To rant and just offload my driving anxiety

[Heyyaheyya]

Long time poster on here-many years- but name change.
So I'm in my late 40s. Leant to drive approximately 5 years ago. Passed first time.
Automatic licence.
Hated learning but means to an end.
I'm very independent, never relied on lifts before learning. Luckily live in a part of the UK with great public transport. Happy to gets buses trains and tube when travelling around other cities. DH drove on UK holidays. Always said was happy to do so. Never pushed me to learn to drive.

Imagined life after passing to be great fun with even more independence. Days out with Dc, visiting friends in other parts of the UK. All the big things I only really did with Dh around.

So I passed and was delighted. Quickly bought a little Toyota Aygo on finance and was ready to go. Except I wasn't.
Car arrived and I was terrified of driving alone. Car practically sat on the drive for 6months without me going nowhere apart from the local shops.
DH offered to come out with me but I suppose I was too proud and embarrassed. If I was 17 yeah, but a middle aged woman and the oldest learner in my family.
DH a very experienced driver of 30 years and didn't and still doesn't get it.

So the moment of him helping passed. I had a couple of lessons with an instructor and I'm not sure it helped. Had CBT and one hypnosis session.

So fast forward to now!! I'm better than I ever was. Drive most days. Usually familiar routes and places and will drive to unfamiliar if I have no choice. Or can't get out of it. But this is all still very limited. I'm.talking a maximum 20 mile journey. No big days out, no trips to the beach. No exciting weekends away.
Never been on the motorway. I live in a busy area so do busy roads and dual carriageways.

None of this comes naturally and I micro plan new journeys. I f ind it all anxiety inducing. I'm OK ish with parking and a million times better than I was at first, but other manoeuvres I'm not.
I think my spatial awareness , even in my teeny car is crap. I find judging room from kerb etc quite hard although I think I've finally got to the stage with my car when I pretty much get it.

(Bear in mind that 5 years since passing and having a car doesn't equal 5 years of experience in my case).

So my car went into the garage yesterday for some work and will be there about 2 weeks.
Today I received a courtesy car and its a huge family car. I could have cried. Its new and its beautiful but I cant drive it. Its too big a nd too unfamiliar.

I've scraped my little car in the past, on the wall and drive(no other cars) and I couldn't even begin to navigate this machine.
I feel so shit today at my hopelessness.
I've had a moment where I realised this is literally the end of the road

I cant pootle along like an old lady forever!!! when my car comes back, I'm forking out on advanced lessons and if it doesn't work I'm giving up.

Anyone had any similar feelings or experiences to me and overcame it?

Not much help but I hate driving and I've been doing it for 40 years. I thought the other day that if I knew then what I know now, I'd never have taken my test. I hate going anywhere I don't know, and I'm not much better at places I've been to a few times, although once I've done the journey a lot of times I'm better. (Don't say use a sat nav, I have tried and still got lost) I have no sense of direction and I know I'll get lost, so panic before I even start.

I had a big car, an estate, but when I have to use the other car, I'd rather walk. The other car is a bit smaller but it's an automatic and I'm frightened I'm going to damage my dh's pride and joy. To be fair, the other day I thought sod it, got in it and drove it fine, I think it's the thought of it rather than the doing of it that's the issue, IYSWIM?
I don't really have a solution but solidarity, I know how you feel. I think you just have to grit your teeth and get on with it, and the more you do it the more comfortable you'll be.

I understand totally. I don't think I have ever got into a car without thinking I would be killed on the journey.
I ended up as an estate agent and was driving all day through a big city and surrounds and still hated it. This was the days before sat nav and I had to plan my route every night.
I never had a serious accident, just a few bumps, but I never loved it.

None of my family could understand me but it is the way I am. I don't drive now, but if anything happened to my husband I would have to. Do what you have to do and don't worry about doing any more.

