To think that my not so DM is a selfish cow

[Kraemerz]

I apologise in advance for ranting but oh man am I annoyed. So my dh’s mum has terminal cancer and doesn’t have long left. We visited the other day and she said that she’d love to sit out in her garden but for her to do this we need a wheelchair. DH and FIL phoned around the relevant services to see if we could source one but unfortunately there were none available in their area. Then it occurred to me that my Nan has a wheelchair that she rarely uses and she isn’t using it at all right now as she is in hospital. So I thought I’d phone DM and ask her if I could borrow the wheelchair for a few hours. My DM is known for being awkward at times so it’s rare I ask her for anything but on this occasion I didn’t think for a second she would say no to me borrowing the wheelchair but she did. Well actually she didn’t say no directly as she never does this instead she did what she always does and dances around the question making all sorts of excuses, one being that my aunt’s husbands mother gave my Nan the wheelchair. My Aunt’s husbands mother is dead! Then she said well it’s the only wheelchair your nan has got. What has that got to do with it? I have on occasion borrowed things from my parents and never once have I broken them so what is the issue? I have adhd and can fly off the handle sometimes but on this occasion I said oh ok as I was so tired and couldn’t be bothered to argue with my DM but I got off the phone and I wish I’d called her out on the way she behaved. I fuming! Like i said I have adhd so I tend to over think things but on this occasion I don’t think I’m wrong to be mad. I suspect DM could be on the spectrum like me my son and possibly my dh is too but the difference is we all have hearts or gold and we would help someone in need if it was in our power to do so. AIBU?

Your mum is very unkind, it wasn’t a big ask, particularly as it was k my a few hours. It was very un thinking of her and selfish.

sorry to hear your mil is dying. Personally I’d take a step back from your mum for a while until you feel less angry. But now you know, your mum is all about herself and what people can do for her.

Freegle?

@Nevermay whether you personally think they need it or not.

OP has clearly said the Nan hasn't used it for 2 YEARS.

Just stop now. You're making yourself look more of a tit with every reply.

I agree, I'm astonished there are so may selfish people in the world. I wish we had some kind of card system to identify such people so that we know that if they are dying, and need something, that they hadn't used for two years, for a couple of hours, we know NEVER to let they have it.
In fact, that wouldn't work. Most people are not so selfish they would STILL help out the selfish person even if selfish person would see a dying person miss a couple of hours sunshine, rather than lend something they didn't even use.

I am explaining to others who may be reading that is is not acceptable to ask to borrow a medical aid like this from someone, whether you think they need it or not.. It is rude, intrusive and distressing, which is why carers are trained never to do it. I don't really care if you think that makes me look "like a tit" - that is frankly your problem, not mine.

@Nevermay
I'm so glad most people in the world are lovely and would help a dying women with something like this.
I'm sorry about your MIL OP, I'm also sorry there are so many shitty people in the world. You will never change your mum unfortunately and it sounds like this latest act of selfishness isn't out of character. I would distance myself from her, I mean, what positive does she actually add to your life?

Your not physically disabled and it clearly shows.

You can not just lend out someone else's means of mobility.

Not only is it ridiculous to want to borrow someones legs because they 'aren't using them right this second' (this isn't like a crutch left over from a broken foot years ago) but a lot dont even own their own wheelchairs and are liable for damage and adhere to rules. Plus a wheelchair used incorrectly can be dangerous or even fatal.

Imagine its a different mobility aid like a car... you are asking a 3rd party to borrow someones car so you can then again give it too someone else with zero understanding of the 'insurance' (the contract rules) or 'license' (training to use it correctly) and saying 'well I won't have an accident with it' (as if anyone PLANS on having an accident).

While in this very specific situation, I agree she was reasonable to ask and the mum was unreasonable to say no, I agree with you in general. It’s really not on to ask people if you can borrow their mobility aids, whether they are currently using them or not. I have offered my wheelchair to others for a small
amount of time before, as I only need it for longer journeys and not daily. But I have also felt awkward before when people have expected to be able to borrow it when I know that if anything happened to it, I couldn’t afford to replace it and it would be really inconvenient to my life. Equally, I’ve had people ask to borrow my crutches before “because I have a walking stick I use more regularly”. Except sometimes I need my crutches. And since they belong to me, no one else has an entitlement to them!

