Should I tell kids they have half siblings

[Uniqueusername2]

My ex husband had kids from a previous relationship he lost touch with when they became teens and the mother refused access. He recently had a health scare and reached out to them (now adults) but they didn’t respond.
We have 2 kids together who are now also teenagers. My ex doesn’t want to tell them
about their half siblings. I have told him he should as I don’t like keeping secrets from them, but I don’t feel it’s my place to tell them. But I worry about them finding out, at his funeral or some other way, and my kids being angry I didn’t tell them when he was alive so they could ask him about them.
aibu to want him to tell them, or do you think I should keep the secret as they may never find out ?
yabu - it’s not your place to tell them
yanbu - they have a right to know

And obviously you have to tell them. Piss poor parenting to keep secrets like that.

@LocoCocoa I get it. It's awful that you're in this position. I find this subject very upsetting because my ex husband has abandoned our son who has now been airbrushed out of existence. My son is also autistic and the impact on him has been horrific. Further, my ex husbands father did this too and two adult children appeared years later. It didn't end well. My sympathies lay with them as they had been treated so badly. Perhaps take some advice on how to approach this. I don't have any answers, I've seen both sides. I'm sorry you're having to navigate this

Thank you for your kind comment, I’m really sorry that your sons father has done this, it must be awful for him.

I was only 16 when I met ex dh, he told me the child wasn’t his and teenage me believed it. It was several years later after ds2 was born that a CSA mandated DNA test proved it was his child. Dh wasn’t interested, I had 2 young children and we lived hundreds of miles away, I admit I put it out my mind. We split up 2 years later and I never thought much of it until last year when ex dh took his own life. It’s not an easy call to make, perhaps it would be easier if ds’s were neurotypical.

Also, apologies @Uniqueusername2 I don’t mean to impose on your thread, just haven’t seen this topic come up before and sadly relate.

It actually is your duty to tell them and his. The kids or their decendents might meet in future so it's important to know who is related to who. Genetic mutual attraction is a thing, so honesty is the best policy.

@LocoCocoa what an awful situation for you. Also for the abandoned child who is only going to face horrible news. I don't know how your begin to navigate that. Ultimately, none of this is your fault and you were very young. No judgement from me with that (I do judge grown ass OW in my case who only wanted her son around and not mine!).

@LocoCocoa pressed send too soon! Is there anybody you can discuss this with? Does your son get any support outside the home?

@TheFormidableMrsC I often think of him, I don’t know if he knows he has siblings or if he knows his father is dead. I know his name from the CSA info and have tried to look him up since ex died, out of curiosity, I suppose. I suppose also wondering if contact would be possible, but found nothing.

Unfortunately ds1 doesn’t get any outside support and hasn’t since lockdown, when services eventually restarted he refused to engage. Ds2 is now also on the pathway for diagnosis and also in bereavement counselling atm. They have both been broken since their dad died, I’m terrified to make things worse.

That’s ok :-)
it’s something I’ve been struggling with more and more as they get older.

Of course, an absolute nightmare for you. I wonder if this is something you could put to the bereavement counsellor and see if they might be able to offer advice? Is there a school family liaison officer? Ours was absolutely amazing during my own experience. It's worth asking I think?