To think that my not so DM is a selfish cow

[Kraemerz]

I apologise in advance for ranting but oh man am I annoyed. So my dh’s mum has terminal cancer and doesn’t have long left. We visited the other day and she said that she’d love to sit out in her garden but for her to do this we need a wheelchair. DH and FIL phoned around the relevant services to see if we could source one but unfortunately there were none available in their area. Then it occurred to me that my Nan has a wheelchair that she rarely uses and she isn’t using it at all right now as she is in hospital. So I thought I’d phone DM and ask her if I could borrow the wheelchair for a few hours. My DM is known for being awkward at times so it’s rare I ask her for anything but on this occasion I didn’t think for a second she would say no to me borrowing the wheelchair but she did. Well actually she didn’t say no directly as she never does this instead she did what she always does and dances around the question making all sorts of excuses, one being that my aunt’s husbands mother gave my Nan the wheelchair. My Aunt’s husbands mother is dead! Then she said well it’s the only wheelchair your nan has got. What has that got to do with it? I have on occasion borrowed things from my parents and never once have I broken them so what is the issue? I have adhd and can fly off the handle sometimes but on this occasion I said oh ok as I was so tired and couldn’t be bothered to argue with my DM but I got off the phone and I wish I’d called her out on the way she behaved. I fuming! Like i said I have adhd so I tend to over think things but on this occasion I don’t think I’m wrong to be mad. I suspect DM could be on the spectrum like me my son and possibly my dh is too but the difference is we all have hearts or gold and we would help someone in need if it was in our power to do so. AIBU?

It's not your muns to lend though. You need to ask your Nan. Yabu.

If the wheelchair was originally someone else’s anyway your Mum is not only being unreasonable but a hypocrite. Most people would not begrudge a terminally ill woman a small lend of something that isn’t actually being used at the time, let alone that has sat unused for 2 years, however some people are just selfish. Don’t forget this.

Thanks @Ngmi. I think I am going to have to take a step back. In fact I’ve always put the wheels in motion. A couple of weeks back not long after we’d got the sad news about my MIL I’d nipped round to my parents house to drop off something. I had a cuppa and we got to chatting and my DM asked about MIL so I explained the situation. No sooner had I finished she then decided that it was appropriate to ask me if me and my dh would still be cooking my Nan’s Christmas dinner this year! Now for context me and dh have cooked a Christmas dinner for my Nan for the best part of a decade. She likes to eat at home and not be around to many people so making her a dinner was never a problem but at the same time my parents have never sorted her any food and is read they sod off to a fancy hotel for their Christmas dinner. This year before we even found out about my MIL me and dh had been thinking about having food on Christmas eve this year and giving ourselves Christmas day off from cooking. I explained this to my DM and she got an uppity saying oh well they don’t know what they’re going to do then. I explained that there are places that do Christmas dinner and you pick them up. My DM then started banging on about the fact her and my DF go for their Christmas dinner early on in the day so they couldn’t possibly pick up a diner for my Nan. Honestly words failed me. Only an hour before I’d gone to their house I’d been hiding in my bedroom crying over my MIL and my DM dared asked me that question. Talk about timing. I mean my MIL won’t be here for Christmas so did it really not occur to her that Christmas will look a lot different for us as a family this year.

@Kraemerz my lord, yes make some space for yourself. That’s insane selfishness. Hope you’re ok and I’m sorry about your mil x

Ask on your local fb page. In my experience of them, when it comes down to it, when people are in a pinch, people are kind and will help if they can.

@Kraemerz did you post a thread about christmas dinner at the time? It seems familiar.
Your mum does indeed sound like a selfish cow and I’m sorry 💐

WOW. What caused this "hate the world" mentality?

OP wasn't asking to take a wheelchair from someone who actively needs it! She was asking to borrow it, for a couple of hours, from a lady who hasn't used it in 2 years!

