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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my not so DM is a selfish cow

104 replies

Kraemerz · 17/08/2023 10:46

I apologise in advance for ranting but oh man am I annoyed. So my dh’s mum has terminal cancer and doesn’t have long left. We visited the other day and she said that she’d love to sit out in her garden but for her to do this we need a wheelchair. DH and FIL phoned around the relevant services to see if we could source one but unfortunately there were none available in their area. Then it occurred to me that my Nan has a wheelchair that she rarely uses and she isn’t using it at all right now as she is in hospital. So I thought I’d phone DM and ask her if I could borrow the wheelchair for a few hours. My DM is known for being awkward at times so it’s rare I ask her for anything but on this occasion I didn’t think for a second she would say no to me borrowing the wheelchair but she did. Well actually she didn’t say no directly as she never does this instead she did what she always does and dances around the question making all sorts of excuses, one being that my aunt’s husbands mother gave my Nan the wheelchair. My Aunt’s husbands mother is dead! Then she said well it’s the only wheelchair your nan has got. What has that got to do with it? I have on occasion borrowed things from my parents and never once have I broken them so what is the issue? I have adhd and can fly off the handle sometimes but on this occasion I said oh ok as I was so tired and couldn’t be bothered to argue with my DM but I got off the phone and I wish I’d called her out on the way she behaved. I fuming! Like i said I have adhd so I tend to over think things but on this occasion I don’t think I’m wrong to be mad. I suspect DM could be on the spectrum like me my son and possibly my dh is too but the difference is we all have hearts or gold and we would help someone in need if it was in our power to do so. AIBU?

OP posts:
Hummingbird89 · 17/08/2023 17:25

@JusthereforXmas she has LITERALLY said “just my opinion”, making it clear she doesn’t speak for anyone else.

drpet49 · 17/08/2023 17:25

Grapewrath · 17/08/2023 11:20

You are not being at all unreasonable.
im glad your MIL managed to get out in her garden, bless her.
Remember your Mum’s lack of effort when she asks for help in the future

This

dottiedodah · 17/08/2023 17:27

I have a feeling that Red Cross may lend out wheelchairs for hire ? Maybe some Facebook enquiries may help as well.Your DM may be worried about lending it out as well

Thomasthe · 17/08/2023 18:25

The lack of empathy is horrible 😞 a simple request by a dying woman.

I’m shocked at some of the responses here. Consider the situation- It’s a wheelchair that has been unused for 2 years!!! It’s not comparable to asking a regular wheelchair user to part with something which aids them getting around.
please try to enjoy your time with your MIL and I hope she enjoys her time in the garden 💐

Kendodd · 17/08/2023 20:26

I know!
Its astonishing how selfish some people are. And for what reason? An unused wheelchair, I guess it's just deliberate nastiness.

Kendodd · 17/08/2023 20:31

I remember hearing about somebody who had collapsed in the street and needed a defibrillator. Somebody rushed into a nearby office with a defibrillator on the wall and asked please to have it. They were told 'no' and it was for staff only. I didn't believe it at the time, after reading this thread, totally believe some people would refuse.

Missingmyusername · 17/08/2023 20:42

I’m sorry about your MIL 💐 I hope she enjoys her time in the garden and you’re able to make it special.

Don’t let your DM get under your skin. From what you’ve said she’s a selfish bugger and there’s nothing left to say.

RedHelenB · 18/08/2023 05:30

Kendodd · 17/08/2023 20:31

I remember hearing about somebody who had collapsed in the street and needed a defibrillator. Somebody rushed into a nearby office with a defibrillator on the wall and asked please to have it. They were told 'no' and it was for staff only. I didn't believe it at the time, after reading this thread, totally believe some people would refuse.

I'd have taken it off the wall, it wax an emergency. Very different circumstances though.

ClaireEclair · 18/08/2023 08:16

My mum is like that. She was angry at my sister for going to the funeral of her now ex partner’s mother instead of spending the day with her. Didn’t even offer condolences to him the next time she saw him (actually ignored him). She’s bizarre!

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 18/08/2023 08:27

What the actual fuck is wrong with some of the posters here?? The OP wasn't planning on tipping her grandmother out of the wheelchair. It hasn't been used for 2 years! Not at all the same as using someone's crutches or mobility car ffs.

The OPs MIL is about to die and wants to sit in her garden for an hour or two and you admit that you'd happily say "nah, that wheelchair that has been sat in the hallway unused for years is mine so tough shit"

I'm disgusted. Actually disgusted for one of the first times ever on here and I've been here for 15 years

Ngmi · 18/08/2023 09:34

The selfish stupidity of people on this thread. So glad they are not the majority in this world or we would have no welfare state, no charities and no society to speak of. I agree with a previous poster, they should have selfish bastard cards so we can know who they are.

Xrays · 18/08/2023 09:38

Ngmi · 18/08/2023 09:34

The selfish stupidity of people on this thread. So glad they are not the majority in this world or we would have no welfare state, no charities and no society to speak of. I agree with a previous poster, they should have selfish bastard cards so we can know who they are.

Agree.

jannier · 18/08/2023 12:35

CleverLilViper · 17/08/2023 16:27

By your own reasoning and "logic," other people are entitled to not want to lend out their equipment that may have cost them a lot and be very valuable to them to people and may think others foolish for doing so.

