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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephews Behaviour?

119 replies

Bubblegirly · 12/08/2023 19:41

It was my DC 5th birthday today. Nephew is also nearly 5. His behaviour has always been really awful (biting, hitting, throwing, smashing things etc). He was very put out that it’s DC birthday and we have a separate family party over last few years as both my DC don’t want him with their friends due to his unpredictable behaviour.

Today he started snatching DC presents and throwing them once unwrapped and then he ripped up two of his cards. I shouted to stop and that it wasn’t nice behaviour. My sister then took him aside and explained his emotions were justified as he was feeling jealous about it not being his birthday and that’s ok but he must not ruin his cousins birthday. I thought she handled it well until she then said “so when everyone has gone you can order a toy on Amazon in my phone to make you feel better”

He then started shouting “no now” and she said no later and he kept arguing so she put him on time out then brought him back and sat there ordering a toy with him. She also asked him to help sellotape the cards back together and he just swipped them away but still got a reward.

my 5yo asked me why he got a new toy for behaving badly and I just said I don’t know??

Sister also then proceeded to light a mini cake after DC has his cake and happy birthday. She then sang happy birthday to nephew and let him blow out a candle! No one else joined in. I’m feeling really peed off about the whole thing. My oldest is 6 and he didn’t get any special treatment or the other cousins. I’m just so fed up with this behaviour and my children questioning it now. AIBU to not do these family parties anymore or to talk to sister. I have spoken before about it but she just doesn’t care

OP posts:
WenchEyeBall · 12/08/2023 19:45

Yikes! Yes I'd stop having the family parties. (and distance myself from seeing sister when kids are present)

IamAlso4eels · 12/08/2023 19:47

He's 4, many 4yr olds don't have full control of their emotions and behaviour yet so your issue here is with your sister's parenting and not the small child who doesn't know any better.

Unfortunately you don't get a say in how she parents her child, that's her choice, so your options boil down to distancing yourself from your sister/only seeing her without the children or gritting your teeth and hoping he grows out of it as he gets older (plenty of children do).

ploverq · 12/08/2023 19:49

Def stop the family parties

rwalker · 12/08/2023 19:52

Any advice to her won’t be well received leave her to it and distance yourself from theses situations

Coffeaddict · 12/08/2023 19:52

I would stop the family parties and distance yourself from the child. Meet up with your sister ( if you still want to) without the kids.

Spirallingdownwards · 12/08/2023 19:55

IamAlso4eels · 12/08/2023 19:47

He's 4, many 4yr olds don't have full control of their emotions and behaviour yet so your issue here is with your sister's parenting and not the small child who doesn't know any better.

Unfortunately you don't get a say in how she parents her child, that's her choice, so your options boil down to distancing yourself from your sister/only seeing her without the children or gritting your teeth and hoping he grows out of it as he gets older (plenty of children do).

The child doesn't know any better because the sister ponders to him though. At 4 children can be told No but too many people nowadays seem to think you can't.

IamAlso4eels · 12/08/2023 19:56

Spirallingdownwards · 12/08/2023 19:55

The child doesn't know any better because the sister ponders to him though. At 4 children can be told No but too many people nowadays seem to think you can't.

Show quote history

OP can't change that though and has no say in how he's being brought up, he's not her child. OP can only control her own actions which is why her choices are to put up with it or distance herself.

pinkstripeycat · 12/08/2023 19:56

I’d have herded them right out the right door!

You might not get to say how she parents her child but you do get to say how they behave in your home with your children and their belongings (presents & cards).

ThreeLittleDots · 12/08/2023 19:58

Of course not! What a fucking farce.

GrumpyOldCrone · 12/08/2023 20:00

We used to give something small to each of the birthday child’s siblings and cousins when they were all little. I’m not sure if this would work with every child, but it did seem to alleviate some of the jealousy in our family.

But YANBU: your sister is making a rod for her back. I’d stop inviting your nephew to your children’s parties until his behaviour is better.

Door12345 · 12/08/2023 20:03

Christ on a bike
What a little shit and your sister sounds moronic

pictoosh · 12/08/2023 20:04

This thread should be called 'sister's parenting' rather than 'nephew's behaviour'.
She's abysmal. Would drive me mad.

fruitypancake · 12/08/2023 20:05

I imagine your dsis is feeling quite worried about her DS behaviour.. does not sound like she is managing it well at all . Difficult to handle sensitively but I would look to support her rather than cutting down on contact

nameitagain · 12/08/2023 20:07

IamAlso4eels · 12/08/2023 19:47

He's 4, many 4yr olds don't have full control of their emotions and behaviour yet so your issue here is with your sister's parenting and not the small child who doesn't know any better.

