To be considered very outspoken

[Tealdownunder]

I am not sure if I have posted in the right section but I wanted to see what the general consensus is around people who are outspoken?

Since my early 40's I have noticed I have become more and more outspoken and really do not seem to be able to filter anything that comes out 🤣. I try and contain it at work but occasionally it has ruffled a few feathers. My DH and DC are used to me now but friends often look aghast when I just can't seem to stop the words coming out. I read a good practice is to think about what you're going to say before allowing the words out but the moment to say something would have then passed and the opportunity to say something would be gone!

Not sure what I think will happen if I don't get my point across but I'm keen to hear if anyone else is the same or was the same and has successfully changed!

I am due to start a new position at work next week working more with our clients so I feel I need to work on this!

What sort of thing do you say?

I had a friend that called herself 'outspoken'. She had no filter and I and others actually found her quite rude. Had to get her point across even if it wasn't particularly relevant to the conversation. Felt like she needed to be heard before or over others. Often hurt people's feelings with her comments and opinions.

Tricky one.
I've often been grateful for someone willing to voice the uncomfortable issue that others are skirting round.
I have a friend who is in a senior role who is having coaching, basically therapy for high up people on how to stop 'saying it like it is' (even very diplomatically/politely) and be more 'toe the company line' this is so she can learn to be political in what she says (not just how she says it, but whether she says it at all)... I couldn't do that, and actually think if people do say/omit the correct thing for their careers it is damaging to the quality of our companies.

But people who sound off at every opportunity and wax lyrical on topics they have no knowledge of, like the sound of their own voice, and think their opinion is the most important thing in a conversation... They are very tiresome and often kill a good conversation.

Hard to tell whether you're the valuable voice or the boorish voice from what you've said, if you're the former I'd say you don't need to change much unless you've had feedback to suggest otherwise. If you're the latter maybe (I dunno) ask someone you know and trust to record you and listen back to it... The cringe might be enough to put the brakes on next time.

A friend I know, called Lucy, she's similar in that she says her true points first then it's almost as if she then realises that it was a bit brunt so then tries to either backtrack or mitigate her perspectives.

Sometimes it's better when she's honest but not everyone is the same.

Yes, these people I would avoid like the plague.

I've worked with people like that and to be honest I hated it. They were proud that they 'took no shit' but in reality they just came across as condescending dicks. It regularly led to a really unpleasant working environment. People say they 'just can't help it' but of course they can. It's a choice.

I'm not saying you're like this OP but please be aware that the impact of this sort of behaviour can be quite damaging to a workplace (and probably to family life too).

I think I’d need to hear more about how you define outspoken. If you are just assertive and direct I think that’s fine. If you blurt out rude comments without thought, or speak over others, that is obviously very different.

What sort of things are you saying?

Your dh and dc being used to it may not be a good thing.

Are you offering opinions when not needed?

I can't stand the people who "call a spade a spade", think what you like but keep it to yourself

Friends are 'aghast' and you have 'ruffled a few feathers' at work?

Being direct can be good, if you are polite and clear

But, you sound rude. And I think you absolutely could choose not to be, if you wanted to. Before speaking your mind, imagine you're speaking to your boss / sister / new date, or anyone that you care what they think of you

Well, you have self-awareness OP, which is a start. I went through a phase of being quite outspoken in my mid-40s and wondering why I was losing friends and - you guessed it - people found it rude. You can change, but you have to make a real effort and understand how your 'outspokenness' (which to other people will come across as just old plain rudeness) affects other people. You might find it helps to go on HRT too. Just saying.

There's a place for honesty and transparency. It is often very valuable.

BUT people with no filter are very annoying and come across as very unprofessional in a work context.

You have to pick the right timing to "tell it as it is", as well as the right context and the right audience. And you still need to express things diplomatically.

Outspokenness is often just a euphemism for rudeness.

Generally people who consider themselves outspoken are just rude.

Outspoken is okay but there is a time to know when to be silent, when to have tact and when to consider people's feelings. Otherwise you're just dressing up rude, mean and brash with a term you feel better about.

I have become a lot more forward/ assertive with age. I think it's confidence primarily, and also because I am more fed up with having to put up with crap all the time. So I stand up for myself (and others) much more now.

All that said, being outspoken is no excuse for being rude. If people are reacting shcoked at what you say I think you need to take that on board as feedback.

I agree we need some examples, but it's a worry if you think it's going to affect.your career.

What line of work are you in?
If it's a consultant/expert type role of course you need the confidence to speak up & 'lean in' (shudder) to give your opinions on the project, but you also know there's going to be situations where you have to bite your lip & nod as the client has the final word.

Diplomacy can be a learned skill. Maybe have a look at a few leadership type courses?

I agree being outspoken is often rude.

What are you outspoken about?

What happens if you don't say something? Emotionally, I mean?

I think it can be a good quality if you've considered what you are going to say , when and to whom. But you say you let your mouth run away with its self and that's not ok , it's just rude. You need to count a few seconds and balance up if it's relevant and needed and how to get your point across without upsetting people. The most annoying thing with people who just 'say it as it is' is that they are usually the first to get offended or refuse to listen to others. You are aware and can work on it.

Hi OP, You have realised and analysed what you do. Good
You want to change, (final para) you know it is necessary. Good
Now you need to devise a plan that will enable you to work on the problem.
That means self help web sites and books. I'm sure there are some. Don't get far into the 'woo' stuff, that will waste your time.
With me I was fed-up with being overlooked and I thought ignored. At work it was a competitiveness. I wanted to be the one with the answer.
Spend time on yourself, it is solvable.

The next time you feel the need to voice an opinion, tell yourself to count to 5 or 10, time to think about how what you were going to say might impact on someone or the group, or how you might feel if the same thing was said to you.

Sometimes it's important to articulate what everyone thinks but won't say.

Sometimes the person who has to speak because a thought has popped into their head sounds like an ego driven gasbag. So tiresome.

There is the power of silence. Sometimes keeping your counsel is important. For example, if your point is important and there's a lot of noise you might make a note, see if it's still important later and speak in private to the chair. This can be way more effective than randomly chipping into a discussion.

I completely agree. I always think these people think they are strong leaders, will say it how it is and can assert themselves to get things done.

I actually think the best leaders are those who listen, when they do speak they speak calmly and meaningfully and have understood the nuances in a situation.

Thanks all, I won't reply to each and every point but I am very polite and kind just rather direct and to the point. I have never considered to be offensive or say the wrong thing just very direct (not all the time though at home or work). I often think about what I am going to say to be honest but for example if my DH wore an awful shirt and asked for my opinion I wouldn't be diplomatic, I would just say it as it is. If at work we were discussing ideas for a new project I would be outspoken and if I didn't like the idea I would bluntly say I didn't think it was a good idea (and colleagues would look aghast). I think at work often people expect you to be the yes person and I simply can't do this if I disagree with what is being proposed.

If you can contain it at work, you know what you're saying isn't appropriate.

If at work we were discussing ideas for a new project I would be outspoken and if I didn't like the idea I would bluntly say I didn't think it was a good idea (and colleagues would look aghast).

Do you justify why you don't think it's the best idea and offer a better alternative?