There's not a law that says people are obligated to lend out their specialist equipment or else they're deemed a selfish cunt by the rather "pleasant" folks on MN.

Show quote history

No they are selfish if they had actually been in need of it themselves fair enough but to have something sat unused that could be loaned and make someone's last days better is pure nastiness in a few years that wheelchair will be down the tip.

Wenfy · 18/08/2023 12:43

Judging from your posts it seems like your Mum’s your Nan’s carer and fairly unsupported. Have you ever offered to help her with your Nan like you helped DH with his Mum? If not then I can understand to an extent. Being a carer is tough and lonely but especially when you’re older yourself.

Mischance · 18/08/2023 12:50

I really think you should get on with sourcing one from somewhere else (see my above post) - the priority is that this lady is enabled to have her wishes met - taking on your mother can wait!

Cornishclio · 18/08/2023 12:51

Your mum sounds selfish and I would take a step back. Sorry about your MIL. As you say Christmas will be different this year so you and your DH do what works for you. Let your mum sort herself out.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 12:58

Wenfy · 18/08/2023 12:43

Judging from your posts it seems like your Mum’s your Nan’s carer and fairly unsupported. Have you ever offered to help her with your Nan like you helped DH with his Mum? If not then I can understand to an extent. Being a carer is tough and lonely but especially when you’re older yourself.

Nothing in OP's posts suggest that. You just completely made up a sob background story.

romdowa · 18/08/2023 12:58

I have a wheelchair that I haven't used in two years and I wouldn't lend it to anyone. It was so hard to get and if anything went wrong then I'd probably not get another one. It's medical equipment that I will probably need in the future again.

Laiste · 18/08/2023 13:03

Wenfy · 18/08/2023 12:43

Judging from your posts it seems like your Mum’s your Nan’s carer and fairly unsupported. Have you ever offered to help her with your Nan like you helped DH with his Mum? If not then I can understand to an extent. Being a carer is tough and lonely but especially when you’re older yourself.

or ... not!

What an imagination!

Judging from OPs post it seems to me like the OPs mum is a difficult woman whom OP should avoid asking any favours from in future to avoid disappointment.

jannier · 18/08/2023 13:09

romdowa · 18/08/2023 12:58

I have a wheelchair that I haven't used in two years and I wouldn't lend it to anyone. It was so hard to get and if anything went wrong then I'd probably not get another one. It's medical equipment that I will probably need in the future again.

Seriously you were disabled and needed it then didn't for 2 years but might again....or are we talking post op? If you can remember back to how much you needed it and what it felt like then, now add it's your last chance ever to sit in your garden on your remaining few days of life but the selfish git next door has one and won't let your family wheel you out into your garden how would that be ...
Wheelchairs don't go wrong let alone in one or two trips out in the garden they are more likely to seize up through being sat unmoved.
If you need one long term your care team organises one and you are measured for it.

billy1966 · 18/08/2023 13:22

Yanbu.

Your mother sounds awful.

I think you are amazing not to have said something.

She sounds petty and pathetic.

I am so sorry about your MIL, you sound so kind.

Step back from your own mother and her selfishness.

You will feel the better for it.

romdowa · 18/08/2023 13:33

jannier · 18/08/2023 13:09

Seriously you were disabled and needed it then didn't for 2 years but might again....or are we talking post op? If you can remember back to how much you needed it and what it felt like then, now add it's your last chance ever to sit in your garden on your remaining few days of life but the selfish git next door has one and won't let your family wheel you out into your garden how would that be ...
Wheelchairs don't go wrong let alone in one or two trips out in the garden they are more likely to seize up through being sat unmoved.
If you need one long term your care team organises one and you are measured for it.

Show quote history

I have a condition and if it flares up then it leaves me unable to walk very far. I've been fortunate enough not to have had a flare in 2 years but that could change at any moment. I was measured for this by ot and it was provided to me. All the foot rests ect are adjusted to my height . A broken wheelchair could cost me my own freedom and the health system will not give me another one when I let someone borrow it and it got broke. So if that makes me selfish then so be it. There are places that you can hire a wheelchair for people who need one short term.

missnevermind · 18/08/2023 13:45

I have a wheelchair that I have to use if I leave the house. I have only used it 3 times I the last 2 years as I am unable to leave the house without a whole song and dance and effort so I just don't.
I would not have lent you my wheelchair. I would have thought you very cheeky to have asked and I would have felt guilty to have said no. But I would not have let you have it.

crazeekat · 18/08/2023 14:24

honest to fk. this is disgusting. actually those saying she shouldn't have got the wheelchair and it's not hers bla bla are actually a disgrace to humans. i bet you all went go about preaching be kind too.
absolute cretins the lot of you. i hope ur families don't ever get ill and need a favour from anyone to give them a bit of comfort and if it does i hope u all remember this woman hoping for a few hours in a borrow wheelchair in the last weeks of her life and all hang ur heads in shame.
disgraceful. what a cruel lot of assholes u all are.

crazeekat · 18/08/2023 14:27

missnevermind · 18/08/2023 13:45

I have a wheelchair that I have to use if I leave the house. I have only used it 3 times I the last 2 years as I am unable to leave the house without a whole song and dance and effort so I just don't.
I would not have lent you my wheelchair. I would have thought you very cheeky to have asked and I would have felt guilty to have said no. But I would not have let you have it.

you sound nice.
totally different situation. read the post properly.