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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does anyone ever get married?

94 replies

Mygirlruby · 14/08/2023 09:18

I've spent more time than I should have this weekend reading MN, and it seems that nearly all the problems are women living with selfish pigs of men - those who don't look after their own kids (babysitting your own kids, really?); don't lift a finger in the house; don't 'allow' partner a lie in; don't respect anyone or anything in the home etc etc etc. It makes me wonder why anyone gets married or has more than one child (one being easily transportable right out of the situation) I'm married but did so a long time ago when it was the done thing, and believe me there have been many times I wished I hadn't). My ideal is to be best friends with DH but live in separate houses, like Helena Bonham Carter and her husband famously did.

OP posts:
tescocreditcard · 14/08/2023 13:01

Because, even today in 2023, many people still look down their noses at children born out of wedlock.

thecatinthetwat · 14/08/2023 13:06

I got married to have my children. For the legal protection. I don’t think a divorce would be particularly difficult? I didn’t change my surname either.

same. I very much thought of marriage as a legal package first and foremost and I’m quite happy with it ten years on.

OnRose · 14/08/2023 14:26

I only got married because we were working overseas and were required to be married for work permit reasons.
Marriage means nothing to me. I'm not religious. However, as my career definitely suffered due to be expats I guess I like the security it brings. Not that I'm planning on divorcing my husband.
I took his surname when we got married and I really wish I hadn't. My maiden name was quite shite though.

OnRose · 14/08/2023 14:27

tescocreditcard · 14/08/2023 13:01

Because, even today in 2023, many people still look down their noses at children born out of wedlock.

Really? It wouldn't have crossed my mind that that was even a thing these days.

coreas · 14/08/2023 14:28

and it seems that nearly all the problems are women living with selfish pigs of men - those who don't look after their own kids (babysitting your own kids, really?); don't lift a finger in the house; don't 'allow' partner a lie in; don't respect anyone or anything in the home etc etc etc. It makes me wonder why anyone gets married or has more than one child (one being easily transportable right out of the situation)

I married him because he wasn't like that.

Also, I wanted to.

tescocreditcard · 14/08/2023 14:45

I got married for the legal protection too as I knew I wanted to be a SAHM for the first few years. Gotta work till i'm 67 so plenty of time to catch up in my career.

girlfriend44 · 14/08/2023 15:04

Theres lots of nice husbands around.

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 14/08/2023 15:05

I've just started a thread in chat in honour of good spouses

EbiRaisukaree · 14/08/2023 15:11

I road-tested mine by living with him for four years before getting married, so I knew it would be okay - this period included several crises we needed to weather as a unit, so it was a pretty good indicator of how things would be long-term. And thus it has proved, 20 happy years later.

We never had children, but I would have wanted to be married to him anyway.

tescocreditcard · 14/08/2023 15:39

EbiRaisukaree · 14/08/2023 15:11

I road-tested mine by living with him for four years before getting married, so I knew it would be okay - this period included several crises we needed to weather as a unit, so it was a pretty good indicator of how things would be long-term. And thus it has proved, 20 happy years later.

We never had children, but I would have wanted to be married to him anyway.

Thats an interesting post about road testing before marriage lol. It used to be really common to live together for a while before getting married to see if you were compatible but no-one seems to do that any more.

I mean, plenty of people live together without being married, but it's more for convenience and financial reasons than as a "trial marriage".

KimberleyClark · 14/08/2023 16:24

tescocreditcard · 14/08/2023 15:39

Thats an interesting post about road testing before marriage lol. It used to be really common to live together for a while before getting married to see if you were compatible but no-one seems to do that any more.

I mean, plenty of people live together without being married, but it's more for convenience and financial reasons than as a "trial marriage".

Show quote history

I got married in 1990 without cohabiting first. Plenty of people still did at that time. Still together and happy.

Snowpaw · 14/08/2023 16:46

I read somewhere that "marriage is betting half your money that your relationship will survive - and I don't like those odds" and it rang true for me.

