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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does anyone ever get married?

94 replies

Mygirlruby · 14/08/2023 09:18

I've spent more time than I should have this weekend reading MN, and it seems that nearly all the problems are women living with selfish pigs of men - those who don't look after their own kids (babysitting your own kids, really?); don't lift a finger in the house; don't 'allow' partner a lie in; don't respect anyone or anything in the home etc etc etc. It makes me wonder why anyone gets married or has more than one child (one being easily transportable right out of the situation) I'm married but did so a long time ago when it was the done thing, and believe me there have been many times I wished I hadn't). My ideal is to be best friends with DH but live in separate houses, like Helena Bonham Carter and her husband famously did.

OP posts:
Chersfrozenface · 14/08/2023 10:15

A lot of the posts complaining about men are from women who aren't married, they are cohabiting with useless partners.

It's not marriage that's the problem, it's living with a man who treats the woman badly.

In fact, cohabiting women, especially if they have children and lower/no earnings, can feel more trapped in the relationship, since as a PP has pointed out, they may well leave with virtually nothing.

A woman who is independently well iff (such as a successful actress) might well be better off living independently from a partner. If there are children the arrangements could get complicated, but that is also true of separated couples who formerly lived together.

Many of us are not independently well off, however.

KimberleyClark · 14/08/2023 10:18

In fact, cohabiting women, especially if they have children and lower/no earnings, can feel more trapped in the relationship, since as a PP has pointed out, they may well leave with virtually nothing.

Very good point.

Yea2023 · 14/08/2023 10:24

Mygirlruby · 14/08/2023 09:18

I've spent more time than I should have this weekend reading MN, and it seems that nearly all the problems are women living with selfish pigs of men - those who don't look after their own kids (babysitting your own kids, really?); don't lift a finger in the house; don't 'allow' partner a lie in; don't respect anyone or anything in the home etc etc etc. It makes me wonder why anyone gets married or has more than one child (one being easily transportable right out of the situation) I'm married but did so a long time ago when it was the done thing, and believe me there have been many times I wished I hadn't). My ideal is to be best friends with DH but live in separate houses, like Helena Bonham Carter and her husband famously did.

This isn’t a marriage issue, there are plenty of cohabiting couples on mumsnet reporting the same nonsense (men not doing their share).

I agree re 2nd+ child thing.

And yes to happy equal couples not posting - I recently mentioned that my DH bathed our child from newborn was firstly asked if I had to sort the logistics (WTF?) then told I was smug when I said I didn’t get involved in any of it…
Ergo - we don’t post much about it.

Teajenny7 · 14/08/2023 10:28

Remember you only read one side of a story on here. It may be exaggerated due to emotion.

Inkypot · 14/08/2023 10:31

Because being married is the best when it's to the right person.
I love that I have my best friend by my side, that we have the security marriage offers for not just each other but also for our children, that we all share the same surname makes me happy, that each and every day until our final breath we will know we loved each enough to make the vows of marriage and live them to their fullest.
My husband does all the cooking, cleaning, tidying, laundry, hanging, ironing and putting away of said laundry, he does the weekly shop and we share the school drop offs. He brings me breakfast in bed every single day and has done since as far back as I can remember.
We have been together for the best part of 20 years now and we are still in the honeymoon, cuddly, kissy, snuggly stage and I don't see that ever changing.
Marriage is the most wonderful thing as long as you marry the right person- as long as you are both marrying for the right reasons and both taking the marriage vows seriously. It is not just about a big day, or a fairytale. It's literally being there for each other through absolutely everything life throws at you both and never ever wavering.
I know I am lucky and never take our marriage for granted. My husband and I have always set time aside every evening (even if it's just 2 minutes before bed) to tell each other what we are thankful for that day from each other. We have done this since we first got together and it keeps us appreciative of each other.

BeyondMyWits · 14/08/2023 10:37

I married a good man, I could not imagine not spending my whole life with him. I took his name as well. Old fashioned I guess.

When we were thinking about being together forever, not one of the "provides extra protection ", "legal contract" things came to mind. Nice to have though.

