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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not think I did anything wrong but now I’m worried?

96 replies

letmeletyougo · 15/08/2023 13:52

Four of my colleagues go out a lot and don’t invite me and last night they were out together so I messaged one of them and said have a good evening! :)

And she’s not responded to me

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 14:47

letmeletyougo · 15/08/2023 14:13

I have socialised with two of them outside of work a couple of times but now they seem to be this solid four

Show quote history

I'm sure you understand that your colleagues are in no way obligated to spend time with you outside of work. They don't have to be your friends.

You've made a tit of yourself by sending that text.

Combusting · 15/08/2023 14:49

The question is: Why did you send the message? Your reason was ….. ?

Iwantcakeeveryday · 15/08/2023 14:49

letmeletyougo · 15/08/2023 14:13

I have socialised with two of them outside of work a couple of times but now they seem to be this solid four

Show quote history

Well thats up to them isn't it? Its not like everyone at work is invited and only you is left out.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 15/08/2023 14:51

How do you know that they were out together?

You either saw a photo on SM and sent her it - which sounds passive aggressive.

Or she texted you first - so your comment doesn’t need a reply.

Freshtomatoes · 15/08/2023 14:53

That’s not a text that really needs a reply other than maybe thanks ! You aren’t part of that friendship group of four .They know have an inkling you would like to be / feel left out . If you enjoyed going out with the other two though there is nothing to stop you suggesting an evening out with them or one of them ? Friendships are not exclusive.

PerspiringElizabeth · 15/08/2023 14:57

Not sure what you wanted from sending that message?

  1. it sounds bitter - ‘thanks for the invite!’ - which doesn’t make you seem like you’d be good company
  2. there was no question in your message or anything requiring a response
  3. i would be even more determined not to reply or invite you tbh… would be pretty bloody awkward with everyone knowing you’re only invited because you essentially snarkily asked to be
yellowsmileyface · 15/08/2023 15:07

I also want to know why you sent the text. You obviously feel a reply was warranted, which suggests you were hoping to get something from it.

It's a bit random, which is why many would interpret it as snarky or passive aggressive.

MissBiljanaElectronika · 15/08/2023 15:08

Maybe they’ll ask you next time

or you could ask them

what sort of reply were you hoping for?

VictoriaVenkman · 15/08/2023 15:14

Why did you message her?

Original poster
letmeletyougo · 15/08/2023 15:16

I messaged because I felt hurt

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 15/08/2023 15:16

Oh OP 😟 I'm embarrassed for you (while understanding the impulse!)

There's no way that doesn't come across as snarky ... I'd ignore it too.

Just put it behind you & maybe focus on developing a friendship group of your own?

AuntieMarys · 15/08/2023 15:17

I'm cringing on your behalf

EarringsandLipstick · 15/08/2023 15:19

letmeletyougo · 15/08/2023 15:16

I messaged because I felt hurt

Cross-posted.

Sorry to hear that OP. I understand that but you've really gone the wrong way about it.

The only way you might have been able to deal with it is to have discussed it openly with one of your colleagues.

This was petty. And childish.

If you could, I'd briefly speak to her & acknowledge the text was a mistake, then leave it there.

yellowsmileyface · 15/08/2023 15:19

letmeletyougo · 15/08/2023 15:16

I messaged because I felt hurt

In that case, can you see how the message was passive aggressive? You used a positive sentiment to express a negative feeling.

It's better to be more direct with people. You were hurt already and you've acted on it in a way that will have further driven a wedge between you and them.

Erdinger · 15/08/2023 15:20

Why did you send the message ? Did you genuinely wish them a good evening or were you being sarcastic ? Irrespective, that sort of message doesn’t necessitate a response from them at any rate. Possibly shouldn’t have sent it but best to let it go.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 15/08/2023 15:24

yellowsmileyface · 15/08/2023 15:19

In that case, can you see how the message was passive aggressive? You used a positive sentiment to express a negative feeling.

It's better to be more direct with people. You were hurt already and you've acted on it in a way that will have further driven a wedge between you and them.

Show quote history

Exactly this.

Why not message these women or anyone from work and ask if they want to go out next weekend or to a particular event.

Being passive aggressive is not the way to make friends as they’ll think you’re just difficult.

Its really difficult to integrate yourself into an established friendship group and they understandably want to go out with just them sometimes.

My best friend lived near another girl who would want to come out with us. We loved her and her company but it was never the same and sometimes we’d go out just us. We felt bad and it was nothing against the girl but sometimes it is nice having time with just certain people.

Curseofthenation · 15/08/2023 15:24

You sound needy and irritating. I wouldn't invite you out with my other solid group of work friends either.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 15:25

letmeletyougo · 15/08/2023 15:16

I messaged because I felt hurt

If you think sending this kind of passive-aggressive twattery is acceptable, it's not a big surprise that they don't want to socialise with you. This is not how a mature adult behaves.

GingerIsBest · 15/08/2023 15:26

I'm afraid that was very passive aggressive of you and if you have form for that, it might well be the reason you are not part of this foursome. I'm sorry.

there are lots of reasons why a small group within a much bigger group might become better friends usually to do with some combination of common interests, age and "stage" as my sister would say. As it's 4 out of 30, it's not being exclusionary for you not to be invited. Although if you want to be good friends with them, I can see why you are hurt.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 15/08/2023 15:27

Interesting replies here.

You could take the view that it will only come over as snarky if they have something to feel guilty about. Do they?

Otherwise, it would come across as a "have fun" text.

Caprisunny · 15/08/2023 15:30

So you sent a snarky message because you think they should be obliged to invite you.

But you didn’t think at the time you did anything wrong?

Now you think you did? Of course you did.

Thata so rude. This sounds like the ‘I complained my colleagues don’t invite me out. So they did, now I don’t want to go’ poster

VictoriaVenkman · 15/08/2023 15:31

letmeletyougo · 15/08/2023 15:16

I messaged because I felt hurt

In that case it is no wonder she has not responded. As others have said, it is a passive aggressive move and will not have gone over well. Sorry OP.

Iouise · 15/08/2023 15:32

You messaged because you were hurt, but you have no right to be hurt. People can go out with whoever they want to. You messaged being sarky, it will have been read as that.

Caprisunny · 15/08/2023 15:32

enchantedsquirrelwood · 15/08/2023 15:27

Interesting replies here.

You could take the view that it will only come over as snarky if they have something to feel guilty about. Do they?

Otherwise, it would come across as a "have fun" text.

I disagree.

If I was out with a few colleagues and another colleague texted me like that out of the blue, I would think it was really odd and passive aggressive. I would assume she wanted me to know, she knew we were out without her.

and I wouldn’t feel guilty or like I was doing anything wrong at all. Even after the text.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 15/08/2023 15:32

Woah - some very harsh responses on here accusing this woman of being 'twattish', 'passive-aggressive and 'awkward' over a fairly innocuous text.... Grow up everyone!! Sounds like a load of judgey, bitchy girls at school. Accusing her of making a big deal out of it...when you are all in fact making a big deal out of it!

OP - the chances are the person you sent it to, saw it, either thought a. That's nice & forgot to reply OR b. Just didn't think much at all about it all because they were busy socialising. Don't sweat it. Just carry on doing you and don't read too much into it all. It will not even be thought of in a year's time, so not worth it. 😀