Dating someone you aren't physically attracted to

[namechangeychangechang]

But who is a really nice person, adores you and treats you well. Can it ever work? Does the attraction grow over time?

Not fair on the poor guy. There's someone out there who will fancy the pants off him, and he deserves a chance to go and find her.

See, I can't get on board with this. There are people out there with hideous facial injuries/deformities. Are they meant to stay single forever?

Ah! @Seaswimmingforthesoul said it first. Agree.

No I don’t think so. You’re in the friend zone.

It's possible, but I don't think this is what's going on here.

If you don't look forward to having sex with him, find someone else to do your DIY and stop having sex with him.

No. The guy I dated before my husband would have been a great match on paper. And I would have been a lot better off with him, in many ways. I just didn’t want to see him in his underpants (much like Aidan in his y-fronts on AJLT). But it’s not just a sex thing. My DH isn’t all that in bed, either. It’s just that that if you’re friend-zoning from the start, it ain’t never gonna happen…

If you don't feel it now you never will, and be looking for excuses to avoid sex. Don't do it

What can't people find those people attractive???? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Attraction is about WAAAAAYYYYYY more that just physical, first impression looks!

Yes, if you don’t fancy him after a few months and you don’t look forward to sex, this is not a relationship with a happy future. It’s not fair on him (or you). You see him as a friend.

FWIW I also think that a spark of attraction with a man who delivered some furniture is probably not the best foundation for a serious relationship either - but I’m pretty sure there is someone out there for you that you fancy and who you connect with an emotional level like you do with your current boyfriend!

Years ago I was with a guy I never fancied. We were just mates and fell into a relationship. I had hotter men who were interested in me and asking me out, but things felt easier with him due to the fact we were both single parents and spent a lot of time together in a family type set up.
I ended up cheating on him with a sexy ex of mine and once I'd had a reminder of what it was like with him, I knew I couldn't go back to my partner. Just being in bed with someone I really fancied and experiencing those feelings again was something I realised I missed.
I never really fancy someone straight away as I think it's a mixture of looks, personality and chemistry and it can definitely grow, but I also know early on if there's any potential for for attraction to grow or not. But if you're feeling the way you do now, I think you're best to end it sooner rather than later.

It did for me!

As much as people may be attracted to looks, it's really about chemistry, so anyone can be attractive to someone. I have an a back catalogue of the most horrendous looking ex bfs and crush's , that I was attracted to based on my hormones 😖.

What are you talking about?! Nobody is saying that. This isn’t about only dating people who are classically good-looking. It’s about only dating people you fancy, which is a totally different thing.

Attraction is not limited to conventional ‘good’ looks. Some people couldn’t ever be physically attracted to someone with a facial deformity, just like some people couldn’t ever be attracted to someone who was very overweight, or very underweight, or who was much shorter or taller than them. Those people should not therefore date someone with a facial deformity if they will never be able to fancy them.

But other people could easily be attracted to someone with a facial deformity, because faces just aren’t something that they’re personally particularly bothered about when it comes to sexual attraction. That is why plenty of people with facial deformities are happily married - they’re married to people who fancy them, not to people who are just gritting their teeth and tolerating sex with them!

When I was much younger I actually had a massive crush on a man who had lost a leg, an eye and most of one ear in an accident. I was actually too shy to ask him out but I definitely found him physically attractive.

How do people with facial injuries or deformities correlate with the post you've quoted?

I had this! My (now) DH was overweight when we got together at 19. I adored his personality but his looks were a bit off putting. He was also v insecure.

Anyway, long story short we're in our 30s now and he's genuinely so attractive. He lost all the weight (I gave him loads of encouragement and supported him to do so), is in shape, is way more confident. He's super successful at his job. I don't like him any less, because his personality was the main draw, but I'm sooooo attracted to him now!

So, what is it you find unattractive? I actually think someone being out of shape and unattractive is quite different to you not being attracted to their face or personality, because their face and personality probs won't change all that much, but everything else can change quite a lot.

NB - I also know women who married gorgeous young men who are now overweight, bald, unattractive. So it works both ways. My mum told me to marry for personality because "they all get old and ugly eventually" 😂

She was responding to my comment saying the BF deserved to be with someone who adored him and fancied the pants off him. Apparently she thinks only classically handsome people are faciable 🙄

No. Someone with any sort of deformity wont have someone initially see them and think "phoar".. and if they do, they will be judged. I have a friend who was in a relationship with someone with Down Syndrome, and was accused of all sorts for it.

OP I was in exactly the same situation a few months ago. On paper this guy was great, we got on well, were on the same page about a lot of things…but I just didn’t fancy him. When we kissed (didn’t get as far as sleeping with him) I felt nothing, no spark or butterflies or anything. The final straw was on our last date when I turned the corner and saw him standing there waiting for me and immediately just felt the ick.

Don’t string this guy along - if you’re not feeling it by now, you never will.

Unless you live across the street from the Victoria's Secrets booking agency, most people you come across day to day won't trigger a "phwoar" reaction either

I don't think in the long run this will work, I think there has to be some level of physical attraction to be with someone long term. The niceness will be lovely initially but then the novelty will wear off.

Unless your friend had similar learning difficulties, they likely got shit for the relationship because of the power imbalance and the "age" difference developmentally, not because you think all people with Down Syndrome and physically unattractive

I dated a close friend of mine who I adored and thought I had feelings for. An amazing guy who any woman who did fancy him would be lucky to be with.

But sadly I didn't fancy him enough. He wasn't my type physically and nothing was going to turn him into my type. I found it irritating having him in my bed and didn't want him there. We only lasted 3 weeks. I wouldn't recommend it.

It’s also extremely unkind to the other person, who deserves to find someone who finds them attractive.

Ive been the person someone settled for - and he let me know it at every turn. It’s a horrible way to live

I absolutely would if he is kind, rich and very generous towards me with it.

I've ended up fancying people I hadn't found particularly attractive when I first met them after I got to know them as friends.... but if the spark still isn't there after a few months, and you seem well aware of what that spark is, then it's time to end it.