Nephews Behaviour?

[Bubblegirly]

It was my DC 5th birthday today. Nephew is also nearly 5. His behaviour has always been really awful (biting, hitting, throwing, smashing things etc). He was very put out that it’s DC birthday and we have a separate family party over last few years as both my DC don’t want him with their friends due to his unpredictable behaviour.

Today he started snatching DC presents and throwing them once unwrapped and then he ripped up two of his cards. I shouted to stop and that it wasn’t nice behaviour. My sister then took him aside and explained his emotions were justified as he was feeling jealous about it not being his birthday and that’s ok but he must not ruin his cousins birthday. I thought she handled it well until she then said “so when everyone has gone you can order a toy on Amazon in my phone to make you feel better”

He then started shouting “no now” and she said no later and he kept arguing so she put him on time out then brought him back and sat there ordering a toy with him. She also asked him to help sellotape the cards back together and he just swipped them away but still got a reward.

my 5yo asked me why he got a new toy for behaving badly and I just said I don’t know??

Sister also then proceeded to light a mini cake after DC has his cake and happy birthday. She then sang happy birthday to nephew and let him blow out a candle! No one else joined in. I’m feeling really peed off about the whole thing. My oldest is 6 and he didn’t get any special treatment or the other cousins. I’m just so fed up with this behaviour and my children questioning it now. AIBU to not do these family parties anymore or to talk to sister. I have spoken before about it but she just doesn’t care

No I didn’t.m raise concerns. I only said that as someone else said about SEND

Doesn’t sound at all like my autistic, pda and severe adhd child who was diagnosed at just turned 4.

The child is just doing what he has been taught by his parents: he has an unpleasant feeling (normal jealousy)- he kicks off and his mum appeases him and makes him feel better. Obviously he will continue in the same manner as long as he isn’t being taught differently.

No I didn’t.m raise concerns.

Erm... you raised concerns about him and his behaviour! This is what the entire thread is about!

Doesn’t sound at all like my autistic, pda and severe adhd child who was diagnosed at just turned 4.

You do know that not all autistic or ADHad kids are the same? They can present extremely differently!

Yes but not to do with any additional needs

Yes obviously. But it gets extremely frustrating when time a child exhibiting unpleasant or inappropriate behaviour is discussed people turn up to say ‘they probably have asd and pda’ as if all negative traits are intrinsically linked to those conditions. They aren’t. Many of them are linked to parenting style.

Im sick of having people hear my sons diagnosis and presuming that means he will be unmanageable and horrible to other children because all bad behaviour is linked to ND (especially pda and adhd- if I leave that part of the diagnosis out he gets a much more sympathetic reception).

Any child who has been taught that having negative feelings (jealousy/sadness/disappointment etc) = screaming and hitting and destroying things= parents make it better by given them the thing they are jealous of/giving them a treat to make up for it etc will behave like that. Of course they would, they have been conditioned to!

The difference is that children who are ND may well behave like that DESPITE the fact their parents are doing everything they can to teach them other ways to manage their behaviour or bending over backwards to avoid it happening in the first place.

I'm enjoying the number of posters attacking my comment because I said it sounded like my son. Or claiming that an NHS diagnosis cannot possibly exist. I didn't actually try to diagnose the child in question...

But seriously, it sounds like the poor mother needs some support, and probably is getting the exact opposite..

No two autistic children are the same.

Only a psychiatrist can give a diagnosis. Sorry. You really don’t know what you’re talking about.

Completely true.

You don’t know what you’re talking about! I’ll tell the paediatricians that I work with “sorry but all the children on your caseload that you diagnosed with ASD doesn’t stand as you can’t make that diagnosis” and actually all the family’s I work with don’t in fact have a diagnosis as it was only a consultant paediatrician that did this! Sorry! Yes obviously a psychiatrist can diagnose but they are not the only ones who can!

the child is a spoilt brat and knows right from wrong. but your sister has totally taught and encouraged this. sure it's not the child fault, he's pushing buttons to get what he wants, but your kids don't need to put up with this. how would your sister and nephew feel when it's his birthday and u bring a separate cake just for ur kid at his
cousins party. u should try it and see. then let them throw his presents about. then when ur sister calls them out, pet their heads and say good kids well done. of course u won't but
your sisters behaviour is outrageous. he wouldn't be welcome back to my parties till mum
has dealt with her behaviour. and i'd be telling her this.

hey sis, nephew really put a
dampener on the party the other day, mostly because of how you let him get away with his poor behaviour eg throwing kids new toys and then giving him his
own party. kids felt really sad and that it wasn't their special day anymore. for next few birthdays i'm just gonna have small friends parties, sleep overs till some behaviours improve as it was too stressful for everyone.
sis oh are u saying nephew ruined the party?
u - no he didn't, but it upset the kids and us how it was dealt with and took the attention off the birthday kid who were trying to have fun and celebrate. it then na wane about nephew.

