Do you have any complexes from childhood?

[Wagonwheel123]

Inspired by another thread.
I remember a classmate once telling me I smelt of B.O and since then I've had a thing about dousing myself in body sprays, perfume, anything to make sure I always smell 'nice' and that nobody could accuse me of smelling bad.
As a child I'd notice that my friends' houses were like showhomes. Always immaculately clean, everything was fresh and homemade.
My parents had slightly lower standards, they weren't hoarders nor did we live in filth, but their standards of cleanliness and tidiness were just slightly lower and they don't cook from scratch 100%. I remember an ex when we were 21 telling me my parents ' house was a little messy (quite rude of him tbh)
Anyway, if I ever stay over or holiday with friends (not that it ever really happens now) I have a thing about making sure my living space is very clean and tidy at all times, I have a complex about someone labelling me as dirty or unclean.
Quite sad really but I don't know how to stop these feelings , has anybody else got things like this?

I am in my 40s. And abuse was endemic in my religious faith and culture (we are seeing a lot of reports coming out now mostly from the branch of my church across the pond in the states. It was my normal really and many others had it so much worse.

I would second the hugs for you @YouJustDoYou . I relate so much . My constant self talk in My head is that need to disappear. I'm learning to challenge it but sometimes it's hard to do it. Some days are harder than others .

much ❤❤❤ to you.

Comments on my perfectly average 5 foot 3 height 🙄

TW CSA:

My two older brothers constantly bullied myself and my sister. The eldest S A both myself and my sister. I tried to protect my parents from finding out but really deep down I always knew my parents would protect my brother from his actions. I felt like shit my whole life. Seriously low self esteem and self worth. A lost little soul. That stuff stays with you. My mother was incredibly critical and judgmental. I was really fat as a child because I was absolutely miserable growing up and my mother was incredibly unkind and cruel about it. Definitely gave me a complex there.

My parents rejected me completely in favour of my brother when I spoke out about the abuse. My siblings were absolute shits. My sister sadly goes along with it all. It has taken years to recover from my family. It feels really wrong and so sad to have to recover from family. I actually really like myself these days but those childhood complexes really stayed with me for years. People can be real shits.

Fatty, fat cow, moody cow were my nicknames.
I was so athletic and sporty at primary school - was on the football team, etc. Then in year six I hit puberty and got bigger. I also became aware of my mums alcoholism and this turned into massive feelings of rage and hatred. I was a really perceptive child so I observed when she slurred her way through conversations and how people looked at her oddly.
On her worst days, she picked us up from school with a mug of wine in the cup holder. I knew how awful this was but felt I couldn't talk to anyone at all.
Dad and brothers mercilessly called me the above names as I turned into a pubescent angry teenager and I accepted them.
Thing is, I really wasn't. As a size 14-16 in my late teens I was bloody gorgeous. Now aged nearly 40, I have a great career and partner, but I'm fat, drink too much and there is a massive invisible wall between me and my family. Mum no longer drinks like she did and is somewhat of a local hero through her work, but I will never ever love her like a child should her mother, and I grieve the mother daughter relationship I won't ever have.

One of the things that came to mind is trying to be perfect all time . If I ever done anything naughty etc it would never be forgotten and just thrown back at you at another time . Now I hate doing anything wrong as I just feel like shit about it . I feel I need to be perfect constantly but this is something I’m defiantly working on . Also being told don’t put weight on no one will want you also led me to an eating disorder .

I'm also so sad reading these. I'm 65 now, but I still have perfect recall of being at Carlton Camp in 1972 and a teacher, who had arms linked with her favourite pupils, saying loudly how funny it was that I walked like Charlie Chaplin. I had flat feet and ugly shoes, and to this day I remember the hot shame and humiliation. Before this happened I loved this teacher and her lessons. After a few weeks back at school she asked me if anything was wrong but I just couldn't answer her. I walked out of school rather than go to her lessons, knowing she'd laughed at me and humiliated me. I feel so sad even now recalling how I felt, looking down at my ugly shoes, and trying to walk fast so they didn't see I was upset. Now I think how dare she do that.

Carlton Camp is probably a giveaway but I don't care, she's long dead. I thought I'd left this behind until now, but these things really shape your insecurities in life.

I’m dyspraxic and I’ve got loads of hang-ups about stuff like dancing, exercise, sport and even playing video games if other people can see me, which all stem from years of teachers (and other kids, but more often teachers) drawing attention to my clumsiness and lack of coordination and either telling me off or mocking me. It took me three decades after leaving school to be able to bring myself to go running, and the first three times I was so anxious that I literally cried on the way to the park! I still can’t bring myself to enter a gym. I’ll do home workouts and for a while I went to a trainer with a private studio, but cannot get past my gym hang-up. I won’t run with other people either - Parkrun is my worst nightmare! I run at the quietest times, wearing headphones and not making any eye contact with anyone who passes me.

