To think "gentle parents" are setting their kids up for a lifetime of friendlessness and struggling to hold down a job?

[ForestGoblin]

You get one chance to build the neural pathways that guide you for the rest of your life and if you don't learn that you're not the centre of anyone else's universe as a young kid you never will.

What makes you think she doesn't have the courage to stand up against her peers. It doesn't mean it weren't hard for her at that time. She did wonder why we were strict and overprotective and now she is a little older she understands why and appreciates us more. She got A* for Psychology so she gets it.

Because if someone has a strong sense of self the concerns you raise won't matter. Teenagers are meant to rebel against their parents, you don't want a complicit mini you who won't leave home after all!

I wonder how far gently parented teens would need to go to rebel against parents who have never given them anything to push back against? If teen rebellion is natural and inevitable, parents who have always offered such high levels of autonomony may be in for a bumpy ride while their teens seek out something extreme enough to ruffle the parental feathers.

That's why I behave the way I do because I don't want them to end up like me. I practically brought myself up and ended up in trouble along the way.

Until a child is 18 they are the responsibility of the parents and anything that happens or goes wrong because of poor decision making will reflect badly on the parents not the child.

She's at university now living her best life it worked out okay.

Another extreme 'example' of what gentle parents seem to think us non gentle parents are doing. If we're not screaming, shouting, bullying then we're 'holding them down'. 😂

The problem is that the rest of us and our children have to live with the consequences of other people's parenting. So yes, we, society, get to criticize those we think are screwing up. If you never feel critical of anyone else's parenting, good for you. You're free to go live your life somewhere other than this thread.

Yes!! It’s society who have to live with the ‘finished product’ that the parents release into the wild at 18. If they’ve done a shitty job and raised a lazy entitled dosser then why should we pick up after them?

A wise parenting philosophy would be built around a realistic grasp of what adults are actually like as well as what children need. Gentle parenting in the real world is disproportionately attractive to parents who are conflict avoidant, lazy, have weak boundaries, psychological problems with limits, and are actually unempathetic. By the latter I mean the ones who use long sentences and big words to provide explanations to tantrumming 3 year olds, who give them clearly false psychological explanations for their behaviour and so on. It's also attractive to people who follow whatever the current social trend is because they crave other people's approval and social status among their peer groups and all of that is actually more important to them than what their children really need. They need to be seen as a good person because western culture happens to currently define the good as essentially compassion.

It provides a perfect ideological and philosophical framework for people who can't or won't handle conflict with their children and try to wish it away, so they leave them up until 2am playing on their ipod, let them behave badly in public etc. I know several parents like this. It even has the appeal to authority of 'science' because this is the ideological bent of academia for 60 years now. I think that's what accounts for the gap between much of the theory of gentle parenting and the outcomes, and the fact that there's no doubt some/many kids whose parents say they did gentle parenting do turn out perfectly well.

One of the reasons why children who are screamed at or spoken to harshly become bullies is that their parents are bullies. All personality traits and behaviours are partly genetic, including bullying. So children of nasty, bullying, aggressive, disagreeable, manipulative parents are unfortunately more likely than others to grow up to express the same behaviours themselves. And that would be the case even if they had been adopted at birth into a family practising something like gentle parenting. So yes, the environment of being shouted at contributes, but so does biology.

I'd say there are times when speaking gently and kindly is appropriate and times when speaking loudly, firmly and even angrily are appropriate.

Totally agree with this. My children are adults now. I'd say I leaned towards head mistress style parenting 😂 although I didn't put a label on it. As the 'parent' there to teach, advise, care for and love beyond measure I think I did a pretty good job. Communucstion was extremely important & DH and I encouraged them to speak and articulate their feelings from a very young age. We still made them aware we were in charge and they have said this made them feel more secure and safe. They are well balanced adults in highly respected careers and they make wonderful partners. Oh & if they refused to put their shoes on (as in a previous post) they were promptly ushered to a seat, told why they needed shoes then they were put on their feet there and then, no ifs or buts about it 😁

Typo. Communication

So you were an authoritative parent…. which has recently been rebranded as gentle parenting….shock

The people that say they’re doing gentle, parenting are usually not doing it very well and use it as an excuse for their poor parenting and badly behaved children Because they have actually veered into passive parenting

This reminds me very much of 21st century socialists who respond to anyone pointing to the pretty horrific real world records of socialist regimes of the 20th century with 'but that wasn't real socialism!'.

To be fair I should read about GP. I just did what came naturally. When I have time I will do this and for what it's worth get back with my thoughts. fascinating 😁

@Carpediemmakeitcount but whilst treating them with respect, you do put them in their place through establishing boundaries, and steer them in the right direction by helping them understand why certain choices are the right ones. This will serve to help them as a teenager when they're dealing with lots of new and different scenarios, independent of their parents. I really think you've got a misguided view about what gentle parenting actually is.

I think if you give a child boundaries, love and safety they will likely turn out well regardless of parenting style and I guess there's a room for variety in them.

To be fair I should read about GP. I just did what came naturally. When I have time I will do this and for what it's worth get back with my thoughts. fascinating
I think GP is more likely to come naturally for people who were also brought up with respectful relationships between parent and child.
For people raised with authoritarian parents, of different degrees, where the power dynamic was strong, and shame/humiliation/isolation/fear were the driving emotions then it's likely they'll either decide they want to do things differently and break the cycle, or they end up being adults who claim "it never did me any harm" (as they continue to humiliate and shame and bully children into submission).

GP, like many authoritative perspectives, requires the adults to reflect on themselves and their behaviour. That's what I found interesting and liberating. The realisation that many adults, me included at times because we've all been there, pick battles with children based on fear and a need to feel in control was quite eye opening. Then I started to see those kind of views everywhere (eg people dismissing parents who let their children have choices, parents being mocked for choosing to remove their child from a situation to calm down rather than go in all guns blazing, people laughing that if you listen to children's feelings and aim to meet their needs then they're going to grow up thinking the world revolves around them, that you need to do random punishments not because they're logical but because "that'll show them who's boss", lots of manipulation within parent-child relationships e.g. "don't do... That makes mummy/daddy sad ")

That is pretty much the definition of the authoritative parenting style!!

It seems to work anyway. From what I've seen.

Nope. Gentle parenting would be removing Armainta from play group because she isn’t being kind.

There are many things in modern society that make me worry we are "setting kids up for a lifetime of friendlessness and struggling to hold down a job".

Gentle parenting (done properly) isn't one of them, though!

It's a fancy term for parenting that's it. A new fancy name to make yummy mummies seem more interesting. I have had to listen to all sorts of parenting drivel over the years and you know what I learned to carry on and do what suits us as a family. My children are happy and safe and that's all that matters. Most parents on here do it anyway out of instinct that's why people are confused about the fancy term that is given to normal parenting. Let's call it a new name after Jo Frost Super mummy who will come and save the day.

@Carpediemmakeitcount don't think it has anything to do with so-called yummy mummies, what a bizarre thing to say. I've never watched Jo Frost either. Anyway, sounds like you agree with the gentle parenting principles, even if you're calling it by something else, so don't really know why you're replying at me when we're on the same page about it :)