To rant and just offload my driving anxiety

[Heyyaheyya]

Long time poster on here-many years- but name change.
So I'm in my late 40s. Leant to drive approximately 5 years ago. Passed first time.
Automatic licence.
Hated learning but means to an end.
I'm very independent, never relied on lifts before learning. Luckily live in a part of the UK with great public transport. Happy to gets buses trains and tube when travelling around other cities. DH drove on UK holidays. Always said was happy to do so. Never pushed me to learn to drive.

Imagined life after passing to be great fun with even more independence. Days out with Dc, visiting friends in other parts of the UK. All the big things I only really did with Dh around.

So I passed and was delighted. Quickly bought a little Toyota Aygo on finance and was ready to go. Except I wasn't.
Car arrived and I was terrified of driving alone. Car practically sat on the drive for 6months without me going nowhere apart from the local shops.
DH offered to come out with me but I suppose I was too proud and embarrassed. If I was 17 yeah, but a middle aged woman and the oldest learner in my family.
DH a very experienced driver of 30 years and didn't and still doesn't get it.

So the moment of him helping passed. I had a couple of lessons with an instructor and I'm not sure it helped. Had CBT and one hypnosis session.

So fast forward to now!! I'm better than I ever was. Drive most days. Usually familiar routes and places and will drive to unfamiliar if I have no choice. Or can't get out of it. But this is all still very limited. I'm.talking a maximum 20 mile journey. No big days out, no trips to the beach. No exciting weekends away.
Never been on the motorway. I live in a busy area so do busy roads and dual carriageways.

None of this comes naturally and I micro plan new journeys. I f ind it all anxiety inducing. I'm OK ish with parking and a million times better than I was at first, but other manoeuvres I'm not.
I think my spatial awareness , even in my teeny car is crap. I find judging room from kerb etc quite hard although I think I've finally got to the stage with my car when I pretty much get it.

(Bear in mind that 5 years since passing and having a car doesn't equal 5 years of experience in my case).

So my car went into the garage yesterday for some work and will be there about 2 weeks.
Today I received a courtesy car and its a huge family car. I could have cried. Its new and its beautiful but I cant drive it. Its too big a nd too unfamiliar.

I've scraped my little car in the past, on the wall and drive(no other cars) and I couldn't even begin to navigate this machine.
I feel so shit today at my hopelessness.
I've had a moment where I realised this is literally the end of the road

I cant pootle along like an old lady forever!!! when my car comes back, I'm forking out on advanced lessons and if it doesn't work I'm giving up.

@Eviebeans
I get this.
Sorry about the crash but glad you are getting back out there!!
I sometimes wish I'd failed.first time, continued with lessons and improved.
I feel I did the bare minimum to pass.
I can forward bay park ok, almost never reverse park. And as for parallel parking- never attempted it.
It's a joke.

@DougtheSpud
Absolutely this!
Young kids driving and old ladies and then there's me.
I could weep, as tomorrow I have to be in work for 9am.
Takes 30 min in a car but I will have to get the bus, which are less frequent on a Saturday. So I will have to get up at 6am and it will take me approx 1 hr 15 min.
I have a courtesy car parked outside ffs!
But I cant use that for the first time like a normal person would.

I work in a very busy area. Took me ages to get even remotely ok with driving there. Lots of very aggressive drivers even when driving at the correct speed limit, tailgating. Several very narrow residential streets. I know my car fits through them. But this big car??!

I could go the bus route but that's a 'new' driving route for me. So what can I do?!
Even if I had wanted, ive had no chance to practice in this car.
I wish I could go back 5 years and had support of dh at the time, then now I could have asked him today to come for a little drive with me. I cannot do that now after so long as he says 'oh not this again!' And is properly exasperated.
Also, I feel ashamed that he would see how nervous I am.
And ALSO! What if I scraped this car? I've scraped my aygo which is teeny and an idiot could park that, so what hope do I actually have?
I should have addressed this a long time ago, rather than be in a situation now where I can literally only d rive one car. A city car and that's that.

Could you have a practise in the courtesy car tonight?
Big cars can seem daunting but they're really no harder to drive and make you feel a lot safer. People don't bully you as much as in a small car either!

10 miles a day? That’s amazing

you are doing so well given you have that anxiety. I’m like you but had a licence for 15 years. In London

only started driving local journeys now as I need to with kids - and honestly 3 miles locally is what I can do. Just working myself up slowly. Eg can bay park fairly easily now but not reverse park.

I got a good instructor - thought we would drive around the suburbs but he got me on the motorway in that same lesson!

im hesitant to go on A roads alone but will do so in time…

you are doing so well and should be proud - keep going at your own pace

And with the big car - just practice on quieter roads initially

It's too late now as it's dark and I have no-one to go with me and I'd be worried on my own. I'd never ask DH, it's something I need to tackle myself. Plus now I've just poured myself a large glass of wine.😀
I just need to deal with this and make sure I never get in this situation again.
I get my limitations with my driving and I can accept my little journeys are better than nothing. But I feel unprepared for when things go wrong.
I had a few situations when I've been in a tight spot, I've gotten out of it , more than I could say a year a ago, but I've been very flustered and it's played on my mind after. It shouldn't be this fucking hard surely? I can't keep doing this.

I agree, I do feel bullied in my little car. Plus I feel visibility is really poor. So I guess a bigger car would be better on that score.

@Namechangedforthis25
Thanks🙂
Not 10 miles every day. On a GOOD day lol.

