Toddler having a huge tantrum...just interested, nothing more

[PoshPineapple]

So, outside Hobbycraft earlier and a lady came out of the shop with a beetroot red, apoplectic toddler in her arms - the screams were pretty ear piercing to be honest!

Mum calmly straps toddler into her car seat and leaves the door slight ajar but stays outside the car herself. Mum largely ignores the scream-fest but periodically pops her head in and repeatedly says "we'll go back inside when you've calmed down" and the like.

I thought "how calmly Mum is dealing with this". However, a couple of other women were walking back to their car, and as they passed me I heard one of them remark "Oh god, that poor child, that woman needs reporting, it's almost neglect" "How can people treat their kids like that" etc.

It dawned on me just how very different every parent parents. I was genuinely admiring of Mum to have calmly removed her daughter from a distressing situation and let her simply ride it out without any fuss or drama, yet these other women obviously regarded it as near-on child abuse.

I know there's no wrong or right, but it's got me pondering and I'm genuinely curious how you would have regarded this?

Toddlers in the middle of a tantrum cannot process anything at all, let alone their own feelings. There is no reasoning with a toddler. You have to calmly wait for the storm to be over, largely because they are screaming so loudly they can't hear you.

With all due respect, toddlers do have to learn to control their emotions, and that they cannot always have what they want. They have to learn that no amount of tantrumming will get them their own way. They need to learn to control their feelings.

You need to take them away from the source of temptation (which this woman did), you need to put them in a safe environment where they won't hurt themselves or others while thrashing about (which this woman did), and you then need to stand close by calmy waiting for the hurricane to die down (which is what the woman was doing).

I'd assume mam was doing the best she could in a stressful situation - personally I would rather sit in the car with the child and offer comfort and distraction, but I wouldn't judge this mam - it might of been the only way she could stay calm herself.

What you describe is only one way to respond to tantrums.

There are other ways that maintain an emotional connection.

I disagree
Allow the child their anger, don't invalidate it by trying to talk to them or calm them.
They feel angry, scared and overwhelmed due to emotional disregulation.
Keep them safe,your self safe and wait.
Once they calm down, then acknowledge their feelings.
Crikey if you were angry or upset would you want someone in your face.
Give them space.

DS also used to have night terrors!

2am screaming, nothing and I mean NOTHING would sooth him. And again, if I tried to sooth it exacerbated the screaming.

Fucking awful times.

DS is now 16, diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago. Thankfully tantrums are a thing of the past.

They feel angry, scared and overwhelmed due to emotional disregulation. Which is why staying outside the car, ignoring, being cold is the wrong approach IMO.

I think warmth is better than coldness.

I work in retail so regularly see toddlers throwing tantrums. I've noticed that it's always my work colleagues who haven't had children yet that are the most Judgmental with all their Id never let my future perfect children act like that comments. Stupid Twats.

DS’s tantrums were like a wave, peaked in the middle and then calmed down.

I couldn’t do anything to stop the storm, I kept him safe and once the storm passed we cuddled and moved on.

You tell me to cuddle him, calm him during the eye of the storm, unless you’ve had a DC who has had tantrums on such a scale, please don’t offer your (possibly well meaning, but most probably ‘judgy’) advice!

Yanbu OP in that there's more than one good way to deal with tantrums and Car Mum's way isn't abusive or neglectful or anything like that.

However it's not my preferred way. My preferred way is to lean in and try and understand what dd wants. I can't understand at first because she's screaming so much she can't articulate the words properly. So she forces herself to calm down to say it clearly (whew, the worst is over). Then depending what it is, if it's actually a fairly reasonable or harmless thing then I give her the thing. If it's not then I try to explain (briefly) why I can't, which sometimes reignites the tantrum but usually at a reduced magnitude.

However I do have a short temper myself so if I just can't stay calm enough to do my Plan A then Car Mum's method is my Plan B.

She didn't ignore, she checked in on him calmly.
Coldness is your projection.
Likelihood is you would be kicked or punched if you cuddle a tantrumming toddler.
Why would you cuddle an angry person?
Plus they need to learn self regulation, allow them space

When you’re overwhelmed, tired and angry, your family don’t ignore you until you’ve ‘calmed down’, do they?

