How would you feel if you were asked to not bring video games on holiday?

[Videogame0]

Ds is neurodiverse and we’ve been seeing a really fantastic specialist to help us help him.

He’s seven, and one thing she’s pointed out that we’d noticed too is that video games make him a LOT worse (he feels terrible afterwards and he obsesses over them - I mean obsesses). We are putting very strict restrictions on them, on her advice. So far, it’s working. (I’d like to get rid of them completely but that seems unfair now - also, he lives in this world and they’re everywhere so I can’t do that to him!)

We’re due to go on holiday with another family next week, with an 8-year-old and a 5-year-old.

If they play their video games while away (we’re sharing a house), obviously DS will play too otherwise it just feels cruel.

We’re now thinking: do we just suck up the fact that the week will be full of terrible tantrums / behaviour from DS? Or do we ask the family not to bring gaming devices?

It’s very awkward to ask. But I don’t know how attached NT kids are to them!

AIBU to ask? Happy to hear I am, and just put up with however it will be.

I think it’s fine for you to ask but also fine for them to say no. I think you need to explain your reasons and if it’s not ok, hopefully they will agree to use the switch in the car or in their room.

@Videogame0 I wonder if he reacts the same when playing with other children rather than alone ? Is this something that you have explored with the specialist ? I’m wondering if you haven’t had the time to (as it sounds recent) could you call them briefly and ask for recommendations ? As in type of games to play together and time limit ? I’m thinking this may be beneficial for future playdates also, but this all may be too soon. But mostly it may help you with the compromise suggestions, the kids will probably understand better that their cousin can’t play X game but can play Y, and only for X time ? With their cousins is also quite a safe way to experiment. Otherwise I agree no harm in asking, but I think you’d benefit from a couple of ideas of compromise yourself, they likely wouldn’t be sure what to suggest.
Great to hear you’re making progress though (I would also ask the specialist if you frame it to yours as a special holiday allowance (just get the cousins to go along with saying it’s the same for them, the oldest being 8 he should be able to do that, and he’ll likely be the one with your DS the most) would it really harm ? And ask how much then)

And yes if too restrictive the eldest could play a little in parents room, but that my be a bit more of a burden. He’s still quite young to remember too many rules to keep secret I would think.

Apologies don’t know where I got the idea they were cousins from !
What I meant by ‘safer’ is, same with family friends, if 8 yo has been prepped a little in advance, less chance if he has a meltdown from struggling to share or other for it to reach the ears of the whole class and complicate relationships. So this may be an opportunity to explore the gaming together aspect (unless you pay for days out, sadly what most kids will want to do)

Please note, I may be completely wrong, hence recommending contacting your specialist for advice with a quick call, I don’t know enough at all about gaming issues, I got the impression for many the issue was getting lost in the virtual world alone (I appreciate the others, I mean for his age range), so maybe in a duo could be different. Apologies if I’m completely off base! And best wishes, hope you enjoy your holiday.

It depends what the kids are used to and what type of holiday it is. It's the kids holiday too and so if they enjoy playing on video games and that's what they usually do during down time on holidays then it would be pretty unfair to say no video games to them.

If you gave up alcohol would you ask the other adults on the holiday to not drink alcohol too?

It wouldn't work for us tbh.

My youngest kids are super sporty and play for various teams etc. On holiday they like to game in the evening. It would ruin their holiday (and ours) if they were unable to do that.

Plus, most kids would resent yours for being the reason.

Omg, a reasonable post!!!

This.

But also, you're not asking adults to sacrifice something, you're asking children who can't expect to have the maturity to understand or empathise like adults do.

I'd not have any issues with this request at all. I would explain what you have above and ask if they'd mind if we did a game free week. That way you are asking, not telling.

If you were going on holiday with an alcoholic would you refuse to not drink around them?

Erm what? 😂

If my friend was an alcoholic or had given up drink for serious health reasons I'd be happy not to drink around them.
If I was the alcoholic, I would not arrange a holiday unless I was sure my friends were understanding.
If I was just doing a dry January or something, I'd expect people to crack on.

Switch games like Mario, Zelda, Minecraft, FIFA.

He just gets very obsessed with easy endorphin-type things (like video games).

I wish we’d never introduced them to him. We only did because (ironically) DH’s job is in a very related field, so he was given one at work last year and that was the end of that for DS! Because it’s DH’s job, he didn’t think introducing them to DS would be a problem. It has turned out to be, but that cat is out the bag now!

DS also has limited other screen time (tv, Spotify) as he can become bad tempered and obsessive over those too.

We’re trying to manage it all. It’s not easy!

Exactly this. Most of my/our holidays are very full on during the day. Relaxing in the hotel in the evening on my phone is just as legitimate way to spend my time as doing activities/museums/sightseeing during the day. I'm not the slightest bit interested in gaming, but don't judge those who do.

I wouldn't tolerate anyone trying to tell my children that they couldn't use (or limit their time) their phones/devices in the same situation just because their child/ren have difficulties using them.

Can you just speak to your friends, explain what it's doing to your child and what the only solution you've found is, then ask them what they'd suggest so their own kids can do what makes them happy without upsetting yours?

As a friend I'd much prefer to be involved in a discussion that led to compromises than have you tell me how you want me to parent my own kids (it could possibly sound that way, even if you don't mean it).

Plus they're more likely to stick to whatever you all agree if they feel they were involved in the decision.

I've just realised I'm essentially suggesting you parent your friends!

mg kid is ‘ND’ … non verbal autistic. He like games to distract him from the changes of holiday. Are your kids needs greater than mine? Literally don’t care what your kids do, teach them everyone is different and different rules are apply. He’s a big boy and if he can’t control emotions he doesn’t get to play. It that simple. Desk with the fall out as every other SN kid has to.

Interesting. I've got an ND DC and a NT DC, fairly close in age.
They have completely different screen time rules.
We don't have a TV, but NT DC is permitted to watch iPlayer or Netflix for a set period every day. No phone yet as Y6, and no gaming or other devices. She can't cope with too much screen time; gets completely sucked in and loses interest in normal stuff. Hence it's restricted.

ND DC, on the other hand, has a phone as has started secondary. It has revolutionised her capacity for coping with life! Having suffered intense anxiety in primary school, her phone is like a filter through which overwhelming and intense experiences and perceptions are processed. Great for communication ‐texting is so clear and direct! ND DC will undertake previously unthinkable tasks while engaged with some kind of proxy task on her phone. If we tried to restrict the use of the phone, she'd loose what is essentially a sort of lubricant; with it, she is managing new and complex tasks alongside, in parallel. Without it, not so much.

Yabu. You can't ask them to leave their devices behind or not play them. Sounds very rude.

My sons autistic/adhd and if someone said that to me it would be a no. You do what works for you and I'll do what works for me. Any tantrums and its gone though.

Really tricky.. I have an autistic child who needs access to video games to regulate but I also have NT kids. My NT kids would be fine without playing video games or limiting them but they are also very used to doing throngs which help our autistic child so may not be typical, Ntypical kids.

The parents may also feel like you’re making a judgement on them.

Id broach the subject but gently. A compromise might be to say video games only in their own bedrooms and not to go in each other’s bedrooms?