To rant and just offload my driving anxiety

[Heyyaheyya]

Long time poster on here-many years- but name change.
So I'm in my late 40s. Leant to drive approximately 5 years ago. Passed first time.
Automatic licence.
Hated learning but means to an end.
I'm very independent, never relied on lifts before learning. Luckily live in a part of the UK with great public transport. Happy to gets buses trains and tube when travelling around other cities. DH drove on UK holidays. Always said was happy to do so. Never pushed me to learn to drive.

Imagined life after passing to be great fun with even more independence. Days out with Dc, visiting friends in other parts of the UK. All the big things I only really did with Dh around.

So I passed and was delighted. Quickly bought a little Toyota Aygo on finance and was ready to go. Except I wasn't.
Car arrived and I was terrified of driving alone. Car practically sat on the drive for 6months without me going nowhere apart from the local shops.
DH offered to come out with me but I suppose I was too proud and embarrassed. If I was 17 yeah, but a middle aged woman and the oldest learner in my family.
DH a very experienced driver of 30 years and didn't and still doesn't get it.

So the moment of him helping passed. I had a couple of lessons with an instructor and I'm not sure it helped. Had CBT and one hypnosis session.

So fast forward to now!! I'm better than I ever was. Drive most days. Usually familiar routes and places and will drive to unfamiliar if I have no choice. Or can't get out of it. But this is all still very limited. I'm.talking a maximum 20 mile journey. No big days out, no trips to the beach. No exciting weekends away.
Never been on the motorway. I live in a busy area so do busy roads and dual carriageways.

None of this comes naturally and I micro plan new journeys. I f ind it all anxiety inducing. I'm OK ish with parking and a million times better than I was at first, but other manoeuvres I'm not.
I think my spatial awareness , even in my teeny car is crap. I find judging room from kerb etc quite hard although I think I've finally got to the stage with my car when I pretty much get it.

(Bear in mind that 5 years since passing and having a car doesn't equal 5 years of experience in my case).

So my car went into the garage yesterday for some work and will be there about 2 weeks.
Today I received a courtesy car and its a huge family car. I could have cried. Its new and its beautiful but I cant drive it. Its too big a nd too unfamiliar.

I've scraped my little car in the past, on the wall and drive(no other cars) and I couldn't even begin to navigate this machine.
I feel so shit today at my hopelessness.
I've had a moment where I realised this is literally the end of the road

I cant pootle along like an old lady forever!!! when my car comes back, I'm forking out on advanced lessons and if it doesn't work I'm giving up.

Oh. Have you looked at iam road smart? we are all volunteers and highly skilled.

I’m an Observer (we teach people Advanced Driving)

Do go for it - if you go through IAM it’s pretty cost effective (I think).

Be totally upfront with your Observer when you get allocated one - a lot of people do the courses to pass their Advanced Driving Test which takes quite a bit, but we’re absolutely happy to help people ‘just’ build their confidence too (and Advanced Driving techniques will absolutely do that).

Whereabouts (roughly) in the UK are you?

Waves at @KajsaKavat 👋🏻 🚗

Beep beep

I couldn't scroll by and not leave a comment as word for word this was me for years although I passed when I was 17 I didn't drive for another 10 years and when I eventually did despite being a good driver was juet so anxious and overthought everything! It didn't help that I had exposure through past work to some horrid accident claims and just made me hyper anxious re people stupidity when driving or crap luck = death. I just had to unlearn it all and force myself to rationalise things as I know what I was thinking was irrational and coming from fear which induced anxiety. So I like you took baby steps , First usual routes then unfamiliar ones ,pushing myself little by little but making sure there was somewhere I could park ok the other end mattered alot to me I.e. not get stressed trying to parallel park on a tiny street or something ( my worst nightmare) . Then as more Dc came just made myself do it for them I'd tell myself can't let kids suffer sort of give myself a pep talk re being pathetic mum all other mums do it etc etc, it helped.i know I sound unhinged here. Recently after forcing myself I've now done the motorway and honestly the relief I feel knowing I can now do it whe I need/ want to is something else. Don't worry worry abit Minor scratches and scrapes all part of learning curve and at the end of the day its just a car,all fully replaceable! Good luck OP

I’m dyslexic and dyspraxic. I think small cars can make driving worse for anxiety prone drivers. I was so stressed in my Yaris. Now I have a slightly bigger 5 door and feel much more secure. Just give it a short. Drive early morning / night and I’m sure you’ll love it

