Page 2 | To feel disappointed my friends silence ,

pictoosh · 16/08/2023 17:37

Tbh I probably wouldn't check in on a friend if she had foot surgery. I'd quite likely forget about it. Not because I don't care but because I'm busy and just can't be everything to everyone. I also grew up with a disabled mum who had a lot of surgery throughout my childhood and teens and in a sense it became run of the mill. My mum was very stoic and didn't want fuss.
It's not something that occurs to me to chase up.
I'd ask in person of course.

Pinkdelight3 · 16/08/2023 17:40

I would initiate contact if I wanted contact. Some people are more the initiators in some relationships. If they're happy with that, it works. But if you're waiting on them getting in touch and holding out from contacting them until they do, that's not going to work. This is the level of friendship they give and if it's not enough for you, then withdraw. As with some others, I don't expect friends to get in touch with messages of support for those things - some would but I think it's more something my mum would do, whereas friends are busy with their own lives and we talk it over when we meet, as you'd obviously talked about the surgery with them already. If they've had surgery too, I wouldn't think twice about messaging them and updating them on how it went without them needing to ask. But you know them best, so if it's upsetting you and you can't talk to them about it, you've no real option but to keep your distance.

Maxaluna · 16/08/2023 17:44

Are you sure that you want to go on the trip? It seems a bit unbalanced that they didn't respond to your message about your birthday, and you're putting in so much effort for this one.

StoatofDisarray · 16/08/2023 17:47

You say that they offered to help when you saw them in July. How did you reply to that?

Adhdandme1 · 16/08/2023 17:49

Glitterball23 · 16/08/2023 16:24

Hi everyone . Wanted to get some perspective on feeling hurt and disappointed by two of my closest friends
I’m new here so apologies for the long post

I had surgery on both feet last week . So am off my feet for 2-3 weeks . I have known CM and Anna for 10years . In the past both have been very good and supportive when I have gone through tough times . I have also been there for them . We are part of a friend group ( 6 of us) . I am much closer to CM and Anna than the others in the group . We all met around the same time and some I introduced to the group

Everyone in that friend group knew when I was having surgery. Both CM and Anna knew how scared I was about the surgery . I have heard nothing from them since end of July. No good luck messages , no checking in to see how I am .

Both CM and Anna have gone through foot surgery so they know how hard the recovery is .

I just feel let down and hurt that I didn’t even get a text . I have other friends reach out to me . I’m beginning to think I should distance myself from them both for a while as I feel too angry . Nobody in that friend group had reached out to me at all

I don’t particularly want to initiate contact with either of them for now . What do you think ? Unsure how to handle this and I definitely don’t want to text them or phone them .

Nobody else in that friend group contacted me either . When one of their daughters was having surgery, everyone texted wishing her good luck , but I got nothing.

There has been a few other times in that friend group where I felt completely unseen and hurt . Tried to arrange birthday drinks , sent a message in the group chat asking who was free for dinner / drinks on x date. No one responded. A few minutes later someone else in the group (S ) messaged arranging a birthday dinner for Anna .Everyone replied saying they would go to Anna’s birthday dinner . Anna’s birthday dinner was arranged for a few days after my birthday .
My message about arranging my birthday was completely ignored . I have muted the WhatsApp group but am so hurt and angry I feel like completely distancing myself from the group too
I am particularly hurt about CM and Anna as I consider them my closest friends . They have been very good to me before , so just need some outside perspective from you guys . Am I being overly sensitive , needy ? Not sure how to handle the situation.

That is hurtful. I wouldn’t be able to cope with that level of blatant rejection at all so I do feel for you.
I tend to just meet up with friends 1:1 because I feel more at ease when not in big groups.
Women can be so harsh when they’re in a group, they decide who will be left out a have a mob mentality. I’d suggest just leaving the group secretly and start the slow but worthwhile process of building a new tribe brick by brick.