Spreadbed · 14/08/2023 10:37

People mainly come on Mumsnet to ask advice about situations they are struggling with, so I do think it is skewed slightly and it seems like everyone is in crap marriages and struggling, when in reality, people in happy marriages who have respect for each other are much less likely to start a post stating this.

Inkypot · 14/08/2023 10:50

BeyondMyWits · 14/08/2023 10:37

I married a good man, I could not imagine not spending my whole life with him. I took his name as well. Old fashioned I guess.

When we were thinking about being together forever, not one of the "provides extra protection ", "legal contract" things came to mind. Nice to have though.

I have to agree with you on this. While I've mentioned the security it provides for us and our children, it wasn't a reason when we decided to marry. It's a happy bonus of course as means our children do have a certain protection when one of us dies. But definitely wasn't the reason we married.

Yea2023 · 14/08/2023 10:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Yea2023 · 14/08/2023 10:59

Wrong thread

BarrelOfOtters · 14/08/2023 11:01

I don't know really, young people seem to want 'their day' or be all dreamy eyed about it and think their marriage will be different. Fair play to them and I think being married does give you a bit of pause for though for getting through some of the stuff you have to as a couple that you might just split over otherwise.

I got married when I was older...most of my friends who are older and in serious second relationships haven't got married. And in a lot of cases I think that's because they want to keep money/property separate. Or they have been married before and are being cautious.

I got married honestly because my mum had just died and I was feeling a bit vulnerable. I think it was the right thing to do and I do feel more secure in the relationship because of it.

MariaVT65 · 14/08/2023 11:03

RavingStyle · 14/08/2023 09:27

But people are only going to post on here when they have a problem or need to discuss something; no one starts a thread because their DH mowed the lawn, put the kids to bed and made a romantic dinner for the two of them.
What people post here isn't a representative sample of married life generally.

Absolutely this.

Plus I don’t think people can always tell what their partner will be like once kids arrive, but you yourself often don’t have a full understanding of what life will be like either.

TeleTropes · 14/08/2023 11:04

Because me and my husband are a team who contribute equally to our household and it was important to me that there was a legal basis to that.

I’m the higher earner and can do that because of his support and help at home and I deeply believe that what I earn while we are together is joint, and so it is only fair that he has some legal claim over that if we were to split.

Also I married entirely for legal/tax reasons to formally recognise the partnership between the two of us. We eloped, it wasn’t about having a wedding or the romance (there was no proposal, it was a mutual decision after we bought a house that there should be a legal recognition of our relationship).

I don’t understand why long term couples don’t get married, or if they don’t why they stay together as from my (very narrow!) perspective I don’t know why you would stay with someone long term who isn’t an equal partner, and if you have an equal partner, why you wouldn’t marry them.

Jackydaytona · 14/08/2023 11:06

Once it was clear that my (now) dh and I wanted kids, it was my only option to protect myself legally.

I could never ever earn what he earns, and with a dc1 with lots of health issues meant I didn't go back to work until they were pre-school age.

If we split, I get half his pensions, and I'd try for spousal maintenance, too. Also, half the house value.

My only regret is not insisting on a sipp for me, but in those early years, it took a back seat to saving for the dc.

It certainly wasn't about romance for me!

If you want dc, and will be the main care giver/sahp GET MARRIED

InSpainTheRain · 14/08/2023 11:44

As PP have said no one posts here about the great shape their relationship is in because there is nothing to discuss and if there was it wouldn't be on MN, they would discuss with their partner.

I have been with DH for almost 30 years, he is amazing in every way. We have 2 DC in their 20s and he's always been a great dad, always done loads round the house, can fix anything. We didn't marry through my choice mostly, neither of us are that bothered about it.

TenderDandelions · 14/08/2023 11:51

DH is quite traditional in the sense of wanting to marry, but otherwise it's a little unconventional. I've not taken his name, for example and never will - I like mine - it's unusual - his is boring!

Best benefit for us was the wedding - it was honestly the best day of my life - we had so much fun.

