Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephews Behaviour?

119 replies

Bubblegirly · 12/08/2023 19:41

It was my DC 5th birthday today. Nephew is also nearly 5. His behaviour has always been really awful (biting, hitting, throwing, smashing things etc). He was very put out that it’s DC birthday and we have a separate family party over last few years as both my DC don’t want him with their friends due to his unpredictable behaviour.

Today he started snatching DC presents and throwing them once unwrapped and then he ripped up two of his cards. I shouted to stop and that it wasn’t nice behaviour. My sister then took him aside and explained his emotions were justified as he was feeling jealous about it not being his birthday and that’s ok but he must not ruin his cousins birthday. I thought she handled it well until she then said “so when everyone has gone you can order a toy on Amazon in my phone to make you feel better”

He then started shouting “no now” and she said no later and he kept arguing so she put him on time out then brought him back and sat there ordering a toy with him. She also asked him to help sellotape the cards back together and he just swipped them away but still got a reward.

my 5yo asked me why he got a new toy for behaving badly and I just said I don’t know??

Sister also then proceeded to light a mini cake after DC has his cake and happy birthday. She then sang happy birthday to nephew and let him blow out a candle! No one else joined in. I’m feeling really peed off about the whole thing. My oldest is 6 and he didn’t get any special treatment or the other cousins. I’m just so fed up with this behaviour and my children questioning it now. AIBU to not do these family parties anymore or to talk to sister. I have spoken before about it but she just doesn’t care

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 12/08/2023 21:37

Naomi90 · 12/08/2023 20:10

Sounds exactly like my diagnosed "autistic with demand avoidance" 4 year old who wouldn't cope at all at such an event...

I wondered how long it would be before someone mentioned this. Reading what the sister did here really is appalling parenting on every level. Her child is, simply, very spoilt, calls the shots on everything it seems, has absolutely no boundaries whatsoever, and clearly his very bad destructive behaviour is a result of lazy parenting. You have more patience than me OP. They would have both been shown the door within five minutes of getting there.

BrawnWild · 12/08/2023 21:40

There is a slight irony in judging her for pandering to him when you are also pandering by having a second party...for him.

Ditch the second party. Tell your son she can parent hiw she wants, as can you. Of necessary you can add that you dont think it's right to order a toy for poor behaviour, hence you dont/wont do it for DS. Then put it in the fuck it bucket and remember that one day you will all laugh about how strange it was.

MeridianB · 12/08/2023 21:41

Coffeaddict · 12/08/2023 19:52

I would stop the family parties and distance yourself from the child. Meet up with your sister ( if you still want to) without the kids.

This. Because your sister is behaving like an idiot, so your nephew won’t start behaving nicely any time soon!

Did her DH or your mum not suggest that the birthday candle thing was ridiculous?

Will she do that at every class party?!

InSpainTheRain · 12/08/2023 21:42

Honestly, I'd either not invite nephew at all or not have family parties. Sounds awful but I don't see what you can do about it without falling out with DSis. I'd definitely distance myself form that though!

MeridianB · 12/08/2023 21:45

Also, you have a duty of care to protect your DC from DN - he slaps and bites? Tells you to F off? There’s no way I’d be spending time with him.

VyeBrator · 12/08/2023 21:51

Bubblegirly · 12/08/2023 20:43

He hasn’t got any SN. My oldest is ASD and I’m a health care professional working with SEND children. There have been no concerns from nursery with ?SN but sister has been referred for parenting classes. We also have extended family members on the spectrum so are quite hot on it as a family

He hasn’t got any SN. My oldest is ASD and I’m a health care professional working with SEND children.

Doubly disappointing then, that you should say any child is ASD.

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 12/08/2023 22:17

VyeBrator · 12/08/2023 21:51

He hasn’t got any SN. My oldest is ASD and I’m a health care professional working with SEND children.

Doubly disappointing then, that you should say any child is ASD.

Show quote history

Sorry. Typo meant to say has

OP posts:
JustCarryOnWalkingPast · 12/08/2023 22:19

Your nephew is a spoilt little brat, and your sister is a moron. She's doing him and her no favours at all, in the long-run

EvilElsa · 12/08/2023 22:21

I would also create some distance between the children for the time being. My friend had to have an awkward conversation with her very close friend as their same age sons would clash due to the friends son being very physical, snatching toys and screaming if he didn't get his own way. He was never disciplined (I witnessed this) and was often rewarded for crying and sulking with sweets to "cheer him up". She ended up tactfully saying that it was clear the boys didn't see eye to eye at the moment and that it was stressful for both of them. She said it would be best to meet up as adults for now until the boys got a bit older. They are still friends years on, the boys are now 15 and not close, but certainly not enemies!
I know this being family makes it more difficult but you could try a tactfully truthful conversation with your sister. It doesn't need to be confrontational.

FedUp1306 · 12/08/2023 22:48

He may well have undiagnosed additional needs. There are many ways in which they can present. It may be that your sister is trying to keep a lid on an explosive situation, to be generous.

However, I genuinely don't think that approach is generally helpful. One of my children is autistic, and I have always been very clear - their birthday is their special day, their sibling doesnt get stuff too "so they don't feel left out". It's their day, and the sibling benefits from enjoying the party/cake/treat/balloons we share together. And then vice versa. I was always very keen to make this clear. Luckily both siblings have been good with this and respect others' birthdays as that person's day.

That said, I do know it's not the case for every child. Life, and kids, are not always easy.

But I do think the sister has set a precedent and SEN or not, it's not going to be productive.

I do know friends of ours who buy a present for our birthday child plus a smaller one for their sibling. It's well meant but I hate it, as it sets up an expectation.

amusedbush · 12/08/2023 22:51

VyeBrator · 12/08/2023 21:51

He hasn’t got any SN. My oldest is ASD and I’m a health care professional working with SEND children.

