How would you feel if you were asked to not bring video games on holiday?

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Ds is neurodiverse and we’ve been seeing a really fantastic specialist to help us help him.

He’s seven, and one thing she’s pointed out that we’d noticed too is that video games make him a LOT worse (he feels terrible afterwards and he obsesses over them - I mean obsesses). We are putting very strict restrictions on them, on her advice. So far, it’s working. (I’d like to get rid of them completely but that seems unfair now - also, he lives in this world and they’re everywhere so I can’t do that to him!)

We’re due to go on holiday with another family next week, with an 8-year-old and a 5-year-old.

If they play their video games while away (we’re sharing a house), obviously DS will play too otherwise it just feels cruel.

We’re now thinking: do we just suck up the fact that the week will be full of terrible tantrums / behaviour from DS? Or do we ask the family not to bring gaming devices?

It’s very awkward to ask. But I don’t know how attached NT kids are to them!

AIBU to ask? Happy to hear I am, and just put up with however it will be.

I think you just need to have a conversation and sound it out with them. You can't demand they do anything. But ask - do your DC play video games only xyz with my DC and I'm wondering how best to manage.

See what they suggest.

This should have been discussed before booking. My son wouldn't enjoy any holiday without his device and I wouldn't ask him to give it up. Like I wouldn't ask an adult to leave their phone behind because we can all play uno and do watersports instead.

We don’t bring my son’s switch on holiday because it’s an expensive bit of kit! And I can’t bear the demands for switch time. So I wouldn’t mind at all and probably be delighted it was going to be a gaming free holiday.

May I ask, what kind of specialist your son is seeing? My son is autistic and we’re desperate for help.

As everyone else has said, you need to ask because this will be a mish mash of expectations. I’m at home - DS1 is reading, DS2 is in the bath and DS3 is building a den. All good. But that’s grand because I’m pottering around and doing stuff and it’s not an issue. They’ve had screen time for today, they won’t have any more tonight.
BUT if I was on holiday and we’d been out doing activities all day and everyone (including me!) just wanted a bit of peace and quiet and to wind down away from each other? Yup, I would quite happily stick all 3 on an iPad whilst I chilled out with my book and a glass of wine.

ditto in the mornings. The holiday treat for mine is that they can watch in the morning (thus keeping them in bed!) and I can have a lie in. Win win.

you would be changing the way my holiday works by banning screens. I would probably go along with it, but I would be annoyed. And I definitely wouldn’t be going out of my way to keep DS2 quiet at 5.50am when he wakes up…

I don’t think it would be unreasonable to ask, but I also think they would be reasonable to say no.

If their kids really don’t mind being without games for the duration, then great - problem solved, and I’m sure they’ll be happy to leave them at home. But if their children routinely use a Switch to relax in the evening or pass the time on journey or just to take themselves off for quiet time alone, they would be fully reasonable to say they won’t stop their kids doing that just because your DS has problems around it. It’s their holiday as well as yours and DS’s.

I know lots of people are saying “Well we always ban screens on holiday, they should be doing other things, so YANBU” but I think that just because you made that decision for your families, that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily right for everyone else’s. So while you can ask, you can’t impose.

Have a conversation asking if they are planning on bringing devices. If yes, ask if they have rules. Share what you said here about your son and see what they say. They might offer not bring, or agreeing to your restrictions or playing out of sight without you having to ask.

Talk to the parents and agree a compromise. Maybe you all have "quiet times" each day in their rooms where their kids are free to go on games whilst he reads or watches tv perhaps?
You can't impose your rules on others kids, that isn't fair but if you explain the situation you should be able to sort something between you.
If this was my child I'd be far more open to that sort of approach.

Definitely worth discussing things in advance, so parents have agreed a policy and can communicate that to the children from the outset.

(I've only once holidayed with another family, and we had to do some fast thinking when we discovered we had different rules for something as simple as breakfast, so that we had a shared "holiday rule".)

Surely not a big deal at all. I'm sure they'd be happy to help make sure you have a stress-free holiday.

I know lots of people are saying “Well we always ban screens on holiday, they should be doing other things, so YANBU” but I think that just because you made that decision for your families, that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily right for everyone else’s. So while you can ask, you can’t impose.

Yes, this. Fine for you to ask but also fine for them to say no.

I definitely think YWNBU to have a conversation with the other parents about it, although I wouldn't position it as 'We're limiting DS's screen time because it's causing issues with his behaviour, so could yours also leave screens at home, please, or it won't be fair on him' but as 'I was just wondering what you thought about this... so DS has been seeing a great specialist and one of the things to come out of that is that he needs some serious limitations on his videogaming. You wouldn't believe the difference it's made to his behaviour, we're really pleased with how he's getting on. So, I was just wondering - how about a screen-free trip? I know your DS is really attached to his Switch and that you're not always keen on him being glued it so much, so maybe we could see how they all get on with no gaming? Might be a nice opportunity for them all to do other things together?'

My DS's, even when teens, were not allowed to game on holiday. They were too busy with other activities anyway like paddle boarding, go ape like courses, swimming, kayaking, body boarding. I can't imagine why children under 12 would be given devices anyway.

Oh, get over yourself. You sound like Competitive Dad from The Fast Show.

Were your sons also too busy kayaking to read, play board games and do puzzles? Please don't kid yourself that having sporty kids makes you a better parent. Gaming devices barely even existed when I was a child, but I would still have fucking hated a holiday crammed with paddle-boarding and Go Ape because I preferred stuff that engaged my brain. I'd rather have watched wildlife, looked for crabs in rockpools or been taken to a castle or a museum and then chilled out with a book or a drawing pad and pencil for a bit in the evening. Pretty sure I'd also have done just fine spending that drawing and reading time playing Animal Crossing on a Switch.

