Toddler having a huge tantrum...just interested, nothing more

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So, outside Hobbycraft earlier and a lady came out of the shop with a beetroot red, apoplectic toddler in her arms - the screams were pretty ear piercing to be honest!

Mum calmly straps toddler into her car seat and leaves the door slight ajar but stays outside the car herself. Mum largely ignores the scream-fest but periodically pops her head in and repeatedly says "we'll go back inside when you've calmed down" and the like.

I thought "how calmly Mum is dealing with this". However, a couple of other women were walking back to their car, and as they passed me I heard one of them remark "Oh god, that poor child, that woman needs reporting, it's almost neglect" "How can people treat their kids like that" etc.

It dawned on me just how very different every parent parents. I was genuinely admiring of Mum to have calmly removed her daughter from a distressing situation and let her simply ride it out without any fuss or drama, yet these other women obviously regarded it as near-on child abuse.

I know there's no wrong or right, but it's got me pondering and I'm genuinely curious how you would have regarded this?

I asked what you would do differently though?
Cuddle them, talk to them?

I've never met a toddler in many years of parenting who was full on tantrumming who would have been eased with cuddling.
They weren't a bit miffed, they were beetroot red and screaming.

I work with people who display challenging behaviour .
Never approach an angry person who has lost control, make them as safe as you can, ensure your own safety.
Reassure them you are nearby, allow the feelings to be expressed and then discuss, comfort etc.
I'm genuinely interested as to how or why you did things differently?

Children are challenging, they don't understand or care about what we do. So it happens frequently that they get like that, and how you deal with it depends on how the day is going

.One day you're that woman - I sat with mine for ten minutes in a shop explaining why she cannot have a toy or a treat every time we enter a shop.

Another day it could become a huge stress and you burst and shout at them.

Obviously everything is child specific. You keep going on about 'cuddling' but that's only if it suits a particular kid, for example.

I work with people who display challenging behaviour. This is a completely inappropriate comparison. A toddler having a tantrum is not displaying challenging behaviour, they're displaying developmentally appropriate behaviour.

If someone parented toddlers in the way a professional would deal with people who display challenging behaviour that would be all sorts of wrong.

I once had that toddler and one day I was in a shop just desperately trying to jeep calm.

He was screaming the place down… land had escaped from his buggy

An older lady walked up to us bent down to his level and said ‘this isn’t very kind your poor mummy is doing her very best’, and then she strapped him back into his buggy

he was so shocked by the whole thing I didn’t hear a peep out of him again.

Angels live amongst us!

If I'd tried picking up and cuddling DD when she was like that, I'd have ended up with a broken nose and probably dropped her on her head in the process.

She wore an old fashioned set of reins as she was a flight risk at the best of times and sometimes I'd have to lift from behind and carry her out of harm's way, place her down somewhere safe (whilst remaining out of range of angry feet and head) and let it run its course. She'd then benefit from the release of hormones from crying, the physical effort and quiet resolution - and I'd benefit from having handled the situation with my nasal cartilage still intact.

Some people do not do being smothered and trapped. I don't want to be grabbed and constricted when I'm angry, frustrated or freaking out about something, either.

I used the word challenging to describe the behaviour of the children I care for with SEN, they are people .
The behaviour is challenging to manage, the toddlers behaviour was challenging.
Its not a nasty thing to call either age appropriate or unregulated emotions challenging.
its the end result on those around them.

Obviously you just wanted to say she was wrong but have nothing different to offer.

Imaginary non-existent children are always easier to parent than the real ones.
So yes, these people were tests.

*twats 🤦‍♀️

Haha ain't that the truth!

This just popped up on 'Trending' not long after my two year old has just had his first ever "proper" tantrum. Ha! My partner and I responded in much the same way as the parent you described in the OP, and now my toddler is with his other parent, happily eating his tea. (Luckily I'd made double so it didn't matter too much that the kitchen is wearing his first portion! 🙈) In my opinion, the other women sound like judgemental twats.

I'd do what the mum did, only I'd just go home, not back in the shop

They're too little to get the whole psychology of that

When my autistic son gets upset when we're out and about, I put him in his SEN buggy and move it back and forth while saying "it's ok I know it's hard". He uses his buggy as a safe space when we're out and about, and wants to go in it when he's overwhelmed. He doesn't want cuddles or kisses when he's upset, he pushes people out of his personal space or worse...

