Why does anyone ever get married?

[Mygirlruby]

I've spent more time than I should have this weekend reading MN, and it seems that nearly all the problems are women living with selfish pigs of men - those who don't look after their own kids (babysitting your own kids, really?); don't lift a finger in the house; don't 'allow' partner a lie in; don't respect anyone or anything in the home etc etc etc. It makes me wonder why anyone gets married or has more than one child (one being easily transportable right out of the situation) I'm married but did so a long time ago when it was the done thing, and believe me there have been many times I wished I hadn't). My ideal is to be best friends with DH but live in separate houses, like Helena Bonham Carter and her husband famously did.

Because marriage is a legal contract that can provide protection to both parties .
Far too many women sacrifice their earning potential to raise children without legal protections, and far too many don’t realise that they have done it

Helena bonham carter and her husband are now divorced. So that worked out well

Well first of alll mums net is not representative of the real.world
Not everyone has a bad relationship people only post about it when they do
Secondly people get married for various reasons ,for love ,for security ,because they want children etc.

Getting married is fine, it’s having children that I can’t understand but then I’m child free by choice.

In my case I moved out of the UK thus sacrificing my chance to have a full state pension (well I can still pay in) but more importantly practically no state pension in the country I live in. Marrying meant receiving my spouse‘s pension if I survive him. Not marrying would mean no security whatsoever.
Also he’s not an asshole. Helps.

I'm not saying there aren't plenty of useless or awful husbands, but looking at the Relationships board is always going to give a very skewed view. People don't post a thread on there to say 'my husband is nice'.

I got married to have my children. For the legal protection. I don’t think a divorce would be particularly difficult? I didn’t change my surname either.

But people are only going to post on here when they have a problem or need to discuss something; no one starts a thread because their DH mowed the lawn, put the kids to bed and made a romantic dinner for the two of them.
What people post here isn't a representative sample of married life generally.

It’s not really marriage that’s the problem, it’s all fine when you get married and he might be a bit selfish but then you can be too and you can both please yourselves a bit. Maybe you do more of the housework but two adults don’t necessarily make that much mess and you’ve got the time that you don’t think about it too much.
Then you have kids and you put them first and realise that your DH is still putting him first and you’re always bottom of the pile. Plus suddenly it’s hard to find time to keep on top of cleaning and the house is much messier. And you’re stuck.
You realise that you could leave but then you may never have the two children you’ve always wanted so you stick with this man to have the family you want in the hope he will change

If you've got a good relationship then you aren't posting about it on Mumsnet.

The majority of people I know appear to be in stable, happy marriages and have been married for a number of years.

Probably worth bearing in mind that people only post at their worst in here, and it's heavily coloured by being in a foul mood with whatever their partner's done.

The stuff I read in here is not remotely representative of any of the married couples I've ever met.

Or, to put it another way...forums are not real life.

Marrying provides legal protection to a woman which is more often needed if they have children and earn less than their spouse. My friend who is separating from her partner of twenty plus years is not seemingly able to get a penny from the house which is worth half a million but is in his name. She has just moved from a big glamorous self build to a tiny rented flat in a pretty grim area.

I do think we would all love to live like the exceedingly wealthy HBC but not being exceedingly wealthy is a barrier.

Mumsnet isn't a good representation of actual relationships. No one is going to come on mumsnet and say I had a 3 hour lie in this morning then DH took the 3 year old shopping and cooked dinner while I did a bit of gardening. ( my weekend)

It's where you come to voice frustration in relationships that often aren't working. I only know if 1 relationships in real life where there is this kind of gender imbalance in household chores and raising of kids. In my social circle there is 1 SAHM and 1 SAHD ( in both these situations the kids have started school and they have returned to work but took career breaks) and 1 part time mum and 1 part time dad. There are of course cave men out there but in my household I am definetly the messier one out of the 2 of us so not all women are perfect

At the time we were planning to have DC and as the main breadwinner I felt that it was right to provide DH with a certain level of legal and financial stability and security since he would have been the primary carer (we ended up not having DC though).

Also, I wanted to mark this relationship as 'different' to previous long term relationships and that we were making a bigger, more meaningful commitment to each other where we genuinely intended our vows as actual vows (not just some crap you mumble through to get to the party bit).

In hindsight, I'm still glad we got married and while I'm the biggest earner by far I do think that DH would have earned his 50% if we ever get divorced (hopefully not!) as I have ADHD and CPTSD so need his help a lot which keeps me able to do the job I do.

The one thing that pisses me off though is that if DH cheated he would still get 50%...?!?!

IMO if one of you breaks the marriage vows by cheating (or abuse) then they should only be able to get out what they put in financially. It seems like an absolute piss take that someone can be a serial cheater and then take half of your pension!

If anything happened to my DH though I wouldn't live with another man.

Relationship, sure. But I'd want my own house - no sharing homes, no marriage.

My ideal would be two houses next door to each other

Well im married to a man who does pull his weight. Recently had a baby and currently he does all cooking, most the house work, does majority of looking after older DC when he isn't working, let's me lie in as I'm up more in night with baby. He works from home so sometimes helps a little in the day too.
I hate to be not all men about it but they aren't all wastes of space!

Better protection.

But if I was independently wealthy I wouldn't marry!

I agree with PP re the skewed view on relationships here - my DH brings me breakfast and two coffees every morning while I'm still in bed. Does all the cooking, all the dishes, the grocery shopping and 80% of the laundry.

Hi there, I can understand your frustration and disappointment with your marriage and the men you read about on MN. It seems like you are feeling trapped and unhappy in your current situation. I think many women can relate to your feelings, and you are not alone in this.

Mind you, MN is not a representative sample of all men or all marriages. There are many good men out there who are supportive, caring, responsible, and respectful of their partners and their families. There are also many happy marriages that are based on mutual trust, love, and friendship. You may not see them as often on MN, because people tend to post more when they have problems or complaints than when they have praises or gratitude. So don't let the negative stories on MN cloud your judgement or make you lose hope.

I hope this helps and I wish you all the best. 😀

Marriage has been nothing but good for me. DH supported me financially while I was a SAHM / working part time - I wouldn't have been able to do that without the protection of marriage, and he was 100% on board with it. Our marriage has been stable, committed and loving. It's out 20th anniversary next month.

I've got kids and not married. We are not bothered. Just a piece of paper.

I married him because I love him and wanted to be married to him.

Same here.

I don't know. I married my first husband, too young, too swiftly, but we raised two great kids in a stable home. I left him after 30 years, because the whole thing had just ran out of steam.

I remarried, a couple of years later, to the real love of my life - the marriage last 20+ years, and only ended upon his death last April.

I was happy to be married to him - he was a lovely, thoughtful, caring man.

On a practical level, being "legally wed" has boosted my state pension via his state pension (his SERPS contributions years ago), and has given me half of his private pension, as his widow. Which all helps, financially.

I don't regret either marriage.🙂