Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considered very outspoken

99 replies

Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 07:15

I am not sure if I have posted in the right section but I wanted to see what the general consensus is around people who are outspoken?

Since my early 40's I have noticed I have become more and more outspoken and really do not seem to be able to filter anything that comes out 🤣. I try and contain it at work but occasionally it has ruffled a few feathers. My DH and DC are used to me now but friends often look aghast when I just can't seem to stop the words coming out. I read a good practice is to think about what you're going to say before allowing the words out but the moment to say something would have then passed and the opportunity to say something would be gone!

Not sure what I think will happen if I don't get my point across but I'm keen to hear if anyone else is the same or was the same and has successfully changed!

I am due to start a new position at work next week working more with our clients so I feel I need to work on this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 08:19

Oh my goodness, just reading some of the posts. I think I may have put across my concern incorrectly. I am absolutely never offensive, however, I have worked with and come across people in my personal life who are offensive and say offensive comments but are generally not outspoken. Perhaps I'm not outspoken just quite direct. I am just unsure why people speaking up for themselves seems such an issue?

OP posts:
DelurkingLawyer · 17/08/2023 08:20

Being diplomatic and not blunt is part of being polite. Nor is it kind to dismiss other people’s contributions/proposals out of hand because you don’t agree with them.

So although you see yourself as polite and kind I doubt others do.

Original poster
Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 08:21

Yes @GoodChat of course.I think simply at work they're used to people just doing as they're told and not having a voice.

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 17/08/2023 08:24

Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 08:19

Oh my goodness, just reading some of the posts. I think I may have put across my concern incorrectly. I am absolutely never offensive, however, I have worked with and come across people in my personal life who are offensive and say offensive comments but are generally not outspoken. Perhaps I'm not outspoken just quite direct. I am just unsure why people speaking up for themselves seems such an issue?

I don't think people speaking up for themselves is seen as an issue, no-one has said that here!
From what you've told us it's really unclear whether you're a 'gobshite' who shoots their mouth off at every opportunity, or, a brave voice of truth who shines a light on things that need saying (but doesn't ride roughshod over others).
They are really quite different things but both people might call themselves outspoken!

justanothermanicmonday1 · 17/08/2023 08:25

Surely this is a joke?

You're an adult and a mother and you cannot control the words that come out your mouth and you're now ruffling feathers? You do sound rude and you sound like you need to come down a peg or two.

Original poster
Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 08:26

@calmcoco , I often think that if I don't say what I think then I am not being honest with the person who is either asking for an opinion OR if I don't give an opinion then it could cause them harm (with pals for example, a friend discussed about taking some medication that I felt she should be cautious about)..these are very loose examples by the way.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 17/08/2023 08:26

Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 08:21

Yes @GoodChat of course.I think simply at work they're used to people just doing as they're told and not having a voice.

Could you consider putting a more inclusive spin on it?

"I'm not sure that would work due to X. Would a more efficient solution be Y? What do you think?"

LadyPenelope68 · 17/08/2023 08:27

Friends are 'aghast' and you have 'ruffled a few feathers' at work?
Sorry, but that comment just suggests you are not outspoken, just rude.

bunhead1979 · 17/08/2023 08:29

I think self awareness is key here. I am like this (because i’m autistic) but i have quite a senior role so i really have to be on it about this. I do say informally to my team “i know my communication style can be quite blunt so please talk to me about this if you think i’m out of line etc, i appreciate the feedback” and i’ve also learned to just shut up in a lot of situations. I always think “is what i have to say necessary or important”, often its not and i just want to chip in, but i don’t as much. I try to pause and imagine how it would feel to hear what i’m saying. Its been a long process for me but i used to accidentally offend or piss people off so its become important to me to work on this. It is possible to be open and direct with kindness.

LadyPenelope68 · 17/08/2023 08:29

Strangely enough, most people I know who would consider themselves “outspoken” are just down right rude and I think use the phrase “outspoken” as an excuse to get away with what they want.

calmcoco · 17/08/2023 08:30

Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 08:26

@calmcoco , I often think that if I don't say what I think then I am not being honest with the person who is either asking for an opinion OR if I don't give an opinion then it could cause them harm (with pals for example, a friend discussed about taking some medication that I felt she should be cautious about)..these are very loose examples by the way.

Was your mother or father 'honest'? I wonder where this responsibility comes from.

One can also be honest in a polite/kind/gentle way.

'I would be worried about X side effect and want a second opinion' is different to 'You'd be stupid to take those meds'.

calmcoco · 17/08/2023 08:32

I am just unsure why people speaking up for themselves seems such an issue? Are you new to Britain perhaps? Grin

PimpMyFridge · 17/08/2023 08:33

I had missed a later update, thread has moved on.
It sounds to me like you've dispensed with any oil for the social wheels and Jane arrived at the point where you think the fact of what you're thinking is the only thing that matters.
However, how you couch things does matter because it is not enough that the words are said, people need to feel respected and but in to what you're saying, otherwise you may as well be in the desert.
If you don't take into account anyone's point of view you will just put backs up, then your vital wisdom is in the bin already.
In your work example, it might be a bad idea, but it's someone's idea so just slamming it is forgetting that.
In a work meeting and a colleague slapped an idea down it spoils the team. If they critique the idea professionally it gets the point across but in a way that respects others.
The difference between 'well that's a bad idea' silence while everyone wonders if the person who thought of it is ok.
And 'i can see this idea is trying to achieve X but this factor here is an issue for me because Y and if we tweak like so we could improve on that' which is collaborative.

