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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not having children overnight?

83 replies

BananaSlug · 14/08/2023 21:47

Broke up with ex 6 years ago. Since then he has never once had the kids overnight. Always excuses. People keep telling me you can't force a parent to parent and to just get on with it but aibu to ask him if he ever plans to have them overnight?

OP posts:
ChristmasCrumpet · 15/08/2023 15:41

Right now he probably thinks I’m ok with him not having them overnight if I haven’t asked

Seriously.

You haven't even asked him? That might be a good place to start.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 15/08/2023 15:44

ChristmasCrumpet · 15/08/2023 15:41

Right now he probably thinks I’m ok with him not having them overnight if I haven’t asked

Seriously.

You haven't even asked him? That might be a good place to start.

Yeah years ago and he made it clear he wouldn’t but I hoped the situation would change but it hasn’t and he seems to have no intention so I want to bring it up again

OP posts:
NoTouch · 15/08/2023 15:45

What are the excuses you say he comes up with when you have asked in the past?

Original poster
BananaSlug · 15/08/2023 15:46

MansfieldLark · 15/08/2023 15:36

Does he have room for her if she stays with him?

Yes the shared house is his house.

Those that mentioned the maintenance being a reason to make him want to have them he doesn’t pay any maintenance so that isn’t a selling point unfortunately.

OP posts:
ChristmasCrumpet · 15/08/2023 15:49

Do you have 4DC?

mindutopia · 15/08/2023 16:06

What is best for the kids? My dad never had me overnight either. It was for the best. He was a rubbish parent and wouldn't have coped. In fact, while he came to visit me, at my (mum's) house or would come to an activity I was doing (my birthday party, a sports competition, etc.), he never really had me for like a 'day out' either. He would come for a visit like any other lunch guest and go home after. While I don't doubt this was probably a bit shit in some ways for my mum, though she had a lot of family support so did get breaks, didn't have to worry about childcare before/after school or during school holidays, I don't feel like I missed out at all. I felt comfortable with the set up and would not have wanted to go for overnights with my dad.

RobertaFirmino · 15/08/2023 16:11

Aside from the overnights issue, perhaps we might be able to help with your daughters behaviour. I get that you don't want to ask SS but I can almost guarantee that there will be someone else reading this thread who will have very similar problems and might be able to offer some helpful advice.

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/08/2023 16:12

why doesn't he pay maintenance? For FOUR kids? Have you opened a claim with CMS?

1smallhamsterfoot · 15/08/2023 16:41

You post about this pretty regularly on different usernames and the advice is always the same, what help are you looking for?

ItsNotRocketSalad · 15/08/2023 16:42

1smallhamsterfoot · 15/08/2023 16:41

You post about this pretty regularly on different usernames and the advice is always the same, what help are you looking for?

Maybe she just wants to rant about how fucking awful the situation is?

LAlD · 15/08/2023 17:14

NewName122 · 14/08/2023 22:04

That must be really tough for you, co-parenting. Even though it's the best thing for the children. OPs kids should be jealous of yours shouldn't they, having an actively involved dad and all. 🙄 OP you should be lucky you're not this person. (Yes I'm bloody joking)

Show quote history

It is. Because my kids don't like going there. It's hugely unsettling for them.

cestlavielife · 15/08/2023 17:27

BananaSlug · 15/08/2023 00:23

I'm not sure many parents want social services involved? I don't want the intrusion or my kids taken away because I'm struggling. Dont want my kids put on plans and the stigma surrounding it. Social services involvement would make me feel more stressed not less. Would hate to have someone coming here judging my house which is often messy because my kids mess it up. I just want the other parent to step up as he is just as responsible for them.

You can "want"but you cannot control his behaviour or what he chooses to do or not do

The reality is that Social workers for children with disabilities are gatekeepers for respite so unless you can self fund it is what it is.
Most of us with dc with disabilities have to deal with ss otherwise no respite.

They unlikely to judge or care about a messy house, you have kids
They not going to take kids away unless they at risk

You need contingency where will kids go if you get sick/hospital?
Is there someone to step in?

1smallhamsterfoot · 15/08/2023 17:59

ItsNotRocketSalad · 15/08/2023 16:42

Maybe she just wants to rant about how fucking awful the situation is?

Show quote history

Maybe so. That’s why I asked 🙄

Readingisgoodforyou · 15/08/2023 18:06

My wanker of an ex has never had my kids overnight either. Not once in 7 years apart from a fishing trip for 2 nights. The sun still shines out of his arse according to the kids too. Absolutely infuriating.

