Not everyone is happy on A level day

[Alevelwoe]

Firstly, well done to all those who've got what they needed and commiserations, plus fingers crossed, to those that haven't.

A level results day makes me feel unsettled every year.

I'd always wanted to do a hard-to-enter vocational degree but had struggled to get offers. I knew the chance of my getting what I needed to gain my only offer was very low, and had no idea what I might do instead. Context is that my teen years were pretty unhappy and I was desparate to leave home at all costs by the time I was doing A levels. (In fact if I hadn't been a very self-directed learner with a clear target, I'd have dropped out years before).

I did miss the grades and it was about 3 weeks before something came through clearing for me; all was well in the end but I still remember how hollow I felt in those 3 weeks, and how "stupid" too; I was the only one of my friends without a university place (though I had actually performed better than some of them, who'd applied for different courses).

But the other thing that stings more is that my parents had gone on holiday with my younger siblings and left me to it so I dealt with this on my own. Whenever I read comments from parents about how excited/nervous/proud they are, it cuts me a little.

Now this was 40+ years ago and I have largely let it go, ie I don't think about it for most of the year, but A level results day triggers me every year and I go back to that horrible isolated, hollow feeling of that time in my life.

No AIBU, unless someone wants to tell me that I am being U in not forgetting. I wish I could.

Not sure I have anything wise to say, but sending a big hug and an even bigger hug for your 18 year old self

But op, what are you doing now / what did you end up doing?

In the nicest possible way I think it's time to let it go.

I had a terrible results day. Was predicted quite good grades, had 3 Uni offers on a good course. I had a life plan.
Didn't get any of the grades required. I remembered being in shock and humiliated. My parents also weren’t around at the time and I remember driving home not having a clue what to do.
I ended up in clearing doing a completely different course which has changed the direction of my career and life. I’m happy and like my job but I do wonder what my life would be like if I had got the grades.

It’s the embarrassment that I remember the most really.

I did get a place on my chosen course, through clearing, and went on to make that my profession. So as I said, it all worked out in the end.

As for it being time to let it go, I fully agree, and as I explained, for most of the year it doesn't enter my head; but this particular day in the academic calendar always triggers me, always has. So I am feeling maudlin today but I'll be ok again by the weekend.

I haven't found a button marked "forget about it". If I did, I'd push it.

I think your parents let you down badly there. I know we were less child centric back in the day but still, leaving you to cope with that alone was heartless imo.

I think it's widely acknowledged now that this is a tough day for many - perhaps it wasn't so much in the past. My social media has been full of information about clearing and how to cope with not getting the grades you need. I don't know if that helps you all all - but I feel like there's a lot of support and advice available for kids who don't get the grades they need.

Sorry you’re feeling down OP It wasn’t a happy time for me either.

I think it would be futile to try to forget how you felt that day, OP.
But it sounds like you are able to put it in the context of the story of your life - this happened - this is how I felt - then I got onto a course - then my career started - look where I am now. I'm glad it all turned out OK for you. Life isn't perfect, and we can't forget tough times and feelings. Sometimes we just need to acknowledge them, and accept that it's there as part of who we are.

I would like to record an apology for my behaviour on A level results day in the last century. I was far too smug about scraping in the grades I needed and rubbed it in a bit too much, especially as most of those who did not get their first choice were the posh children.

I was sent home early from my family holiday to await my A level results. I too missed my uni offer and my poly offer. I didn't have a clue what to do. In desperation I got on my bike and cycled to school. There was one teacher there! Luckily she advised me to phone my poly choice to beg for a place. So I had to cycle home again to ring. I was so relieved when they said yes. My parents rang me after 6pm (cheap rate!) to see what I'd got. I still feel resentful that I was left to deal with it all - like you this was nearly 40 years ago. I made sure I was around for both my DCs on all results days.

