Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not having children overnight?

83 replies

BananaSlug · 14/08/2023 21:47

Broke up with ex 6 years ago. Since then he has never once had the kids overnight. Always excuses. People keep telling me you can't force a parent to parent and to just get on with it but aibu to ask him if he ever plans to have them overnight?

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright2 · 14/08/2023 22:33

You can ask . Of course you are not unreasonable to ask but assuming your child has high care needs or doesn’t sleep well I expect you will get the same sorry list of excuses .

ChristmasCrumpet · 14/08/2023 22:35

LylaLee · 14/08/2023 22:29

It's times like this when I wish public shaming was a thing. If all his mates and coworkers knew, I bet he would shape up.

Oh, how I would love this. I wonder how many of these heroes are the ones saying "she won't even let me see them" to anyone who will listen. They should be made to be accountable.

Anyway, sorry OP, but the world can be shit and it's not fair, and there's nothing you can do.

I know you know there's nothing you can do, and I guess it helps to vent about it.

If there's no option for him to have them overnight, what other options can you look at? A baby sitter once in a while. Friends helping out? Can any of them go on a sleep over? Family?

WhosTHATgirllala · 14/08/2023 22:43

Dancesalong · 14/08/2023 22:07

Go to family court get a visitation schedule and overnights built in

The court will not MAKE the dad have them at any given time, unfortunately the dad can take
Mam to court over visits, if he wanted just days that's what they'd grant him.
No law can make a parent step up unfortunately.

I actually tried to take my ex to court because he refused to have DC.
Solicitor laughed, can't make a parent want their children.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/08/2023 22:48

Safer sounds like he a crap dad and cba 🥲

He's isn't going to step up and be a dad

You need a break so take the respite

That's what is is there for

Original poster
BananaSlug · 14/08/2023 22:55

I'm not involving social services absolutely no chance of that. He is the only option really. I don't have family or friends that will take them they cannot cope with my daughters behaviour and family don't want to know anyway.

OP posts:
LylaLee · 15/08/2023 00:14

BananaSlug · 14/08/2023 22:55

I'm not involving social services absolutely no chance of that. He is the only option really. I don't have family or friends that will take them they cannot cope with my daughters behaviour and family don't want to know anyway.

Why don't you want to ask social services for help?

Original poster
BananaSlug · 15/08/2023 00:23

I'm not sure many parents want social services involved? I don't want the intrusion or my kids taken away because I'm struggling. Dont want my kids put on plans and the stigma surrounding it. Social services involvement would make me feel more stressed not less. Would hate to have someone coming here judging my house which is often messy because my kids mess it up. I just want the other parent to step up as he is just as responsible for them.

OP posts:
MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 15/08/2023 00:56

My ex hasn't had the DC overnight for more than 6 years so you have my full sympathy. It's totally shit of these fathers to act like that towards their own dc.

Jackienory · 15/08/2023 02:22

LylaLee · 14/08/2023 22:29

It's times like this when I wish public shaming was a thing. If all his mates and coworkers knew, I bet he would shape up.

I’m not sure about that. I have a colleague who never sees his kids, and makes no secret of it. Nobody really cares. He’s very good at his job and is always happy to help with other. That’s all ppl are concerned about. They just want to get on with their work and go home.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 15/08/2023 02:24

Yeah sadly his friends know he has kids he doesn't bother with but they don't care i imagine he tells them I don't let him take them.

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 15/08/2023 02:33

Can you force the issue? Maybe something happens while you are visiting a friend a few hours away when he has the kids and you can’t make it back?

CallItLoneliness · 15/08/2023 02:49

OP, with kindness, you have solution fixity. You need a break, their dad should have them. Both of these things are true, but you cannot force him to have them (and you cannot be sure of their safety or comfort if you do). Him having them, while it should be something he actively wants, isn't going to be the solution here. Time to start looking for other solutions: is he paying all the maintenance he owes, since he never has them overnight? Could you use this to pay for respite? Could you access respite by means other than social services (e.g. your GP?) Is there anyone who could take the kids for a couple of hours even so you can think about next steps?

LylaLee · 15/08/2023 03:18

BananaSlug · 14/08/2023 22:55

I'm not involving social services absolutely no chance of that. He is the only option really. I don't have family or friends that will take them they cannot cope with my daughters behaviour and family don't want to know anyway.

I've not worked in social services, but had clients with involvement.

The story they would tell people is 'social services took my kids off me for no reason!'

