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Original poster

To feel disappointed my friends silence ,

100 replies

Glitterball23 · 16/08/2023 16:24

Hi everyone . Wanted to get some perspective on feeling hurt and disappointed by two of my closest friends
I’m new here so apologies for the long post

I had surgery on both feet last week . So am off my feet for 2-3 weeks . I have known CM and Anna for 10years . In the past both have been very good and supportive when I have gone through tough times . I have also been there for them . We are part of a friend group ( 6 of us) . I am much closer to CM and Anna than the others in the group . We all met around the same time and some I introduced to the group

Everyone in that friend group knew when I was having surgery. Both CM and Anna knew how scared I was about the surgery . I have heard nothing from them since end of July. No good luck messages , no checking in to see how I am .

Both CM and Anna have gone through foot surgery so they know how hard the recovery is .

I just feel let down and hurt that I didn’t even get a text . I have other friends reach out to me . I’m beginning to think I should distance myself from them both for a while as I feel too angry . Nobody in that friend group had reached out to me at all

I don’t particularly want to initiate contact with either of them for now . What do you think ? Unsure how to handle this and I definitely don’t want to text them or phone them .

Nobody else in that friend group contacted me either . When one of their daughters was having surgery, everyone texted wishing her good luck , but I got nothing.

There has been a few other times in that friend group where I felt completely unseen and hurt . Tried to arrange birthday drinks , sent a message in the group chat asking who was free for dinner / drinks on x date. No one responded. A few minutes later someone else in the group (S ) messaged arranging a birthday dinner for Anna .Everyone replied saying they would go to Anna’s birthday dinner . Anna’s birthday dinner was arranged for a few days after my birthday .
My message about arranging my birthday was completely ignored . I have muted the WhatsApp group but am so hurt and angry I feel like completely distancing myself from the group too
I am particularly hurt about CM and Anna as I consider them my closest friends . They have been very good to me before , so just need some outside perspective from you guys . Am I being overly sensitive , needy ? Not sure how to handle the situation.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 17/08/2023 09:37

The birthday drinks thing is pretty shocking. That’s enough to take a huge step back regardless of your op.

Get well soon @Glitterball23

Murrain · 17/08/2023 09:43

Offyoupoplove · 17/08/2023 09:31

Gently, you are sort posing this as a test then and wondering why they failed. Of course ideally people remember you had an operation on this day but my absolute best, would drive across the country for me (and have!) friends have forgotten big dates. It’s normal. We have to do our part in friendship of communicating. Please tell them you’ve had the operation. I imagine they’d be confused and suprised that your suffering in silence for no particular reason.

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I agree.

Fiddleyflop · 17/08/2023 09:44

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Pinkdelight3 · 17/08/2023 10:04

I did get some lovely best of luck messages from other friends ( not the ones in the group I’m talking about )

I think that should be enough really, I wouldn't expect many friends to be wishing me luck for an op like this and then dwelling on the ones who didn't. It's like how a really random mix of people send happy new year messages and it's not related to who's really a great friend overall. If they're good in some ways and not in others, and you've clearly got a big bunch of friends, I'd give it less headspace and focus on the good stuff.

Fiddleyflop · 17/08/2023 10:16

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RoadSignFool · 17/08/2023 10:24

Both CM and Anna have gone through foot surgery so they know how hard the recovery is .

How weird. Did you all meet when you were professional ballerinas or something?

Fiddleyflop · 17/08/2023 10:31

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Upandonward · 17/08/2023 11:34

You need to concentrate other friendships and let these ones slide away. Some interesting responses from posters who decide themselves whether to offer support to a friend based on whether they think a friend’s injury/operation warrants their time and support 🤔

I had planned spinal surgery, which all my friends knew about, and absolutely no one checked in on me, visited, text, nothing. I was off work for two months, had physical restrictions for 6 months following the surgery (ie no lifting more than 2kg, couldn’t vacuum, bend etc), and full recovery would be a year. I had no family nearby either and I struggled massively both with day to day activities and emotionally having no one for even just a little bit of support. It was a shit time and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

A few years later a newish friend had an accident resulting in a severe ankle injury that required surgery, was seriously painful and 6 months off work. I went out of my way to offer and give support because I knew how it felt to be left alone (she was in a flatshare and had no family in the country).

Original poster
Glitterball23 · 17/08/2023 12:32

My birthday is in a few weeks . Haven’t arranged anything concrete yet

OP posts:
Original poster
Glitterball23 · 17/08/2023 12:33

RoadSignFool · 17/08/2023 10:24

Both CM and Anna have gone through foot surgery so they know how hard the recovery is .

