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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Toddler having a huge tantrum...just interested, nothing more

90 replies

PoshPineapple · 15/08/2023 16:45

So, outside Hobbycraft earlier and a lady came out of the shop with a beetroot red, apoplectic toddler in her arms - the screams were pretty ear piercing to be honest!

Mum calmly straps toddler into her car seat and leaves the door slight ajar but stays outside the car herself. Mum largely ignores the scream-fest but periodically pops her head in and repeatedly says "we'll go back inside when you've calmed down" and the like.

I thought "how calmly Mum is dealing with this". However, a couple of other women were walking back to their car, and as they passed me I heard one of them remark "Oh god, that poor child, that woman needs reporting, it's almost neglect" "How can people treat their kids like that" etc.

It dawned on me just how very different every parent parents. I was genuinely admiring of Mum to have calmly removed her daughter from a distressing situation and let her simply ride it out without any fuss or drama, yet these other women obviously regarded it as near-on child abuse.

I know there's no wrong or right, but it's got me pondering and I'm genuinely curious how you would have regarded this?

OP posts:

VibrantGreen · 15/08/2023 21:02

LolaSmiles · 15/08/2023 20:55

If applaud her for leaving the shop with her child, moving away from whatever triggered it off and ensuring that their child was unlikely to become a hazard to themselves or others.

In the car, I'd applaud her for remaining calm, but wouldn't have handled it her way. Waiting for a toddler to cry themselves to the point of exhaustion that they give up wouldn't be my way of responding.

Like other posters, I see actually neglectful parenting in my work so I'd not be tutting and judging like the passers by.

It’s not the case of the toddler ‘crying themselves to a point of exhaustion’, rather than letting the tantrum coming to a natural end.

Tantrums for some toddlers don’t end with exhaustion, rather the tantrum has peaked and then comes to a natural, less dramatic end.

My toddler certainly wasn’t exhausted after a tantrum, it was an explosion of emotions with a start, beginning and end, a bit like a storm.

Not all toddlers (and parents) experience tantrums in the same way.

VibrantGreen · 15/08/2023 21:03

We had cuddles in the calm after the storm.

Gremlins101 · 15/08/2023 21:06

The passers by sound awful!

I've developed a very low tolerance for mum-bashing. I've a few friends who do it and it really gets my hackles up. I always say "oh well we can't all be perfect mums". The LOL thing is a couple of them aren't even mums but they've read the books and listened to the podcasts in prep. God help them.

Honestly there is a world of difference between being a great mum and a great person and I strive for the latter.

YukoandHiro · 15/08/2023 21:08

If i heard those passers by I'd have chipped in "sounds like it's been far too long since you spent the day with a toddler, would you like to help out with mine tomorrow"

That should shut them up

YukoandHiro · 15/08/2023 21:11

ChekhovsMum · 15/08/2023 17:31

Nope. When you’re overwhelmed, tired and angry, your family don’t ignore you until you’ve ‘calmed down’, do they? Because calming down in that scenario would mean swallowing your emotions and never really dealing with them, and you wouldn’t learn much except that you couldn’t have feelings around those people. I don’t think it’s the way to react to a tantrum at all.

Don't they?

I'm not talking about the parenting technique here, put that to one side for a moment.

But if you're an overwhelmed hot mess and being dick, your DH giving you some kind words but then removing themselves until you'd had a chance to recalibrate is ... what? Bad partnering? I don't think so

It's adults respecting each others' feelings while also holding their boundaries and protecting their own mental health.

YukoandHiro · 15/08/2023 21:14

Elizadoloads · 15/08/2023 18:04

I work in retail so regularly see toddlers throwing tantrums. I've noticed that it's always my work colleagues who haven't had children yet that are the most Judgmental with all their Id never let my future perfect children act like that comments. Stupid Twats.

I just smile at that stuff knowingly.

And later enjoy the "oh my god this is really hard" texts I get.

LolaSmiles · 15/08/2023 21:20

VibrantGreen
I see your point and I might have made an unfair jump there based on the description.
The image I get from the OP's description is that of a detached adult waiting for the child to run out of steam. I question whether repeatedly telling a highly emotional child "we'll do this when you calm down" then stepping back and offering no support on how to do this is supportive or helpful. It came across to me as an approach that is based on the child giving up and exhausting themselves.

To me what was described didn't give me images of a parent who is sitting with a child and riding the tantrum out together in a supportive way. A tantrum can come to a natural end, you're right and I missed that in my last post. I just think what matters is how the parent relates to the child through it.

Flufferblub · 15/08/2023 21:22

The mum probably needed a breather to calm down as well. She put her child some where safe and took a minute too. I think she did the right thing

Merapi · 15/08/2023 21:48

LaTartine · 15/08/2023 17:59

I disagree
Allow the child their anger, don't invalidate it by trying to talk to them or calm them.
They feel angry, scared and overwhelmed due to emotional disregulation.
Keep them safe,your self safe and wait.
Once they calm down, then acknowledge their feelings.
Crikey if you were angry or upset would you want someone in your face.
Give them space.

Show quote history

Yep. The time to talk to them is when they have managed to calm themselves down.

The last thing I want when I'm in a furious rage is to have someone trying to reason with me or explain why I'm wrong when all I want them to do is piss off and leave me alone! I'll be ready to talk when the red mist has cleared a bit.

Smineusername · 15/08/2023 22:27

She could've maybe held the child til they calmed down. Strapping into car seat would have been distressing and felt like being restrained/punished rather than soothed. But she knows her child better than me and God knows she is probably doing her best. Those meltdowns are developmentally appropriate (ie nothing to do with the quality of parenting) but by God are they hard to go through as a parent so I'd be offering solidarity rather than judging (I hope).

calmcoco · 15/08/2023 23:03

Merapi · 15/08/2023 21:48

Yep. The time to talk to them is when they have managed to calm themselves down.

Show quote history

Firstly I assume you've developed a little since you were 2?? You can't apply what an adult wants to a child.

But secondly it's not about talking to a toddler or trying to reason, but just not strapping them in a car, shutting them in and ignoring.

Being present - physically and emotionally - is an important thing for children.

AndrewGarfieldsLaptop · 16/08/2023 08:13

Was this me yesterday? Ha. This is how I deal with tantrums from husband to toddlers.

Wenfy · 16/08/2023 08:20

I personally would never leave a tantruming child in a car to self-soothe. It’s cruel. It’s always a big hug until they calm.

whathappenedtosummer23 · 16/08/2023 08:33

She handled it perfectly. Exactly how I did with my 3 and they’ve all grown up to be happy non neglected teenagers.

drunkpeacock · 16/08/2023 08:47

ChekhovsMum · 15/08/2023 17:31

Actually mine would, yes because I can't bear to be touched or "mithered" with in any way if I'm upset or angry. I'll deliberately remove myself and get space to calm down. My ds is the same and has been since he was very little...we're all different.
In this case the mum was there, her dd could see her and she kept popping in, the child was safe and as far as we know this may well have been what helped the child most, a bit of space and peace to calm down.

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