"Your experiences are fake"

"That didn't happen . False memory syndrome. "

"He was a pillar of the community he wouldn't have done that . You are mistaken ."

Are my feelings real ? Am I real?

who am i? All this gaslighting and invalidation, don't know if I'm real at times?

The people that hurt me including my dad were funny kind loving people some of the time. Then they would switch. It was very confusing . I can't believe in myself when into It know who I am or where I have come from

I have never met you and I don't know you but you know reading this makes me feel proud of you . You may struggle still but you are still running! That is no small achievement given what you have endured. Go, you! ❤❤❤❤

I do. I can’t begin to explain on here. But I try so very hard not to pass it on to my children. Then I spend time worrying about what I might be doing wrong and how it will F them up!!

I was in the town library doing some homework and bumped into someone from another form. As we were chatting she said ‘have you had an orange? I can smell it on your breath’.
It was just a statement of fact, no malice. I said I had and she smiled and said ‘I thought so’.
I’ve spent the rest of my life paranoid about having bad breath because that was the moment I realised people could smell mine. I constantly have mints, gum, breath spray to hand.

Lots - more superficial ones include;

Untidiness - I am quite an untidy person but at the same time it gives me absolutely huge anxiety like a massive cloud of dread hanging over me if our house is untidy because of the number of times I was screamed at by DM and there were huge "scenes" because of the state of my "disgusting pigsty" bedroom. Not just as a teenager - from the age of about 8. I'm not sure how bad it can really have been tbh. I actually wonder if I've got PDA or something because even as a child I'd be told to tidy up, would lie and say I'd done it when I hadn't and then get into huge trouble when it was discovered I had a) not done it and b) lied about it. I knew I would be in trouble, but still wouldn't do it - It's a constant battle even now.

Lateness - I can't stand being late or the thought of being late because we were constantly late for school and would have to have excruciating tellings off from the Victorian style head-mistress. I grew to dread lateness. A few times I was told to say the car wouldn't start. When really parents had been rowing. One day I said the car wouldn't start, but for some reason my mother decided to phone school and apologize with the real reason. Of course, teacher then hauled me aside to sternly interrogate me as to why I thought lying was acceptable and I got another earful when I got home for lying and embarrassing DM. Madness. I am always early and kill spare time if I have to rather than being late.

Lying. See above. Am pathologically honest these days.

❤️ That’s horrible. They are the ugly souls. You sound beautiful.

My DM had a quick temper and very variable moods so much of my childhood was spent on eggshells. I would take a deep breath before opening our gate and wonder what lay in store from quite a young age. It’s made me
overly sensitive to other people’s moods and I feel personally responsible for ensuring that everyone in my orbit is ok. Which can be exhausting.

I was a daydreamer who often got distracted and mentally wandered off task (still do 😆). if my DM asked me to do something I would forget and then get a proper roasting. So I’d say I’d done it and then go get it done at the earliest opportunity. This has carried on into adulthood. So my husband would say eg. ‘oh, did you pay the window cleaning invoice?’ And I’d totally lie. Now he does all the admin as he knows I’ll forget and then get stressed about it in case I get ‘in trouble’. I’m 51!

Have you had any counselling around this? I feel you should ❤️

Wow. From someone who also had a lot of childhood shit to deal with, I just want to offer you all a huge hug. I'm so sorry for what many of you have been through, and how brave and honest you are.

I can massively recommend the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. She's a wonderful, incredibly wise woman who discusses every aspect of childhood PTSD and how to deal with the legacy it leaves you with.

Smelling of cigarette smoke. My parents were both heavy smokers and smoked in the house. It wasn't even abnormal at the time, but I still had teachers, friends and their parents comment about me smelling of smoke. I think it was so strong they suspected I was smoking, which I wasn't as I was late primary school age. I smoke now, but I'm super careful to ensure I don't smell of smoke. I only smoke outside, i smoke rollies (they produce less smoke), I don't smoke loads and I wear a specific hoodie (with the hood up) make sure the smoke doesn't get onto my normal clothes and in my hair. I also wash mt hands after smoking, brush my teeth several times a day and wash my hair daily. So many people have commented that they didn't realise I was a smoker, because they've never smelt it on me.

