To think that my not so DM is a selfish cow

[Kraemerz]

I apologise in advance for ranting but oh man am I annoyed. So my dh’s mum has terminal cancer and doesn’t have long left. We visited the other day and she said that she’d love to sit out in her garden but for her to do this we need a wheelchair. DH and FIL phoned around the relevant services to see if we could source one but unfortunately there were none available in their area. Then it occurred to me that my Nan has a wheelchair that she rarely uses and she isn’t using it at all right now as she is in hospital. So I thought I’d phone DM and ask her if I could borrow the wheelchair for a few hours. My DM is known for being awkward at times so it’s rare I ask her for anything but on this occasion I didn’t think for a second she would say no to me borrowing the wheelchair but she did. Well actually she didn’t say no directly as she never does this instead she did what she always does and dances around the question making all sorts of excuses, one being that my aunt’s husbands mother gave my Nan the wheelchair. My Aunt’s husbands mother is dead! Then she said well it’s the only wheelchair your nan has got. What has that got to do with it? I have on occasion borrowed things from my parents and never once have I broken them so what is the issue? I have adhd and can fly off the handle sometimes but on this occasion I said oh ok as I was so tired and couldn’t be bothered to argue with my DM but I got off the phone and I wish I’d called her out on the way she behaved. I fuming! Like i said I have adhd so I tend to over think things but on this occasion I don’t think I’m wrong to be mad. I suspect DM could be on the spectrum like me my son and possibly my dh is too but the difference is we all have hearts or gold and we would help someone in need if it was in our power to do so. AIBU?

I would imagine she was worried she wouldn't get it back, that there would maybe be an issue or accident of some kind. It's an expensive item.

I understand that it's frustrating though

Yes she is but if she's ND it might take some processing.

Put the feelers out on SM. Someone must have one you can use for a bit. Or see if there's a shop mobility near you you can hire one from.

No, YANBU. How pathetic she is being.
If it’s within your budget, Argos sell basic wheelchairs for about £100. It would do for getting your mother in law into the garden to enjoy what precious time she has left.

We only wanted to borrow the wheelchair for a couple of hours and my MIL would just be sat in the garden as she isn’t fit enough for us to take her out anywhere so there is zero chance of us braking it.

Ask on social media. My Nan came out if hosp after a fall, and I asked to borrow a bed guard from Facebook, and offered to pay. Within 20 minutes I had one, and they said I could keep it.

YANBU my mum is sadly like this too. She actively gets jealous of anyone receiving more attention than her... even my ex mum when she actually died of cancer. Just acts obstructive and all 'but what about me!'
I feel your pain.

Sorry I should have said we’ve managed to get hold of a wheelchair now and I know that’s the main thing as my MIL will now be bake to sit out in her garden but I can’t shake the feeling of anger with regards to my mum. The amount of times I’ve helped her out and my Nan and I know you don’t do favours to get favours but I ask her for nothing usually and when I do ask she behaves like this.

Why did you ask your Mum? She doesn't have the authority to say yes or no, does she? Why didn't you ask your Nan?

( although in her position I would probably say no, it is not something you lend out)

It’s hard work when they behave like that isn’t it. My mum can be awkward as arse and it’s drained me clear the years. Even family members and friends have commented how much my DM has changed. To me she’s gone rather bitter and judgmental of people and she is very negative. I already have anxiety and struggle with various aspects of life so being around her sometimes makes me feel worse.

Facebook local usually comes up trumps for such things

I asked my DM as my Nan is in hospital and I didn’t want to bother her. My Nan I’m sure wouldn’t have an issue with us borrowing the chair as she hasn’t used it in over two years but I thought it was right to ask my mum on her behalf.

You’d say no to lending out a wheelchair for a few hours to a dying woman? Wow you’re lovely.

There are somethings you just don't ask.

I am sitting down at the moment, and no, I am not using my crutches, but no, I wouldn't lend them to you!

You need to find another way. Try a second hand shop, try red cross loans, try a different way without a wheel chair -

It would be unreasonable of you to ask your Nan if you can take her wheel chair away

it is extremely unreasonable of you to ask your mum to do it!

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to ask but I do think you’re unreasonable to be angry. You’re asking her to lend you something that doesn’t belong to her and which has the potential to be damaged.

I’ve stopped lending valuable or difficult/expensive to fix things after a couple of things were damaged. One - an expensive piece of kitchen equipment - somehow spontaneously damaged itself between me lending it to my friend and her plugging it in, the second, a dress, came back with a rip in it which I only found the next time I went to wear it, months later. I had to pay to fix the first and the second was ruined for good.

so try not be too harsh on your mum and I hope you have a lovely day with your MiL

Why is it unreasonable? We only wanted it for a few hours and then we’d clean it and return it. My Nan does not use this chair and hasn’t used it for over two years. If my Nan wasn’t in hospital and needed the chair then of course I would understand but my Nan does not use the chair.

I think I’m only being harsh on my DM because this ain’t the first time she has acted this way and I find it hard to understand her mentality. Just an example. We went on holiday a while back and I asked her if we could borrow her scales yiu know the ones that weight cases. She did let us borrow them in the end but int after telling me repeatedly that they were the only ones she has and not to brake them and not to let my autistic ds anywhere near them! Honestly I couldn’t believe her.

It's not your mums' chair to lend out though - it doesn't belong to her.

I really don't understand why you're so angry - to be honest I think it's actually a bit cheeky of you to ask when your Nan isn't around to give her permission.

Its not unreasonable and a decent person would've at least said they would look into it. And then if they couldn't lend it would give a clear reason why like 'your nan intends to use it soon' or 'i asked about it and it seemed to cause your nan worry so I dont think its a goer'
They wouldn't just be obstructive about it for no reason.

Ignore that poster OP they can’t actually read by the looks of things. Your mum is being massively unreasonable and you should just step back from helping her with anything in the future if this is their reaction to asking for such a small thing x

@Brightandshining exactly what you have just said. I only asked my DM as she would likely know if my Nan would have an issue with me borrowing the chair. Personally I do not think my Nan would have an issue with this but my DM could’ve said let me check with your nan and I’ll get back to you. If that was then a no then fair enough but she didn’t even bother to ask.

I wouldn’t feel ok to lend something that didn’t belong to me. That’s not right at all- surely you see that? Your mum felt uncomfortable and made excuses rather than being direct. I’d be upset if I was your Nan and my stuff was lent out without asking me whilst I was in hospital! If it wasn’t appropriate to ask you mr Nan then I’m afraid you shouldn’t be asking to borrow ir

You really do have my sympathy OP, my own mother would always let you know just inconvenienced she was every time she did your a favour - how many things she had to reschedule and how awkward you’re being! I stopped asking pretty early on and now even if she offers I say it’s ok I’m sorted. I have a much better relationship with her now I’ve taken her help out of the equation

You are not being at all unreasonable.
im glad your MIL managed to get out in her garden, bless her.
Remember your Mum’s lack of effort when she asks for help in the future

You wouldn't 'lend out' a wheelchair - which hasn't even been used for two years and is currently just gathering dust while its owner is in hospital - to a terminally ill woman just for a few hours?

Really??? Fucking hell.

You've somehow made this your DMs problem when it has nothing to do with her.

Why hasn't your DH or your FIL gotten her a wheelchair before? It's the FIl responsibility.
How does she get to doctor's appointments or even go outside to sit in the garden?