I think if you're feeling this way 40 years later then you need to think of a way with dealing with this time of year so that it's not such a miserable time for you. Whether that's counselling/using CBT techniques or just planning a holiday for this time of year.

I get it OP. My a level results were nearly 30 years ago and parents were not as involved. 40 years ago they’d be even less so surely. I do look back and wonder why they were so so lax, they are lovely parents now, but I didn’t get into uni so they kicked me out - I mean wtf?!

I hear you, I completely bombed Alevels, but had pretty much given up before I ever sat them. DM married while I was in L6th, her husband made it crystal clear that I was expected to leave school and get a job. I had to get an evening/ weekend job, 'to pay my way' I stuck it out but he didn't let up and I 'proved him right' by flunking.

University clearly wasn't an option. I ended up with 3 kids by 25 and low wages/ poverty as my DH was low waged too.
I never achieved anything of mark, did get into bottom end retail management but pay was shit so went back to customer advisor.

I've made poor decisions, which I regret deeply.

My advice to youngsters is 'grab every opportunity' not that my kids did either, but that's a whole thread

I spectacularly failed my A levels I got DDU ( undiagnosed dyslexia) but I was determined to go to uni. So begged clearing for my subject. No thought of what to do afterwards.
My parents were not supportive they thought a job would be better. But a MA and an MSc later I have a good job.

My parents and siblings had gone on holiday too and left me to it (20 years ago). I luckily just about scraped what I needed in UCAS points to get my first choice though so it at least ended well. I still had my DM on the phone from Greece moaning at me because I hadn’t rung the uni on their busiest day of the year to confirm that I had the place. No well done or anything. My DC are a good while off a levels but I will definitely try to be more supportive!

My A Level results day was only 20 years ago, but even then a lot of parents were absent for results. My best friend was staying with us as her parents were at their holiday home in Spain. Another friend's parents were in Eastern Europe as they were every summer, visiting family, and saw no reason to change their usual routine. My gang of friends and I all went to school together for 9am to get our results, but even though my parents were 'at home' rather than abroad, they were both still at work in central London and wouldn't have been home until late in the evening. If I'd done badly and not got my uni place, they wouldn't have been around to support me during the day.

What all of my friends and I had in common were parents who had working class upbringings, who had all left school at 14 or 15, and had no form of formal education beyond O levels or whatever. Most of us were the eldest children in our families and this was the first time our parents were going through results day. They hadn't experienced results day themselves as they had never done any form of higher education, and so didn't really see it as significant in the same way we did. Also, if I hadn't passed and needed help with clearing or whatever, my parents wouldn't have had a clue how to help me anyway. It would have been utterly useless them being there - I needed my teachers on results day, not my parents.

So I wouldn't be too hard on your parents, OP. If they didn't come from a background of university themselves, they probably weren't able to really understand what results day meant for you and that you might need them to be around for it.

I will also say that I am a teacher now myself, and interestingly many families choose to be on holiday for results day these days, now that results can be emailed. I work in independent schools, and many of the parents very much see it as the school's responsibility to sort out any unexpected grades and support students through Clearing, as we are the experts, not them. In fact, in my last school, we banned parents from coming on results day, as we felt it was important children were able to make their own choices when results had been unexpected, rather than feeling pressured by pushy parents into making decisions they would regret later. Sadly a lot of the children I teach knew they would not get a good reception when they went home with less than stellar results (parents who pay £30k a year do expect results!), and so wanted to stay at school with their favourite teachers for support rather than going home anyway.

I'm sorry A Level results day is still so triggering for you. I'm wondering whether creating a new, lovely memory on A Level results day may be a help, going forward. You could plan to always have a special day out where you treat yourself and are able to experience the success you have made of your life, instead of it being a day to remember a time of sadness.

