To rant and just offload my driving anxiety

[Heyyaheyya]

Long time poster on here-many years- but name change.
So I'm in my late 40s. Leant to drive approximately 5 years ago. Passed first time.
Automatic licence.
Hated learning but means to an end.
I'm very independent, never relied on lifts before learning. Luckily live in a part of the UK with great public transport. Happy to gets buses trains and tube when travelling around other cities. DH drove on UK holidays. Always said was happy to do so. Never pushed me to learn to drive.

Imagined life after passing to be great fun with even more independence. Days out with Dc, visiting friends in other parts of the UK. All the big things I only really did with Dh around.

So I passed and was delighted. Quickly bought a little Toyota Aygo on finance and was ready to go. Except I wasn't.
Car arrived and I was terrified of driving alone. Car practically sat on the drive for 6months without me going nowhere apart from the local shops.
DH offered to come out with me but I suppose I was too proud and embarrassed. If I was 17 yeah, but a middle aged woman and the oldest learner in my family.
DH a very experienced driver of 30 years and didn't and still doesn't get it.

So the moment of him helping passed. I had a couple of lessons with an instructor and I'm not sure it helped. Had CBT and one hypnosis session.

So fast forward to now!! I'm better than I ever was. Drive most days. Usually familiar routes and places and will drive to unfamiliar if I have no choice. Or can't get out of it. But this is all still very limited. I'm.talking a maximum 20 mile journey. No big days out, no trips to the beach. No exciting weekends away.
Never been on the motorway. I live in a busy area so do busy roads and dual carriageways.

None of this comes naturally and I micro plan new journeys. I f ind it all anxiety inducing. I'm OK ish with parking and a million times better than I was at first, but other manoeuvres I'm not.
I think my spatial awareness , even in my teeny car is crap. I find judging room from kerb etc quite hard although I think I've finally got to the stage with my car when I pretty much get it.

(Bear in mind that 5 years since passing and having a car doesn't equal 5 years of experience in my case).

So my car went into the garage yesterday for some work and will be there about 2 weeks.
Today I received a courtesy car and its a huge family car. I could have cried. Its new and its beautiful but I cant drive it. Its too big a nd too unfamiliar.

I've scraped my little car in the past, on the wall and drive(no other cars) and I couldn't even begin to navigate this machine.
I feel so shit today at my hopelessness.
I've had a moment where I realised this is literally the end of the road

I cant pootle along like an old lady forever!!! when my car comes back, I'm forking out on advanced lessons and if it doesn't work I'm giving up.

@MidsummerMimi
Ahh thank you

That's very sweet.
I'm feeling really emotional tonight😢

If it helps I passed my test 18 years ago. Auto only as I failed 7 manual tests! Got slightly better but drove all around the houses to avoid “difficult” routes. Terrified of motorways never went on them. It was a phobia. My DD passed her test this Feb and I decided to bite the bullet and had 4 hours of motorway lessons After that I forced myself to do a couple of junctions on a Sunday morning. Even though I was anxious. Last weekend I drove down the M4 to visit my friend. Something I never thought I would do. There is hope!

I know it's an old thread of mine but I wanted to add a bit more!!
@Whycatspaint that certainly is encouraging. It's kind of answered my question about whether I should have extra, advanced lessons. I've enquired but then someone said to me the other day that they may not be helpful as I'm getting more anxious as I get older, not less.

Also, I know everyone is different ,but I don't know anyone in real life who has needed extra help, just passed and yes ,been nervous initially ,but just got on with it. Through practice I suppose. It makes me feel a bit shit.

Anyhow, got car back from garage but I have been away on holiday and only back on Sunday. Car insurance ran out. SO so it's on the drive . I couldn't face renewing it. Plus, new development,my sister Iaw offered to buy it for my niece. As she knows I hate driving etc.
So huge dilemma. I cant keep driving and feeling miserable. What do I do? Get rid and move forwards and go back to being car less.
I got the bus to school today and although I don't mind, I actually hate myself too.

I’ve been driving for 15 years and am similar to you. I used to be able to parallel park but I can’t do it to save my life now since I got a driveway and a new car.

Last week I drove 40 miles on an unfamiliar dual carriageway with loads of roundabouts. Some of them had three lanes. I got confused and on one particularly awful one I ended up in the wrong bloody lane. I feel like the arrows telling you which lane you’re supposed to be in come too late.

I’m mostly fine on familiar routes but anything else stresses me so much. I hate it. I’ve had advanced lessons but it didn’t really help the anxiety. I don’t know what the answer is really. Some people just find driving fundamentally stressful. Which while inconvenient, is ok.

You are certainly not alone I am the same, passed my test first time in 1999 didn’t drive for about a year then got back in a car and stalled it every 5 mins. I froze, I panicked the anxiety got horrendous. It’s other drivers for me, I’m fine on very quiet roads once the get busy that’s it anxiety. I would love to be a jump in go anywhere type of driver too.

I posted without reading all your updates and just caught up.

I think you should go for the advanced lessons. I didn’t do the full course as the instructor told me I drove fine so I didn’t want to spend any more money. In my case the fear is deep-rooted in that I feel like an inconvenience to everyone (including other road users) and I’m terrified of getting something wrong and upsetting people.

I used to be very frightened of motorways, but now I’d rather be on one than a dual carriageway as you don’t have people joining much and there aren’t all the roundabouts to contend with.

I would’ve been scared to drive a big courtesy car as well. When someone drove into my parked car recently I was offered a courtesy car and I specifically said I did not want a large vehicle.

You mentioned that everyone else gets on with it and doesn’t seem to be afraid. If you knew me in real life you wouldn’t think I was afraid either. I appear to drive confidently but inside, I’m very nervous.

Give the advanced lessons a go before you give up completely. I hate driving and probably always will, but it does make life easier in many ways. It’s nice to have the option.

Yes multilane roundabouts are confusing as are the arrows coming too late !
Everyone seems seens to be driving with a purpose too and I feel like a hindrance
Exits are confusing and complicated junctions.

How do other people know where they are meant to be going? They cant all be familiar with the route.
If the roads were empty I'd be fine, but I always feel slightly flustered inside and like I'm doing something wrong. Or about to.
I feel I need some lessons if only to assess me .
I have never had another adult in my car with me!
I'm terrified in case I make a fool of myself. I need an unbiased opinion.
And I should have specified about the courtesy car as that has been another set back in this whole bloody mess.

My husband is constantly moaning I won't drive anywhere long distance I make him drive because im just not co fident driver I hate having to drive anywhere new as I panic I'm gonna get lost , have an accident, be late for anything I never wanted to drive my husband sort of pushed me to do it been driving over 13 years everytime he asks me to drive he criticises my driving so I refuse to drive he makes me nervous also feel proper down about it sometimes