Pinkdelight3 · 16/08/2023 17:54

They've been lovely in the past, you saw them in July (when they offered help) and are going away for a break with them and you have lots of other friends and a relative staying with you to help while you recover. It does sound like you're stewing on this and a few other instances, like it's a test of your whole friendship. Could it just be that you're feeling extra sensitive from the surgery and being stuck at home? I get their silence (forgetting about the surgery?) isn't best friend behaviour, and maybe you do see them as closer than they see you, but it's a bit odd to be so angry about it rather than messaging them.

Americano75 · 16/08/2023 17:55

They're not worth your time or effort. Can you get your money back for the trip and treat yourself to something nice?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/08/2023 18:03

. I’m aware my emotions are all over the place and I’m extra sensitive right now , I don’t want to reach out as I think I need time to get some perspective as I don’t want to say/do anything I might later regret

Definitely leave it a week or two, until you feel calmer.

They did offer to help you, but presumably, you said you had a relative helping, perhaps they think you will be in touch when you are ready.

You don't and you won't really know what's going on until you speak to them again, but only when you are ready.

And I would let them know how you felt when people ignored your birthday message and arranged someone else's birthday meal shortly after.

I think dwelling on this at the moment is not doing you any good. And trying to work out what people are thinking can send one into a pit.
Focus on the friends you are sure about and distract yourself as much as possible, films, books, plans for when you are better etc.. and just concentrate on your recovery, until you hear from them or feel like contacting them again. Personally I would let them sweat.

Original poster

Glitterball23 · 16/08/2023 19:16

Adhdandme1 · 16/08/2023 17:49

That is hurtful. I wouldn’t be able to cope with that level of blatant rejection at all so I do feel for you.
I tend to just meet up with friends 1:1 because I feel more at ease when not in big groups.
Women can be so harsh when they’re in a group, they decide who will be left out a have a mob mentality. I’d suggest just leaving the group secretly and start the slow but worthwhile process of building a new tribe brick by brick.

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With Anna and CM,I would meet them 1:1 separately. The group as a whole would meet in person every 4 months or so

I’ve muted the group WhatsApp for now

I’ve already paid for my flights and accommodation abroad .

OP posts:

Original poster

Glitterball23 · 16/08/2023 19:18

Americano75 · 16/08/2023 17:55

They're not worth your time or effort. Can you get your money back for the trip and treat yourself to something nice?

No flight is non refundable . I added on a solo trip for a few days before the birthday

OP posts:

Original poster

Glitterball23 · 16/08/2023 19:19

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/08/2023 18:03

. I’m aware my emotions are all over the place and I’m extra sensitive right now , I don’t want to reach out as I think I need time to get some perspective as I don’t want to say/do anything I might later regret

Definitely leave it a week or two, until you feel calmer.

They did offer to help you, but presumably, you said you had a relative helping, perhaps they think you will be in touch when you are ready.

You don't and you won't really know what's going on until you speak to them again, but only when you are ready.

And I would let them know how you felt when people ignored your birthday message and arranged someone else's birthday meal shortly after.

I think dwelling on this at the moment is not doing you any good. And trying to work out what people are thinking can send one into a pit.
Focus on the friends you are sure about and distract yourself as much as possible, films, books, plans for when you are better etc.. and just concentrate on your recovery, until you hear from them or feel like contacting them again. Personally I would let them sweat.

Thank you

I have loads of lovely plans with other friends in September to look forward to . I know I am stewing on it a bit

OP posts:

Savagepuma · 16/08/2023 19:22

From my own perspective - my friends are very important and precious to me, so I would remember foot surgery and everything else they told me.
If they didn't bother, they may not value your friendship much or at all.
Good friends don't ignore messages, but by their behaviour is very easy to understand if they care or not.

LadyEloise1 · 16/08/2023 20:03

drpet49 · 16/08/2023 17:02

These people are not your friends. How cruel of them.

I agree.
Particularly arranging Anna's birthday and ignoring OP's posting about hers. Who does that !!!

EarringsandLipstick · 16/08/2023 22:12

OP you are neither over-sensitive or needy

I think you are wise to do nothing for now.

