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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephews Behaviour?

119 replies

Bubblegirly · 12/08/2023 19:41

It was my DC 5th birthday today. Nephew is also nearly 5. His behaviour has always been really awful (biting, hitting, throwing, smashing things etc). He was very put out that it’s DC birthday and we have a separate family party over last few years as both my DC don’t want him with their friends due to his unpredictable behaviour.

Today he started snatching DC presents and throwing them once unwrapped and then he ripped up two of his cards. I shouted to stop and that it wasn’t nice behaviour. My sister then took him aside and explained his emotions were justified as he was feeling jealous about it not being his birthday and that’s ok but he must not ruin his cousins birthday. I thought she handled it well until she then said “so when everyone has gone you can order a toy on Amazon in my phone to make you feel better”

He then started shouting “no now” and she said no later and he kept arguing so she put him on time out then brought him back and sat there ordering a toy with him. She also asked him to help sellotape the cards back together and he just swipped them away but still got a reward.

my 5yo asked me why he got a new toy for behaving badly and I just said I don’t know??

Sister also then proceeded to light a mini cake after DC has his cake and happy birthday. She then sang happy birthday to nephew and let him blow out a candle! No one else joined in. I’m feeling really peed off about the whole thing. My oldest is 6 and he didn’t get any special treatment or the other cousins. I’m just so fed up with this behaviour and my children questioning it now. AIBU to not do these family parties anymore or to talk to sister. I have spoken before about it but she just doesn’t care

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 12/08/2023 20:30

Distance is your friend.. My friend did this with her own 2 dc. When the older one lost a tooth the younger 1 also got a coin. Post teen age they hated each other. As adults they never see each other..

splitin3 · 12/08/2023 20:33

Naomi90 · 12/08/2023 20:10

Sounds exactly like my diagnosed "autistic with demand avoidance" 4 year old who wouldn't cope at all at such an event...

'Demand avoidance' sorry that's bollocks in these circumstances. It's a kid who is being parented appallingly. 'Demand avoidance' in a 4 year old simply translates as 'doesn't like being told what to do' because he knows if he strops enough his mother will placate him with a reward.

Avoidance - refusal of demands for decent behaviour = (to this 4yr old) rewards. Mother is an arse.

momonpurpose · 12/08/2023 20:34

PurpleChrayne · 12/08/2023 20:08

That is dreadful parenting from your sister. She is raising a nightmare.

This. I'd definitely put some distance between you.

IamAlso4eels · 12/08/2023 20:36

splitin3 · 12/08/2023 20:33

'Demand avoidance' sorry that's bollocks in these circumstances. It's a kid who is being parented appallingly. 'Demand avoidance' in a 4 year old simply translates as 'doesn't like being told what to do' because he knows if he strops enough his mother will placate him with a reward.

Avoidance - refusal of demands for decent behaviour = (to this 4yr old) rewards. Mother is an arse.

Show quote history

PDA isn't "bollocks", it's a ND condition whose main characteristic is to avoid demands and expectations to an extreme extent. 4yr olds can have PDA as it's a lifelong condition present from birth however the OP hasn't mentioned any suspicion of ND so it's not possible to say whether that's a factor.

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 12/08/2023 20:39

He is about to start school. His behaviour is really unpredictable but my kids do love him as when he is in a “good” mood he’s really fun and plays nicely for the most part (as DC1 said the other day DNep was good today he only slapped me once). I do correct his behaviour but my children don’t always come to tell me when somethings happened. He used to listen to me but he told me to f* off recently.

other family all agree it’s awful and it’s the way he is being brought up but won’t say anything as don’t want to cause arguments.

OP posts:
WenchEyeBall · 12/08/2023 20:42

as DC1 said the other day DNep was good today he only slapped me once

This is really uncomfortable to read. What precedent is this setting to your kids about the type of behaviour they'll accept from others throughout their lives

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 12/08/2023 20:43

He hasn’t got any SN. My oldest is ASD and I’m a health care professional working with SEND children. There have been no concerns from nursery with ?SN but sister has been referred for parenting classes. We also have extended family members on the spectrum so are quite hot on it as a family

OP posts:
Teaandbiscuits60 · 12/08/2023 20:45

He sounds like Vernon Dudley from Harry Potter .

almostoverthehill · 12/08/2023 20:46

Sorry I laughed at the cake, out of the sheer shock I think! I’ve never heard anything so utterly ridiculous. As others have said he doesn’t know any better as your sister is pandering. They both need to understand the word NO!
No more invites until behaviour changes, it’s so unfair on you and yours.

IamAlso4eels · 12/08/2023 20:46

If there is a strong family history of ASD and other ND then he could be ND, there is a lot of variation within the spectrum. Time will tell.

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 12/08/2023 20:46

WenchEyeBall · 12/08/2023 20:42

as DC1 said the other day DNep was good today he only slapped me once

This is really uncomfortable to read. What precedent is this setting to your kids about the type of behaviour they'll accept from others throughout their lives

They know it is unacceptable. I always talk to them about it and that we know his behaviour is not acceptable and that they need to tell him to stop and come and tell an adult. I just think they don’t want a drama and would rather keep playing

OP posts:
Booboobagins · 12/08/2023 20:46

Your DN is behaving like this facilitated by his mum. He may be SEN but she is raising him inappropriately!

Well done for telling him to stop. His mum should have done that.

Sadly you cant tell her how to parent, so I suggest you keep your DCs away from thus sh1t show.

