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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3 kids in a 3 bed house?

98 replies

3ina3 · 16/08/2023 11:28

Settle a debate for me:

Friend thinks having 3 kids in a 3 bed house is near cruelty. I think, maybe it’s not ideal, but ultimately, it’s not going to harm children to share a bedroom until they’re old enough to move out.

Her argument is that children NEED their own space to become well adjusted adults. My argument is that sharing a room with your sibling, even as a teenager, isn’t going to kill you. In the “olden days”, there’d be 8 kids in a 3 bedroom house, and everyone survived so it can’t be that bad.

I shared a room with my sister before having my own room, and while I did like my own space, I also didn’t mind sharing. There were opportunities for me to have my own time in my room when my sister was away with friends or trips, and vice versa. My friend thinks this was abhorrent.

Sanity check please?

OP posts:
Mummyme87 · 16/08/2023 11:31

Having your own room as a child is a luxury as far as I’m concerned. Obviously it needs to be appropriate, a 10yr old girl sharing with a 16yr old boy isn’t right. We are in a 3 bed for now, and have 9 and 5.5yr old boys sharing, small room is a spare for now and hopefully we will move next year to a 4 bed but two of our children will always share

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/08/2023 11:31

It clearly isn’t “abhorrent” and children just get on with what they’re used to and know. I can say as an adult that I wouldn’t have wanted to have shared a room, but that’s based on never having had to. I’m sure my view would be that sharing a room was fine if I had had to.

Wannabegreenfingers · 16/08/2023 11:31

Your friend is bonkers. It's hardly overcrowding. I shared with my sister until I left home. Was it ideal, no, but it wasn't the end of the world.

user1471556818 · 16/08/2023 11:33

It's a relatively new concept that each child needs it's own room .obviously different sexs need own room as they get older but nothing wrong with sharing.The way house prices are going it's going to be the new norm I think .

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 16/08/2023 11:38

I shared a room with my twin older brothers (just to confirm I am also male 😁) for more than 5 years
Don't think it did any of us any harm. I suspect it encouraged my brothers to leave home as soon as they could though. Don't think there is any problem with it.

Hufflepods · 16/08/2023 11:39

Your friend is ridiculous and needs to get off her high horse. Sharing rooms is not cruelty. Most older adults now will have grown up sharing a room!
My own DM had 4 sisters to a room.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 16/08/2023 11:42

I grew up in a traditional 1930s 3 bed house and 3 children was very much a norm. I believe the old saying was one to replace each parent and one to die for their country.

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 16/08/2023 11:46

When I was a young lass (1970s,) I knew half a dozen families with 4 to 7 children IN 3 BEDROOM HOUSES.

Examples..

  1. .....2 girls in one bedroom, 2 boys in another, parents in another.
  2. .....3 girls in one bedroom, and 3 boys in another, parents in another.
  3. .....2 girls in small boxroom, 3 boys in large room, 2 older teen girls in medium sized room, parents on sofa bed in lounge.

Basically, all families had MORE THAN ONE CHILD in each bedroom. I know horrific right?! Hmm

We have become a nation of utterly entitled and precious wimps.

Your friend is a twit @3ina3

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 16/08/2023 11:46

I shared until I was 10 when we got our own rooms. My sister was 15 month older than me so we shared. My brother is 18 months younger than me never had to share. I preferred not sharing as I was very neat and tidy and sister was the opposite. However if I had never had my own room I would not have known otherwise. SIL shared with her two sisters until she left home.

We have a small house and two dds. They cannot share though as dd1 is 8 and dd2 is 5 months. It wouldn’t be fair due to massive gap in age. Currently looking to extend into the loft to give dd1 a bigger loft room and dd2 the small room.

I don’t think sharing is bad especially if close in age and same sex.

Songlines · 16/08/2023 11:51

When DP and I bought our house they had 7 children. 3 boys sharing the largest room, 2 girls together, oldest girl in the (tiny!) box room and baby in with parents.

SternJosie · 16/08/2023 11:54

Obviously it's fine and not abuse. Your friend is crazy.

However, I do think that 'ideally' dc have their own rooms. We live in a 3 bed with 3 dc but had two reception rooms plus conservatory. So we made some minor conversions to the conservatory to make it better temperature-wise and that became our dining room. The (self contained) dining room then became bedroom 4.

It's important to us for each of the dc to have their own rooms because I think the days of merrily moving out at 18 or straight after uni are nearly gone. We want our dc to be able to have a home with us for as long as they need and are prepared for this to he into their 20's/30's or whatever if they want to save a deposit and whatnot. Which is more easily done with own rooms.