How weird. Did you all meet when you were professional ballerinas or something?

Ha ! You’re not far wrong. Yes we all did ballet

OP posts:
Original poster
Glitterball23 · 17/08/2023 12:35

Upandonward · 17/08/2023 11:34

You need to concentrate other friendships and let these ones slide away. Some interesting responses from posters who decide themselves whether to offer support to a friend based on whether they think a friend’s injury/operation warrants their time and support 🤔

I had planned spinal surgery, which all my friends knew about, and absolutely no one checked in on me, visited, text, nothing. I was off work for two months, had physical restrictions for 6 months following the surgery (ie no lifting more than 2kg, couldn’t vacuum, bend etc), and full recovery would be a year. I had no family nearby either and I struggled massively both with day to day activities and emotionally having no one for even just a little bit of support. It was a shit time and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

A few years later a newish friend had an accident resulting in a severe ankle injury that required surgery, was seriously painful and 6 months off work. I went out of my way to offer and give support because I knew how it felt to be left alone (she was in a flatshare and had no family in the country).

I’m so sorry that happened to you. You are especially vulnerable emotionally and physically after a surgery . You sound like a kind and empathetic friend

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Original poster
Glitterball23 · 17/08/2023 12:37

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Yes some have offered to come visit if I need the company

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Fiddleyflop · 17/08/2023 14:13

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Helpmepleaseimbusy · 17/08/2023 14:26

I wouldn't even go to the dinner or the holiday if I could get a refund

CherryMaDeara · 17/08/2023 14:30

I don't know anyone who's had foot surgery. What are the chances that all three of you have had foot surgery!

Are you all barefooted Hobbits?

Fiddleyflop · 17/08/2023 15:25

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Twazique · 17/08/2023 17:06

Could you move the flights and go at a different time?

Original poster
Glitterball23 · 17/08/2023 17:23

Twazique · 17/08/2023 17:06

Could you move the flights and go at a different time?

It would cost me €100 to change flights. I have solo holiday and accommodation booked before the birthday

OP posts:
septicsmeg · 17/08/2023 17:26

I was in HDU in hospital. Who I thought was a close friend hasn't bothered since.
I tried to arrange to catch up all sorts of excuses.
I've cut them off. Life is too short for people who don't value you as you did them. It hurts I can't lie

OriginalUsername2 · 17/08/2023 17:39

I wouldn’t be part of a group that all ignored one members’ birthday and then blatantly oohed and she’d over the next one, wether that be me or another member. That just shows they’re not very nice people.

Simply fade out and do something new to move on and pick yourself up, because a group exclusion does hurt.

My school group was like that and even meeting up with them as adults they were still the same. I had hoped to bond with them again but in the midst of a meet-up realised I was better off out of it.

HelloSquire · 17/08/2023 17:48

I think you're are well out of it @Glitterball23 , ignoring your birthday is enough on its own

Original poster
Glitterball23 · 21/08/2023 00:13

Update : CM messaged me asking what the date of the surgery was . I told her it was a few weeks ago . She phoned me apologising as she thought she had put the date in her calendar .

She asked if I needed food etc . Turns out she hasn’t been well herself over the last few weeks

OP posts:
Jumpingthruhoops · 21/08/2023 00:23

PostOpOp · 16/08/2023 17:26

Both CM and Anna knew how scared I was about the surgery

They both knew and knew you were scared. They don't view your friendship the way you do. It hurts, but luckily, as I tell myself, you've found out now rather than in an even worse situation.

I recently had emergency surgery. I have PTSD from being sexually assaulted in hospital in the past. I was supposed to meet my very (or so I thought) close friend two days after the surgery so messaged her after the surgery to cancel, and told her why. She knows my past and the details of how hospitals are now difficult for me. She told me to let her know when I was able to move around again and ready to go for a coffee. That was a few months ago now and she still hasn't even messaged to ask how I am.

Sometimes silence speaks very clearly.

Yes your friends, like mine, have their own lives, but we're not mind readers any more than they are and they know we had surgery.

A recategorisation of how close these friends are will not hurt.

'Sometimes silence speaks very clearly'.

This! Or as I like to say: 'No response is a response'

LadyEloise1 · 21/08/2023 07:22

It's nice CM messaged you @Glitterball23.
Could she be a Mumsnetter and saw this thread ?

Original poster
Glitterball23 · 21/08/2023 08:26

LadyEloise1 · 21/08/2023 07:22

It's nice CM messaged you @Glitterball23.
Could she be a Mumsnetter and saw this thread ?

No she has never mentioned mumsnet to me before so it’s unlikely

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