That may well be absolutely correct, and that's great if they're on board.

But I do think the OP also needs to be prepared for the possibility that while it make the holiday stress-free for the her, the other family might feel it would make it more stressful for them. Hopefully that won't be the case and they'll all be happy, but if they're not, compromise might be needed.

You’re not into gaming but you’re so Has an issue with it? I’d stop completely and after the holiday if it’s an issue for other parents. My kid is 7 in dec I’m no where near getting him into gaming. Also as a child i grew up without a tv. Honestly did me no harm. Will do your son no harm not to have gaming in his life.

You think its no big deal to ask a parent to remove something from their children, that the children enjoy, on holiday, to make your holiday better, and make theirs worse?

It's like asking me not to drink wine on holiday because you're an alcoholic.

My kids are massive gamers but have never taken devices on holiday. Maybe they won't take them?

It's tricky because there is no way I'd go on holiday with DC5 without his tablet - it wouldn't be a holiday for me, it would be torture. He's not on it all the time but it's fantastic when we're waiting around for the plane, when he'soff of the pool but too hot to play and instwad wants to chill on a sunlounger (under an umbrella) for a bit when im in the pool or reading my book, waiting for dinner to come etc.

However, I completely get where you are coming from but I wouldn't know what to do as not bringing it means I won't have anytime to relax on my holiday either - sometimes I don't want to play a board game, answer a zillion questions about a random subject, go to the play park etc- I just want to zone out, read my book or enjoy my dinner whilst DC is amused with his tablet!!

Good luck with whatever happens

I would just be honest with them and say what you have here. I am sure they would rather leave devices behind/ reach an acceptable compromise with everyone than cause your DS to get upset and have meltdowns.

I can't imagine why children under 12 would be given devices anyway..
You should try playing games. They really help build imagination.

Would it be possible for your son to understand that they have different rules than he has. I understand that this might not be possible though.

It's the type of thing that comes up all the time when you are with other families and their kids. Bedtimes, sweets, food, buying things from gift shops, watching tv, manners etc etc. It's much easier if kids understand their own rules.

My kids would always take their Nintendo's on holidays. They still bring their switches now they are adults. It's part of the fun.

Yabu although I understand where you are coming from. Screen time and games is downtime for my ds and also for us! I wouldn't be happy at being asked this not having rules placed on my ds on when he can use it. I think if this is an issue for you, it's up to you to remove your ds or occupy him with something else. We have recently been on holiday with friends of ours, their ds needs a screen with his meals, and ours zones out if he has something in front of him so he isn't allowed. It was a bit tricky but then this was our issue, we just played games or chatted to him. I wouldn't dream of bringing this up with our friends, it would have made an unreasonable request and made it awkward. If this was such a big problem then you should have let them know beforehand. I also think asking them to discuss this and setting up 'rules' is out of order. You can't really be asking this of children which is ultimately what you're expecting.

I'm pretty certain as well the parents would bring it for the journey trip. And then to ask them to not allow their kids to use it or only allow them certain times would be very unreasonable.

The teen does a lot of Sports. Is a county player and on the verge of getting into an England team. It's amazing what can be achieved when every hour in the day is not wasted on gaming. Teen spends no more than 2-3 hours a week on gaming. Too busy with training sessions, and meeting up with friends. The thing is if you organise other activities they never miss the gaming. He watches some TV and goes on YouTube sometimes but he and his friends choose sport over gaming every time.

ditto in the mornings. The holiday treat for mine is that they can watch in the morning (thus keeping them in bed!) and I can have a lie in. Win win.

This is why I'd be a little unhappy. We take the tablets on holiday with our 5 year old and 8 year old because dc1 wakes up around 5 am (no matter how much physical activity and fresh air he gets). I'd rather a quiet hour in which he plays minecraft than us all having to get up at that time. Dc2 is better in the morning but needs something to play her audio book to get her to sleep in the first place. Whilst we use a yoto at home when we're away we tend to default to the tablet because its easier to set up somewhere new.

I want to be able to relax on holiday so letting the kids take tablets/switches to play on early mornings and in the evenings are key for me.

I'd happily agree to them only playing in their room with the door shut but wouldn't agree not to take them or to have additional restrictions.

Talk to your friends about it and if they are happy to do a compromise if they understand the effects.
Gaming has proved to be the worst thing for my ND nephew who's now 30 he now lives in a virtual world.

We have this issue with my DC's cousins. My DC don't have imposed set screen time limits because they are both very much "take it or leave it" and often don't touch their phones/tablets/switch for days on end, but sometimes get into a game and play it a lot for a few days, which is fine. Its just like getting into a good book. But my nephew, who is obsessed with gaming every day, has very strict limits to keep him in check. Theres a lot of negotiation with his mum, removal of devices, arguing. I understand he needs the restrictions but it takes over everything. My DC have always self-regulated quite well but when we are all together my kids start gaming loads when they wouldn't usually (and double screens!) because of his obsession but I don't mind massively because I know they'll not bother much the next week. The difference in approach is really apparent and quite challenging and my youngest does start to emulate his cousin, which I don't much like.

If you suggested no gaming on a joint holiday I'd agree 100% because it's not a big part of our day to day lives and I find the negotiations and arguments about screens very draining. I'd let my older DC have their phones though obviously.