Why does anyone ever get married?

[Mygirlruby]

I've spent more time than I should have this weekend reading MN, and it seems that nearly all the problems are women living with selfish pigs of men - those who don't look after their own kids (babysitting your own kids, really?); don't lift a finger in the house; don't 'allow' partner a lie in; don't respect anyone or anything in the home etc etc etc. It makes me wonder why anyone gets married or has more than one child (one being easily transportable right out of the situation) I'm married but did so a long time ago when it was the done thing, and believe me there have been many times I wished I hadn't). My ideal is to be best friends with DH but live in separate houses, like Helena Bonham Carter and her husband famously did.

I'm with you OP. I look at all the unhappy marriages and divorces around me, (not just on MN) and don't really understand why women fall for it. I guess some imagine the 'happy ever after' and some because they can't afford a home of their own. I was lucky in that I maintained my career and had my own home/mortgage.

I 'road-tested' my ex for years and he was a normal, sane adult man who could iron his own shirts, cook his own food, and behave kindly & decently. We shared interests and I believed we were happy and honest with each other. But the day we brought ds home from hospital, he morphed into a controlling weirdo and I was so thankful I hadn't married him.

Fifteen years later he is still furious that I dared to leave him, and still tries to manipulate me. I can feel his anger simmering just below the surface.

I'll never marry. Giving anyone that much control over my life is too great a leap of faith, perhaps I am a poor judge of character, but having had one narrow escape, I could never be sure it wouldn't happen again.

I can love someone and spend my life with them, without being married. A man wanting a signed contract would make me run a mile.

I mean, my DH is lovely and not a selfish pig at all, but we got married so we could both live in the same country.

I mean people want to vent on here so it’s often going to ve negative.

Persoankly, I wouldn’t have children unless I was married. I’ve seen too many women left struggling as they had children, unmarried and paid into houses etc for years and had to start afresh. 15 years in and we’re still married with 2 children. It’s not all roses and I think that one of us probably would have left by now if we didn’t have that legal contract.

romantic I know .

I don't want to live in a different house to my DH, it would mean a greatly reduced standard of living if we did. And in our case we'd have been silly not to avail of the legal contract that offered what we wanted and that cannot be replicated in any other way. Other preferences and legal positions are available.

Because I'm in a loving, mutually respectful relationship.

Agree with previous poster - Mumsnet gives a very skewed view of married life because it's where people come to vent. Whereas I know a lot of people with very happy marriages.

We married because we wanted the ultimate commitment. No fancy wedding, just to be married. Very happy, sharing everything every day.

Using the mumsnet forums as a barometer on the state of health of the nations relationships is a bit like using only Greggs as a measure of the UKs culinary standing.

Also just as many if not more posts about useless partners. If not married easier to leave perhaps but if not married and with kids it is messier and often it's the woman who is lumbered with the bill and without the legal protection marriage provides upon break up. Marriage is a red herring. The problem is useless men!

Until you split.

And you dragged up a 5 month old thread to impart this wisdom. Aren't you lovely.

People only post when things are going badly - I've got many friends in happy marriages, as am I.
There's also a lot of men married to selfish pigs of women - it's important not to forget that!

Same. In fact, I'm adamant I'm STILL happily married because I haven't had children.

Love being married. Have no desire to be a parent.

This! Anecdotal I know but of the 10 couples I know who've separated, in nine of those, it's been the wife who's instigated the split.

I've never understood it personally. Knew from about aged 13 I never wanted to marry. Promising to spend your entire life with one person just seems silly to me 🤷.
A friend of mine recently separated from her partner of 20 years, just as well they didn't marry or he'd be off with half her house. It doesn't always pay to be married as a woman.

Legal reasons; no inheritance tax if one of us dies, financial protection for the mum/primary caregiver

Social reasons; display of love and commitment, my husband isn't a dick and does the opposite of all the bad behaviours you've described

I think your question really is "why do people marry arseholes?" Goodness knows. Socially conditioned to believe these behaviours are acceptable in a partner, or partner very good at concealing them until later I suppose

I do wish people would stop saying marriage gives "protection". It is a legal contract.

Some people gain from it, some people lose from it. In some cases it is better for all - in others worse for all. It really depends what you have, what you want and what happens down the line.

It often means that the person who has the most financially loses out in a divorce. (If for example you have a house or an inheritance or a really good job - and he/she doesn't)
It penalises adult children of second marriages as they can find they get zero inheritance. It all goes to new spouse.
It can be good for women who find a rich man and then don't work. It can be better for children - but not necessarily.
It is important if you need a confirmed legal status. And there are lots of advantages , no question.
It really is worth looking into it for yourself.

Very true.

And there is no need to be rude. I didn’t drag up this thread. Mumsnet did.

You say there are times you wish you hadnt got married...but you still are.

So do you wish youd actually split or are you pleased you got through the hard times?

You can still leave.