Doubly disappointing then, that you should say any child is ASD.

Show quote history

I’m autistic and absolutely prefer that language over ‘has autism’. Autism is the way I’m hardwired, it’s literally what causes my brain’s physical structure and it informs how I perceive/interact with the world. If you removed it, I’d be a totally different person.

I have hayfever… but I AM autistic.

Many people in the ND community have the same language preference so it’s not a blanket rule.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 12/08/2023 23:22

Your idiot sister is raising a spoilt and entitled brat who she will not be able to cope with in the future.
Stop the family parties and distance yourself from them.

saraclara · 12/08/2023 23:28

IamAlso4eels · 12/08/2023 20:36

PDA isn't "bollocks", it's a ND condition whose main characteristic is to avoid demands and expectations to an extreme extent. 4yr olds can have PDA as it's a lifelong condition present from birth however the OP hasn't mentioned any suspicion of ND so it's not possible to say whether that's a factor.

Show quote history

Whether he is neurodiverse or not makes no difference to the fact that his mother's parenting is dreadful. I have spent a lifetime's career working with children with over the whole range of neuro diversity including PDA (and their parents) and SIL's approach would not have been even close to effective or beneficial for any one of them.

Many of the children would struggle with parties, but offering them a toy from Amazon and giving them their own cake at someone else's party would be counter -productive in all cases. If a patent reported that this was how they were handling their child, we'd be working with them on strategies and behaviour plans.

His mum is wrong. Family would put up with his behaviour if they saw it being handled effectively and fairly by his parents. But today was a shit show and the other kids and adults don't need to put up with it, whether he's NT or not.

Pootle23 · 12/08/2023 23:32

Next birthday don’t invite your sister and nephew. Why should your child’s birthday party be ruined each year.

Supersimkin2 · 12/08/2023 23:37

…and that is how narcissists are made.

Totalwasteofpaper · 12/08/2023 23:47

Your sister NEEDS those parenting lessons.

And no matter how fun your nephew is when on form you should be minimising contact. This is modelling poor relationships / a bad model of behaviour for your children.

surreygirl1987 · 13/08/2023 00:03

Surely this is a combination of neurodiversity and poor parenting?

surreygirl1987 · 13/08/2023 00:06

He hasn’t got any SN. My oldest is ASD and I’m a health care professional working with SEND children. There have been no concerns from nursery with ?SN but sister has been referred for parenting classes. We also have extended family members on the spectrum so are quite hot on it as a family

You definitely don't know this for sure. It's concerning that you think you do.

Stepmotheringthepatriarchysdream · 13/08/2023 07:27

surreygirl1987 · 13/08/2023 00:06

He hasn’t got any SN. My oldest is ASD and I’m a health care professional working with SEND children. There have been no concerns from nursery with ?SN but sister has been referred for parenting classes. We also have extended family members on the spectrum so are quite hot on it as a family

You definitely don't know this for sure. It's concerning that you think you do.

Only a qualified psychiatrist can tell you if you have autism or not.

Autism Preston many different ways.
Parenting classes are used to gaslight parents into thinking it’s their fault.

Schools can’t afford to support children with additional needs so they blame these issues on ‘bad parenting’.

Stepmotheringthepatriarchysdream · 13/08/2023 07:29

Presents in**

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 13/08/2023 09:08

surreygirl1987 · 13/08/2023 00:06

He hasn’t got any SN. My oldest is ASD and I’m a health care professional working with SEND children. There have been no concerns from nursery with ?SN but sister has been referred for parenting classes. We also have extended family members on the spectrum so are quite hot on it as a family

You definitely don't know this for sure. It's concerning that you think you do.

Never said for sure! I just said he doesn’t as in no diagnosis or concerns from anyone

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 13/08/2023 09:11

Don't invite him

surreygirl1987 · 13/08/2023 09:24

Never said for sure! I just said he doesn’t as in no diagnosis or concerns from anyone

Surely concerns from you for a start, as you've raised them in this thread!

If you are a HCP, you will know there are odds of undiagnosed SEN kids, and that just because he is not diagnosed it doesn't mean he isn't ASC etc?

I'm not saying the parenting sounds good, but honestly, you can't say he's not got additional needs.

SavBlancTonight · 13/08/2023 09:25

I am seeing this sort of thing from a number of parents currently. In one case, the child is confirmed with ASD and ADHD and in the other there is no diagnosis or even an attempt to get one but the rest of us suspect some ND.

I am starting to believe that what happens is that parenting styles and approaches are fixed when the child is very young, and genuinely can't cope/understand. But then as the child gets older, the parent is still acting as if their struggles haven't evolved - ie still present but different.

We have a situation with a 10 year old now who is becoming more and more spoiled and out of control in every way - her behaviour and her eating are uncontrollable while increasingly she is allowed to decide on what behaviour her parents and siblings are "allowed". Her sibling has not been allowed a playdate without her for a year now as every time it is suggested she talks about how unhappy she is because he has friends. This would be more understandable if she had no friends, but she does and has playdates with them.

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 13/08/2023 09:28

Stepmotheringthepatriarchysdream · 13/08/2023 07:27

Only a qualified psychiatrist can tell you if you have autism or not.

Autism Preston many different ways.
Parenting classes are used to gaslight parents into thinking it’s their fault.

Schools can’t afford to support children with additional needs so they blame these issues on ‘bad parenting’.

Show quote history

This is not true at all. It’s a combination of professionals (speech and language, community paediatrician and possibly CAMHS) that diagnose.

also schools get a lot more money for diagnosis and to support!

OP posts: