Not everyone is happy on A level day

[Alevelwoe]

Firstly, well done to all those who've got what they needed and commiserations, plus fingers crossed, to those that haven't.

A level results day makes me feel unsettled every year.

I'd always wanted to do a hard-to-enter vocational degree but had struggled to get offers. I knew the chance of my getting what I needed to gain my only offer was very low, and had no idea what I might do instead. Context is that my teen years were pretty unhappy and I was desparate to leave home at all costs by the time I was doing A levels. (In fact if I hadn't been a very self-directed learner with a clear target, I'd have dropped out years before).

I did miss the grades and it was about 3 weeks before something came through clearing for me; all was well in the end but I still remember how hollow I felt in those 3 weeks, and how "stupid" too; I was the only one of my friends without a university place (though I had actually performed better than some of them, who'd applied for different courses).

But the other thing that stings more is that my parents had gone on holiday with my younger siblings and left me to it so I dealt with this on my own. Whenever I read comments from parents about how excited/nervous/proud they are, it cuts me a little.

Now this was 40+ years ago and I have largely let it go, ie I don't think about it for most of the year, but A level results day triggers me every year and I go back to that horrible isolated, hollow feeling of that time in my life.

No AIBU, unless someone wants to tell me that I am being U in not forgetting. I wish I could.

You certainly should pat yourself on the back.

I went to a dire comprehensive school but was, luckily, in the top set which at least afforded me the best teachers (another thing that happened back in those days!).

There was a group of 4 of us that were great mates.
One was told by her father that she was to leave school at 16 and get a job. So she did working in a garage in admin.
Second went into 6th form but left when offered a job in a travel agency.
Third went into 6th form but left after first year to get married.
Me - I managed to navigate myself to becoming a chartered accountant.

Not one University application or A level between us. From top set! It was truly a different world and you did amazingly to navigate it all successfully.

I remember when I qualified a family friend, who was a lawyer in London, rang and congratulated me "for making it as a girl with my background and education" I was livid with him at the time but, as time passed, I understand more clearly what he meant.

To be fair it was normal then for parents to be hands off. Mine were away abroad and uncontactable and my dads life work had been helping other peoples kids on a level results day!

Really sorry to hear about your experience OP. The lack of emotional support and care from your parents sounds horrible. I’m not surprised you find today triggering.

I love the idea of making A Level results an annual self care day for you, I hope you find something or things that bring you joy and celebrate all the amazing qualities - resourcefulness, resilience, persistence, strength - you clearly had to get through that ‘hollow’ period.

Similarly, I’m remembering my A Level results day 20+ years ago. I never usually think about it but something about this year’s bringing it up.

I also missed grades for my conditional offer, by a tiny margin but enough to torpedo my chance to go to that university. I remember feeling exactly as you describe - ‘stupid’, and somehow foolish too. Compounding the feelings of humiliation and shame was the fact I knew I’d fucked up because my first romantic relationship abruptly finished in the middle of my summer exams. I was so embarrassed and ashamed that my ‘failure’ to control my teenage emotions - and the failure of the relationship (I didn’t choose to end it, he did) - had led me to this subsequent academic failure.

I went through clearing, got a place and eventually got a first. I have built a good life for myself and still use my subject. So a lot of good came from it, ultimately. But the missteps along the way still sting. I hear you.

I'm with you. My dad had been terminally ill for most of my life and died 10 days after my results. My mother had chosen to marry a man twice her age and then when things went wrong left it to me to deal with. She had a crappy low paid job in the next city which meant she left home at 7am and didn't back until 7pm as she can't drive. There were loads of similarly paid admin jobs in out town but therapy made me see she'd been avoiding her responsibilities by hiding behind her job so it meant I was getting my dad up and dressed before school, coming home and making him lunch and while I was doing that was being groomed by the mid 50s married next door neighbour who I ended up sleeping with when I was 17. No mention to school that my dad was ill. No bereavement grade inflation. I developed bulimia and asked her for help and she just said 'oh Fox, haven't I got enough on with your father?' I ended up failing spectacularly and going to a college I've never heard of in a shitty house miles away from campus and coming home after 6 months to be reminded what a failure I was and how expensive I had been. I never have caught up and had the life I should have had and envy these happy kids with supportive families and amazing lives ahead of them so much!

I was in the same situation OP, my parents had buggered off to the Middle East for six weeks. This was 30 years ago and they were out of contact. No email or mobile phones, etc. I did actually get into my first choice but had changed my mind and wanted to go somewhere else and rang the second uni and was fobbed off even though they had spaces in clearing, I could have done with help.

@TheSnootiestFox

Sorry to hear of the insummountable struggles you faced.

Have you got children? I bet you are an awesome Mum!

Thank you x and yes I have two boys and they have had a completely different experience!

I feel your pain OP. Similar situation here, almost 40 years ago, I breezed into school fully expecting 3As and was astounded to get 2Bs and a C. As I had done very little work, I shouldn't have been surprised. My mother unhelpfully said "well you've made your bed..." and left me to sort out my own mess. It was a life-defining moment for me as I had to ring universities and find something in Clearing but it was the making of me (in retrospect!). I got a First, went on to do a Masters and am now writing up my PhD so all was not lost in 1984.

Today was particularly triggering for me as my DS was receiving his results and I didn't sleep a wink last night. Luckily he did well - I don't think I could have borne it if he'd been disappointed but I would have been here to help him pick up the pieces.

I like the idea of an annual self-care day. I am going to do that next year.

PS If you find that 'let it go' button, signpost me to it!

I got the grades I needed by a margin at ABB. However my abiding memory of the day was calling my German tutor amazed and joyful I got a B. Her response - “such a shame not an A.” I just gave my mother the phone and started crying.
I was at a pretty big standard comprehensive and the B was great.