It’s normal! I have a new car and I was so scared to drive it but the more you do it the better you’ll feel, honestly. You’ll get used to it. It’s weird because people don’t understand- the gears feel different, the pedals are different, all the features like even windscreen wipers are different from car to car. That and actually trying to control the car! It’s a lot to deal with. You’ll get there you really will. Avoidance isn’t the answer, it might feel easier to avoid but that just reinforces the fear. You can drive your little car therefore you CAN drive any car, you wouldn’t have passed your test if you couldn’t. You can do it. Practise at quiet times, practise familiar routes, go to a big car park and practise parking there. If you are not sure there is a gap then do not take it. Leave safe gaps between the car ahead, and don’t let other road users put you off. Everyone’s impatient these days but they can literally wait. Try not to worry too much about things happening… you’re safe, modern cars are designed to keep you protected. Too much thought of the what ifs can be paralysing, we’d all never do anything if we dwelled. You’ll be fine xx

If you are this anxious it might be better not to drive at all.

This is me! I passed my test 15 years ago and have probably been behind the wheel 15 times since then.
I really can’t understand why it makes me so anxious, if I could just drive locally to take my kids to clubs etc I’d be happy

I didn't learn to drive until I was 25; I'm very uncoordinated with terrible spatial awareness (later learnt that I have dyspraxia and ADHD when I was 35) and grew up in London with the great transport links, so there was no real incentive. But then I met my now DH who had grown up in a Midlands new town that had no train station and with shit one-an-hour buses that only ran between 8am and 7pm, Monday to Saturday. He had learnt at 17 and thought it was insane that I didn't have this life skill. He took me out in his auto a few times and then I got auto lessons and passed first time within only a couple of months.

But like you I was TERRIFIED and hated parking and just didn't like driving at all. I avoided it at all costs and went weeks and weeks without driving at all, unless it was to the local Tesco about half a mile away.

That carried on for two years, until I got a new job right near the Olympic Park in East London. It's only about a 20min drive from our house, but unusually for London the journey via public transport is much worse than by car and involves more than one change and is just shit. I'm a teacher so lugging books and all the teacher kit on the tube did not seem appealing, so I just went for it; got in my car and drove, through Bethnal Green and Stratford. It was nerve-wracking, people drive in those built up areas of London in a very aggressive manner at times, but by the end of that first trip- which I went on alone- I was much less scared and so, so proud of myself. You don't have to do something similar alone of course if you don't like driving on your own, I actually prefer it tbh but it's personal preference, do it however you're most happy.

Literally the next week I drove my DH to Bluewater which involved a motorway and by the end of that summer I helped in taking turns to drive to Manchester with DH and another couple that we were going on a weekend away with. I've never looked back since (other than in the rear view mirror of course!) and am confident that I could drive absolutely anywhere in the UK and often have (the idea of driving abroad on the wrong side of the road is still absolutely terrifying, mind!)

I know lots of people will say to have advanced lessons and stuff and maybe that's right for some people (and maybe it's right for you) but think about how you learn, what your learning style is and take yourself out of your comfort zone.

You can do this, you wouldn't have been passed by the examiner in the first place if you couldn't drive. I've got faith in you and I don't even know you, so have that faith in yourself. Good luck!

I think part of the issue can be due to passing the test but then not driving for a long time afterwards.
It's a new skill learned but, if not used, those basic skills don't get built upon and developed so that you become confident and the skill becomes intuitive.

I was an older learner too, compared to some.
My lovely DH was always very encouraging and the day I came home to say I'd passed my test, he passed me the car keys and said, "take the car up the motorway to the next junction, get off, go round the roundabout, get back on again and come home. " - and I did because I was still "high" from having passed and thought, " well, he's seen me drive (used to sit with me while I practiced) so if he thinks I'm capable of doing this,I must be!"

New routes also give me some anxiety but, that's surely true of all new experiences?

I find sat nav helpful but mine's an old wire to the cigarette lighter job, with a large screen.
Unlike pp though, I find the vocal instructions distracting and confusing sometimes so tend to turn it to mute and just quickly glance at my next manoeuvre.

I can't park to save my life but I don't mind walking so am happy to park in the furthest, quietest spots at the supermarket etc.

I also find Google instant street view really helpful when preparing to go somewhere new.
The sat nav will get me to the location and street view will have already shown me what it looks like before I get there so it isn't as unfamiliar as it could be.

Parkopedia website is also helpful for new places as it gives postcode info for sat nav and also tells you how many spaces are in a particular car park when it's empty.
Knowing this info helps me head for a big car park with hopefully more room rather than a tiny one where allsorts of tight spots may be encountered.

As for the courtesy car OP, I'd have told them to take it away and bring me something smaller.