I am unmarried by choice. I have a 4yr old and I live with her father (we've been together about 8 years). I came into the relationship with more money and assets than him. I didn't want to give him half of that if we ever split up. I work and earn my own money. We don't really share finances. I can easily get by and provide for my DD by myself should we ever split up. I am not financially dependent on him. We have a joint account for bills but generally the rest of the money is our own to do with as we please. We both have wills written up leaving our things to each other should we die. I just don't feel a need to get married.

Growlybear83 · 14/08/2023 17:05

I married my husband because we loved each other and wanted to make a lifetime commitment to each other. We also didn't want to have children without being married. Maybe it should have been a consideration, but finances didn't come into it for us.

fullbloom87 · 14/08/2023 17:06

Hoppinggreen · 14/08/2023 09:20

Because marriage is a legal contract that can provide protection to both parties .
Far too many women sacrifice their earning potential to raise children without legal protections, and far too many don’t realise that they have done it

Please tell me you're being sarcastic right?

VeridicalVagabond · 14/08/2023 17:10

I didn't marry one of those men. You won't hear from women who married one of the good ones because we don't have anything to complain about or ask advice on. The sample of husbands you see online is bound to be of the dregs from the bottom of the gene pool. It's not representative of the whole world of married couples.

I personally married my husband because I love him and wanted to be married to him. 17 years and no regrets.

Redwinestillfine · 14/08/2023 17:13

The only reason to get married imo is for the legal protection it brings if that applies to you. There are plenty of other ways to show you love someone. No one is doubting the level of commitment in long term non married relationships but it's not the same, and for good reason. The legal aspects need a knowing agreement and commitment on both sides hence the witnessed signatures, not to be something that can be entered into unknowingly or just because you have been together for a certain period of time.

LisaD1 · 14/08/2023 17:14

I married him because I love him and wanted to be his wife. I still feel the same 20 years in. He’s a wonderful husband and father, pulls his weight, treats us all brilliantly. I’d marry him again a million times over.

Those in happy marriages aren’t here telling their side so it’s a very unbalanced view.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 14/08/2023 17:17

Legally, it is far easier in so many ways and is definitely not just a piece of paper! Personally, because I love him and want to be married to him. I have friends who bitterly regret not being married and would have done so with the benefit of hindsight.

gettingoldisshit · 14/08/2023 17:43

I got married because of my kids. Im now divorced and I would rather shit in my hands and clap than ever get married again!!

Ibetthatyoulookgoodon · 14/08/2023 17:47

Inheritance tax? 😂

mydogisthebest · 14/08/2023 17:57

Me and DH got married because we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We wanted to commit to each other and not just live together.

43 years later we are still very much in loved and very happy. No children which I think helps.

We have nieces and nephews aged from 18 to 30 and they are all either married or engaged to be married. Almost all their friends are also married or engaged so marriage does not seem to be dying out

stayathomer · 14/08/2023 18:06

Well people aren’t going to say ‘aibu that myself and dh get on well most of the time,find life difficult in places but are generally very happy and laugh together even when things seem hopeless’. People come to mn for help/to rant.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/08/2023 18:09

People in happy marriages, with good, kind husbands, tend not to post about them on here, for fear of sounding horribly smug.
MN gives a very one-sided view.

CurlewKate · 14/08/2023 18:10

No idea, frankly!

GrannyRose15 · 19/12/2023 02:52

Mygirlruby · 14/08/2023 09:18

I've spent more time than I should have this weekend reading MN, and it seems that nearly all the problems are women living with selfish pigs of men - those who don't look after their own kids (babysitting your own kids, really?); don't lift a finger in the house; don't 'allow' partner a lie in; don't respect anyone or anything in the home etc etc etc. It makes me wonder why anyone gets married or has more than one child (one being easily transportable right out of the situation) I'm married but did so a long time ago when it was the done thing, and believe me there have been many times I wished I hadn't). My ideal is to be best friends with DH but live in separate houses, like Helena Bonham Carter and her husband famously did.

If you read MN you get idea that all men are lazy misogynists and generally a waste of space. This is not true. Often the comments on here are very unfair to men. I try to remember that I am only hearing one side of a story, usually from an embittered woman.