I have to have plenty of everything, food, drinks, toiletries, household stuff, bedding, towels, underwear - you name it. I feel like a doomsday prepper sometimes. We had (sorry to be blunt) FUCK ALL when I was in my "childhood home" . I'm NC with all family. They weren't poor, just horrible selfish parents who pissed everything up the wall. They both "fiddled the dole" and lived the high life (well as high a life you can on shittiest council estate - think Shameless and then double it) Sent to school without breakfast, on FSM so lunch at school and then tea was tomato sauce (ketchup) sandwich and cold tinned hotdogs for kids 3 girls inc me while they had whatever they were eating. She would buy single toilet rolls from our local corner shop, cheapest of the cheap everything, bar soap, horrible washing powder, refused point blank to buy sanitary towels, no shampoo we we had to either use the shared soap or sneak the washing up liquid upstairs. We all shared the same one towel so was a fight who was first out of the bath for the dry towel 🤢 I literally boak if I touch a wet towel or bathmat that's not been used by me. I have to be first in the shower on a morning, I can't bear the thought of getting in a pre-soaked shower. There's so much I could write a book. There was locks on both the hall cupboard where "their" fridge and food was kept made out like a pantry and their bedroom where they kept all their personal toiletries and likes. We were just fkin taunted daily, treat like shit, made to sit and watch them live their what felt like to us a high life.
I have to have a choice of everything in at all times. Different coffee's, teas, soft drinks, squash, condiments, buy loo roll in bulk and kind of panic if I get down to last pack of 9. I constantly have 3/4 shower gels and shampoo's on the go, I currently have 5 different toothpastes and 3 different toothbrushes in the caddy, about 10 different deodorants and perfumes.
Strange thing trauma isn't it.

Literally just posted something similar on another thread. My brother and I are very close in age - he was always there, with my friends, at parties, anything I had, he got, anything I wanted, he had it. But he also got all the attention and time because he was the baby and I was the big girl. Except I wasn't, I was only a year older. I know it sounds ridiculous and I've been flamed on here before for being pathetic, but I cannot explain how selfish I think people are who have children so close together, it's like I was just not good enough to spend time with and then I got sidelined for my entire childhood.

Jesus reading that hit deeply. I am so sorry you went through that. The cruelty is staggering. Many, many people are deeply selfish and are deeply self absorbed and some of those people cause great harm to those around them. It is sobering.

My mother was obsessed with the fact that my tummy and bum stuck out. She showed me a picture of herself dressed up as the 'ugliest woman' where she'd stuffed a pillow up her jumper and down her trousers. I later realised that she has an eating disorder which she actually managed not to pass on to me but even at 30 weeks pregnant I still find myself trying to suck in!

Have you considered that they might have dine the same if there were years between you. Treating children differently is very common with parents who are emotionally immature and the age gap is irrelevant. It is absolutely shit though. I’ve been there.

I am so, so sorry to hear about everyone’s experiences. How people can be so cruel is beyond me.

NC.

From when I was tiny, my parents told me I was fat. I wasn't. They had different kinds of health anxiety around my brother and sister, which kind of explains it, but I resent it hugely. It surprises me so much when I see pictures of myself at any age under ten (when I started to get fat for real), because there's such a difference between how I looked in my mind and how I really was.

Then I went to a vile boarding school for seven years. I was bullied every day and I had no ability or tools to deal with it. I was totally innocent and unprepared. I was told on the regular that I was fat, ugly, retarded, needed a face transplant, nobody would ever love me or fuck me, that I smelled, that my clothes were shit (tbf true, but still). There was nowhere safe to be, and no safe way to be me. I retreated into books, only to have a teacher tell me that I was too quiet and she wanted to see me joining in more. I'm sure she meant well, but I went to the toilets and cried and cried. She took away the last thing I had left that I enjoyed and let me escape from the horrors elsewhere. She took that and told me it wasn't good enough. I CAN'T TRY ANY FUCKING HARDER, BITCH.

It left me with complex PTSD, I'm still working through it thirty years later. Even though I'm now happily married with kids and have been objectively very successful in my career, I still feel it's all a mistake and it'll be snatched away from me at any point. I have rejection sensitive dysphoria. I really get the others on this thread who've said they feel unsafe to make a mistake or to ask for anything for themselves, and that they feel responsible for the happiness of everyone around them. That's all me. It is fucking annoying because I expend so much pointless energy just in getting through the day without collapsing. If I didn't have to do this I'd have a bastard Nobel Prize by now.

I've had a fuckton of therapy and I'm still a pile of neuroses loosely held together with...fuck knows what, actually, since I gave up drinking. Glad I did, obviously, as it nearly killed me and I have no idea why DH didn't leave me, with all that I put him through.