To not think I did anything wrong but now I’m worried?

letmeletyougo · 2023-08-15T12:52:16+00:00

Four of my colleagues go out a lot and don’t invite me and last night they were out together so I messaged one of them and said have a good evening! :) And she’s not responded to me

Hoppinggreen · 15/08/2023 13:53

It might have looked a bit snarky

AndTheSurveySays · 15/08/2023 13:54

She didn't respond because she was out having a good time.

Moneybegreen · 15/08/2023 13:56

How many people are in the wider team/workplace?

Are you the only one not invited?

It sounds like they're an established friendship group, as opposed to just colleagues.

If you're trying to get yourself an invite I don't think that message is the way to go about it.

Original poster

letmeletyougo · 15/08/2023 13:59

Moneybegreen · 15/08/2023 13:56

How many people are in the wider team/workplace?

Are you the only one not invited?

It sounds like they're an established friendship group, as opposed to just colleagues.

If you're trying to get yourself an invite I don't think that message is the way to go about it.

Its probably a 30 person team and maybe equally half male and female.

I did go out with two of them twice before but now they seem to stick to just the same four.

OP posts:

Tartareistasty · 15/08/2023 14:01

Yeah it sounded snarky. I wouldn't answer either.
People don't have to be friends with everyone. My colleague and I went out or for lunch because we properly clicked. We didn't invite the rest. You are not the only one not invited so it's not some kind of bullying.

Sunshineclouds11 · 15/08/2023 14:03

Yeah it's abit like cheers for the invite

Rockschooldropout · 15/08/2023 14:05

She probably thought you were taking a pop at her - I’d have ignored it too

AffIt · 15/08/2023 14:05

If it's a team of 30 and four people regularly go out together, then no, that's not exclusion or bullying, it's just people making their own choices about their friendship group. I doubt that it's that they actively dislike you, OP, just they are close friends who choose to socialise together outside work.

I like the vast majority of my colleagues, but there are some I'm closer to than others and would socialise outwith immediate work settings, e.g., meet over the weekend / invite to my house etc.

Are there other people in the team you'd perhaps like to build relationships with? Perhaps invite them for lunch or a drink after work?

minou123 · 15/08/2023 14:06

I have questions

Are there only 5 of you at work?
Are you the only one left out?
Have they invited you out in the past and you have declined?

Frogmila · 15/08/2023 14:06

Tbh I wouldn't particularly have thought that needed a reply.

If you want to make work more sociable I think you should arrange some drinks yourself and see who comes along. It's fine for a few out of 30 to become closer. You're not being excluded.

Ducklake · 15/08/2023 14:09

Well what you’ve done is made the unspoken spoken.

They will probably now know you’re not overly happy about not being invited. Only time will tell what impact it will have on relationships and dynamics. You can only learn from it and adjust behaviour (or not) in the future.

Don’t be too hard on yourself most of us do little social etiquette mistakes or faux pas that we regret at some point. You’re only human.

ShineLikeA · 15/08/2023 14:09

Well, I wouldn't have viewed that as requiring a reply.

Your context makes it sound as if you feel you should be invited, though -- was your intention to provoke a response, and make those colleagues think they should include you in their social outings? Are you friends outside of work?

Original poster

letmeletyougo · 15/08/2023 14:13

ShineLikeA · 15/08/2023 14:09

Well, I wouldn't have viewed that as requiring a reply.

Your context makes it sound as if you feel you should be invited, though -- was your intention to provoke a response, and make those colleagues think they should include you in their social outings? Are you friends outside of work?

I have socialised with two of them outside of work a couple of times but now they seem to be this solid four

OP posts:

Humidititties · 15/08/2023 14:14

Then they obviously don't want you there along with the 20 odd others they didn't invite. You shouldn't have sent that message

ManateeFair · 15/08/2023 14:16

AffIt · 15/08/2023 14:05

If it's a team of 30 and four people regularly go out together, then no, that's not exclusion or bullying, it's just people making their own choices about their friendship group. I doubt that it's that they actively dislike you, OP, just they are close friends who choose to socialise together outside work.

I like the vast majority of my colleagues, but there are some I'm closer to than others and would socialise outwith immediate work settings, e.g., meet over the weekend / invite to my house etc.

Are there other people in the team you'd perhaps like to build relationships with? Perhaps invite them for lunch or a drink after work?

Agreed, it's a big team so it's not like they're singling you out. There's four of them who are friends, that's all.

It's possible your colleague thought you were having a pop at then by sending that text, but it's also possible she just didn't think it warranted a reply. I wouldn't have thought a 'have a nice evening' text required a reply even if it was sincere.

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2023 14:18

I don't see the issue with a few work colleagues going out together. They've obviously gelled as a group. Doesn't matter that you've socialised with a couple of them in the past.
I would have suggested you ask the couple you have gone out with to do something one evening but I'm afraid you've rather burnt your bridges there.
As for the person not replying - I don't look at my phone when out socialising other than give it the briefest glance - your text would have not have warranted a reply really other than 'thanks'.

Createausernameplease · 15/08/2023 14:19

You’ve likely made it awkward as the message may have come across as a tad sarky.

WhamBamThankU · 15/08/2023 14:20

You're defo not getting invited to the next one 😂

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 15/08/2023 14:22

If your team is bigger than just you and them then it was just a night out, and not an attempt at exclusion.
I think they would wonder why you text what you did, and would have thought if they had replied then they might have had a grilling from you asking why you weren’t invited. It’s horrible to feel left out, but I think you shouldn’t have text them, it wouldn’t have achieved anything. What were you expecting them to say?

redskytwonight · 15/08/2023 14:28

"have a good evening" (if delivered by text/IM) doesn't actually need a response though, does it?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 15/08/2023 14:30

What are you hoping for OP?

Future invites?
To make them feel uncomfortable?
To highlight that you know they are out without you?

Or were you genuinely hoping they had a nice evening?

MissingPiecesOfThePuzzle · 15/08/2023 14:38

They’re not obliged to invite you just because you work with them.

VeridicalVagabond · 15/08/2023 14:40

What reply were you expecting exactly? I wouldn't reply to that either, except maybe to heart or thumbs up the message

BlastedIce · 15/08/2023 14:42

Did you send it because you genuinely meant it, or as is coming across here that you were unhappy at not being invited?

TipsyAndTommy · 15/08/2023 14:42

I think 4 out of 30 is completely fine! 4 out of 5 would be mean but people are allowed to have friends and not need to invite everyone.

I was part of a similar sized team, 3 of us got in really well. One left and the 2 of us still meet up with them occasionally. There is always one person who messages 'you should have let me know you were meeting up and I'd have come' it's is just awkward all round. She is a pain in the ass (not saying you are!!) but I would never want to socialise with this person so it is just really awkward when she messages.