You've done better than me. I've had a license similar amount of time. Older learner and passed all the tests first time on a manual. I will only drive an auto now. Have not gone on a dual carriageway for years and only driven about 8 miles from home. I work from home, but have been stressed with juggling young kids, FT work and other issues and I just haven't had the headspace to overcome it. I haven't driven for a year nearly due to car being scrapped and not really having a need for one due to WFH. Other half wants to get an auto for us both to use, but it will be a bigger car and I will be nervous. I miss it too though. It's very weird!

You will be ok OP. Driving phobia is more common than you think. I think you have done well so far.

Thanks. Definitely sometimes the thought is worse than the actual doing .
I wish I'd never bothered learning in a way, as it's not bought the joy and excitement I expected.
In fact, it's worse, knowing I could go somewhere far and exciting but can't..
Yeah, I'm not great at even places ive been,but better.

Thanks.
Mines like taking up too much headspace.
I probably only typically drive 10 miles max per day. DC are growing up fast and soon I will have no one to take anywhere 😥

I've been driving a long time and I hate it. Ironically I was more confident driving when I was young, I think as you get older and have children that rely on you, you become more aware of the dangers and your own mortality. Plus the roads are busier now and other drivers seem more aggressive.
I think some people just aren't natural drivers, it's a good life skill to have but no shame in it not being for you.

I feel like that. I was over the moon when I passed, but then saw danger everywhere that I didn't when I was learning.

I see grannies and 17 year olds driving confidently and feel embarrassed that I can't do the same. I wonder what the secret is. OH doesn't get it as he literally needed five lessons when it was less strict.

Just see it that driving serves you well within those 8 miles. It is better than not driving. I think it's actually having the time to overcome it that's the barrier.

I have loads of Unhelpful family saying oh it's fine, just do it.
They are normal people though, who passed their tests and drove everywhere from day dot.
Not like me, who will walk rather than have yet another anxiety inducing journey which is a piece of cake to normal people.

This morning too, I had something else upset me. Best friend who always says she understands and doesn't like driving herself. Tells me not very confident.
I showed her a pic of my courtesy car. Asked her if she would be stressed driving a new and big vehicle. And she said not not all. Which baffled me. Made another jokey comment about Me being a stress head.

And now I feel a major fool for confiding in her!! I hardly ever tell people for this reason.
Most people see a woman of my age and presume I've been driving 20 odd years.

Have some more hypnosis. There's a part of your subconscious which is triggering your fear/anxiety response and it's neither helpful nor useful.

I could have more more hypnosis ,but I think the fear is real in the sense I'm very inexperienced. I passed yeah, but never developed my skills. So I'm like a new driver

Give yourself a break, OP! You’re taking this too personally. It’s not failure or weakness. Some people are better at things than others. If you struggle with spatial awareness (a key skill when driving!) that’s ok. If you don’t enjoy driving, that’s ok. I also get very anxious when driving but I keep taking baby steps to get more experience and hopefully feel less wibbly about it. I’m not ashamed of it, it’s just my personality to be cautious and I also struggle to judge distance/speed when visibility is low (like when it rains) which makes me anxious on the motorway. I’ve never had a bump. Most importantly I’m kind to myself - I'm my own biggest cheerleader - to help myself feel more confident and take more risky journeys so that one day I’ll drive and not worry anymore. Chill out and plod on, OP! No embarrassment needed, just a spot of courage and a cup of self-kindness.

You are me about 8 years ago. I was terrified driving anywhere and actually vommed the morning I first had to do a motorway. I saw danger everywhere that a young 17 year old wouldn't. I was god awful at parking and planned each trip to within an inch of its life.

How I got over it was getting a job where I had to drive to varying locations each week. I made mistakes, got lost, scraped my car. I gave myself a debrief after every 'incident' and learned from every mistake. After 6 months of driving I realised I'd lost the fear. I started to look forward to singing my favourite songs on a trip.

I'm not perfect but I'm safe and have good awareness (plus I can park like a boss now - except parallel, never got that)

Talking about your own car, what about finding an instructor with the same one and having a motorway lesson or something like that? Would the fact the car had dual controls make you feel more confident?

