Page 2 | Should I tell kids they have half siblings

Uniqueusername2 · 2023-08-11T17:17:48+00:00

My ex husband had kids from a previous relationship he lost touch with when they became teens and the mother refused access. He recently had a health scare and reached out to them (now adults) but they didn’t respond. We have 2 kids together who are now also teenagers. My ex doesn’t want to tell them about their half siblings. I have told him he should as I don’t like keeping secrets from them, but I don’t feel it’s my place to tell them. But I worry about them finding out, at his funeral or some other way, and my kids being angry I didn’t tell them when he was alive so they could ask him about them. aibu to want him to tell them, or do you think I should keep the secret as they may never find out ? yabu - it’s not your place to tell them yanbu - they have a right to know

narniabusiness · 11/08/2023 19:38

There is such a thing as sibling attraction when related children brought up apart can become sexual partners if they don’t know they are related. You need to let them know for this reason too.

Thehouseofmarvels · 11/08/2023 19:39

Is there any chance these children could contact your children on social media? Or that your children might ever do a DNA test? What happens if they turn up at the funeral. If you choose to say nothing they may feel lied to by you too.

Cowlover89 · 11/08/2023 19:40

They have a right to know

TeaKitten · 11/08/2023 19:42

You shouldn’t have ever allowed this to be a secret from them, you’ve lied to them their whole lives.

Bellyblueboy · 11/08/2023 19:43

eeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk · 11/08/2023 18:54

I can't believe they don't know already.

Is he ashamed of them?

You must tell them.

No he is ashamed of himself. The crap absent father.

parents don’t lose touch with their children.

the children need to know. Their opinion of their dad will take a battering but they deserve the truth and the opportunity to have a relationship with their siblings if they want

Sexisthairdressers · 11/08/2023 19:45

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/08/2023 18:52

Finding out when one of them does a DNA test for fun is the worst way to find out.

They deserve to know.

How would they find out they have half siblings from a DNA test?

Curseofthenation · 11/08/2023 19:46

I don't think I could look at my DH in the same way if he has abandoned his DC like that. He should have fought for them. He knows that and he is ashamed. He should be.

Your DC deserve to know.

Radiatorvalves · 11/08/2023 19:46

My mother had 2 children before she met my dad. They were adopted. She was unable to tell us and dad told us 6 weeks after she died. He couldn’t break her confidence but equally it would have been so much better if we’d all been able to talk about it. I’ve known one of the adopted children for nearly 20 years. She missed out on a lot. He is very much part of the wider family.

Original poster

Uniqueusername2 · 11/08/2023 19:48

Thanks for the replies. I don’t even know if they know he had more kids but we live in a different country so the chances of them meeting by chance are small.
Ive brought it up many times but he would get upset or shut the conversation down. I really don’t think it’s up to me to tell them but I don’t think he ever will. I feel caught between two bad options - don’t tell them and be the bad guy if they find out, or tell them and upset everyone for no reason.
it’s good to get some outside perspective.

OP posts:

WunWun · 11/08/2023 19:50

I would absolutely tell them.

TeaKitten · 11/08/2023 19:51

Uniqueusername2 · 11/08/2023 19:48

Thanks for the replies. I don’t even know if they know he had more kids but we live in a different country so the chances of them meeting by chance are small.
Ive brought it up many times but he would get upset or shut the conversation down. I really don’t think it’s up to me to tell them but I don’t think he ever will. I feel caught between two bad options - don’t tell them and be the bad guy if they find out, or tell them and upset everyone for no reason.
it’s good to get some outside perspective.

If he won’t then it’s still up to you to tell them, you are their parent and they should no. You are complicit in this lie, a lie by omission is still a lie. Awful of your husband to just pretend they don’t exist.

Blueblell · 11/08/2023 19:54

Yes they should know- they will find out one day. It should be their Dad to tell them. I agree about the DNA ancestry thing as well. Obviously the other DC would have to be signed up to it as well, but lots of people find out things via this route.

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 11/08/2023 19:55

Uniqueusername2 · 11/08/2023 19:48

Thanks for the replies. I don’t even know if they know he had more kids but we live in a different country so the chances of them meeting by chance are small.
Ive brought it up many times but he would get upset or shut the conversation down. I really don’t think it’s up to me to tell them but I don’t think he ever will. I feel caught between two bad options - don’t tell them and be the bad guy if they find out, or tell them and upset everyone for no reason.
it’s good to get some outside perspective.

You’re not upsetting people for “no reason”
They have siblings; they need to know.

Blueblell · 11/08/2023 19:55

I would also be wondering why they didn’t want contact with their Dad if it was their mum that kept him from seeing them. There must be more to it?

Giraffe888 · 11/08/2023 19:59

I’ve got an older half sister on my dad’s side that he doesn’t see. Myself and my 4 siblings weren’t told about her until we were in our teens and even then we were only told incase we bumped into her as we got older. I took it very hard

BoohooWoohoo · 11/08/2023 19:59

I agree with your thinking and would tell them so that I didn't end up being in the crossfire for a decision that I didn't make.

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 11/08/2023 20:02

It must certainly make you view a parent differently, knowing they have other children they just walked away from…

Davros · 11/08/2023 20:15

Tell them. Secrets and Lies do so much damage.
I've got two separate sets of relatives who each had a brother (not Half sibling) they didn't know about. After it ruining her life in many ways, my DSiL told her DDs about the baby she'd had before she was married, her DH had always "forbidden" it. No-one was horrified, no-one judged her but it has proven too late for them to track him down. On the other side of the family, my four cousins were told about their brother after their parents had died. Their mum was an alcoholic and we all believe it was because of this traumatic experience. They found their brother and they are all really close and each other's families.
I know this isn't the same but next generations deserve to know

loopylou3030 · 11/08/2023 20:20

This happened to me. My Father was married before and had a son and a daughter that he abandoned didnt tell us although my Mother knew. When I was 18 she blurted it out to me. I tracked them down via the Salvation Army and it worked itself out. I was furious at the deception but it would have been worse finding out later and not being told!

MumOfOneAwesomeHuman · 11/08/2023 20:22

I promise you it will come out one way or another and they'll be angry you kept it a secret from them. I know of two similar situations like this amongst friends (one not telling a new partner & the child they had about a child they no longer saw and sure enough the child came looking for him when they were 18 and one where a friend didn't know they had a half sibling until dads funeral) and neither ended well.

Starlightstarbright2 · 11/08/2023 20:23

I would tell them . - give ex the chance to tell them on next contact visit - warn him you will tell them otherwise.

I told my Ds when he was young so no real mystery . He now never mentions half sibling.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2023 20:24

Secrets and lies. Bad bad idea to help him deceive his children.

I'd deadline him to tell them or I would.

Believe me it's generations of this crap in my family and it's toxic.

Wenfy · 11/08/2023 20:24

Tell them. It’s possible they might develop a relationship seperate from the father

SpilltheTea · 11/08/2023 20:28

I think your children have the right to know about their own family. I'm not surprised he doesn't want to face it, he should be ashamed of himself.

drinkuptheezider · 11/08/2023 20:30

I found out I have older half siblings in my mid 20s, it has made no difference to my life whatsoever. I haven't seen my father since I was a toddler, so I may have both older and younger siblings for all I know. I've never been interested in tracing him or them. They are not part of my life.