If you're doing the latter I think you're fine.
From your posts it sounds like you might be the former?

PimpMyFridge · 17/08/2023 08:34

Jane!
Have.

thecatsthecats · 17/08/2023 08:34

LadyPenelope68 · 17/08/2023 08:27

Friends are 'aghast' and you have 'ruffled a few feathers' at work?
Sorry, but that comment just suggests you are not outspoken, just rude.

Yes, plus the "coming across wrong" on this thread.

"Am I being rude when I do this?"
"Yes, it sounds like you could be coming across rudely."
"Gosh, no, I really don't think I do come across as rude, maybe I said it wrong"

... Well, there's your answer.

Wozzzzzaa · 17/08/2023 08:34

I know a self professed 'outspoken' person who prides themselves on their bluntness. In reality, they come across as rude, bullish and completely lacking in self awareness.

I think a lot of people who wear 'bluntness' as a badge are just using it as an excuse to be rude/cause a stir and get away with it, there is absolutely no need for it.

Original poster
Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 08:34

Sorry, yes I am also autistic. I just read my first post and missed this out. Significant point I think.
@calmcoco , yes I would never say 'you'd be stupid to take those meds' that would be rude but I would need to mention that I felt they should look into side effects etc of taking such medication first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 08:38

I am from Latvia originally so I also find it hard to articulate often what I want to say without it appearing rude. Thanking you for the comments.

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 17/08/2023 08:40

FrogSparkle · 17/08/2023 08:13

I completely agree. I always think these people think they are strong leaders, will say it how it is and can assert themselves to get things done.

I actually think the best leaders are those who listen, when they do speak they speak calmly and meaningfully and have understood the nuances in a situation.

Show quote history

I think strong leaders need to have both. There is a point at which decisions have to be made and you need to get the work done. Understanding the nuance is part of that but a lot of people start overthinking and digging holes. Nothing worse than a leader who keeps handwringing and is scared to make decisions.

OP it really depends, there is a time and a place for strong words and also tact/ diplomacy/ being nice. Rudeness isn’t a good trait in anyone. I think men probably think about this less than women, however.

PimpMyFridge · 17/08/2023 08:41

I think the most important thing to remember is that honesty is important, but honesty with no care for delivery is self defeating.

Honesty+diplomacy is ALWAYS better than honesty alone.
(Diplomacy is just the skill of remembering we're all just human, doing our best and being treated like your feelings exist and aren't forgotten helps us all be the best people we can be together).

If you want to not bother with the diplomacy part of communicating you'll need to accept that a good portion of people will switch off from your crucial truth because they find you abrasive.

SoupDragon · 17/08/2023 08:44

I am very polite and kind just rather direct and to the point. I have never considered to be offensive or say the wrong thing just very direct

Then why are your friends aghast at what you say? I don't think you're quite as kind and inoffensive as you think.

I completely understand that being autistic is going to make this more difficult though!

PimpMyFridge · 17/08/2023 08:45

Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 08:38

I am from Latvia originally so I also find it hard to articulate often what I want to say without it appearing rude. Thanking you for the comments.

Ah. Then you have the added complication that social conventions vary in different countries so therefore does the ways to be diplomatic.
The Latvians I know have a more blunt style, so some of your delivery would not land so hard as it might here.
Sounds like if you care about this you need to learn a few key things to help. Read up on effective positive communication etc. But from a source which is Brit based.

Teateaandmoretea · 17/08/2023 08:46

DelurkingLawyer · 17/08/2023 08:20

Being diplomatic and not blunt is part of being polite. Nor is it kind to dismiss other people’s contributions/proposals out of hand because you don’t agree with them.

So although you see yourself as polite and kind I doubt others do.

The contributions may not be ‘kind’ though. Particularly if they are not at the right point of a project and based on personal opinion rather than evidence.

N27 · 17/08/2023 08:47

I haven’t read all the posts but from your example regarding opinions I think the key for me would be whether they were asked for,

my mum gives her “opinion” very often when it is not asked for or required and I can’t tell you how much it upsets me it’s generally simple things like I say I’m going to get x and she’ll say well I think y is better. Or after a haircut she’ll say did you mean go have it like that?

Caprisunny · 17/08/2023 08:47

So it’s your autism and you can’t control but you only started doing in your 40s? Could it be that you have actually always been like that but it’s just increased? To the point it’s not unsociable?

There’s a fine line between being assertive and voicing your opinions and being rude. Could it be that you have slowly crossed the line?

Saying ‘you shouldn’t take medication you buy off the internet it could cause you harm’ isn’t going to leave people aghast or ruffle feathers.

So either that’s example is a really mild one and not what’s shocking people, your friends are extremely sensitive or you are being disingenuous and you know you say quite offensive things.