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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be considered very outspoken

99 replies

Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 07:15

I am not sure if I have posted in the right section but I wanted to see what the general consensus is around people who are outspoken?

Since my early 40's I have noticed I have become more and more outspoken and really do not seem to be able to filter anything that comes out 🤣. I try and contain it at work but occasionally it has ruffled a few feathers. My DH and DC are used to me now but friends often look aghast when I just can't seem to stop the words coming out. I read a good practice is to think about what you're going to say before allowing the words out but the moment to say something would have then passed and the opportunity to say something would be gone!

Not sure what I think will happen if I don't get my point across but I'm keen to hear if anyone else is the same or was the same and has successfully changed!

I am due to start a new position at work next week working more with our clients so I feel I need to work on this!

OP posts:
Summerrainagain1 · 17/08/2023 10:51

Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 08:14

Thanks all, I won't reply to each and every point but I am very polite and kind just rather direct and to the point. I have never considered to be offensive or say the wrong thing just very direct (not all the time though at home or work). I often think about what I am going to say to be honest but for example if my DH wore an awful shirt and asked for my opinion I wouldn't be diplomatic, I would just say it as it is. If at work we were discussing ideas for a new project I would be outspoken and if I didn't like the idea I would bluntly say I didn't think it was a good idea (and colleagues would look aghast). I think at work often people expect you to be the yes person and I simply can't do this if I disagree with what is being proposed.

Well, judging by people's reactions you aren't polite and kind.

GoodChat · 17/08/2023 10:52

Well, judging by people's reactions you aren't polite and kind.

Well judging by yours you aren't RTFT.

Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 10:52

@Summerrainagain1 🤣🤣 hilarious. Another keyboard warrior.

OP posts:
Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 10:54

Please, don't make judgement on someone's overall character by a few MN post. Very unfair and immature.

OP posts:
TooOldForThisNonsense · 17/08/2023 10:54

I am 50 and my IDGAFness ramped up a lot during my 40s. I do temper it for work but in my personal life I say what I like and couldn’t give 2 shits what people think. To be clear I don’t gratuitously make shitty or personal comments but if I have strong views on something that’s important to me I’ll air them. I quite like an argument/debate back tbh. If people are offended that’s their problem not mine. I’ve had enough of being nice just to make other people comfortable at my own expense

PimpMyFridge · 17/08/2023 10:54

Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 09:25

I think so too. I think I am at a chapter in my life where I am sick of listening to offensive comments/people being insensitive to others and me being expected to be used in some incidences as I help everyone, consider people's feelings and now I am just fed up with tolerating it. I think I have now started putting boundaries in my life, particularly in my personal life and people do not like it. I won't tolerate having to put up with toxic workplaces so I move on. Is this so bad? I have never been called rude nor have I ever caused offence. Plenty of people in my life are and have been offensive, said and done hurtful things but they are never as direct as me. I think this is them and not me. Sounds arrogant perhaps to say but these posts have given me the chance to reflect so thank you all.

From your later posts, you sound like you're doing just fine in a challenging environment!
Being lovely and honest only works if that's the culture you're in.
If everyone has got their sharp elbows out you'll just get pasted if you are the only reasonable kind one!
Sounds like you need some new people in your life like your previous workplace.

Summerrainagain1 · 17/08/2023 11:34

Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 10:52

@Summerrainagain1 🤣🤣 hilarious. Another keyboard warrior.

Err, I'm not being a keyboard warrior. Nor challenging who you are as a person. BUT if people are reacting to your "outspokeness" by being upset, and this is happening consistently then you are not being as kind in your delivery as you think you are. If I had presented something at work and someone bluntly went "Thanks Summerrainagain, I dont like it. Let's move on" I would be miffed too.

Perhaps rather than getting defensive on MN consider why people are reacting to you the way they are.

Teateaandmoretea · 17/08/2023 12:14

Summerrainagain1 · 17/08/2023 10:51

Well, judging by people's reactions you aren't polite and kind.

Neither are you 😂👍🏻

Freesideofcringe · 17/08/2023 12:20

I was like a bit like this for years. I didn’t say rude things, I just didn’t take crap. I was a burn my bridges kind of person so if hurt, I would say - that was hurtful. Or - that was unkind. Or if there was an injustice I’d say - that’s not right, this shouldn’t be happening.

People say they value honesty and feedback and transparency but my learning is that most would prefer you say nothing and slope off quietly, either ending the friendship or getting over it or letting them off the hook.

so I don’t bother saying what I feel now, it changes nothing. My life and people’s perception of me hasn’t changed though.

Freesideofcringe · 17/08/2023 12:25

Plus I have a friend who responds to unkind comments in a very passive aggressive way instead and tbh she has had far better results. So all I’ve seen is that horrible people blame the “outspoken” person for daring to speak up or question. While the manipulative behaviours are more in tune with the game and rewarded by social acceptance.

Teateaandmoretea · 17/08/2023 15:24

Freesideofcringe · 17/08/2023 12:25

Plus I have a friend who responds to unkind comments in a very passive aggressive way instead and tbh she has had far better results. So all I’ve seen is that horrible people blame the “outspoken” person for daring to speak up or question. While the manipulative behaviours are more in tune with the game and rewarded by social acceptance.

This completely ^

Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 17:27

@Teateaandmoretea I really don't think I would know how to be this kind of person. How do I learn to be manipulative or passive aggressive. I think i need to join this team

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 17/08/2023 17:33

Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 17:27

@Teateaandmoretea I really don't think I would know how to be this kind of person. How do I learn to be manipulative or passive aggressive. I think i need to join this team

Please don’t, it’s not the right way. Fight for honesty and decency, and if people don’t like it they are the problem.