Biggest benefit for us is tax!

By the time of our deaths, unless we have to pay significant care fees, which is of course quite possible, there would likely be IHT on our estates unless we are married and can share two nil rate bands.

I know of two other couples that have married for tax purposes, one in particularly on the advice of their solicitor that was helping them write their wills. They'd been together for over 30 years at this point.

Both of us are about equal in terms of assets, so there's no risk that one of us would end up worse or better off in terms of a divorce, but I honestly can't see that ever happening.

BatheInTheLight · 14/08/2023 11:54

Berlinlover · 14/08/2023 09:22

Getting married is fine, it’s having children that I can’t understand but then I’m child free by choice.

some people with children wouldn't be able understand why others wouldn't have children but then I have children by choice.

TenderDandelions · 14/08/2023 12:28

BatheInTheLight · 14/08/2023 11:54

some people with children wouldn't be able understand why others wouldn't have children but then I have children by choice.

Show quote history

I glossed over that comment originally. I'm child free by choice, but I know that others' maternal instinct is much stronger than mine.

That's the beauty of being human - we're all different.

If everyone was the same we'd either be overrun with people or extinct! 😂

Spanky123 · 14/08/2023 12:31

Mumsnet is far from real life, the number of emotionally unhinged posters there here is off the scale!

Gettingbysomehow · 14/08/2023 12:34

I wouldn't get married again for sure. I have too much to lose. My house and a decent pension not to mention my Ds's inheritance.
If someone loves me he is going to have to do so without marriage.

BatheInTheLight · 14/08/2023 12:38

TenderDandelions · 14/08/2023 12:28

I glossed over that comment originally. I'm child free by choice, but I know that others' maternal instinct is much stronger than mine.

That's the beauty of being human - we're all different.

If everyone was the same we'd either be overrun with people or extinct! 😂

Show quote history

Exactly. :-)

JaneyGee · 14/08/2023 12:48

If you meet someone and love their company and enjoy living together, and so on, then great. But so, so many people still marry because they think it’s what you’re supposed to do. There is still a stigma to being a single woman over 30. It’s something we really need to break. Far too many women (and men) put up with miserable, awful marriages because they’d feel ashamed to be single. We’d all be better off if being single was the norm and people only formed relationships because they loved being with the other person, not so they could plaster photos all over social media.

recyclemeagain · 14/08/2023 12:53

JaneyGee · 14/08/2023 12:48

If you meet someone and love their company and enjoy living together, and so on, then great. But so, so many people still marry because they think it’s what you’re supposed to do. There is still a stigma to being a single woman over 30. It’s something we really need to break. Far too many women (and men) put up with miserable, awful marriages because they’d feel ashamed to be single. We’d all be better off if being single was the norm and people only formed relationships because they loved being with the other person, not so they could plaster photos all over social media.

This seems a weird take to me, and kind of sounds defensive in tone.
So those of us who married 20+ years ago only did so cos we thought we had to? Or for social media? Seems like you're describing a very niche subset of married people here.

tiredofthenoise · 14/08/2023 12:55

I married young (early 20s) because I was in love and wanted to spend my life with him. Also, it's the custom in my family and religion to marry. Simply moving in together never crossed my mind. I wanted commitment and security for any children we might have. (Not saying that's only possible with marriage, but it does offer legal protections and when done 'right' means that both people are serious about staying together for life.)

Is marriage perfect? No, and many who marry do so for the wrong reasons or choose the wrong person. Even when you go into it with your eyes open, marriage has ups and downs, but for many people the pros outweigh the cons.

You'll never get a balanced view of marriage in a place where many women write specifically because they are in bad relationships and are seeking advice. People are more likely to write about problems than their positive experiences. You might as well ask why everyone on MN seems to have horrible neighbours, awful jobs, and selfish friends.

Bexx87 · 14/08/2023 12:57

It's a legal document that makes us both each others next of kin and protects us. I love my husband and I don't see any of the behaviours you listed in your OP in him. But to be fair, most women aren't going to start threads on here talking about how nice their husbands are.