To feel disappointed my friends silence ,

[Glitterball23]

Hi everyone . Wanted to get some perspective on feeling hurt and disappointed by two of my closest friends
I’m new here so apologies for the long post

I had surgery on both feet last week . So am off my feet for 2-3 weeks . I have known CM and Anna for 10years . In the past both have been very good and supportive when I have gone through tough times . I have also been there for them . We are part of a friend group ( 6 of us) . I am much closer to CM and Anna than the others in the group . We all met around the same time and some I introduced to the group

Everyone in that friend group knew when I was having surgery. Both CM and Anna knew how scared I was about the surgery . I have heard nothing from them since end of July. No good luck messages , no checking in to see how I am .

Both CM and Anna have gone through foot surgery so they know how hard the recovery is .

I just feel let down and hurt that I didn’t even get a text . I have other friends reach out to me . I’m beginning to think I should distance myself from them both for a while as I feel too angry . Nobody in that friend group had reached out to me at all

I don’t particularly want to initiate contact with either of them for now . What do you think ? Unsure how to handle this and I definitely don’t want to text them or phone them .

Nobody else in that friend group contacted me either . When one of their daughters was having surgery, everyone texted wishing her good luck , but I got nothing.

There has been a few other times in that friend group where I felt completely unseen and hurt . Tried to arrange birthday drinks , sent a message in the group chat asking who was free for dinner / drinks on x date. No one responded. A few minutes later someone else in the group (S ) messaged arranging a birthday dinner for Anna .Everyone replied saying they would go to Anna’s birthday dinner . Anna’s birthday dinner was arranged for a few days after my birthday .
My message about arranging my birthday was completely ignored . I have muted the WhatsApp group but am so hurt and angry I feel like completely distancing myself from the group too
I am particularly hurt about CM and Anna as I consider them my closest friends . They have been very good to me before , so just need some outside perspective from you guys . Am I being overly sensitive , needy ? Not sure how to handle the situation.

I would. And so did they. They offered to help in July (which is a couple of weeks ago). Perhaps the OP's response made them think she didn't want anyone fussing?

I had foot surgery which meant that I couldn't put my foot on the ground at all for 3 months. The last thing I wanted was people fussing. Friends offered help. I said no to most offers and that was accepted as what I wanted.

Maybe they have a different version of this? Doesn't mean the OP is telling the truth, but maybe they felt they weren't wanted and backed off.

I’d like to know what too 🤣

I think this is a balanced response.

Obviously, OP, you know what you need from your friendships. It sounds to me as if you’re under-communicating and over-reacting, especially if you didn’t remind your friends just before the surgery, but you’re the best judge of that.

Cruel? I think that's a bit OTT. OP views Anna and CM as good friends because she's known then 10 years. I'd guess they view her as just one person in the group who they don't mind but aren't particularly close to. If someone on the periphery was messaging the group I'd be reluctant to be the first person to reply in case further messages were then aimed at me because I was the only one 'listening'.
I don't think they've necessarily done anything 'bad'. They just dont want to get dumped with running errands or keeping OP company. It doesn't mean they dislike her, it just means ghey don't like her as much as she thought she did.
Still, I can see this realisation would hurt, particularly if these are you main or only friends and you have no-one else like partner or adult children, siblings etc.

No I said I to them both I prefer to be checked in on and contacted when I’m laid up .
CM asked how long my relative was staying for , they did offer to stay in my house if needed when my relative went home . This is why I am so conflicted and confused . Very thoughtful and nice offers to help , said I would like to be checked in on as it would mean a lot . When I say checked in on I mean the odd phone call or text .

There is a pattern of them both waiting for me to contact them . I guess the double whammy of my birthday invite being ignored, and them not checking in has me a bit salty

These people are not real friends. If they both knew the situation, when you were having surgery and the aftermath of that and have not made any contact then they don't care. Probably best to wait and let your initial hurt feelings subside. I would honestly wait and see if they contact you and take it from there however, perhaps you could concentrate on your other friends who are concerned about you. Its a sad fact that of life that people behave like this and let you down when you need them most. I wish you all the best x

What are the odds of 3 people from 1 small friendship group having foot surgery. Anyone else curious about that part.....

Well Anna was in a car accident a few years ago . CM broke her ankle a few years ago

Did you update when you were going in for surgery e.g “just headed in to the hospital now, wish me luck!”
It’s common for people to forget the dates and doesn’t mean they don’t care. They may assume you haven’t had the op yet if you haven’t mentioned it.

No I didn’t update anyone as I had so much to sort out in the days coming up to the surgery . Had her bedroom / meals prepared so didn’t have time

I did get some lovely best of luck messages from other friends ( not the ones in the group I’m talking about )

I know that, I read it. I was asking the poster what she would do.

What would I do if the roles were reversed you mean ?

It's the complete silence of the group and in particular, Anna and CM when asking about a birthday meet up. These people aren't your friends OP.

The not reaching out after your surgery is hurtful but not grounds for letting go of the friendships completely; however, the above definitely is. IMO

I'm sorry op. It seems honestly like they have already distanced themselves. I wouldn't go to the dinner. They made it hugely clear with the birthday messages.

The dinner for Anna is in a few weeks. I won’t be going

I think that's best. They have been horrible and you deserve better

Posted to fast. I hope you go on the trip and have the best time doing what you want to do!

I'd put on the group chat "surgery went well. Just bored now so feel free to message/call for chat"

And see what happens. Tbh the total ignoring of the meal out for birthday is worse. I'd consider backing away from the group for that. Or go out with other friends and send photos to the chat of you having a great time

op get them out your life. they are not friends. rhwy sound like araeholes. best thing u can do is put ur best foot forward and kick them all to the kerb. no friends is better than twats like that. they don't care about you. you are hurt. and rightly so. get new friends and don't respond to them if they try to msg u. u can asssume thwy are talking about you. unless there is something you are not saying, they are nasty fkrs. schoolgirl behaviour. and they are mums? they should know better, would they encourage their kids to act like this? or what if their child was treated like that? they have showed their true colours now leave them all. do yourself better. speedy recovery.

ignorant af

There has been a few other times in that friend group where I felt completely unseen and hurt . Tried to arrange birthday drinks , sent a message in the group chat asking who was free for dinner / drinks on x date. No one responded. A few minutes later someone else in the group (S ) messaged arranging a birthday dinner for Anna .Everyone replied saying they would go to Anna’s birthday dinner . Anna’s birthday dinner was arranged for a few days after my birthday

This is particularly shitty. Withdrawing might not be the worst idea. It doesn’t sound like they care that much.

How old are you op?

Why is that relevant? 🤔

Gently, you are sort posing this as a test then and wondering why they failed. Of course ideally people remember you had an operation on this day but my absolute best, would drive across the country for me (and have!) friends have forgotten big dates. It’s normal. We have to do our part in friendship of communicating. Please tell them you’ve had the operation. I imagine they’d be confused and suprised that your suffering in silence for no particular reason.

They sound really cruel.

Ignoring someone's message about birthday drinks and all responding to another another another's birthday is teen bullying standard behaviour.

Can you join some local groups and find people who deserve you as a their friend? This lot don't.