations about it and just like he knows not to make me feel pressured, I also know that compromise is an important part of marriage. I never have sex when I really don’t want to, and I don’t believe any man/woman should, but sometimes I say to myself, “come on wanting, find the energy from somewhere” and I always do. And once I get into the sex I love it and I love the connection it brings - with me it’s just finding the energy or motivation in the first place.

Sometimes we have quickies of about 10 minutes because although I can muster the energy and desire at times, I know I still want an early night and I know a quickie is the only way to achieve that 😂But quickies can be really fun too 😂

We probably have sex about 1-2 times a week now. Sometimes it’s more frequent and sometimes it’s less often. We went away a few weekends ago and did it 3 times in just over 24 hours which we’ve never done in the whole 13 years we’ve been together, so there really are peaks and troughs.

The fact you are only in your 20’s and that you’ve only been together 18 months (including the fact that you don’t have children which can be the cause for a couple’s sex life decline) it does not bode well until you get to the root of the problem and it’s good that you have told him that you want a serious discussion about it.

However, sometimes there isn’t a “root cause” or a “problem” and it’s simply just a case of mismatched sex drives. If the conversation you have comes to that conclusion then you need to either accept it or leave.

I know how much it used to hurt my husband when I rejected his advances so I completely understand how hurt you must be feeling. Me and DH did work through our difficulties, but if you and your partner can’t do the same then I think ending the relationship is your only option as the resentment and the pain you feel will just continue to build and I don’t think any relationship could survive that.

The best of luck OP.

Screamingabdabz · 18/08/2023 09:47

BygoneDays · 18/08/2023 07:41

Leave the disgusting creature.

No one is entitled to sex. It’s not ‘disgusting’ to be too tired, or ill, or just not in the mood. I think your opinion and your username is the same.

BigButtons · 18/08/2023 09:55

I get you. Sex at the start is frequent and then it dwindles. I am twice your age but in the same situation. People do seem to settle for less sex as relationships go on. No one seems to consider that it is an area that needs nurturing- as does every part of the relationship.
But the bottom line is you are sexually incompatible. Do you decide to stay knowing this? Or do you end things and learn a lesson about your own needs in future relationships?
You are young- too young to be living with someone with whom you are not sexually compatible.
Your sexual needs are your needs. Find someone who is happy to meet them because they have the same needs.

plumtreebroke · 18/08/2023 10:07

Are there any physical problems? Can he have sex, but doesn't want to or is he having difficulty (or worrying about) performing? Would he talk to a GP about reduced sex drive and possible treatments. Delicate subjects really.

Original poster

Doodles29 · 18/08/2023 10:15

@plumtreebroke i have wondered whether it is possibly something more medical. ED has crossed my mind but when we have been intimate he’s never had any issues.

He can be quite a proud man, so I think that if it were medical it wouldn’t be something he would tell me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Doodles29 · 18/08/2023 10:16

The situation does make me feel awful. I feel like a bit of a sex pest when realistically I would be happy with even twice per week!

OP posts:

whybotheratall · 18/08/2023 10:17

we are just above 5o and do plenty

Pinkdelight3 · 18/08/2023 10:59

He can be quite a proud man, so I think that if it were medical it wouldn’t be something he would tell me.

This is no good. You really need to be able to have conversations about these things if the relationship has any future. It's way too early for things to have dropped off to this extent and it needs dealing with or it's not going to work. Don't let his hang-ups get in the way. Communication is the absolute bedrock.

AgentJohnson · 18/08/2023 11:00

He has a different sex drive to you, I honestly don’t see what talking to him about it is going to do, you can’t pressure somebody into more sex. Sounds like you are incompatible in this respect and yes at your age, maybe a dealbreaker.

This

So instead you’ve both bought into a corrosive cycle of avoidance and resentment. Neither of you are in the wrong, just not sexually compatible.

Whataretheodds · 18/08/2023 11:07

DustyLee123 · 18/08/2023 07:08

End it now. You’re too young for this. And please don’t get pregnant !

This.