Having seen their file, the truth would be that both they and their partners would have drug and alcohol issues & chaotic lifestyles, neglect, kids not going to school. Even then, their children would not be taken. Only when something like when they move in with a convicted sex offender would the children eventually be taken. (He's innocent!)

I've known a lot of hard working social workers doing everything they can to support parents. And it's cheaper for a council to arrange a day a month of respite care, than to take a child away and put them in a placement. Even if you don't trust their motives, you know they will always choose what's cheapest for them.

PeanutButterOnToad · 15/08/2023 03:40

That is truly shit but as a mediator of many years I know it is only too true that you can’t force anyone to step up with their kids. My most depressing cases were always when dad refused to do more than he wanted to when mum really needed a co-parent.

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 04:01

Dancesalong · 14/08/2023 22:07

Go to family court get a visitation schedule and overnights built in

It doesn't work like that

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 04:02

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 15/08/2023 02:33

Can you force the issue? Maybe something happens while you are visiting a friend a few hours away when he has the kids and you can’t make it back?

I hope that is not a genuine suggestion

MansfieldLark · 15/08/2023 04:15

How can he have them in a shared house?

JaukiVexnoydi · 15/08/2023 04:33

I haven't voted because it's the wrong question.
You're a brilliant mum, doing allthe tough work of parenting single handed. He's a crap dad and a total waste of space and oxygen. You can't change people. You couldn't make him into a decent human being when you were together and you certainly aren't going to suddenly achieve the power to argue him into becoming one now you are his ex. He is who he is.

And given that, it's actually not in your kids' best interests to spend more time with him. Of course it would be good for them to spend more time, including overnights, with a dad who was engaged, capable and a good parent (so yanbu to wish this was the case) but that's not possible because it's not who he is. So yabu to push your kids into a situation that wouldn't be good for them.

I am sure you need a break and could do with a decent human being as co-parent so that you could reliably have some down time. Sorry you aren't getting this. Look elsewhere for the support network you need. Your own parents, siblings and friends will be more reliable than trying to make your ex have a personality change.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 15/08/2023 13:39

My family won’t have them and I’m not sure why I should ask or expect them to more than the father? Trust me I’ve tried but My family won’t have them, my dad is a wheelchair user he can’t have them, if he could he would but he can’t. As for my mum we haven’t spoken since December and she isn’t a very nice person she has my brothers children every week but won’t have mine because she favours his children over mine and has always been open about that. I can’t make them have them any more than I can him. I don’t have friends that can have them either.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 15/08/2023 13:45

YANBU to ask him to do more.

unfortunately you can’t make him. My ex went to court and got an order to say he had our girls EOW and half the holidays and special occasions. He didn’t actually take them though and nobody could make him.

Are there any charities linked to your DD’s condition. We had a lovely, but ultimately useless social worker. Recently though another parent put me on to a charity and not only has it become a good support network, but we’ve actually found a respite carer who has experience of my DDs condition (her own, now adult, child has the same thing). She takes DD out once a week or minds her when I go out and it’s a great help. She even came with us recently went we all went on a big day out. Social services weren’t able to find us respite despite having a budget, but this charity was.

girlfriend44 · 15/08/2023 13:51

BananaSlug · 14/08/2023 22:55

I'm not involving social services absolutely no chance of that. He is the only option really. I don't have family or friends that will take them they cannot cope with my daughters behaviour and family don't want to know anyway.

Perhaps he can't cope either, and that's why he's not having her overnight.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 15/08/2023 13:53

girlfriend44 · 15/08/2023 13:51

Perhaps he can't cope either, and that's why he's not having her overnight.

Show quote history

He doesn’t see to care if I can cope? I have no choice though? He has never tried? He would cope better than me as he is stronger and faster than me so could manage her behaviour more easily, he only needs to have her once a week/ fortnight / month! Not asking for a lot is it?! I have her the rest of the time.

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 15/08/2023 14:09

You can't make him. I've never had a break from mine, and I had a non sleeper until she was 8.
It's grim but you can only drag yourself through week by week.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 15/08/2023 14:56

I’m not planning to force him but surely I should bring it up? Right now he probably thinks I’m ok with him not having them overnight if I haven’t asked? Why shouldn’t I challenge him on it or I should just quietly accept it?

it seems to be acceptable to not see your children on MN if they are challenging so there are cases when it’s acceptable for a father to not have their children? He doesn’t know what her behaviour is like he has never tried.

OP posts:
MansfieldLark · 15/08/2023 15:36

Does he have room for her if she stays with him?

Swipe left for the next trending thread