Toddler having a huge tantrum...just interested, nothing more

[PoshPineapple]

So, outside Hobbycraft earlier and a lady came out of the shop with a beetroot red, apoplectic toddler in her arms - the screams were pretty ear piercing to be honest!

Mum calmly straps toddler into her car seat and leaves the door slight ajar but stays outside the car herself. Mum largely ignores the scream-fest but periodically pops her head in and repeatedly says "we'll go back inside when you've calmed down" and the like.

I thought "how calmly Mum is dealing with this". However, a couple of other women were walking back to their car, and as they passed me I heard one of them remark "Oh god, that poor child, that woman needs reporting, it's almost neglect" "How can people treat their kids like that" etc.

It dawned on me just how very different every parent parents. I was genuinely admiring of Mum to have calmly removed her daughter from a distressing situation and let her simply ride it out without any fuss or drama, yet these other women obviously regarded it as near-on child abuse.

I know there's no wrong or right, but it's got me pondering and I'm genuinely curious how you would have regarded this?

Honestly? Probably wouldn't have given it a seconds thought. I don't really care how anyone else chooses to parent.

I think she coped brilliantly and am impressed she managed to strap in an angry toddler

Those passers by sound like arseholes.

Yep, this. The mum handled it beautifully, she took away any stimulus to keep the tantrum going and let the toddler burn out her rage. You can’t reason with a toddler in that phase.

I’d be applying her.

*Applauding

Think the mum handled it perfectly- I also
dont care if mothers handle things less than perfectly- toddlers are insanely hard work

I'd be impressed she managed to strap the toddler in! DD didn't really have tantrums like that but DS did (bit of a shock after DD!) and he was like an angry bloody octopus when trying to manoeuvre him! Many a time I had to essentially karate chop him in the stomach to get him in the car seat...

The Mum did the right thing, the passers-by were judgemental dicks.

It sounds fine, not neglect, but my personal view is that cold response if always used doesn't help kids learn to hear and soothe their own feelings healthily.

So I'd have felt a bit sorry for the kid, but also sometimes just keeping your own cool deserves a medal.

Could the other women have seen an incident in the shop involving the mother and the upset toddler, that was worrying to them? It sounds like you're seeing the aftermath. Maybe it was a normal tantrum or maybe there was more to it that the other women were witness to

The mum did a great job. I took mine out of a shop once, wrangled him into the buggy, pushed him down a side street and turned it so he was facing the wall. I stood where he could see me but told him he had to calm down. Waited until he did, and we then had a cuddle and went on our way. I had no idea you were supposed to do anything else if a 3 year old demands a toy when you’re not going to buy it for him. Taught me not to shop for other kids’ presents with him there!

It was the only time he threw a strop like that but getting him out of the shop to somewhere boring did the trick.

Most unlikely.

Far more likely that they saw a woman standing by a car ignoring a screaming child and without knowing what had led up to the screaming session, they decided that the woman was being neglectful of a poor little distressed tot.

The Mum was doing a great job. Remove from the scene so they haven't got an audience.

I probably did this when my first two were toddlers but by the third and fourth child I'd learned that punishment, isolation and restraint don't really help to calm small children down. Distraction and then eventually a cuddle usually works better. But having seen actually neglectful parenting in my job I wouldn't have been overly concerned witnessing this.

How does one distract a beetroot child in Hobbycraft @AnotherVice ?

A shop with a million lovely colourful shiny things that every toddler wants (and they want ALL of it) is not the best place to employ the distraction technique. You need to remove them from that environment and not let them back in until they have calmed down. As much for the benefit of the eardrums of the other customers as anything else.

This description from @AnotherVice punishment, isolation and restraint is brutally phrased but accurate.

Nope. When you’re overwhelmed, tired and angry, your family don’t ignore you until you’ve ‘calmed down’, do they? Because calming down in that scenario would mean swallowing your emotions and never really dealing with them, and you wouldn’t learn much except that you couldn’t have feelings around those people. I don’t think it’s the way to react to a tantrum at all.

@CoodleMoodle

he was like an angry bloody octopus

This made me laugh. A lot! 😂

She put her dd in a safe place to ride out her big tantrum. Somewhere where she can’t run on to the road or throw something in the shop while she’s in that angry zone. Somewhere away from other people who might have stook their oar in or complained. She handled it perfectly.

@Perfectweatherforducks

True enough and a good point.

I just don't get this
What punishment?
Isolation -she remained nearby and interacted
Restraint -it's a car park, should the child have been allowed to run off?

@ChekhovsMum

Again, out of curiosity what would you have done in this environment and situation? I honestly don't think I would have known what else to do but this, with any of mine.

@Merapi well quite, leaving the shop and going for a little walk rather than wrestling them into a car seat. They only 'calm down' when they're exhausted and defeated.

I think it would have been better to hold the child or sit next to them whilst they were upset (depending on personality of the child). But I think the women who commented were massively overreacting.

I’ve had the same when DS used to have mammoth tantrums, so I would have felt for her and walked on by with no judgement.

I used to get ‘the look’ too from some passers-by, I used to zone out from all around me as I knew people would be staring. I would remain calm until the tantrum passed. No amount of talking would have made a difference to DS though, he just had to calm down by himself, then peace resumed.