Unfortunately you don't get a say in how she parents her child, that's her choice, so your options boil down to distancing yourself from your sister/only seeing her without the children or gritting your teeth and hoping he grows out of it as he gets older (plenty of children do).

He's almost 5. A year makes a huge difference at this age. A 5 year old, even a 4 year old knows not to behave like this. I'm wondering if there is some other issue along with the terrible parenting

PurpleChrayne · 12/08/2023 20:08

That is dreadful parenting from your sister. She is raising a nightmare.

saraclara · 12/08/2023 20:08

The extra cake thing was ridiculous. Good grief.

So yes, I wouldn't hold family parties. It's a shame for the other cousins, but short of only inviting them, I'm not sure what you can do. This party ended up being all about your nephew instead of your son. That's not on.

Naomi90 · 12/08/2023 20:10

Sounds exactly like my diagnosed "autistic with demand avoidance" 4 year old who wouldn't cope at all at such an event...

TimeIhadaNameChange · 12/08/2023 20:14

And what would happen if you repeated tha cake l8ght8ng fir your don at his birthday party, I wonder?

Definitely no more family parties and not allowed at your house. Will your parents back you up?

ChubbyMorticia · 12/08/2023 20:14

I really don’t understand your sister. She knows her child can’t handle the situation, so why bring him? Rewarding bad behaviour only guarantees more.

I feel bad for her son. He’s the one who will pay the price for her parenting choices.

NewUserNameSaved · 12/08/2023 20:16

Poor kid. His DM is setting him up for a life time of issues!

Coffeaddict · 12/08/2023 20:18

IamAlso4eels · 12/08/2023 19:47

He's 4, many 4yr olds don't have full control of their emotions and behaviour yet so your issue here is with your sister's parenting and not the small child who doesn't know any better.

Unfortunately you don't get a say in how she parents her child, that's her choice, so your options boil down to distancing yourself from your sister/only seeing her without the children or gritting your teeth and hoping he grows out of it as he gets older (plenty of children do).

A nearly 5 yo should definetly be able to control their emotions enough to know its x's birthday and they get a cake / present. When it's mine I will. Jesus my 3 nearly 4 yo knows that.

I only know one parent who uses 'gentle parenting' and would pander to this shit instead of removing the child if the behaviour doesn't stop now

that kid is now 6 and repeated hit another kid over the head with a heavy toy because ' he touched the toy I was playing with'. The teachers dragged him off the other child only for him to escape and go back to beating the crap out of the child but this time with his fists.

The kids who are parented in this was and heading for a sharp wake up when the world hits them and certainly my friends kid will have multiple problems that can't be solved with discussing their emotions.

AlmostTotallyFake · 12/08/2023 20:22

Your sister sounds insufferable.

How does she ever see this level of pandering ending well?

icelollycraving · 12/08/2023 20:25

Good luck with whole class parties. She sounds ridiculous. I would just not invite them and tell her why when she asks, which she will. Tell her you need to put your own children first, just like she does.

10HailMarys · 12/08/2023 20:27

I wouldn’t be having any more family parties. It’s not fair on your kids. Why should they have to celebrate at all with a child who is horrible to them and who they don’t like, just because he happens to be related to them?

I also think an almost five-year-old is capable of understanding that only the person whose birthday it is gets presents, so “It’s understandable because he’s little” doesn’t really stand up as an argument. He’s not a toddler. He’s presumably about to start school, where he’s going to get quite the shock when neither his teachers nor the other children will put up with him carrying on like that.

If this was a kid in your son’s class at school behaving like this, you wouldn’t be inviting him for play dates, so I don’t see why he’d get a free pass for being a cousin.

What does the rest of the family think about it all?

TakeMe2Insanity · 12/08/2023 20:28

My aunty would behave like this with my cousin. It ruined my birthday parties. She expected exactly the same presents, and no amount of explanation would work ( that she had her own birthday and party). My cousin went on to be a horrible person and her mother is in denial of everything. The most anyone gets is that we don’t understand my cousin!