I suppose some people just don’t care about people they don’t know. And she would have known you could figure it out another way

Sometimes you come across a thread that renews your beliefs in the depths of human kindness and generosity....and then you read one like this. The MIL is dying, she wants to feel the sun on her face in her garden. If I was a wheelchair user I would lend it for a few hours and be immobile to grant this woman's dying wish...for 2 hours ffs. Where is the compassion? I'm so glad you found her a wheelchair OP

Put ads on local Facebook asking if anyone can loan her one. Talk to her McMillan nurse or palliative team

She’s not her career though, she’s her granddaughter asking if her dying mil can use a wheelchair that is sitting in the nans house who is currently in hospital and that hasn’t been used for 2 years.

@Nevermay you've not even stopped to consider that I, and others in this thread, may be service equipment users have you?

Just because you say it's rude, that's just your opinion. It's not a law. I wouldn't find it rude or anything else you've spouted.

If my super duper bit of equipment could give a DYING close relative a couple of hours joy in her own garden, then I would gladly lend it, and think anyone who would say no is a selfish cunt.

But then that's just my opinion too and we will have to just disagree on this.

I really hope that you would brake a wheelchair occasionally, especially on slopes.

YANBU to have asked to borrow the wheelchair.

YABU to be as angry as you are because she said no. When you ask someone for a favour, you don't automatically assume you're entitled to them doing it for you or giving it to you. Your anger denotes that you felt entitled to the wheelchair.

Clearly, she didn't feel comfortable for one reason or another lending it to you. Maybe she feared that it would end up broken or not being returned. Maybe that's a reasonable concern or maybe it isn't. I don't know. Only your DM knows why she said no.

I also wonder if the reason she didn't say no directly is because you may have a tendency to kick off if you don't get your way.

Would it have been nice of her to lend the wheelchair? Of course it would have been, but it wasn't hers to lend out. You should have asked your Nan, not your DM.

By your own reasoning and "logic," other people are entitled to not want to lend out their equipment that may have cost them a lot and be very valuable to them to people and may think others foolish for doing so.

There's not a law that says people are obligated to lend out their specialist equipment or else they're deemed a selfish cunt by the rather "pleasant" folks on MN.

You can source a wheelchair from the local Red Cross, and disability aid stores will hire them out. LA OT could make this happen too. Also, if she is terminally ill, the local MacMillan nurses can get hold of one for her. Don't give up, just because your Mum is being a prize meany!

I once hired one for my dad from the local shopping centre, it may be worth seeing if this is possible in your area.

Personally I'd tell her how you feel.
Fancy not helping a dying person fulfill one of their last wishes. That's just beyond cruel and selfish.

My mum was like this most of her life. I bought her a wheelchair, so we could take her to hospital appointments . When my mother in law broke her leg l asked to borrow her chair for a short time (a couple of days)until MIL could get her own. The answer was No it’s mine , and l need it!

@Nevermay oh don’t be ridiculous. There is a world of difference between asking a wheelchair user to borrow their chair that they USE REGULARLY, to asking if they can borrow an unused for two years chair, from someone currently in hospital, for a few hours.
Grow up.

seriously? ffs op is talking about about a dying woman getting a few hours of comfort!!! are people really so friggin selfish and greedy these days? cheeky??? more like caring and thoughtful.

@crazeekat 100% agree. I despair. How sad.

This thread makes me sad to be fucking human.

I would give anything to help anyone were it in my power, and a chair that hadn't been used in 2 years????

Those amongst you posting here saying ' it's not hers to give' etc, need to FOTTFSOF.

and this is why I don't give a shit if the human race ceases to exist. We really don't deserve to.

Hope all is well with you OP. Curses on the shitty posters🤣

And you haven't stopped to considered that you dont speak for all of us.