Moonmelodies · 18/08/2023 11:57

Threatening to leave if you don't get sex, that's coercion no?

ArcticSkewer · 18/08/2023 12:06

Moonmelodies · 18/08/2023 11:57

Threatening to leave if you don't get sex, that's coercion no?

hth

Fiery30 · 18/08/2023 12:29

Withdrawing sex when he wants to is not a solution. As you said, this is not a time to be playing stupid games.
Try talking to him outside the bedroom but without being accusatory. Is he having problems at work? Health issues? Does he masturbate or is that something he finds difficult? It is important to be honest about your sexual expectations from each other. Does he care about the lack of intimacy or does he feel its enough? At the end of the day, you are young and new in this relationship, if you are already experiencing problems, it won't just go away. Your resentment will increase and neither of you will be happy.

Dolores87 · 18/08/2023 13:26

Moonmelodies · 18/08/2023 11:57

Threatening to leave if you don't get sex, that's coercion no?

Depends how its done.

I will leave you if you dont have sex with me more in coercion.

But having a frank conversation about how you are unhappy with the amount of sex you have and want to work together to.change that but ultimately if it doesn't change you don't think the relationship is right for you isn't coercive.

People dont have to stay in relationships they are not happy in and you should be able to be honest with your partner if something isnt working.

Funhouse8 · 18/08/2023 13:45

Tough one, but I left an ex for sulking. Withdrawing affection and only paying me any attention because they wanted sex. Just a total turn off and grossed me out.

Current partner. See goes in waves, sometimes its 3 times a week, sometimes its twice a month. Nothing to do with attraction or love, just life gets in the way sometimes. But you've got to decided what you want and what's important

LolaSmiles · 18/08/2023 14:00

Threatening to leave if you don't get sex, that's coercion no?

It depends how it's done.

It's coercive to guilt trips to manipulate, go into the whole "if you loved me you would..." and give me sex on my terms or I'll leave.

It's not coercive to have a respectful adult discussion about the relationship, differing sex drives, see if there's anything that can be worked on together and then if it looks like incompatibility say "we both deserve to be in a relationship with someone we're compatible and this is a deal-breaker for me".

PinkCherryBlossoms · 18/08/2023 15:31

AgentJohnson · 18/08/2023 11:00

This

So instead you’ve both bought into a corrosive cycle of avoidance and resentment. Neither of you are in the wrong, just not sexually compatible.

That's a good way of putting it. And so at this point, I'd cut my losses. You haven't been together that long.

Herejusttocomment · 18/08/2023 15:41

You told him you want more sex. But have you asked him what he wants?
It seems you hang your self-esteem as well as security in a relationship on how much sex you have. Aren't there other things your partner could do to show you they want to be with you? Maybe identify those and ask for those sometimes instead of sex. Being pressured to have sex is awful and, to some people, is a libido killer. And from there it's a vicious circle and a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Herejusttocomment · 18/08/2023 15:45

Moonmelodies · 18/08/2023 11:57

Threatening to leave if you don't get sex, that's coercion no?

It's manipulation.

The other PP who answered no then gave answers of healthy boundaries.

But saying "have more sex with me or I'll leave" is manipulation not drawing a boundary ( i.e. "this isn't working for me because we have different sex drives")

LlynTegid · 18/08/2023 15:48

You have differing wants/needs. That's not a bad thing by itself, but would be reason enough to end the relationship.

Herejusttocomment · 18/08/2023 15:50

Also, this.

Herejusttocomment · 18/08/2023 15:51

itsmyp4rty · 18/08/2023 09:34

I think you need to grow up and work on your self esteem, but I don't think you'll ever be happy in this relationship and the fairest thing would be to end it.

Oh man, I meant to quote this.

ZigZag21 · 18/08/2023 22:06

Still don't know what he does for work ... is he's in a physically demanding job? which could actually be the reason why sex is only once a week ?

Original poster

Doodles29 · 18/08/2023 23:15

@ZigZag21 he installs electric gates so he does have a manual job. X

OP posts:

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