I think you are overthinking it. It's not actually hers and she said no , I don't see why you are so angry.
Calm
Down and let it go it's not your wheelchair.

I think from what you have said that your mother is not a person who you can borrow from regardless of what it is. She is not a sharer. Perhaps she has had a bad experience sharing etc

To be honest I would be distancing myself from her a bit, she does not sound like a particularly nice person. I feel so sad for your Nan that her her daughter considers it too much of a hassle to get her Christmas Dinner.

Honestly people like your mother never change so I wouldn't waste my time having expectations about her.

I am very sorry about your MIL

Sorry capitals was a mistake ! Just you can only ask to borrow it's never a right.

Regardless of the wheelchair situation, I think the fact you didn't challenge her when she declined to lend the wheelchair, was a good move. It takes away any power she thinks she has over you. This will help you step away from her.

I'm pleased you managed to find a wheelchair for your MIL

Wow, it’s not like you are keeping the wheelchair . It’s only for a few hours , and it’s been sitting gathering dust. I can’t believe how mean spirited some of the replies are on here . Your mum sounds a right selfish person . It’s nice to know there are kind thoughtful people in the world willing to give some care and compassion but not everyone one is . Sorry for your MIL

She can be very selfish yes. We are in the way up to my MIL now and just before we left my DM called me. I didn’t pick up as I can’t speak to her right now as I’ll say something I might regret. I mean it’s one thing to say no to a simple request like that but then to be so self absorbed to not realise why I might be annoyed and then not even give me the time to calm down?

YANBU and I can see why you are upset. I think probably your Mum was worried about agreeing then not having the chair for your aunt, so I can see this issue. Pleased you have one now and I hope your MIL has enjoyed sitting in the garden.

I got a referral from my doctors for a wheelchair.

RTFT, or at least the OP’s posts. OP says she now has a wheelchair.

Unless you have a history of not giving things back, or your son breaking things, it's very harsh. However I'm really surprised that via a charity/Macmillan etc one couldn't be gotten, without asking. If it's been supplied by the NHS, neither your Mum or Nan should be lending it out. If it has been privately bought, then you should have asked your Nan. I've been in your Mum's situation and have had to say ask the owner (my Mum). I wouldn't be financially able to replace it. If we were asked to lend my GC SN buggy, it would be a no, because it is supplied by the NHS and they are expensive. I remember the Christmas dinner thread, she needs to step up. However you aren't going to change her. What sort of relationship do your children have with her and your Nan? Don't punish your Nan for this.

There are some things that you just don't ask to borrow, and wheel chair is in that category, along with glass eye, or speech machine.

In fact in care training, you will be taught that you never, ever even touch these things unless there is a very very good reason and you have specific permission. Asking for someone else to have a go would not be acceptable

@Nevermay I think you are missing the point, this chair is not in use. She wasn't going to tip her Nan out!

But it wasn't the mum's chair to lend.

I'd be pretty annoyed to find someone was lending out my stuff without my permission - whether I was planning on using it or not.

I feel your pain op, that's a crappy attitude from your mum

There are some things that you just don't ask to borrow, and wheel chair is in that category, along with glass eye, or speech machine.

Give over. My friend worked for a company that hired out all kinds of mobility equipment for NHS patients, multiple times over, wheelchairs being amongst them. It’s nothing like a glass eye. How many of us got wheeled up to maternity unit?

In your case it wasn't being used because your grandmother is in the hospital, and so you're not unreasonable. But as a wheelchair user I don't lend out my chair. It's my legs, basically.

Glad you found one, though. I'm sorry about your MIL.

That is completely different, obviously - that is why I suggested the OP hire one. It is not the same as taking a private possession which is basically an extension of someone else's body - whether you personally think they need it or not.

@Nevermay It would be unreasonable of you to ask your Nan if you can take her wheel chair away

Away????? It's hardly removing it forever. The Nan is in hospital so not using it and it's a couple of HOURS for a DYING lady. Jeez 🙄 OP is right, you sound awful.