For some reason I don’t remember the call to my dad who couldn’t have been prouder with my mum - just the tutor. Like you I wish I could forget.

Well one of the good things that I guess many of us have carried away from our experiences, is an avowal not to put our offspring through the same!

I hope your boys appreciate your input, Fox.

We had our son’s friend on holiday with us on his A level results day - he was to do dentistry in Liverpool - sadly didn’t get the grades - went to London instead - his father’s reaction was unbelievable ( he was a headteacher- primary) he went ballistic and harangued the admin staff re accepting his son - I think a cease and desist order was needed 🙄 - poor boy was so miserable and only scraped through degree at Kings because his girlfriend ( who he kept secret) helped him v sad tale - I spent 3 days in that bloody caravan in Brittany trying to calm him down and condole with him - The father was a monster but much lauded head - street Angel 😇 house devil 👿 the son has virtually no contact with them now and is much better off for it 👍🏿❤️

I get it, OP 💐

My A level results day should have been a really happy one. I was thrilled with my results, but the day ended up being ruined because my Boyfriend at the time was furious with me for getting better grades than him. He was predicted 3 A's and was used to everyone telling him he was a genius, so he assumed that's what he'd get. He actually got 2 A's and a B (my predicted grades, incidentally) and he had a full blown tantrum. When he found out I got 3 A's his response was "that just proves the whole system is a joke".

He gave me the silent treatment all day. Then he drank too much that evening and shouted at me in front of all our friends that my results that I was "going to have a shock" when I got to uni because everyone would be so much smarter than me and I was "nothing special".

38 year old me would love to go back in time and call him out for being a petulant misogynistic baby. But 17 year old me thought the sun shone out of his arse and spent all day trying to placate him, not able to celebrate or even smile in case I was accused of rubbing it in. He actually had me convinced that my results must have been some sort of administrative error because there's no way I could possibly be cleverer than him.

I haven't seen the cunt for 20 years but every year on results day I remember how I feel irrationally angry with myself and the world remembering how I let myself be treated like that.

We should resurrect this thread next year and talk about our plans for a super self-care day.

what an absolute arsehole. Entitled little shit. I hope he eventually learned that if you want something you actually have to work for it. I’m so sorry you experienced this. I’m cheering you on though for getting your 3As!

Yaaaaaasssssss!!!

I hate all the hype and media coverage around results day.
Despite doing OK myself years ago (not great but OK) it was a relief more than a celebration.
Unless you are the one on the TV saying you are off to oxbridge with 72 A s, you naturally compare yourself to that person and feel inferior

I hate all the discussions about exams being easier/harder. Which simultaneously makes the current cohort and past cohorts feel like they didn't work as hard.

I hate asking/not asking people what they got.

It should be a private thing for the individual and their family. Not tv crews at every school

I agree. We should meet back here annually.

And can I add to those of you getting A Bs and Cs back in the olden days - you are amazing!! Even Ds and Es back then we're worthy A level grades. They were very tough exams!

I'm semi retired now and, maybe, if I end up having spare time, I might actually study that Maths A level I never did! Or start watercolour painting.....thanks ADHD .... yet another thing that's raised its head with me that no one recognised back in our days of the dinosaurs.

I did my A levels in 1978.

I got ABBC (gen studies, biol, chem, physics) plus a grade 2 in S level Biology (do S levels still exist?). I'd been forced by my school to do the first year of maths A level too, so if AS had existed then I'd have got something for that. I also passed my grade 8 piano and driving test in A level year. My first degree, that I got into through clearing, was medicine.

They didn't have A* then, and I think only the top 10% got A's. I think it's a much higher % now? -- not to knock those who are doing A levels now, but after all these years I still feel I need to justify that to anyone who'll listen. One of my friends got 3 As in the sciences and that was considered amazing (academic comprehensive school, heavily streamed).

Readers, I felt like a failure.

(One of the lads in my year got 6 As -- in Maths, double maths, physics, pure maths, and applied maths. Yes, looking back, he was almost certainly autistic).

(Further addendum, I also now have a Spanish degree! I don't feel such a failure now!)

Oh, and my big interests now are languages (Spanish, obvs,but languages generally), music, and history! lol. So much for A levels!!

Medicine in clearing!!

Yep, and I wasn't the only one! You could also get into medicine with low offers if they liked you -- 3Cs from Barts, for example, or 2Es if you passed the admission exam for Cambridge (or was it Oxford?) in advance.

I had friends doing medicine at uni who had lower grades than I did.

Things were different in the past!

Yep when I applied to medical school mid 90s you didn't need all As to get in. ABB was a typical offer and some of the London med schools were BBB

Thinking of those who are finding today a bit tough.

I remember choosing my options at 13 and wanting to do all 3 sciences and it wasnt possible given the choices because biology and chemistry clashed.

Bumptious me complained to head of year with the argument "what if I want to be a doctor?" They insisted it didn't matter as I could do AO levels? No good to me! I wasn't clever enough for medicine I just loved science and wanted to avoid their art/creative option requirement.

25 years ago for me but it still feels bittersweet. I got 2/3 grades I needed but I got an E in one where I needed a C. I couldn’t get a place and had to resit, that was a tough year. I remember the second time I got my results it was on this date…I remember sobbing with relief that I’d got in and my Mum shushing me worried people would think I’d failed!
I know now I’m neurodivergent - dyslexic/Autistic/ADHD. I’m about to do some further studying (I hope). I feel more optimistic about this time. Yes I will always feel like the shine was taken off that experience for me. I got where I wanted to be in the end..(very long way round, undergrad degree didn’t quite pan out either!) but it’s not an easy day to remember.