If I expressed my feelings by hurling myself on the floor, screaming and kicking and refusing to listen to anything anyone said (and carried on screaming even when the exact thing I had been screaming about was sorted for me, which I have witnessed toddlers do many times) then yes, I would absolutely expect my family to ignore me until I’d calmed down.

It’s a meaningless comparison anyway because an adult’s and a toddler’s brain simply do not work in the same way. A toddler will throw a massive screaming snot-faced tantrum because the bloody sky is the wrong colour for them, and nothing you do or say will actually help them because all they want to do is scream. They’re not looking for your comfort or a nice chat about their feelings and they don’t have the mental capacity for reasoning. They just want to shout and be angry until they’ve got it all out. So just letting them carry on yelling with minimal intervention and away from other people is actually the best thing to do. They’re not swallowing their feelings at all. They’re being allowed to express them loudly and at length.

Ps I completely understand though that some methods just don't work for kids with certain SEN.

Coldness is simply my description. My view is that is an unhelpfully cold response.

I chose to do it differently.

I managed without getting kicked or hit!

I'm with pps, I think she did excellent especially strapping a tantruming toddler in, keeping her cool and being reasonable. Those passersby were rude and judgemental, toddlers are hard work and completely unreasonable when in that stage of a tantrum, everyone has to do their best to survive those days.

I've been known to pick ds up by his waistband when he's having a tantrum in a shop, mean I know but it's enough to snap him out because it's a shock to go from on the floor to floating and he ends up laughing after a while and we can talk.

I used to wonder how anyone could do that.

Like @Bubop said - best to hold or be near them.

I always soothed my first.

Second one is completely different. If I try that she gets madder ans sometimes more dangerousto herself throwing her head back to the floor! Actually wants her own space even if she's looking like she's possessed on the floor!

The anount of times I feel I must be failing her because she doesn't want comfort during a tantrum...

If the toddler was having a full on tantrum it's likely they would be hit or kicked.

She made him safe, allowed him to express his emotions and was calm.

What would you have done?
Cuddle -likely whack in the face plus it is invalidating their feelings.

Good for you and I mean that.

That wouldn’t have worked for DS though.

I don’t class the response as cold, I class it as calmly taking control of the situation, even with the judgement of others.

Some toddlers DO calm down with a cuddle or a hug, for others this would likely (and in DS’s case) make the situation much worse and prolong the tantrum. THAT’s what happened in our case.

It doesn’t make you a better parent, it’s because our DC are very different.

Oh gosh the toddler head butt as well.
Ouch -eye watering!

We don’t know what happened before Car Mum put her child in the car, though, do we? She may well have tried your Plan A and the car thing was her Plan B too.

I think the vast majority of parents probably do try to establish why the child is upset and attempt to explain why that can’t be fixed for them before they have to resort to the Plan B.

The passers by are idiots

there are children actually being abused, letting a child calm down, wether you agree with the ‘time out’ sort of parenting style or not is not abuse and it’s ridiculous to say otherwise.

even saying you feel sorry for the kid is a bit much. Who knows what’s been happening. Maybe mum normally gentle parents (though of course if she does lots will be quick to judge that too) but maybe she’s got nothing left in the tank, and just staying calm, slightly removed from the noise and anxiety of it, outside of the car is all she can manage right now. Who knows. So I’d mind my own business, but I’d lean more to your opinion op.

I can't see the point of labouring it.

People parent differently is the message of the thread.

She did the right thing.

I would think it was a bit uncaring, but that's coming from the experience of 2 children who wouldn't scream like that in a tantrum, and one child who does but has significant learning difficulties and autism.

So my first thought if the mum wasn't able to calm the child to that extent and the child is in a proper meltdown would be why isn't she bothering to help the child through it, however I can see why if someone has had a child where they act like that through bad behaviour rather than genuine distress then they wouldn't view it the same? Just haven't come across that with ours.

That’s because adults don’t have tantrums over a cat only having 4 legs. There’s nothing to work through with a toddler and they won’t understand emotion-speak anyway. I just let DD thrash around on her bed and told her I would give her a cuddle when she was ready.

ROFL at being able to take a tantrumming toddler 'for a little walk'.

If they're ok to walk, holding hands, then it's not a tantrum.