Rossannah · 12/08/2023 20:52

I would distance myself from them.
My niece was like this at 5. It was neither cute nor funny. She's 9 now and she's absolutely horrendous. We don't invite her anywhere. We do without parties as we don't want to invite her. Even my mum will dread her being there at events.
Niece and family have just been away for a fortnight and the rest of the extended family had a ball on days out and meals without her as she spoils everything when she's here. Mum's hosting Sunday lunch tomorrow and we're not going as the thought of spending my day off with niece gives me anxiety.

hiding5675687 · 12/08/2023 21:00

Minimizing contact and only meeting for short amounts of time when you can oversee the contact may be best. We have a niece who is ridiculously jealous and her parents don’t respond and the grandparents deny the kicking/pushing/etc happens. I want DC to have a relationship, but do not want them to have to be treated this way.

SpamFrittersYouSay · 12/08/2023 21:02

IamAlso4eels · 12/08/2023 19:47

He's 4, many 4yr olds don't have full control of their emotions and behaviour yet so your issue here is with your sister's parenting and not the small child who doesn't know any better.

Unfortunately you don't get a say in how she parents her child, that's her choice, so your options boil down to distancing yourself from your sister/only seeing her without the children or gritting your teeth and hoping he grows out of it as he gets older (plenty of children do).

Are you really advocating shit parenting?

IamAlso4eels · 12/08/2023 21:05

SpamFrittersYouSay · 12/08/2023 21:02

Are you really advocating shit parenting?

Show quote history

Where did I advocate it? I said the 4yr old isn't to blame, he doesn't know any better because he's 4, and that the issue is the sister's parenting. All very clearly written there in my post.

WenchEyeBall · 12/08/2023 21:05

Bubblegirly · 12/08/2023 20:46

They know it is unacceptable. I always talk to them about it and that we know his behaviour is not acceptable and that they need to tell him to stop and come and tell an adult. I just think they don’t want a drama and would rather keep playing

Show quote history

That's great, but the adults (yours and your sister's ) actions don't match up with your words.

Sister rewards him for bad behaviour with a new toy.
You can't/are not allowed to discipline/control nephew

Your kids know intellectually that nephew is behaving terribly but adults in their lives aren't preventing it or protecting them from it.

Nephew is a bullying your kids. They are accepting being slapped. Do they know how to placate him yet, how to avoid pushing his buttons?

Dacadactyl · 12/08/2023 21:08

That's outrageous and your sister has no bloody idea what she's doing when it comes to parenting.

If my sister was doing this, I'd be having a row with her over it. And if she didn't listen I'd be going very very low contact.

Scottishskifun · 12/08/2023 21:11

Stop with the family parties if your sister asks why then be honest but matter of fact.
Your nephew (and sister) will get a wake up call when he's at school and your sister will have a choice to make of keeping enabling the bad behaviour and risk a child being excluded from education or change her parenting tactics!

momonpurpose · 12/08/2023 21:20

Scottishskifun · 12/08/2023 21:11

Stop with the family parties if your sister asks why then be honest but matter of fact.
Your nephew (and sister) will get a wake up call when he's at school and your sister will have a choice to make of keeping enabling the bad behaviour and risk a child being excluded from education or change her parenting tactics!

This is so true! I know someone who parents like this. She had her child have been banned for more homes I can't count. Now of course it's not the child's fault his mother is parenting horribly but no one likes this child at all. That is what is going to happen here mark my words

Overthehillbutnotveryfar · 12/08/2023 21:20

Oh dear. You don’t need to put up with this and nor do your kids . Your sister needs help - does she recognise this ? You are an experienced professional - can you help her find support and techniques for dealing with this child ? Does she have a partner to help her or does the child have another mother or father ? Such bad parenting almost becomes abusive doesn’t it as this child will fail to thrive ? How sad .

HHN · 12/08/2023 21:31

I would 100% distance myself if I was you. My nephew isn’t a very nice child to be around he has a big sister & a big brother but the world revolves around him. He’s nearly 7 can do no wrong he often throws tantrums full on kicking and screaming until he gets his own way and my sister gives in every time while her other 2 go without. His terrible behaviour is always rewarded while the other two who aren’t much older are absolutely lovely and get completely overlooked. I had to distance myself and my child from this as it’s not something I or my child want to witness

Stepmotheringthepatriarchysdream · 12/08/2023 21:35

I feel for all of you.

You are trying to give a lovely party to your child and be inclusive of your nephew despite your concerns.

Your nephew is struggling to manage his emotions for whatever reason so it’s all painful for him.

Your sister is probably ashamed and embarrassed about her son’s behaviour and is probably becoming increasingly concerned about his emotional development.

She tried to make amends for the card ripping and was probably trying to minimise a full meltdown from her son by promising him a toy when they returned home (she would have felt the full force of judgement from other adults when she did this).

I think it’s times like this that we need to appreciate how lucky we are that our own children don’t present with these difficult behaviours and reflect upon how hard social situations are for your sister and her son and how lonely a place that can be.

Children with these kinds of difficulties require a different approach that isn’t always understood by other parents.

I think it’s time for you to ask your sister if she is okay. Praise her for trying to de-escalate the situation and see if she confides in you about her concerns.

When it starts to dawn on parents that their children are a bit different, it can be like a grieving process and unfortunately this can be a time when they are most excluded from friends and family.

Its the easy route to judge her but less easy to be part of her support network.

Goldbar · 12/08/2023 21:35

He'll either learn to "get it" next year at school going to whole class parties, in which case you might see an improvement in his behaviour, or the party invitations will start to dry up by Y1. My DC could be slightly wild at parties (nothing like this though, more running about and not sitting down for the party tea) but now has party etiquette down to a tee. You're not wrong though - dreadful parenting from your sister. She should have had him out the door the minute he kicked off rather than let him ruin your DC's party.

Wenfy · 12/08/2023 21:36

My DC have known not to do this from 1.5 years old and both of them are neurodivergent. It’s your job as a parent to manage the problem