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Original poster

To not think I did anything wrong but now I’m worried?

96 replies

letmeletyougo · 15/08/2023 13:52

Four of my colleagues go out a lot and don’t invite me and last night they were out together so I messaged one of them and said have a good evening! :)

And she’s not responded to me

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 15/08/2023 15:33

enchantedsquirrelwood · 15/08/2023 15:27

Interesting replies here.

You could take the view that it will only come over as snarky if they have something to feel guilty about. Do they?

Otherwise, it would come across as a "have fun" text.

not sure I agree. A small group of women who were good friends in my office all heading out to the pub and a cheery, "have a good evening" from me as they leave is very different to getting to the pub and getting a text, out of the blue, from me saying, "have a good evening". I think most people with even a modicum of emotional IQ would see the difference.

neverbeenskiing · 15/08/2023 15:39

enchantedsquirrelwood · 15/08/2023 15:27

Interesting replies here.

You could take the view that it will only come over as snarky if they have something to feel guilty about. Do they?

Otherwise, it would come across as a "have fun" text.

Except that OP has admitted it was a passive aggressive dig at them because she felt "hurt" that she wasn't invited. They'd have to be totally oblivious to think she was texting to wish them a genuinely nice. It will have been obvious what OP was getting at, hence no reply and hence she has now posted here because she's embarrassed.

Amberjane41 · 15/08/2023 15:39

Oh no I bet they all passed that message between them and had a right conversation about that!! We had a woman who was a bit like this in our work. We would meet up with her on some things and then a few of us went to football and then out after. She hates football and doesn’t support our team so it didn’t even enter any of our heads to invite her. Apparently she was upset as we should have invited her to the drinks bit after!! Now we all feel a bit weird around her and don’t really want to include her. Your friend you txt was probably asked by someone else in the group if she wanted to join them. If you want to do stuff with these 4 people maybe you could arrange something and ask them if they want to go out with you? Rather than just automatically expecting an invite to their social occasions.

redskytwonight · 15/08/2023 15:42

Woah - some very harsh responses on here accusing this woman of being 'twattish', 'passive-aggressive and 'awkward' over a fairly innocuous text.... Grow up everyone!! Sounds like a load of judgey, bitchy girls at school. Accusing her of making a big deal out of it...when you are all in fact making a big deal out of it!

Well, strictly OP is the one making a big deal out of it but even creating a post about it.

I said "have a nice evening" to my colleague before she left yesterday; she waved (I was on a Teams call) and I've managed to move on with my life without worrying I said the wrong thing or creating a MN post about it.

DrDaedalus · 15/08/2023 15:42

Yabu and passive aggressive.

You may have made your hurt feeling obvious. You have also made it less likely to receive a future invitation, which is probably the opposite of what you wanted.

I might respond to a text if I thought the sentiment really was to have a good night. I probably would not do this when I was out, so probably not straight away.

LaTartine · 15/08/2023 15:45

redskytwonight · 15/08/2023 15:42

Woah - some very harsh responses on here accusing this woman of being 'twattish', 'passive-aggressive and 'awkward' over a fairly innocuous text.... Grow up everyone!! Sounds like a load of judgey, bitchy girls at school. Accusing her of making a big deal out of it...when you are all in fact making a big deal out of it!

Well, strictly OP is the one making a big deal out of it but even creating a post about it.

I said "have a nice evening" to my colleague before she left yesterday; she waved (I was on a Teams call) and I've managed to move on with my life without worrying I said the wrong thing or creating a MN post about it.

Precisely!
Op knows it wasn't a great idea to do this.
It's either fawning or snarky and people aren't keen on either behaviour.

Telling people to grow up, bitchy school girls etc
😬
Noooo not an overreaction at all!😂

category12 · 15/08/2023 15:49

I think as others have said, if it were a small team and you were the only one not invited, then it would be hurtful.

But given it's 26 people that aren't invited, you're taking it very personally.

noadvice · 15/08/2023 15:52

That’s a shame you felt hurt but these people are obviously proper friends (not just work friends) and your lack is invite probably isn’t anything personal!

Best thing to do is to ask one of them how the night out was in person next time you see them so that your message seems genuine rather than passive aggressive. If you want to hang out with this person maybe say something like “sounds like a fun night! I was wondering if you fancied going for a drink soon/to event X?”

Maybe focus on trying to be friends with one or two from the group and organising something with them, but I’d let go of trying to be part of the four as that doesn’t seem to be happening.

HarrietJet · 15/08/2023 15:53

Why were you hurt, op? It's a group of 4 friends who have never included either you or the other 25 members of staff.

Tartareistasty · 15/08/2023 15:53

I am waiting for some drip feed here.