BringOnSummerHolidays · 16/08/2023 11:55

It’s not a relatively new concept to not share a room with a sibling. I’m late 40s and I have my own room. Unless you count something in the 70s as relatively new.

Of course it is not cruel to have to share a room. Plenty do. It’s like saying it’s cruel to go to a state school. But if the parents have spare rooms, the kids what their privacy and you force them to share, then that’s cruel.

BringOnSummerHolidays · 16/08/2023 11:55

I prefer my own room growing up. Would hate to share. I like my own space.

beeskipa · 16/08/2023 11:58

I shared a bedroom until I was 18, as did a lot of my friends. I think a lot of children would prefer their own space and age differences will play into how well that'll work, but it's really not the end of the world.

TropicalTrama · 16/08/2023 12:03

I think it depends on the ages involved. Nothing wrong with sharing where appropriate but if you already have opposite sex pre teens then having a 3rd in a 3 bed clearly isn’t going to work as opposite sex teens can’t share and it’s not fair to ask a teen to share with a toddler. So if it’s something like that then I’d agree with your friend. It’s not the 70s anymore and a lot of things have changed for the better. However, if we’re talking about same sex siblings and a small age gap then there’s no issue whatsoever.

monty09 · 16/08/2023 12:03

I shared a room with 3 sisters growing up, didn't do us any harm. Now me and my OH have 6 kids between us 5 here full time and we live in a 3 bedroom house 3 girls in one room and 3 boys share the other room.

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 16/08/2023 12:05

Most people need less stuff, not more space.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 16/08/2023 12:08

It’s nonsense to call it cruel.
I was the youngest sibling by 10 years so I had my own room from 8/9 and I can see that it’s preferable, but it’s certainly not cruel.

PIL both grew up sharing rooms with multiple siblings - 9 in a 2 bed flat (5 boys in one room, 4 girls in the other and parents on a pull down in the lounge) and 15 in a 3 bed (again kids in bedrooms and parents in lounge). They’ve all grown up to be very decent adults with families of their own.

I’d say the biggest change is the size of bedrooms now. MIL lived in a council house and her “girls bedroom” had three double beds in it and a massive wardrobe. That’s the main reason kids can’t share as easily now - rooms are much smaller.

Flossflower · 16/08/2023 12:09

I shared with my sister growing up. I hated it she was very very messy. She also just left her knickers on the floor under piles of things. My mother did the washing once a week. If clothes were not in the wash basket they did not get washed. My sister then took my knickers when she ran out so I didn’t have any.

Frenchbabynames · 16/08/2023 12:10

Iwantmyoldnameback · 16/08/2023 11:42

I grew up in a traditional 1930s 3 bed house and 3 children was very much a norm. I believe the old saying was one to replace each parent and one to die for their country.

That's cheerful 😂

WhatNoRaisins · 16/08/2023 12:12

My own preference was for my children to have their own rooms, it's fine to want this but it's a massive stretch to call children having to a share a room cruelty.

I get the own space argument to an extent, children aren't allowed to play out so much these days. Having 4 or more kids in a bedroom would have been a different prospect when they could spend the day going where they want.

NortieTortie · 16/08/2023 12:13

Not cruel. I shared with two of my sisters, 6 year gap between me and my younger sister and an 8 year gap between me and my older. It wasnt ideal but you work with what you have.

My neighbour has (soon to be) 5 kids in a 2 bed. 18yo boy, a teen girl and two younger children of each sex with additional needs. No idea how she does it -- I imagine you have to get creative.

Nevermind31 · 16/08/2023 12:16

Once kids are teenagers I’m with your friend - own space is important. Younger kids fine to share if they get on and are happy.
obviously if you just don’t have the space, and children need to share, it is not going to kill them to have to share, but I wouldn’t have a third child if I didn’t have the space or couldn’t afford to move.

Nevermind31 · 16/08/2023 12:17

Ps - I’m in my late 40s and even my parents had their own rooms as children…

Ponderingwindow · 16/08/2023 12:18

I think about the stories my grandmother told me about growing up sharing a bed with her 3 siblings, a mix of boys and girls.

back in the modern world, I do think parents would be wise to be prepared with a backup plan if any of the children end up having special needs. Healthy, NT children sharing rooms is going to be relatively simple. If you end up with a child or children that don’t fit that mold, the challenges of room sharing may be greater.