To feel disappointed my friends silence ,

[Glitterball23]

Hi everyone . Wanted to get some perspective on feeling hurt and disappointed by two of my closest friends
I’m new here so apologies for the long post

I had surgery on both feet last week . So am off my feet for 2-3 weeks . I have known CM and Anna for 10years . In the past both have been very good and supportive when I have gone through tough times . I have also been there for them . We are part of a friend group ( 6 of us) . I am much closer to CM and Anna than the others in the group . We all met around the same time and some I introduced to the group

Everyone in that friend group knew when I was having surgery. Both CM and Anna knew how scared I was about the surgery . I have heard nothing from them since end of July. No good luck messages , no checking in to see how I am .

Both CM and Anna have gone through foot surgery so they know how hard the recovery is .

I just feel let down and hurt that I didn’t even get a text . I have other friends reach out to me . I’m beginning to think I should distance myself from them both for a while as I feel too angry . Nobody in that friend group had reached out to me at all

I don’t particularly want to initiate contact with either of them for now . What do you think ? Unsure how to handle this and I definitely don’t want to text them or phone them .

Nobody else in that friend group contacted me either . When one of their daughters was having surgery, everyone texted wishing her good luck , but I got nothing.

There has been a few other times in that friend group where I felt completely unseen and hurt . Tried to arrange birthday drinks , sent a message in the group chat asking who was free for dinner / drinks on x date. No one responded. A few minutes later someone else in the group (S ) messaged arranging a birthday dinner for Anna .Everyone replied saying they would go to Anna’s birthday dinner . Anna’s birthday dinner was arranged for a few days after my birthday .
My message about arranging my birthday was completely ignored . I have muted the WhatsApp group but am so hurt and angry I feel like completely distancing myself from the group too
I am particularly hurt about CM and Anna as I consider them my closest friends . They have been very good to me before , so just need some outside perspective from you guys . Am I being overly sensitive , needy ? Not sure how to handle the situation.

That is bound to feel horrible, OP. It does sound like quite a pattern. I certainly wouldn't contact them again. Afraid it's the old chestnut of joining new activities and meeting new people, once your health allows you to.

I wouldn't expect my friends to remember the date of my forthcoming 'foot surgery' and send me messages of support, unless we were already having a conversation about it (eg I'd sent them a message saying 'Had my surgery! Can't wait to go home' or something, to which I hope I'd get a reply like 'Glad it went OK - get well soon'). I mean, it's not life-threatening stuff, is it? People have lots of mates in their lives and I don't think many people mark the date of their friends' routine surgeries on their calendars. Of course it's a big deal to you, but there's no really reason why it would seem particularly significant to your friends.

However, if they also ignored your suggestion to celebrate your birthday but then immediately arranged to celebrate Anna's, it really sounds like they aren't your closest friends at all, really.

Anna is having a milestone birthday bash in a few months in Europe . I’m going to that . Have got flights and accommodation booked already . S arranged a birthday dinner as she and 3 others in the group can’t make her big birthday bash . That dinner is in a few weeks

I saw them all in July , had surgery a week ago , not sure what to do. I am aware I am angry so probably wouldn’t be the best to get in touch as I am too angry and hurt

These people are not your friends. How cruel of them.

I get it OP.
Possibly they forgot (but yes I would hope that a friend would a surgery and when) but some people do forget when it is.
Or could just be too flaky which is no good...
But I would feel the same as you

They don't sound like very good friends.

I would step away from them. X

Thanks for replying . Yes I do have a lot of other friends luckily. I would have considered Anna and CM my closest friends

To be honest with you- it is only foot surgery. I would probably forget my own family having foot surgery, isn't exactly a big deal
Think the birthday stuff is a bigger deal but maybe it is because the other birthday is a big milestone birthday and your birthday isn't? I don't tend to do anything for normal birthdays

I’d have stepped away after the birthday thing. It doesn’t sound like they are arsed.

They are not your friends

It hurts but you’re they don’t care about you as much as you care about them. You either accept that and remain friends with them albeit taken a few steps back or else you draw a line under it and wash your hands of the cold hearted selfish people in your life

Only foot surgery????

I'm not sure re the surgery. Do you have a partner, older kids or other family around? I'd assume my friends would have support for that kind of thing from their family (although I did visit my closest friend when she was in hospital after surgery a few years back but I wasn't in constant contact over that period).

However if a friend group ignored my suggestion of a birthday get together, or any social event really, I'd be mortified.

yes surgery on both feet . Painful but am managing . It’s not exactly like removing an ingrown toenail . Nor is it a routine operation with a day or so recovery . I probably should have been clearer when explaining that . I’ll be off my feet ( no walking , driving ) for a few weeks . That friend group were aware of this

Currently Im thinking of taking a step back while I recover , I can’t leave the house anyway

Both CM and Anna knew how scared I was about the surgery

They both knew and knew you were scared. They don't view your friendship the way you do. It hurts, but luckily, as I tell myself, you've found out now rather than in an even worse situation.

I recently had emergency surgery. I have PTSD from being sexually assaulted in hospital in the past. I was supposed to meet my very (or so I thought) close friend two days after the surgery so messaged her after the surgery to cancel, and told her why. She knows my past and the details of how hospitals are now difficult for me. She told me to let her know when I was able to move around again and ready to go for a coffee. That was a few months ago now and she still hasn't even messaged to ask how I am.

Sometimes silence speaks very clearly.

Yes your friends, like mine, have their own lives, but we're not mind readers any more than they are and they know we had surgery.

A recategorisation of how close these friends are will not hurt.

Yeah? I don't get the big deal, I probably wouldn't even bother telling people unless I had prior arrangements I had to cancel. I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to check on me, just seems a bit dramatic

They're not your friends

Even for an acquaintance if I got an invite I would at the very least reply even if I couldn't make the date. They can't even give you that respect.

Sod them. I wouldn't go to the big birthday either.

Sorry. Hope you're feeling better after the surgery

I have a relative staying with me for 2 weeks while I’m off my feet .
Both CM and Anna offered help when I saw them in July . I’m aware my emotions are all over the place and I’m extra sensitive right now , I don’t want to reach out as I think I need time to get some perspective as I don’t want to say/do anything I might later regret

I really only care about CM and Anna to be honest , the rest I am quite happy to distance myself from

1. They don't really like you.

1. They don't want to acknowledge you being off your feet in case they get asked to help, which they don't want to do dow whatever reason.

1. Find new friends when you're back on your feet.

Thank you for replying. I am so sorry to hear about your emergency surgery . That must have been very difficult .

I think you are right . I will reevaluate my friendships and the effort I put in