YANBU, I ran into oncoming traffic after receiving AS results! I was fine (obviously), but every time I see the kids in the papers jumping with their A*s I always spare a moment for the kids sobbing in the school hall

My son got his results a few years ago and he still says it was in his top 5 of worse days ever ,he got ABB instead of AAA ! He was offered a similar course at the same Uni and was going to reject the offer . Long story short he went to Leeds got a first and now in a job that he loves and well paid !
So hang on in there everyone and OP maybe your parents just didn’t realise the significance of ALevel results day that many years ago .

I know exactly what you mean Op. I actually got good results but was still disappointed with one of my grades.
My mother ( a single mother) was in America at the time and I remember feeling really upset that she wasn’t around to support me
I have done well in life but every results day I do feel a bit sorry for the eighteen year old me

Big hugs OP. That sounds awful to deal with alone.

I thought something similar when reading the other thread where no one had asked the OP about her child’s results. I always tend to wait until it’s raised because it’s such a complex emotional day. A fab grade for one child could be a disaster for another, objectively wonderful grades might mean a child moving away or going into clearly both of which are emotional rollercoasters.

I'm your age (well 57, so nearly) and I don't think many parents, or even schools, really took notice of what we did. There was a big assumption most of us females would leave school, get a job and do something "pitman" related!

I didn't even do A levels as I had no guidance when the only A level I thought I fancied doing was Maths. I wanted to be a Cartographer but people I mentioned it to didn't even know what it was, let alone be able to advise me how to achieve it from a coastal south west village. I ended up joining a BTEC course at the local college as my boyfriend was on that bus and it sounded interesting. For decades I would dream of having to go back to school to finish exams and I'm sure that's because I had to make a decision in the summer holidays as to what I was going to actually do aged 16 when in September came.

The course suited me and I excelled and picked up a professional training contract from under the A level students noses when the milk round was on and I wandered in to see what was going on.

I think we were all just let loose to be ourselves back then and navigate our own way.

Your parents sound normal for the time to me.

I agree OP. Results day can be so traumatic for many. I wish people (and the media) would think before they post all of the happy pics and boasts. I'm sorry that you didn't get the support that you needed at the time x

Yes, I agree that there was, on the whole, less family fuss over exam results back then.

OTOH I was the first person in my family to go to uni, and my parents had set enormous score on this happening, so their seeming disinterest is a bit odd set against that. But then again, as someone else has said, they would have had no idea what to do if they had been there, and we were far from being a close family - I'd be more likely to be berated than comforted for not getting the grades.

I like the idea of treating myself to something lovely each year, maybe I'll do that in the future :)

I have found my people.

I bloody hate this day.

I pretty much failed and then had to resit. Life has worked out and I'm happy but I do struggle with results day. Mainly the lack of support, the disappointment as no-one had noticed I was struggling and the having to sort stuff out alone. Bloody awful.

Also many years ago but I'm hiding away watching YouTube and it's advertising clearing places at Bangor Uni for some reason at me.

My results were over 40 years ago. I did get into my first choice. But as pp says parents seem to be more engaged with the process these days. My parents are lovely but they just had no clue about it all, all the way through. They weren’t involved with ucas, student finance, paying deposits or any of those things.

Several of my friends had parents away on holiday as they sorted their uni places out, often with help from teachers. I’m sorry it still triggers you though OP. I still look on here every a level results day even though it’s no longer relevant for me.

As a parent of 3 (with a big age gap) I seem to have been more and more involved in the whole process for each one. Sometimes I wish I was less involved and they were a little more resilient and independent about sorting uni stuff out. I have found it much more stressful waiting for DC results rather than my own.

YANBU at all. That must have been lonely, scary and miserable going through it alone. I'm 51 and although I had an unconditional university offer so nothing was riding on my results, and although my parents knew nothing much about how the whole process worked (I was the first person in my family to go to university), there's no way they would have gone away and left me to deal with results day on my own.

My dd got her results today (lower than expected, but still got her first choice university). I was up with her last night going through all the possible outcomes and alternatives just in case, and we were both awake and jittery at 5:30 this morning!