It sounds to me like you are working with some unpleasant people and they are scapegoating you. The only option imo is to rise above them and keep modelling decency.

Paperbagsaremine · 17/08/2023 18:04

OP when I started work, I had the social skills of a carrot, so have had to have more productive styles of communication dinned in to me over the years.

Presumably you are not opening your gob just to be heard - if you have, stop doing that, as you're wasting everyone's time, including your own.

Think first what you want to achieve. Then think, why? How did you eliminate other possibilities, why do you think this goal is a good thing? What benefits will come out of it?

Then let others have their say. This is a tip I got from a Steve Peters (eminent sports psychologist) book - people will listen to you much more happily if they have had their say and they feel you actually listened to them.

Bear in mind others come to the table with different knowledge and experience. What may seem obvious to you won't to them; and they may know useful stuff you weren't even aware existed.

Then you have to understand that we are all mammals. We have feelings, we work in groups, and they rely on a network of trust and reciprocity.

So when you put all that into action, to clearly and effectively communicate - you can still be direct, but it comes out very differently.

Instead of rushing to shout, "No, that's stupid" and expecting people (who may not know you or have reason to trust you blindly) to just go along with it...
You listen. You take in. And when your turn comes, or when it's clear you need to speak, THEN...

"I can see we need to get X done and people are leaning towards Y"

(demonstrate you paid attention and share the common goal)

"I have a different take. In my experience"

(you may have to be specific, eg mention previous projects)

"blah blah. I am also aware that"

(fact you know, and think is important, but nobody has brought up)

"and putting that all together, I have real concerns that Y is risky. Because "

(insert facts in favour of your favoured route)

"I think it would be safer to do Z. Is there anything I've overlooked though?"

(Shows humility and willingness to discuss with others).

Someone really good at their job knows how to put their case well so that TWO things can happen.
One, that the pros are clear to all. Two, that potential cons can be spotted and discussed without rancor.

It's a bit of a wall of text above, I know. But I really needed to have it all spelled out to me in detail (poorly socialized child, slightly odd family). And maybe you do too.

Helphusbandmessedup · 17/08/2023 18:33

Hi if you haven’t done a professional insights profile I’d recommend one. It analyses your personality and working style, highlighting great things about your character and Ararat where you may be perceived wrong and how you can be more aware.

it’s also known that Eastern Europeans are more direct than other countries, there are a lot of courses on linked in about global working styles/traits. I know this as I’ve inherited a directness from my half polish mother 🙈 taken me years to be more aware of it and how others may perceive it.

Helphusbandmessedup · 17/08/2023 18:33

*areas

InsomniacsWife · 17/08/2023 18:38

My mother in law prides herself on being outspoken she'll happily declare "you know me, I say it as I see it, I tell it how it is"

Translated into normal adult English as "you know me, I'm really rude, I don't make much effort to moderate what I say, I just open my mouth and let it all out"

Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 19:40

I love these comments, thank you @Teateaandmoretea , you're right, truly you are. I really am an honest and decent person and rising above it is the right thing to do. Really appreciate your input @Paperbagsaremine I think in my job at the moment I like to communicate because this is something that is poorly done in my opinion, so in their opinion I may just talk for the sake of it but I feel communicating about upcoming work, keeping others aware of issues etc. isn't about me wanting to be heard (I know you're not insinuating that). You've made some really good points in your post and I will have l.
@Helphusbandmessedup I will have a look at professional insights profile, I assume this is something I can find online? thank you.

@InsomniacsWife , haha I have a mother in law just the same and she is completely just rude. I tolerate her now but really found her rudeness to say and behave offensively quite difficult for many years, it just isn't how I was raised.

OP posts:
Helphusbandmessedup · 17/08/2023 19:50

@Tealdownunder try this link: https://www.insights.com/products/insights-discovery/

you can get mini ones done about £79 I believe we used to do them to prescreen potential candidates at second stage interview to see how they’d fit in the existing team.

very interesting but it’s based on walt Disney’s theory you need every colour red/blue/green/yellow to build the strongest most dynamic team. You sound strong red (as am I) maybe you’re surrounded by lots of blues who don’t get your energy 😂 may just be a case of channeling better and being more self aware. Hope it helps xx

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LuvSmallDogs · 17/08/2023 20:10

My mum and dad reckon I'm outspoken, but if I am I get it from them, I swear!

I had a stay in hospital recently, and read my notes that got transferred to the ward with me. A nurse said "Oh, you're being nosey!" and I said "No I'm not, because it's all been written about me, maybe you're being nosey when you read it as it's not about you?" My mum was all "omg you can't say that!"

I don't like people talking to me as if I'm a child or as though I'm unreasonable for wanting to know about my own body, and unfortunately I've encountered both from medical staff.

Teateaandmoretea · 17/08/2023 20:16

InsomniacsWife · 17/08/2023 18:38

My mother in law prides herself on being outspoken she'll happily declare "you know me, I say it as I see it, I tell it how it is"

Translated into normal adult English as "you know me, I'm really rude, I don't make much effort to moderate what I say, I just open my mouth and let it all out"

no one normal would ever say that.

interestingly I find my mother in law rude, but she’s the insidious passive-aggressive rude.

FedUpMumof10YO · 17/08/2023 20:16

FedUpMumof10YO · 17/08/2023 20:17

This.

To be considered very outspoken
Tealdownunder · 17/08/2023 21:29

You're all fabulous thank you for even more insight and thanks @Helphusbandmessedup I am going to have a look at this. Self awareness is good and I do think I am pretty self aware but always room for improvement. I am a good, nice person I just want others to get the best of me and that means communicating and interacting well.

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