I meant to add, I did take some pass plus lessons when I started driving for work. The instructor spent most of his time on his phone, evidently he had more confidence in me than I did.

If it's any consolation, I've been driving since 1995 but am close to losing my nerve. The roads in this country are a flippin nightmare. There are just too many cars. It's as simple as that. Where I live, in rural Essex, the country lanes now have the traffic of an A-road. Everybody is super aggressive, and drives too fast, because they're sick of the queues and frequently late. If it gets any worse we'll have to start booking time slots. Many parts of my home town are now only accessible at certain times. I wouldn't dream of driving to Tesco at 11 a.m on a Saturday, for example.

It's completely natural and normal to be nervous of doing something for the first time - think of your first day at school, your first job, being a new mum for the first time, etc. But that fear faded as you grew in knowledge and experience. You need to dig into why this isn't happening with your driving even though I'm better than I ever was. Drive most days. Usually familiar routes and places and will drive to unfamiliar if I have no choice. There's some mental block there that's stopping you.

You’re afraid of being afraid. I was terrified to begin with & hoped I’d die in my sleep so I didn’t have to drive the next morning. But once I’d had a bit if a scrape rather then a bump, I was fine. I had a motor bike which I was afraid of too, until someone told me it was the same as a bike but it made a noise. Once I realized that it was the noise that I was afraid of I was OK. It’s just the way it is, some people only go local & drive if they have to, whilst others will go anywhere.

I used to be similar, although maybe not to quite the same extreme! I literally refused to drive at all for weeks after I passed my test.

The difference is I eventually just pushed through it, drove daily in rush hour, made myself go on motorways and long journeys regularly and I genuinely don’t give a toss now (apart from being annoyed at the many, many idiots on the road). In fact on sunny days I actually quite enjoy driving now!

I also now own a giant 4x4 which I drive in another country on the other side of the road! I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing that ten years ago.

I would add though that a reversing camera and parking sensors really help with manoeuvres… takes a lot of the stress out for me!!

I passed my test first time 9 years ago at the age of 52. About a month after I passed my test my husband was driving and we had a crash. I felt completely unable to get in a car again not to drive and not as a passenger. I had hypnotherapy which really helped. I chose hypnotherapy rather than anything else as to me my fear was totally irrational and unexplainable.
I realised that it may have been better to have failed my test first time and retaken it as I would then have had more experience of driving.
I have driven more this year than ever before as my husband has been unable to drive - it’s still not great but it’s getting better-
it is definitely a skill that can be improved with practise

I wasn't a nervous driver when I passed but equally I wouldn't go put of my comfort zone either. I worried about breaking down, getting lost, having a crash (I was in a bad one 6 months after passing, not my fault btw). I got a mobile (when they became more common) a sat nav, breakdown cover and a decent car and realised I now had no excuse. I wizz around all over the place now without a second thought. But it took years to get that confidence

It's totally normal to feel apprehensive about driving a much bigger car for the first time.

Many people would feel nervous about that.

I LOVE driving and my car. It's a place where I am the boss. I decide the temperature, the music, the route I take. I've even been known to go there for conference calls, as I can get peace and quiet.

BUT..

You can't choose what you're scared of, whether it be spiders, clowns, balloons or whatever. I think EVERYONE has at least one fear that frustrates them because they know it doesn't really make sense.
And a fear of driving DOES make sense really. Cars are big lumps of metal that in the wrong or unlucky hands kill people.

I think you've done well to get as far as you have and should stop beating yourself up.

Have you tried a bigger car? I'm a confident driver and will happily go anywhere including abroad. Recently had to take a fiat 500 on the motorway (I started with a 2l car) and it was more scary than coming out of the airport for the 1st time! My current car is a mini JCW so pretty nippy and chunky it feels very safe on the motorways

This is sooo true. DH Doesn't get my fear. But he's sacred of spiders, whereas I'd pretty much happily pick a big one up!!
Just because the fear seems silly to everyone else, doesn't make it less real.
Family saying oh I love driving!! Well I don't. Wish I did, but I don't.