In a way, what this mum did is quite similar. She took her child to a "home from home" safe space wjere they couldn't hurt themselves or other to calm down, and reassured the child that they could go back when they had calmed down.

A lot of toddlers will not allow you to hold or cuddle them in the middle of a tantrum. They can't hear anything you're saying because they're screaming so loud.
People saying, cuddle them etc have not dealt with a certain caliber of tantrum.
We cuddle and talk it through after, but yes, tantrums for us are about making sure they're safe and waiting for it to pass. I don't try and rush the tantrum though, I let them get it out their system in their own time.

I would have smiled at her and given her encouragement such as "gosh, it's hard isn't it? You're doing a great job" or the like.

I completely and utterly ignore tantrums. If he’s safe, not disturbing anyone and not breaking anything, I will walk away and leave him to it. He will come over to me when he’s finished and we’ll have a cuddle and move on. As a result, he’s only had about four. This is likely luck as well as temperament on his part.

One was in a shop when he was sick and very tired and I carried him outside, plonked him on the floor and let him get it out of his system. An old woman going past on a scooter told him to ‘shut the fuck up.’ 😂

I think that woman dealt with it brilliantly. Really calmly. The silly women walking past were stupid.

I always say ‘mine is/was just the same’ with the mum-to-mum sympathy smile (you know the one I mean!)

Go for a walk 😂

With my eldest, her tantrums would get exponentially worse if I so much as looked at her. She would scream, and flail, and hit. And if I tried to take her for a walk she wouldn't have moved.

The only way to deal with those tantrums (and she once had one because she only has two feet and she wanted three), was to sit down near (but not too near) and play. Without looking at her and without any attempt to engage. She'd slowly calm down and then come over to play. BUT if I saw her coming over and interacted too soon, she'd go right back to screaming.

Depending on the length of the journey, I'd probably have just driven home if I was that mother. But I can understand not wanting to do that. But there would have been precisely zero point in attempting to soothe her. She wasn't interested. Thankfully she's 4 now and has grown out of these.

I have noticed this too. Everyone is a great parent until they actually have children and experience the sheer relentlessness of it for themselves.

But it is also inappropriate to parent children who don't have SEN as if they did, as it would be inappropriate to parent a child with SEN as though they didn't.

Professional techniques with children at work is not the same as parenting your own child.

Obviously you just wanted to say she was wrong but have nothing different to offer. This is unnecessarily rude and uncalled for. People parent differently based on a range of things - how they were parented, what they think is right, the needs of a particular child, their mood that day...

I assumed the parent couldn't drive home because the rest of the family were still in the shop? That was always the hardest, when one was tantrumming but you'd spoil the others' days if you left.

I love this, and would be thrilled if someone helped me out like that as and when my little one decides the time for a tantrum has arrived.

Every shop should have one.

I think she was absolutely right. I was a cuddler and soother. With the benefit of hind sight and increased self awareness, I see that my way was about my feelings not my child's. I wanted to comfort them so they'd stop expressing their feelings, so I wouldn't be have to be upset by their distress. It takes a lot if courage to stand by and let your child cry it out. I admire her.

When DD was little I would have to wait for her to calm down enough for her to be able to hear me and be ready for a cuddle. Anything I did to intervene just made it worse. So sometimes I just sat near her and and said “it’s ok, I’m here, when you are ready we can have a cuddle”.

Restraining my 2 year old in that way would make her worse, any sort of picking up, moving around, manhandling escalates everything massively, I don’t think I’d even get her in her car seat in fairness, and if I did she’d be inconsolable because of being essentially tied down. She seems to know her own mind so I just sit with her, keep calm and reprimand and explain softly if needs be, let her calm herself down, and move for distraction to bring her out of it. iI’s the most effective way we’ve found but every child is different and people shouldn’t be judging if they’re not actually hurting the child.

If applaud her for leaving the shop with her child, moving away from whatever triggered it off and ensuring that their child was unlikely to become a hazard to themselves or others.

In the car, I'd applaud her for remaining calm, but wouldn't have handled it her way. Waiting for a toddler to cry themselves to the point of exhaustion that they give up wouldn't be my way of responding.

Like other posters, I see actually neglectful parenting in my work so I'd not be tutting and judging like the passers by.