The fact that someone socialised with 2 of the 4 couple of times doesn't mean invite to group of 4 outing and therefore, "hurt" is just irrational conclusion here

Divebar2021 · 15/08/2023 15:59

Have you tried to arrange anything yourself? I started to make an effort to go out after work ( exhibitions then drinks ) and after a short while a colleague started tagging along and we became friends. Then 2 more people started to join us. I doubt that we would have had any nights as a foursome if I had waited for someone else to do it.

Laiste · 15/08/2023 16:01

You say you messaged because you were hurt. So ... you meant to make them think of you and feel bad about leaving you out.

Why are you asking here if you did anything wrong? You've admitted it wasn't an innocent happy text.

If your intention was to be snarky you achieved it.
If your intention was to make them include you in future you've fucked it up.

Genuinely, are you surprised she didn't answer? What are you going to do now?

BlastedIce · 15/08/2023 16:01

letmeletyougo · 15/08/2023 15:16

I messaged because I felt hurt

That’s why you got no response!

Do you want to be “that” person that’s invited because people feel obliged?

MandyFriend · 15/08/2023 16:07

The text may be a little bit passive-aggressive, but it's hard when you are excluded from a friendship group with people you have socialised with in the past. There could be many different reasons why they like to stick to just the four of them that have nothing to do with you as a person. It could just be logistics, as in it is much easier to get a table for four in a pub or restaurant, you can all fit into one taxi, that kind of thing. Try not to feel too hurt and my advice would be to let it go and find some different friends. Maybe cast your net a little wider than work colleagues as you often end up talking shop on nights out and you get will end up getting sick of the sight of 'em too!!!

Fallingthroughclouds · 15/08/2023 16:08

I get it, it's horrible when you feel left out, but there is nothing you can do about it. Just be pleasant and don't mention their evenings out again. 26 people were also not invited, so you're not in the minority.

Hummingbird89 · 15/08/2023 16:09

YABU Childish and passive aggressive, OP.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 15/08/2023 16:10

BlastedIce · 15/08/2023 16:01

That’s why you got no response!

Do you want to be “that” person that’s invited because people feel obliged?

Show quote history

I doubt she will be that person tbf because I can't see them inviting her to anything now!

People are allowed to make friends within a team. It's the same at the school gates, people are allowed to make friends and not include everyone.

Clearly their outing wasn't an open event, it was restricted to four individuals who wanted to spend time together. That doesn't mean you weren't liked. It doesn't mean you aren't valued in the team. It just means they see each other as closer

Savagepuma · 15/08/2023 16:13

OP, I completely understand your feelings and where you are coming from, but - just leave it, don't try to make them invite you or be friends with you if they don't want to. I know it hurts, but you don't want them to be fakely nice to you, that's even worse, believe me

PoshPineapple · 15/08/2023 16:13

If I was the recipient, I really wouldn't have read "have a nice time". This is what I would have seen "I know you're out without me, I hope you have a crap evening"

drpet49 · 15/08/2023 16:16

Humidititties · 15/08/2023 14:14

Then they obviously don't want you there along with the 20 odd others they didn't invite. You shouldn't have sent that message

This!

amusedbush · 15/08/2023 16:18

If your intention was to be snarky you achieved it. If your intention was to make them include you in future you've fucked it up.

Agreed. They're not obliged to include you and you've now made yourself look a bit petty and childish. I don't know what you were thinking when you sent that text but regardless, I wouldn't expect any future invitations from them.

Tartareistasty · 15/08/2023 16:21

MandyFriend · 15/08/2023 16:07

The text may be a little bit passive-aggressive, but it's hard when you are excluded from a friendship group with people you have socialised with in the past. There could be many different reasons why they like to stick to just the four of them that have nothing to do with you as a person. It could just be logistics, as in it is much easier to get a table for four in a pub or restaurant, you can all fit into one taxi, that kind of thing. Try not to feel too hurt and my advice would be to let it go and find some different friends. Maybe cast your net a little wider than work colleagues as you often end up talking shop on nights out and you get will end up getting sick of the sight of 'em too!!!

Tbf op wasn't even actually excluded from her friendship group. Only 2 out of 4 have socialised with her before couple of times. It's absolutely fone not to be invited to different group setting then. You are not automatically your friend's friend even if you know each other.
The two may have been happy to meet up in a future but honestly, I am sure they clocked onto what the message was really.

I hope op is taking lesson from this for future and will understand that one doesn't have to be invited to everything some friends do

HakunaMatiłda · 15/08/2023 16:24

How pathetic.

Purditnin · 15/08/2023 16:25

letmeletyougo · 15/08/2023 15:16

I messaged because I felt hurt

For some reason, this broke my heart a little bit. I’m sorry, OP.

Appleass · 15/08/2023 16:28

You were rather churlish and its unlikely you will be invited in future after that text.

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