Does your DH have a smaller car? Can you take that to work instead of the courtesy car?
As well as hypnosis and advanced driving lessons, you just need to practice. I think most people who pass when they are older worry initially. I know I did. But I had a baby and public transport was rubbish so I had to push myself. I made myself drive different roads, go on motorways, etc. One day I realised I wasn't worried about it any more. I just got in my car and drove. I love driving now.
I did notice my spatial awareness changed depending on where I was in my cycle. If you're menopausal or have PMT, address those too.

OP I completely understand. I passed 12 years ago and have still never driven on my own. Trying to conquer it now but it is so tough. I really get it.

Ah thanks everyone.
Knowing there are other idiots who think like me is encouraging!!!! Joke.
DH car is bigger than mine but I wouldn't ask to drive his anyway. Imagine if I scratched or bumped that. My car is my business but I don't want the responsibility of his .

@BinauralBeats
Hi
I'm not massively keen on changing lanes but indo it OK. My journey to work involves several and that's the bit I probably dread the most. As for motorways, i hate being a passenger and I look in wonder how DH merges as if its the most normal thing in the world and I faff about a minor journey locally.

My therapist when I had CBT used this approach. It does help. And I am a million times better than I was back then.
I do drive to shops , school, work, occasional other places. Even the familiar place I get a very slight twang of anxiety, not enough to stop me but it's not as natural as me walking there for example.

I got my learner licence at 15 in a manual and did defensive driving course so as to get my full asap but then due to moving city then country did very little driving until 30.

Similar to you can cope with local/familiar but very anxious about different routes and then had several car issues which freaked me out a bit and an incident in a car park where a skateboarder came out from behind another car in front of me. Then wrote off car while turning on mud (minor damage but fix was $2k compared to car value of $500) and done very little driving since as family car is massive people mover.

However, had to drive work vehicle and was nervous so EA to a senior manager noticed and has now made me take it out a couple of times with her supporting. I'm still avoiding the huge 4×4 ute though!

I feel like I lack spacial awareness/reaction times in a vehicle and don't trust others either. Not sure if it will ever improve - I have an Aunt who drove for 50+ years and still nervous but had never thought of hypnosis... might see if that's an option locally.

I hate that other people are so unsympathetic - I'm not faking that I'm nervous!

Yeah to this!!!! All roads aren't the same and this is another factor wheen going to new places. I'm terrified of doing something wrong. Going when I shouldn't etc etc

I love driving and love the freedom it gives me but there are things I really struggle with that I'm sure you don't! I know at least 4 women between 35-50 who dislike driving but do it because they have to. One of my friends will only drive if it's a short journey she's done before. None of that is weird, we're all different. I would say the more you do it then the easier it gets.

I had my licence for 20 years. Never drove, then realised how much not doing so was holding me back. I needed to for a work trip and i wanted to be able to before I had a child. I had a few refresher lessons with an instructor which helped lots.

Biggest gamechanger was when I was told to dip your mirrors when parking/reversing. Helps you see markings / the kerb. I don't have a fancy car that does that automatically but I am unable to nose into a space unless it's a p&c one , and I hate reversing out of a bay, so I had to learn bay parking, as otherwise I could drive but not leave the car anywhere !

Still can't parallel park reliably though, but that is practice and I'm getting better. I have issue judging angles ans am usually too far from the car beside I give a space 3 goes if the road is quiet , 2 if busy ( not including straighting up) then I chuck it.

Cars behind can wait for a bit,7 and as the frazzled driver I always seems to think I'm being too slow than when I am the driver waiting to pass someone doing the same manoeuvre. Obv let traffic pass when you can pull in enough.

Keep at it, you won't regret it

Wow, I've never heard of them!
Thanks, I've just sent them a message

It was well done that you passed your test first time, but that will have meant you had less supervised practice than if you'd had to go back and redo it. I was 20 when I learnt to drive but was still at home and my parents took me out / made me drive instead of them as much as possible to give me plenty of practice.

Getting advanced lessons sounds a really good idea, do be upfront about what you want to get out of them, and do try another instructor if you don't gel with the first one.

As for motorway driving, I wasn't great at any long distance driving before I moved to the UK - little experience and needed to get rid of my childhood reflex (long car journey = sleep!). What really sorted it for me was a short-term job about 20 miles or so down the motorway. Typically took 30-40 minutes depending on traffic. After 3 months of that I was comfortable with motorway driving. If you have a stretch near you that you could plan to drive one or two junctions down and back on a regular basis for a bit that might work to build your skills and confidence.

Good luck getting to where you want to be!

@EldenRing4 (just noticed your username 👍) I hope you find the advanced driving useful

I think you are being hard on yourself and focused on your so called weaknesses.
I see someone who passed their test first time, probably less than a quarter of people manage this.
I see a careful and responsible driver who has no motoring convictions, a clean driving licence, been involved in no accidents.
You need to give yourself credit of all of this.