Once you are better, stop contacting these women, and look for new friendship opportunities.

Friends not even as much as checking in when you've had surgery & are immobile is really crap. I'm amazed at the PP minimising this.

I hope you recover well. Sorry this has happened. 💐

purpleme12 · 16/08/2023 22:25

EarringsandLipstick · 16/08/2023 22:12

OP you are neither over-sensitive or needy

I think you are wise to do nothing for now.

Once you are better, stop contacting these women, and look for new friendship opportunities.

Friends not even as much as checking in when you've had surgery & are immobile is really crap. I'm amazed at the PP minimising this.

I hope you recover well. Sorry this has happened. 💐

Really surprised at some of the comments on here as well

Americano75 · 16/08/2023 22:46

Glitterball23 · 16/08/2023 19:18

No flight is non refundable . I added on a solo trip for a few days before the birthday

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Pity. Like the sound of the solo part though!

WandaWonder · 16/08/2023 22:48

Having friends is not meant to be this stressful

Olive19741205 · 16/08/2023 22:57

Universitynewbie · 16/08/2023 17:27

Yeah? I don't get the big deal, I probably wouldn't even bother telling people unless I had prior arrangements I had to cancel. I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to check on me, just seems a bit dramatic

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So if your friend had foot surgery and couldn't walk/get about for a few weeks, would you not check in with them, see if they need anything dropped off at home?

GiddyUpH · 16/08/2023 23:05

Adhdandme1 · 16/08/2023 17:49

That is hurtful. I wouldn’t be able to cope with that level of blatant rejection at all so I do feel for you.
I tend to just meet up with friends 1:1 because I feel more at ease when not in big groups.
Women can be so harsh when they’re in a group, they decide who will be left out a have a mob mentality. I’d suggest just leaving the group secretly and start the slow but worthwhile process of building a new tribe brick by brick.

Show quote history

How do you leave a group secretly? Asking for a friend ;-)

Azandme · 16/08/2023 23:06

Olive19741205 · 16/08/2023 22:57

So if your friend had foot surgery and couldn't walk/get about for a few weeks, would you not check in with them, see if they need anything dropped off at home?

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They offered help, which the op didn't take them up on, and they know she has a relative staying to help too.

I think OP made it clear she didn't need help, and in ghat situation people wouldn't necessarily offer twice.

EmilyBrontesGhost · 16/08/2023 23:13

Universitynewbie · 16/08/2023 17:27

Yeah? I don't get the big deal, I probably wouldn't even bother telling people unless I had prior arrangements I had to cancel. I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to check on me, just seems a bit dramatic

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Can't walk or drive, or get to the supermarket for food.

YES it's a big deal.

I would expect friends to rally around and MAKE SURE I HAD FOOD.

jazzybelle · 16/08/2023 23:14

None of them have been in touch? That's very odd. This is like one of those threads where someone has a party and says no one turned up.

When I went into hospital, my friends bothered about me and vice versa. Even when my friend's DH went in for an op, I made sure I contacted her. At times like this, people need their friends. It's not much effort to send a card, telephone, text or email someone.

EmilyBrontesGhost · 16/08/2023 23:15

EarringsandLipstick · 16/08/2023 22:12

OP you are neither over-sensitive or needy

I think you are wise to do nothing for now.

Once you are better, stop contacting these women, and look for new friendship opportunities.

Friends not even as much as checking in when you've had surgery & are immobile is really crap. I'm amazed at the PP minimising this.

I hope you recover well. Sorry this has happened. 💐

Exactly this,

OP these people are not your friends.

I'm so sorry x

GardeningIdiot · 16/08/2023 23:31

They offered help, which the op didn't take them up on, and they know she has a relative staying to help too.

I think OP made it clear she didn't need help, and in ghat situation people wouldn't necessarily offer twice.

OP hasn't said any of this, @Azandme.

GardeningIdiot · 16/08/2023 23:31

Apart from "they offered help".