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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I tell kids they have half siblings

110 replies

Uniqueusername2 · 11/08/2023 18:17

My ex husband had kids from a previous relationship he lost touch with when they became teens and the mother refused access. He recently had a health scare and reached out to them (now adults) but they didn’t respond.
We have 2 kids together who are now also teenagers. My ex doesn’t want to tell them
about their half siblings. I have told him he should as I don’t like keeping secrets from them, but I don’t feel it’s my place to tell them. But I worry about them finding out, at his funeral or some other way, and my kids being angry I didn’t tell them when he was alive so they could ask him about them.
aibu to want him to tell them, or do you think I should keep the secret as they may never find out ?
yabu - it’s not your place to tell them
yanbu - they have a right to know

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 11/08/2023 18:19

They are your kids too, I’d tell them. It wrong to keep that from them.

Callyem · 11/08/2023 18:21

They deserve to know.

madeinmanc · 11/08/2023 18:50

It will come out in the end, believe me.

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/08/2023 18:52

Finding out when one of them does a DNA test for fun is the worst way to find out.

They deserve to know.

OliveHenry · 11/08/2023 18:53

My cousin's dad died when she was a toddler. Her mum never told her that her dad had two children from an earlier marriage. She found out when she was in her 40s, and her relationship with her mum never really recovered. So in my mind, the sooner they know, the better.

eeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk · 11/08/2023 18:54

I can't believe they don't know already.

Is he ashamed of them?

You must tell them.

MixedTocopherols · 11/08/2023 18:54

Of course they have a right to know.

Tell him that he can either tell them himself or you will do it, but you’re not going to lie by omission to your children over something so significant.

nevynevster · 11/08/2023 18:54

You really need to push him to tell them. This is his story not yours and I think you've made some excellent points about how they'd feel if they found out at a funeral etc. The longer he leaves it the harder it will be but they definitely have a right to know.
But I strongly feel this is his thing to tell not yours. Yes they are your joint kids but I think it will complicate matters a lot if you tell them without his consent. So I think you are right to just push him to tell them rather than tell them yourself

GoodChat · 11/08/2023 18:57

They should have been told long before now.
He can't just pretend they don't exist.

He lost touch with his other children at the age yours are now and didn't fight for them. That's awful. Don't let him let these children down too.

clpsmum · 11/08/2023 18:59

Find it shocking tbh that they are teenagers and neither of you have told them. Just awful

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 11/08/2023 19:00

I’m amazed you’re only considering telling them now, when they’re already teenagers!
Even now, they’re going to wonder why you kept something so fundamental a secret for so long.

Fireyflies · 11/08/2023 19:01

My mum found out about a half sibling only after all the older generation had died. She was hurt never to have been able to ask them questions about it. So I'd tell your DH that they need to know and that you'll tell them if he doesn't.

Merryoldgoat · 11/08/2023 19:03

I’d tell them but I don’t have much patience for big domineering man-children.

CalistoNoSolo · 11/08/2023 19:06

Well he was clearly a terrible father to his older children, and the fact that they want nothing to do with him speaks volumes. He doesn't want you to tell the children you share because he will have to answer questions about why he so casually lost touch with his older children. He sounds horrible actually. I hope he's a committed father now, and a good husband.

CalistoNoSolo · 11/08/2023 19:07

Just realised he's your ex, so you know how horrible he is already. Yes, tell your children, of course they should know.

LilyLemonade · 11/08/2023 19:12

You are absolutely right to want to tell them. It does need to come from him but you also cannot keep a secret from them forever. Discuss with him first. Maybe consult a family therapist so that there is a strategy and some support available for him and your DC.

YallaYallaaa · 11/08/2023 19:12

My cousins were in a simple position and found out when their half sister contacted them on Facebook. They felt both their parents had lied to them.

They’re now very close to the half sister, but still feel let down by their parents.

EBearhug · 11/08/2023 19:13

There's never going to be a right time to tell them, so get on and tell them. It would have been easier had they known from early on they had other siblings, even if they never meet. But you can't turn back time, and you are where you are.

I found out I had a half-sibling at 26, and it really turned my life upside down and affected my ability to trust anyone for a long time. I think I'd have coped better had I grown up knowing.

Mountainpika · 11/08/2023 19:16

When we traced my husband's birth mother she had told her adult children a few years before that she had had a son when a teenager. We were all so glad she had told them. Our arrival in their lives could otherwise have been rather a shock to them. But they welcomed us with open arms and even though their mum has since died, we're very close as a family.
So yes, tell them.

Silvers11 · 11/08/2023 19:21

nevynevster · 11/08/2023 18:54

You really need to push him to tell them. This is his story not yours and I think you've made some excellent points about how they'd feel if they found out at a funeral etc. The longer he leaves it the harder it will be but they definitely have a right to know.
But I strongly feel this is his thing to tell not yours. Yes they are your joint kids but I think it will complicate matters a lot if you tell them without his consent. So I think you are right to just push him to tell them rather than tell them yourself

This!

CadhlaWren · 11/08/2023 19:23

He should have told them a long time ago. It will be even more difficult now that they are teens.

Scienceadvisory · 11/08/2023 19:24

Why do you want them to know now? If you've been fine keeping this secret from them for so long what has changed? I think they have a right to know but I also think you need to examine your motivation behind your desire to tell them now.

NotTellingYouMyRealOne · 11/08/2023 19:27

BIL currently expects us to not mention to his two younger children he also has a teenager daughter... this includes our children who are very close to their cousin.

Its not fair on any of them. Everyone is tiptoeing around the situation as no one wants to hurt the little ones, as none of this situation is their doing.

Yours are teenagers and need to know the truth.

bridgetreilly · 11/08/2023 19:29

They absolutely need to know and your husband should tell them.

Badbudgeter · 11/08/2023 19:33

I found out my ex had been previously married with 2 children that he’d omitted to mention. They’d of been 15/20 when we met. I didn’t know for ten years!

I haven’t told the Dc, I just feel like it’s his issue to resolve and I have no answers . I don’t know where they live or anything about them.

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