ChristmasCrumpet · 15/08/2023 18:41

1smallhamsterfoot · 15/08/2023 16:41

You post about this pretty regularly on different usernames and the advice is always the same, what help are you looking for?

Yeah, I thought the same, hence the "have you got 4dc?" I asked.

I genuinely don't know why she posts this same thing like 5 times a month, shuts down every single other option of anyone ever being able to have her children, then keeps on with the "I want him to have them." Ignoring anyone who says, sorry, but it's tough luck, you can't.

You have to wonder what this achieves. Attention? I don't know. Needing to vent is one thing, but this appears, virtually every week, and every week nothing has changed. Maybe that's why the different usernames.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 15/08/2023 18:44

You know you don’t HAVE to comment. No one else will have them so your suggestion of “she shuts down suggestions that anyone else should have them” no one will. Who are you suggesting has them? Do you know my life? No clearly not as no one else will! Why shouldn’t I expect the father to take responsibility?

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 15/08/2023 18:49

BananaSlug · 15/08/2023 18:44

You know you don’t HAVE to comment. No one else will have them so your suggestion of “she shuts down suggestions that anyone else should have them” no one will. Who are you suggesting has them? Do you know my life? No clearly not as no one else will! Why shouldn’t I expect the father to take responsibility?

believing that he should step up and help is fair enough

However, if he won’t your choices end up being continue expecting then and getting nowhere, or find another option.

Soeak to him. Then if he says no explore the other options suggested

Have you gone to CMS for maintenance?

ChristmasCrumpet · 15/08/2023 18:50

No,it's more, if you already know all the answers, as you've got so many of this identical thread already...what are you expecting from posting the same thing again?

Genuine question. You know he won't have them. You know no one else will. What is the purpose of asking the same question every week to get the same answer, that there's nothing you can do.

OhmygodDont · 15/08/2023 18:56

Say you could force him. Would you want that? Would you trust he would actually look after the children?

because a shitty parent who’s so shit they had to be legally forced to watch their own children I don’t see really doing much parenting or watching.

Neonyellowfish · 15/08/2023 19:00

I wouldn’t bother. He hasn’t had them in 6 years. He’s not going to change his mind and start having them now.

Proudgypsy · 15/08/2023 19:02

So just to be clear-

You don't want any outside help from social services or other agencies.
You don't ask him, or at least haven't for years.
Yet you expect change?

Original poster
BananaSlug · 15/08/2023 19:05

Proudgypsy · 15/08/2023 19:02

So just to be clear-

You don't want any outside help from social services or other agencies.
You don't ask him, or at least haven't for years.
Yet you expect change?

Because I’ve accepted the narrative that you “can’t force someone to be a parent” so gave up asking?

fwiw I’ve had experience with ss which is why I don’t want further involvement with them, the social worker was extremely unpleasant and do you know what her advice was? To contact my ex, yes that’s it’s contact my ex and beg him to be involved when I told her he wasn’t interested she told me I should try to email him and it isn’t about me it’s about the kids. So they’ve told me themselves I should be asking him to step up.

OP posts:
ChristmasCrumpet · 15/08/2023 19:07

Proudgypsy · 15/08/2023 19:02

So just to be clear-

You don't want any outside help from social services or other agencies.
You don't ask him, or at least haven't for years.
Yet you expect change?

All correct.

And this is asked on a weekly basis. I really would love to know why.

It's just "but why shouldn't I expect him too?" over and over. Expect is just a personal thought. Nothing more than that.

Should I expect him too? Yes. Now what?

Proudgypsy · 15/08/2023 19:08

Good to know @ChristmasCrumpet thank you, first I've seen

cestlavielife · 15/08/2023 19:57

BananaSlug · 15/08/2023 19:05

Because I’ve accepted the narrative that you “can’t force someone to be a parent” so gave up asking?

fwiw I’ve had experience with ss which is why I don’t want further involvement with them, the social worker was extremely unpleasant and do you know what her advice was? To contact my ex, yes that’s it’s contact my ex and beg him to be involved when I told her he wasn’t interested she told me I should try to email him and it isn’t about me it’s about the kids. So they’ve told me themselves I should be asking him to step up.

Show quote history

That is one person. Who was maybd making a suggestion but you tell them no. Ask to speak to their boss
Ask them to contact the ex