A clinical psychologist, psychiatrist or paediatrician can make a single clinician diagnosis of autism. Multidisciplinary teams can also make a diagnosis.

Why is it whenever a child behaves poorly they must have SEN?
That's insulting to those with SEN as it presumed that all ND children have challenging behaviour and ignores the fact that some NT kids are little brats who are poorly parented.

My dn is like this, my dd and her are of a similar age and both have birthdays same month, she started doing it at about 4 yrs age didnt mind it so much as she was little and it has continued to 10 yrs, she will sit by my dd and say its her birthday when we are singing happy birthday! And dn has something new every week, she is growing up to be very entitled, my bro and sil have made no attempts to stop her or my dn behaviour!

Why is it whenever a child behaves poorly they must have SEN?

That is obviously not the case. However, in many cases of extreme behaviour issues, there often is underlying SEN. If parenting is poor, it's actually harder to identify, as parenting is often blamed first.

I used to think the same as you, but in my years teaching, almost all of the pupils with extreme behaviour problems have ended up being diagnosed with SEN - sometimes much later down the line. I'm not talking about being just a bit cheeky or moderately naughty, but I'm talking about behaviour that is extreme and outlying. From the sounds of the OP's post, her nephew's behaviour is extreme.

Regardless of whether he does have SN, your sister is a piss poor parent and will no doubt scream SN when the school stat phoning her and no party invites happen. I know a few children, now 7 like this and it's bloody sad for the child. I have two with SN/AD, they still needed boundaries and close supervision. Stop the meet ups, you've only got Christmas to navigate, I wouldn't have him in your home. If it is SN she shouldn't be putting him in trigger situations. So you meet up elsewhere.

Her parenting is basically bribery. I'd stop the family parties.

The difference is that children who are ND may well behave like that DESPITE the fact their parents are doing everything they can to teach them other ways to manage their behaviour or bending over backwards to avoid it happening in the first place.

I agree. And I am one of those parents actually. However, we cannot ignore the fact that a great deal of children with extreme behaviour issues are SEN, regardless of parenting. It is often more difficult to identify an SEN child that is experiencing poor parenting skills (or has difficult family circumstances) as that is looked at as the first port of call... in which case neurodiversity can slip through the net. But it should obviously be a consideration, and I feel so sorry for the kids who have extreme behaviour issues who people assume must just be naughty, as their parents are clearly poor at managing them!

Don't have another family party. Your sister is making a rod for her own back, unfortunately, but there's nothing you can do about that.

You could do something different for the next birthday - take your son out for the day perhaps. Make it a treat rather than a party.

Yes but not to do with any additional needs

No, but you are raising concerns about his behaviour and acknowledging that it is atypical. This is not the expected behaviour of a child his age, by your own admittance. Thus, concerns have been raised about him - by you. It MIGHT simply be a result of poor parenting, or it MIGHT be a SEN on top of poor parenting. At this point you absolutely do not know. Either way, you can stop the invitations - that's up to you.

It's not "my oldest is autistic" though, it's "my oldest is autism spectrum disorder" which makes no sense.

No, it's a combination of terrible parenting and really awful parenting.

Don’t think I’d allow him back for any kind of celebration. Your sister is not teaching him basic manners, is she?

I am so glad you wrote this. Yes some children some adults some of everyone has special needs. But sometimes a brat is just a brat by poor parenting. I may flamed for this and thats just fine but some not all people would rather just say pda instead of activity parenting. You sound like a great mom best to you and your son.

If this behaviour has been consistently reinforced (as it was in this situation) for the last 4 years then I think this is exactly the behaviour you would expect from a child that age.

The child could be ND but the evidence in the OP is a child behaving in the way his parents have taught and encouraged- he is acting entirely appropriately for his environment.