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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not having children overnight?

83 replies

BananaSlug · 14/08/2023 21:47

Broke up with ex 6 years ago. Since then he has never once had the kids overnight. Always excuses. People keep telling me you can't force a parent to parent and to just get on with it but aibu to ask him if he ever plans to have them overnight?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 14/08/2023 21:50

My dad never had me overnight either.

Morechocmorechoc · 14/08/2023 21:50

Do your kids want an overnight with him. If he can't be bothered I'd be worried about them there

whosTHATgirllalala · 14/08/2023 21:52

Iv been through the same thing, unfortunately you can't make him want them, even if he refuses there is nothing you can do. Can't force him.

It sucks, for your children and you of course to have a bit of breathing space.

His loss.

vodkaredbullgirl · 14/08/2023 21:52

If he has not had them overnight in 6 years, what make's you think he will change.

Wishitsnows · 14/08/2023 21:52

Sadly another shit man out there that people will fall over themselves saying he a great dad with the bare shitty minimum he puts in to parenting

LAlD · 14/08/2023 21:53

Lucky you. I hate it when my kids go to their father’s.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 14/08/2023 21:54

Imo you will both reap what you have sowed in the future....
The relationships you have with your adult dc and subsequently any dgc.... Your ex ime will die a sad,lonely man.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 14/08/2023 21:56

LAlD · 14/08/2023 21:53

Lucky you. I hate it when my kids go to their father’s.

Well I have a disabled child and need a break so I'm not going to feel guilty for that!

OP posts:
CandyflossKaren · 14/08/2023 21:57

Does he have the space/set up?

Original poster
BananaSlug · 14/08/2023 21:59

He could make the space in order to have them. I'm not lucky he doesn't have them I am not coping and need him to step up

OP posts:
NewName122 · 14/08/2023 22:04

LAlD · 14/08/2023 21:53

Lucky you. I hate it when my kids go to their father’s.

That must be really tough for you, co-parenting. Even though it's the best thing for the children. OPs kids should be jealous of yours shouldn't they, having an actively involved dad and all. 🙄 OP you should be lucky you're not this person. (Yes I'm bloody joking)

WhosTHATgirllala · 14/08/2023 22:04

BananaSlug · 14/08/2023 21:59

He could make the space in order to have them. I'm not lucky he doesn't have them I am not coping and need him to step up

So sorry you're dealing with a AH.
do you have any family or ex family that would have your DC so that you could get to breathe?

Dancesalong · 14/08/2023 22:07

Go to family court get a visitation schedule and overnights built in

ItsNotRocketSalad · 14/08/2023 22:07

Of course you're not unreasonable to ask but you know what the answer will be. I hope he at least pays decent maintenance, though I suspect I know what that answer will be, too.

Are you comfortable sharing what disability/ies your child has? It might help people signpost organisations that could help with respite.

CandyflossKaren · 14/08/2023 22:08

Dancesalong · 14/08/2023 22:07

Go to family court get a visitation schedule and overnights built in

How would that be enforced? It can't be

ItsNotRocketSalad · 14/08/2023 22:09

Dancesalong · 14/08/2023 22:07

Go to family court get a visitation schedule and overnights built in

How would that help? The court would rule that the OP has to make the children available for contact at set times on set dates, but they can't force the useless father to take them. All it would do is restrict the OP further.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 14/08/2023 22:10

Thank you but not looking for respite i want the father to step up. I have no family help. I am a prisoner in my own home at this point as I can't take my daughter out anymore and can't cope with her behaviour so no im not lucky.

OP posts:
Mylovelygreendress · 14/08/2023 22:13

Dancesalong · 14/08/2023 22:07

Go to family court get a visitation schedule and overnights built in

I see this statement and variations of it time and time again on MN but you cannot force an absent parent ( usually a father) to see his DC far less have them overnight .And do you actually want to send your DC to someone who isn’t interested ?

greyhairnomore · 14/08/2023 22:21

Dancesalong · 14/08/2023 22:07

Go to family court get a visitation schedule and overnights built in

Impossible to make someone have their kids.

SemperIdem · 14/08/2023 22:23

I always think it is odd when a parent doesn’t want to parent as much as they are reasonably able - so directly asking him about his intentions to have them overnight is fine, in my opinion.

RoseMartha · 14/08/2023 22:23

My ex has only had the dc 10 nights in four years and 7 of those were a holiday.

He doesn't seem keen to repeat the experience.

It is frustrating, I understand how you feel. I am currently struggling for him to have them in the day. And then he moans he hasn't seen them. It is all on his terms as when he has a day off and whether he has other plans or not. He also moans when support professionals do not contact him and has been told that if he parented more he would be included more. I guess basically he is a disney dad.

You can ask him to have them and see what happens. The holiday was a response of me repeatedly asking him to have them more. Since the holiday he has seen them less.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/08/2023 22:26

That’s so shitty OP, for your and for your children.

I think there’s two things though - his lack of a proper relationship with your joint children, and your need for respite.

Unfortunately you can’t make him step up, much as he obviously should. Even though you say by ours not looking for respite care, maybe that is what is needed?

cestlavielife · 14/08/2023 22:27

BananaSlug · 14/08/2023 22:10

Thank you but not looking for respite i want the father to step up. I have no family help. I am a prisoner in my own home at this point as I can't take my daughter out anymore and can't cope with her behaviour so no im not lucky.

If he wont he wont.
Take respite as you entitled to it

panko · 14/08/2023 22:28

Have you told him his maintenance goes down if he does enough?

LylaLee · 14/08/2023 22:29

It's times like this when I wish public shaming was a thing. If all his mates and coworkers knew, I bet he would shape up.