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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating someone you aren't physically attracted to

91 replies

namechangeychangechang · 12/08/2023 20:55

But who is a really nice person, adores you and treats you well. Can it ever work? Does the attraction grow over time?

OP posts:
Moneynewpence · 12/08/2023 21:06

Sometimes. No guarantees though.
Are they aware?

Oysterbabe · 12/08/2023 21:07

Do you want to have sex with him?

YesitsBess · 12/08/2023 21:07

Is this person funny. I would pass over Brad Pitt for someone who makes me laugh so much I wheeze.

Original poster
namechangeychangechang · 12/08/2023 21:08

No. They are very complimentary towards my appearance and make it clear they are physically attracted to me. It seems so cruel to tell them I don't think the same about them. He is absolutely lovely and I hoped the physical attraction would start to grow, but it hasn't yet.

OP posts:
Howtosolveit · 12/08/2023 21:09

No, I don't think so. One or both of you will end up unhappy and resentful.

Original poster
namechangeychangechang · 12/08/2023 21:10

He is funny, a really great guy.

OP posts:
ToBeOrNotToBee · 12/08/2023 21:10

Nope. Not a chance.

GrumpyOldCrone · 12/08/2023 21:12

Depends. Sometimes it takes time. Agree that if he can make me laugh it’s much more likely.

Original poster
namechangeychangechang · 12/08/2023 21:12

Thanks everyone for the responses so far. What prompted me to write this post was I had some furniture delivered today, and fancied the pants off the delivery driver. I think it was mutual. One of those instant attraction things. It just made me so sad as I realise I don't have that with my boyfriend.

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 12/08/2023 21:12

Depends on what you find unattractive about him. Can it be changed or modified?(dress sense, shoes, hygiene etc) Is it something that just puts you straight off? Is it the whole package? Do you have chemistry? Good sex? A laugh?

Can you narrow it down? If not, it's probably although he is a nice guy, there just enough spark to go on. And that's OK. Don't worry about being superficial, sexual attraction needs to be there for the relationship to grow.

Germolenequeen · 12/08/2023 21:14

Very bad idea IMO

Original poster
namechangeychangechang · 12/08/2023 21:15

OneMoreCookieMonster · 12/08/2023 21:12

Depends on what you find unattractive about him. Can it be changed or modified?(dress sense, shoes, hygiene etc) Is it something that just puts you straight off? Is it the whole package? Do you have chemistry? Good sex? A laugh?

Can you narrow it down? If not, it's probably although he is a nice guy, there just enough spark to go on. And that's OK. Don't worry about being superficial, sexual attraction needs to be there for the relationship to grow.

Hi, thanks for the response. This sounds awful but I'm just not attracted to him facially. He's also a bit shorter than me, not by much, but I'm about 5'9 and he's about 5'7-5'8

OP posts:
BunnyBetChetwynnd · 12/08/2023 21:15

How long have you been with him?

Original poster
namechangeychangechang · 12/08/2023 21:16

Hi Bunny, only a few months

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 12/08/2023 21:17

I'm 5'9 and my last husband (!) was 5'5. I did not fancy him much at first but he was all of the things you said and a very very funny man.

But if it's been ages and it's still not clicking for you? Not sure really, it might be kinder all round to be honest.

mnahmnah · 12/08/2023 21:18

After two dates with a guy, if I didn’t really want to kiss him and imagine getting naked with him, it was a big no. If you don’t have that chemistry and attraction then it’s just friendship.

SallyWD · 12/08/2023 21:20

I think you can - in the sense that you can fancy someone's personality. I've met many men who I don't find physically attractive but I really fancy them purely based on their personality.

Original poster
namechangeychangechang · 12/08/2023 21:21

mnahmnah · 12/08/2023 21:18

After two dates with a guy, if I didn’t really want to kiss him and imagine getting naked with him, it was a big no. If you don’t have that chemistry and attraction then it’s just friendship.

Thank you, this is really good advice actually. I feel awful saying this but I don't look forward to sex with him. And it's nothing he is doing wrong, he's very respectful and does everything right. He acts exactly how I would want a son to act towards ladies in the future.

OP posts:
BunnyBetChetwynnd · 12/08/2023 21:21

If a few months in you still don't find him attractive then I don't think it's going to happen. Also, if after only a few months in a new relationship you're finding the furniture man attractive then your instinct is telling you that your current boyfriend isn't the one.

egowise · 12/08/2023 21:22

There are slow burners, but after a few months I'd say it's a no.

Crimeismymiddlename · 12/08/2023 21:25

No, everyone has an ex who was great in every way but had absolutely no attraction to them.
It is so lovely a person being so nice and giving lots of attention but if you don’t look forward to sex with them now you will hate it in a years time, and sadly hate him as well.

3rdtimemumma · 12/08/2023 21:25

namechangeychangechang · 12/08/2023 21:12

Thanks everyone for the responses so far. What prompted me to write this post was I had some furniture delivered today, and fancied the pants off the delivery driver. I think it was mutual. One of those instant attraction things. It just made me so sad as I realise I don't have that with my boyfriend.

Ahhh I think this is your answer. If you stay with your bf too long expecting to start being attracted to him, you probably won't. But it will get harder to leave because you'll like him as a person more and might end up resenting him and hurting him more.

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2023 21:28

I have been physically attracted to ‘unattractive’ people because of our chemistry and spark and not attracted to supposedly gorgeous people where there’s no chemistry.

I don’t think a relationship can work if your not attracted to a person.

Original poster
namechangeychangechang · 12/08/2023 21:30

Thanks everyone. If I'm totally honest, I was on social media straight after furniture man left trying to stalk him 😳 I'm not a cheat and would never hurt my boyfriend in that way, but I think that says it all really doesn't it. Only a few months in and I should be totally loved up, not having my head turned by other guys to that extent. It isn't fair on my boyfriend, and he deserves someone who feels the exact same way about him.

OP posts:
Soozikinzii · 12/08/2023 21:30

I think it would've
Developed physically by now if it was going to . It's so nice when you get that spark like you did with the delivery driver . Having said that you wonder how Those young women married to really rich old wrinkly men go on don't you ? Eww I couldn't no matter how rich they are !