You’re not alone op, I drive 10 miles a week and that’s too much. I frequently find myself spending hours on the train to do a journey that would take half the time to drive, my car just sits on the driveway whilst I walk to the station.

but at least we can say we’re doing our bit for the environment 😂

That’s still amazing

maybe set yourself a goal - and go on a Sunday morning

or honestly just go with your DH.

my dh didn’t want to get in the car with me! But now asks me to give him lifts! (again locally within a small radius)

The thing is I dont feel equipped or safe to do this.
If I'm mithering still ,about my tiny car, 5 years on. And I've scraped and bumped thats, so what hope really do I have with this car 3 x the size.
I don't feel as though I'd be safe.

There arent many quiet places by me. I could try a supermarket at night, but asda and tesco are open 24 hrs!! Plus to get there I'd have to drive on my road(busy and lots of parked cars, shops and some workplaces!)
And major bus routes too
I would have to drive at the crack of dawn on a Sunday.
I would love nothing more than to get in this shiny almost brand new car and go for a drive but its just not feasible.
And I've got a lot of work lined up. By the time I get a suitable day, my car will be back.
This is just beyond ridiculous.

Thanks for the encouragement. 😊 But DH is not an option.
That ship has sailed.
I've never been in my car with him. It's an issue now. I need to overcome it without him as it's been too long and he doesn't understand and thinks I should just drive and I will be fine.

Hey I say the same !!!

I stopped driving for ten years....now I'm doing VanLife for a year! Little and often is the key! I now teach other women how to get through fear...

Lots and lots of women get overwhelmed by driving, you're really not alone.

Do not give up. Even if you can only locally drive that could be an absolute lifeline one day. What if your husband couldn’t drive for any reason? If you could only get the shopping then it would be a massive help. All cars are the same to drive, you are scared of a bigger car but it will be the same to drive? Could you not even try it on a car park or somewhere you know is safe away from traffic?

I get it OP. I can't drive (failed test at 17, never drove again - now in my 40s). The more years that pass, the more absolutely certain I am that I will never drive. My parents and partner don't get it.

You only really learn to drive once you go out on your own, passed the test. It's common for new drivers to bump and scrape their cars. Which is why you shouldn't buy a nice, new car for a first time driver.

I was like you OP, I do think it takes practice. But also knowing what your weaknesses are!

I was scared of motorways, now love them! They are sooooo easy to drive on, yes the speed is scary but you just have to go straight. Nothing confusing! If you don't want to overtake just stay in the left lane.

I'm bad with tight spaces and multi-lane roundabouts. I get so confused, which lane goes where, but I just go the wrong way if I'm unsure. As long it's safe. I will get lost loads of times but get there eventually.

Not delaying BUT do go for the advanced driver course, everyone should. The skills they teach are invaluable and if everyone did this the roads would be so safe.

Not relating!!!! Doh

As an aside I don't know where OP lives but these are impossible to get around here! East Manchester.
I passed 2 years ago, decided I needed some more practice. I'm the only driver in the family.

Been on waiting lists for 6 months now. Nobody wants to do these, instructors are booked up for new learners let alone advanced!

I get it. I learned to drive at 19. 20 years later I still hate it. I drive daily to work/school/clubs/shops and that is fine but I don't go anywhere far and don't like going places that I don't know.

I so wish I could take my kids on day trips when DH isn't here or arrange to meet friends at attractions but I just don't. I'd make it there and back I'm sure but I would hate evey minute of the drive and also the whole activity waiting for the drive back.

I think I've narrowed it down to I hate changing lanes. I never know if I can go now or will the person that I cut in front of be furious with me or will i cause a crash. I cannot drive on motorways because of merging on. Its an impossible thought for me. I sit as a passenger waiting to go on the motorway or as a driver going past the on ramp and I look in awe at the drivers ready to go on that don't even look worried! How? How can they not be having a panic attack at the thought of squeezing in between cars driving at speed. What if theres no space and noone lets them in? How can they be sure there's enough space and they're not about to cause a pile up. Even on 30 limit roads, I hate changing lanes.

I'm not sure what it is I need to help me with this. I wonder if it's routed in my self esteem and not wanting to 'take up space' or if my brain can't process the space maths as quickly as my body needs to make the move. Sigh. Sorry, this is a rant but I get it. Do u think yours could be self esteem related too?

Hi OP. I feel exactly the same :( I only drive routes I am familiar with. When there is a diversion I panic. Where possible I try and use public transport. It been 5 years since I passed but I still can’t shake of that anxiety. I avoid motorways. Never been on one. If I have to drive somewhere other than work I feel so anxious.

I’m exactly the same. I have always hated driving and forced myself to do it.

I am dyspraxic, could that apply to you OP? What’s your sense of direction like? Can you ride a bike? You mentioned that your spatial skills are part of the problem which is why I am mentioning it.

I had about six sessions of hypnotherapy. I still hate driving anywhere new, but I find since the invention of the Sat nav, this is much better. I can’t understand a route by looking at it, but I just do what it tells me to do.

Keep trying.

I'm not sure if this will help, but these days there are lots and lots of helpful videos on YT:

There was a great one which divided the mirror into 4 quarters and guides you through how far a car is depending on which quarter it's in, but I can't find it!

Once I watched a couple of these it set my brain in the correct 'frame'

It took me 7 attempts to pass my manual test and I still won’t drive an auto. I will drive anywhere though but I don’t like it if I’m on a road that looks weird or is a weird layout and I’m always wishing for someone to be infront of me so they can show me the way. It is hard and scary but as you are doing the only way to face these things are head on which you are by getting advanced messages.

Oh my god. Are you me? I passed 6 years ago and only started driving last month. 10 minute journey to work each day on one straight road. Too wimpy to do anything else. It TERRIFIES me and I hate myself for feeling like this. Any time I do something wrong, I'm dwelling on it for days :(
I guess we just have to stick at it and go a bit further every now and then. Easier said than done I know but you're not alone. We will get there in the end