Should I tell kids they have half siblings

[Uniqueusername2]

My ex husband had kids from a previous relationship he lost touch with when they became teens and the mother refused access. He recently had a health scare and reached out to them (now adults) but they didn’t respond.
We have 2 kids together who are now also teenagers. My ex doesn’t want to tell them
about their half siblings. I have told him he should as I don’t like keeping secrets from them, but I don’t feel it’s my place to tell them. But I worry about them finding out, at his funeral or some other way, and my kids being angry I didn’t tell them when he was alive so they could ask him about them.
aibu to want him to tell them, or do you think I should keep the secret as they may never find out ?
yabu - it’s not your place to tell them
yanbu - they have a right to know

Obviously not for no reason. My reply was written quickly between doing other things. Thanks for your input.

I think, this information is something they have a right to know.

Rather than it being his right to tell them, it's their right to know, that matters.

Personally I'd be giving him an ultimatum - either he tells them in his own way and his own words by x date, or I'll be doing it - for them, not him.

How terribly sad.

Please tell them asap.

I think they deserve to know and that you should tell them. I certainly don't think they should have been told before becoming teenagers and its a lot for young children to understand.
I was a teenager when I was told information about my family that I'm glad I didn't know when I was younger, so I'd just sit them down and explain. Leave it to them if they want to find out more because these things always come out in the end.

This.

I found out about my half sibling when I was about 14. It was pretty devastating, to say the very least. But I had a good(ish) relationship with them and my sibling also went on to be close. But it was awful at the time. He needs to tell them as soon as possible.

My DD has three older half siblings and two younger half sibs. She's never had contact with her dad and so subsequently none of the siblings knew about her. The other two sets of sibs (younger and older) also didn't know about each other either. DD knew about them because I've always been honest with her.

Few years ago she decided to contact her father - who ignored her - so she reached out to the 18 yr old of the younger sib set. Apparently could't trace the older set (who also have no contact with their DF) - he's a prince among men lol.

Blew up his world. The younger kids absolutely hate him for his lies.

One of the older set has just matched with DD on a genealogy site............

I'm reminded of the quote...
Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practice to deceive.

Let him know that if HE doesn't tell them by a certain date then you will tell them as they have a right to know, and you don't want them growing up thinking you're hiding things from them.

They have a right to know and one of you needs to tell them. If not him then that has to be you.
Be prepared for the messenger being very much shot though - your kids are going to be confused and angry at being lied to. I'd personally do a bit of research in how to break news of this magnitude first.

you cant keep a fundamental piece of information like this from your kids

Tell them. They will not be happy to know you have lied to them all of these years

I agree. They should have told the kids when little. They just kind of except things at that age. And they have kiddie type questions that are not so hard to answer. Then they just grow up with it knowing. They might questions more as they get older but there's no shock oh well horse has bolted

Tell them now so they understand whilst their Dad is alive. Imagine how stressful for your DC if this secret was discovered at your DH funeral. If you are the one left alive they'd blame you for not telling them. It's not like it's something terrible to be withheld. It's just a fact.

“he lost touch with when they became teens and the mother refused access”

🤣 were you very young when he told you that?

So he’s got older kids that are so much older than your teens, that they’ve never known about them? So that’s what - a 13+ year age gap between Family 1 and Family 2?

This!

I’m probably going against the grain here and admit the thread is too long to read all through. There is also a sprinkling of life experience in my response.

There are lots of families where there are unacknowledged half sibs. A previous family that is not spoken about. Kids sometimes pick up the vibe, overhear conversations which leads to an opening for revealing age appropriate conversation.

Im being devil’s advocate here …

There are lots of kids who don’t want to know their biological father and never will so why burden new family with info about them?

There are lots of families (watch Long Lost Family on ITV) who as adults suddenly find they have half sibs when they’re adults and are delighted to meet them.

There are lots of children who use genealogy sites & as adults find all sorts of biological relatives.

Those kids are your husbands concern so if there’s any explaining or divulging to do it’s up to him.

Oh, his ex refused access and he was the poor victim with no way to see his children. Utter bullshit. Court action and he gets access. Not hard. Unless he was abusive or did something awful, and even then, they still get access.

He made a choice not to bother, if his story is at all true that she made it harder, and now he wants to sweep it under the rug and move on with new kids. Hopefully he doesn’t abandon them too.

He doesn't want them to know because it makes him look bad. He abandoned his children.

This is shocking. What a dreadful father. Didn't even fight for them. I don't know how any woman could marry a man who abandoned his own children.

He recently had a health scare and reached out to them (now adults) but they didn’t respond

Interesting that it took a health scare for him to reach out. If they had welcomed him with open arms, surely he’d have told your children then. He doesn’t want you to tell them because it suits his narrative. This prince is your ex - your loyalty is to your children, not him. Tell them.

Its not really up to you to tell them.Yes they are your DC as well.However If DH doesnt want to tell them I would leave it.Yes it may well come out at a later date but thats on him

m sure him moving to a different country was absolutely not the reason he didn't keep contact, it must be the fault of the kids mother.

The fact he reached out over his health issue tells you everything you need to know about just how selfish he is, doesn’t it?
I daresay his adult children have dealt with many things in the last 10-15 years (?) without him, as he ditched them. But no, he just expects them to jump when he says so 🙄

They really do have to be told. They have a right to know.

I'd tell him, you'd rather he told them, but if he won't you have to. It could ruin all your relationships if they find out another way.

Well yeah, and this.

He does sound like a bit of a dick of a father TBH OP